Can I Get a Witness?

I am so blessed y'all! I spent the night for the first time in my new house last night! Yay for me! My house has an automatic garage door opener, doorbell, built-in microwave, AND is like less than a 10 yards (as in 3 feet each, not like people front yards) away from my work!!!!!! A very wonderful woman named Sue Bell (some of you know her, some of you dont [who "you" are, i have no idea]) let me borrow her truck and very expensive enclosed trailer to move my furniture and belongings yesterday. She is so sweet! One time there was a little festival here in Clyde that my sister and I were going to take the kids to but when we got there, we realized that they charge just to get in and then everything in there cost money. With 2 adults and 4 kids, that really adds up. So Amanda and I were walking away when I saw Sue and she asked why we were leaving and I told her why. She slipped me a $20, gave me a hug, and told me to buy something for the kids. Just thinking about it now, it makes me tear up! She is so wonderful! Well, anyway, Sue let me borrow the truck and trailer yesterday. She trusted me with it to take it home and everything!! Can you believe it?? Obviously she has never witnessed me driving! :) Then my brother acted very out of character for him and came over to help my sister and me move my furniture into the trailer. He even backed it up for me because I had no clue what to do with that thing. So far, we have moved my bed, gigantic-2-ton TV, entertainment center, two couches, and lots of boxes with junk in it. On a side note, we brought all that major stuff right? Well, what we did NOT bring was: toothbrush, toothpaste, toilet paper, soap, makeup, my facial stuff (have to do that every single night), blankets, or towels. So, yeah we made a little quick trip to Allsup's last night for at least some T.P. I guess we just got so excited! Oh, oh! Something else cool about my house is that there is a lamplight in my frontyard. It is beautiful! Also there is a fake well too! How cool is that!!!!!!! I feel so grownup! It's crazy. I feel like I have finally arrived in Adulthood-dom (i know, i know, not a word, but who cares? This is my blog darn it!).

I Forsake You in the Name of Jesus!

Okay, the title might be a little dramatic but I am feeling kind of desperate right now. About two months ago, Kalista came home with lice. Ever since then, I have washed her and Xander with RID four times, NIX two times, sanitized our whole apartment seven times, covered her head in olive oil 3 times, cut my and Kalista's hair, shaved Xander's head, I even stayed at my sister's house for the whole Thanksgiving break after sanitizing my apartment, and still we have lice. I am so at a lost about this. Right now, Kalista's hair is saturated in Olive Oil with a plastic bag over it. Before doing it today, I prayed over it. I don't know if Jesus heals cases of lice, but I am sincerely hoping He does. Does anyone have any "special" tricks to getting rid of lice or can think of anything that I might have not possibly tried? We are fixing to move this week and I do NOT want my children to have lice going to a new school. Even if you don't know of anything to help, please just pray for us. I am tired of stressing about this and crying over it. For some reason, this has just got me feeling really defeated.

Thy Will Be Done. Not Mine, but Yours

I absolutely love my Church's Pastor. Today he gave a really awesome sermon (when doesnt he?) about the hindrances that keep us from worshiping God fully. And on one of my other blogs, a friend of mine had left a comment about me letting God heal my wound. She was 100% correct. She said that sometimes it is really painful for us to let go of the wound so God could clean it out. During today's sermon, I realized that was what I was doing. I was scared to uncover it, to show it all to God, to let Him just dig deep and get all the yucky stuff out. I wanted to keep it covered and try to ignore it while it got infected and festered into a big huge ugly oozing thing of hate, hurt, resentment, and unforgiveness.

This is my declaration RIGHT now: I am giving over this broken heart to You, God. I know this will hurt. I won't get the "justice" I think I am deserving. But I know You will make me whole again. Your love will fill me and give me new life. I give all this up to You Lord. Everytime I have followed You in the past, I grew, was blessed, and filled even more with Your spirit.

Clyde, Here I Come!

I am finally moving to Clyde! Yay! It has been a long battle but then this month, I received a blessing straight from the Lord and he finagled the whole deal and now I am moving to Clyde!! My electricity was turned on Tuesday, the 12th and my water was turned on today! Now, all I have to do is pack all my junk. Yuck! I wish I knew some people who would do it for me...for free! Yeah, I won't be holding my breath for that one. I am so excited. The house (i havent lived in an actual house in almost 4 years) I am moving into is literally feet away from my work. The Church's playground is practically in my backyard. It has a garage AND a garage door opener!!! I feel like such a grownup! And what makes it so much better is that I am doing all this without Marcos. I have always depended on him so much for everything and now I am depending on God, the best husband EVER. God has done so much in my life, I just can't wait for what's next! He has been healing my heart, He has given me this awesome job in a church, He made the way for me to live in Clyde, He has given me an awesome church family, He has given me relationships with great women of faith {or worth:)}. I am blessed, blessed, blessed!

What did you say?

One day when I had picked up the kids from daycare, Anoe was telling me a story about something that happened that day. Well since Anoe tends to have a lot of "talks" I was only half-listening. Then at the end, I heard her say, "Iss me Hoff." I didn't understand her so I said, "What did you say?" She said, " Sissy was being mean at daycare and she piss me off." She just said so matter of factly. I was trying very hard not to laugh so she wouldn't think it was a good thing to say those things. I very calmly tried to explain to her not to say that word but she just kept saying "But, Ninnie (that's what she calls me) she piss me off!" I finally got her to understand that is a bad word and suggested other words she should stay instead. Gotta love her passion.

Yay for Amanda!

My sister finally has a blog! Yay!! I am so happy. You (i have no idea who "you" is because i have no clue if anyone looks at this thing) should really check it out. Just click on the link to the right that says The A Girls. She is supercool and she is The Hulk!

I have a twin: Her name is Erica

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 85% Superman 65% Spider-Man 55% Robin 48% Batman 45% Hulk 45% The Flash 45% Iron Man 45% Wonder Woman 43% Catwoman 40% Supergirl 28%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Fears

Today, our pastor's sermon was really great. He talked about the fears we have in our lives that keep a stronghold over us. He said there are 3 steps to overcoming these fears.

1. Identify the fears
2. Confess the fears
3. Defeat the fears

So that is what I aim to do here. I have been thinking about it a lot since this morning; i thought of a lot of the most obvious stuff at first but then I really feel that God showed me some things that were a little deeper. Anyway, here they are.

• i will always be poor
• i will always be fat
• xander won't be able to fit in
• i wont ever stop hurting over marcos
• i wont be able to control my sexual promiscuity
• i will grow old alone
• the dark
• losing my hair
• my newsletters wont be as good as Erica's
• God isn't as forgiving as we think

cute faces in beautiful places

The best BFW table ever!

Update on the Upperlip Situation

So....

Yeah, come to find out that I was so right and it is NOT cool to have scabs around my mouth. Go figure. Pretty much 80% of my upperlip is still numb and another 25% is scabbed over, only my left side though. Kalista was trying to help me out earlier and was trying to wipe it away. She thought I had ketchup on my face. What a sweet little girl.

Oh, and upon closer investigation (me just staring into my compact mirror for a few hours at my scabby upperlip), I have found three hairs that were not acidized off. Can you believe it! I practically have a cleft lip, but I still have a 3-hair moustache!

Everytime I see someone, I have the almost uncontrollable urge to explain to them that it isn't herpes, that I just spent too much time with Nair on my face, that I am not contagious and would they please stop staring at it! Boy am I glad it's almost the weekend. It'll give me time to recuperate from this Beauty War wound.

Look, Ma! No Hair!

So, lately I have kinda noticed that the hair on my upper lip has been a little too dark and long to ignore anymore. Last night, before going to bed I decided to just Nair it off. Well, I didn't want to just sit there and wait the whole lousy 3 minutes for it to work, so I went to read my kids a book before they went to sleep. They thought it was funny and kept them quiet while I was reading. Xander said he wanted a white moustache too. Maybe later... So, there I am reading to my kids about a mouse who sleeps in a nativity scene house and my upper lip is on fire! But I couldn't stop in the middle of the story so I was trying to read as fast as possible without losing the meaning of the wonderful and heart touching story. As soon as the story ends, I throw the book to Kalista, ask her to put it up and get in bed, then rush to the bathroom to get the acid off my face.

I was able to get it off just fine, along with all the unwanted hair, and a little bit of the wanted skin.

Even as I am typing this right now, my lip is swollen, red, and numb. I am pretty sure I fried some of the nerve endings on there. I am developing a nice little scab on the left side. So, instead of the hair moustache, I have a scab moustache. And I may be wrong, but I don't think the guys think it's real sexy to have scabs near girls lips. I don't know, maybe it's just me or I could be out of touch with the kids these days, but that's just what I think.

Anyway, I thought that people should beware the dangers of Nair and upperlips. Maybe I can get Kathy Hawk to lay hands on my face and declare a healing in the name of Jesus on Sunday. I will keep you updated!

How long does this last?

Has anyone else had a super surreal moment in life? I did today.

Kalista has had a raging bout of lice. Every time I get rid of it, she comes back from school infested all over again. Anyway, that's just the background story to this sordid tale. So, Amanda and I were in the bathtub with Kalista (all of us were dressed! geez, get your hand away from the phone to call CPS people!!). Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted. We were putting olive oil in her hair to suffocate the lice and nits and I was asking Kalista about her school and class and such. I was trying to get her mind off bending uncomfortably over the bathtub while putting this smelly stuff in her hair. So we were conversating nicely about this. And then she says, "Momma! You know daddy's girlfriend? Her daughter's name is Sarah, and she is the new girl in my class at Taylor Elementary (yes, she says Taylor Elementary every time she talks about her school)." She kept talking about it but I zoned out. What is the reasoning behind this? Why of all the freaking schools in Abilene, and kindergarten classes in Taylor Elementary, did she have to be placed in my daughter's? I'm not sure why this hurt me so much. I know that he isn't doing this to me on purpose. It made me feel like he is not only replacing me but replacing our daughter now. I went to another room to be by myself after a few minutes. I started praying immediately to God to help me understand the meaning of this. To help me understand why God is putting these things into play. To help me not be filled with murderous rage. Is it possible to forget someone who you shared a bed with for almost 7 years? who you have two beautiful children with? who knew the way i liked my towels folded? who knew my system to hanging clothes in the closet? i just want to know Lord, when does this end? How long does this last?

Pray for my Son

There has been something strange going on with Xander this week. His teacher sent a note home with him describing some of his behavior. He wouldn't play at the playground, he won't participate in Motor Lab (P.E. for Pre-K), he won't eat his food at lunch, and at naptime, he goes straight to lay down instead of fidgeting and playing around like normal. At home, he is still pretty normal but has been complaining of constant tummy aches, but nothing is really wrong. He doesn't have a fever, his stomach isn't hard or overly firm, he's been using the restroom fine. He hasn't seen his father in about 10 days and he didn't get to go to counseling this week. I think he is depressed. He just isn't acting like my normal Xander. I mean, Xander's normal isn't like other kids' normal but I know my baby's behavior and this is not it. At dinner tonight, he started grabbing his rice off his plate and shoving it into his mouth, fistful after fistful. It was like he got into a frenzy all the sudden. At first I didn't even say anything because I was so shocked, then I finally had to stop him. That kind of thing is so not Xander. Usually, when he eats, he kind of spaces out until he gets full, then he gets up and leaves his food wherever he is. I have no idea if anyone ever reads this, but I just ask for you to pray for comfort for Xander and wisdom for me to know what is bothering my son and what I can do to help him.

Personal Savior

I have heard the phrase, "Accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior" so many times. I never really thought about, just heard and used it as a kind of cliche. Today, I was reading one of my dear dear friend's blogs, and it hit me just how personal God really is. I was thinking about her hardships and difficulties that she has been having with her son. I was also thinking about the difficulties that I have been going through in my life. Our problems are in completely different areas, but we know each other's pain in our hearts. God has put situations in both our lives that are perfectly fitted to our minds, personalities, and our faith. He has brought us through these "deserts" to help us grow in each of these areas. I can't say this for sure for my friend, but the area where I am hurting and going through so much pain and sacrifice is the exact area that has been source of separation from God. God knows me. I mean, He knows me. He knows exactly what it will take to bring me to where I need to be to worship Him fully and selflessly. He knows what hurts me the most. He knows what can bring me to my knees. He knows what brings me complete joy. He knows my thoughts when I first wake, my last thought before I fall to sleep. He hears my prayers. He loves me. That above all else: He LOVES me. I know that He won't go beyond what is absolutely necessary grow my soul. My Father. How wonderful is that? My Father!
Psalms 139

Breaking News: This Just In.........

There has been some things going on in my life in the past week. This post might be jumbled up so please forgive me, my non-readers.

First, about Marcos. His behavior has been very erratic and inconsistent lately. On a Thursday last week, I was over at his apartment with the kids when his girlfriend called. It hurt me but I didn't want him to see just how much it hurt me so I went to his bathroom to cry by myself. I was sitting there on the toilet praying to God about my situation. I was begging Him to take my pain, to just take all my attachment to Marcos away. I wanted to be free of any of those feelings of longing or love for him. I prayed that I would take being alone for the rest of my life if God would just stop my heart from aching. After a while Marcos came in and we were talking. I was open with him. I poured out my heart to him. He said that he did miss me and being at home with me and the kids. He even started crying with me. I didn't think that things were going to be great or anything, but I felt like we had an understanding. When I left, Marcos asked if he I could bring the kids back over the next day when he gets off of work. That was cool with me.
Next day, he didn't call to say he was home from work (he gets off at 3:30). I finally called him at 6:30 and asked him if he still wanted the kids. He gave me a lame excuse about why he didn't call (i'm pretty sure the truth had to do something with his girlfriend's vagina). We ended up getting in an argument about him not being consistent with our kids and putting them in front of his g/f. I didn't think I would hear from him for at least a few days. But no. The next day he showed up at my house and spent some time with the kids. I am all for that, but he ended up staying for almost 4 hours. He even fell asleep on my couch. The whole time I was like, "What the heck?!" I have no idea what to do with that whole situation.

I took my son Xander to a counselor. That was both good and bad. Good because I finally got to know exactly what is going on with him and learning how to handle him a little better. But bad because the things I was afraid of were confirmed. He has childhood depression. That is actually kinda good because that means it will go away. But he also has a very mild case of Autism. That explains a lot of behavior that he has had since he was a baby. It makes things with his father a little harder, I mean him dealing with it and all. The counselor suggested that I develop a strict routine for him, which I started that day when I got home. A routine helps him feel more secure and it is something he needs because of his disorder. Too many things were changing for him to handle. I have to say that I have already seen some improvement. He has been a lot nicer to the other girls and, strangely, his speech has improved also. He is speaking more clearly. He is going to be going to the counselor weekly now until he is fully adjusted to all the changes in his life that are going on right now (starting pre-k, his dad gone, me working so much, us moving into a new house).

Yesterday I went to get my hair done. I have been feeling really down and unattractive lately. Usually when I go get my hair done, I feel better about myself. I feel more attractive and just better in spirits. I was going to go get some new clothes also. I just wanted to feel anew in some area of my life. Well, I was thinking that I would lighten my hair towards a blonde color. Evidently the hair dresser doesn't know how to use bleach properly because she burnt my hair and my scalp. She left it in my hair waaaaaaayyyyy too long. My hair literally melted. I would put my hand to my head and hair would fall away in my hand. Have you ever used Nair? You know how the hair looks like then? That's what my hair looks like on my head. It is absolutely horrible!!!!! She put in some dark color after she saw that it was too damaged to put the toner in and now my hair looks like I had a really bad perm and only dyed my hair in spots. So, needless to say, I don't feel attractive at all like I wanted to. I have to wait until Tuesday since tomorrow is Labor Day to go get my hair cut to an even length instead of looking like I used one of those Flo-Bee vaccuum hair cut things. So, now I am overweight, really pale, short, and have horrendous hair! How in the world am I supposed to get a husband now??? Maybe someone who likes women that can work in the circus. I prayed for healing over my hair. It seriously needs it.

On the upside,..............................................................wait, there is no upside. i would be pulling out my hair in frustration, but there is too precious little left to do that right now.

holla

How Great is Our God

Today after church my car broke down (amazingly i knew just what happened: something under the hood wasn't working like it's supposed to. i know, i know...it is amazing how i know these things) and not even 3 minutes and 45 seconds later, a man pulled into the parking lot with a huge sign on his car that said "Mechanic for Christ" He fixed my car right there in the Allsup's parking lot for F R E E!!!!!!! God is good, people!

Update on an answered prayer: Xander did end up getting Mrs. Turner (Kalista's Pre-K teacher)

I posted a comment on another person's blog (i have no idea who this person is except i think it is a male and lives in abilene, and apparently is as poor as i am) concerning the "deserts" people were going through. Usually I don't really respond to other people's blogs, but this one just called out to me. I left a huge comment about my desert and I didn't really think anyone would actually read it. But people did. They also commented on it. They gave me such encouragement. It was something that God sent to me.

If you ever get a chance to download or listen to The Way by Telecast, I highly recommend it. It makes me want to just serve Him. I love you Lord.

First Day of School

Tomorrow is the first day of school for Kalista and Xander. Kalista is NOT excited about this. For some reason, she got it in her head that she could only go to school if she was 6. I don't know where that came from...seriously. Well, she turns 6 on Sept. 12, which about a month away and she is not feeling the whole starting-school-before-her-birthday thing. To tell the truth, I am not that excited either. This means that I am going to have to get up even earlier and try to fight the crazy morning school rush traffic and then speed off to get on the highway to try to get to work on time in Clyde. Plus, I haven't been able to afford to buy her or Xander any school supplies or school clothes. Yuck...I absolutely hate that. I feel like I am living my stupid childhood all over again through my children. I love having a job, but I don't get to spend harly any time with my babies. Because I got so behind on some of my bills, all my paycheck is going to pay for those instead of school things. Although, on a good note, we got to meet Kalista's teacher today. She is so tiny! When I walked in, I thought she was one of the kids from another grade. If you can actually believe this, but I am taller than her! Whoa! I guess that is reason enough to love her! Tomorrow will be when I get to meet Xander's new teacher. I am praying that he gets Mrs. Turner (Kalista's Pre-K teacher). She already knows Xander and his "problems." I will enjoy Cinnamon Roll Fridays again though. Although, I probably wont be able to eat with them like I used to...(enter look of utter sadness here)

Broken Hearts Suck!

Today my daughter broke my heart for the first time, and probably not the last. I thought that she wouldn't hurt me like this until she was at least in her teens, but oh no, not my baby. She is evidently an overachiever. Today we went to Golden Corral (love that place) after Church. Everything was going just fine, nothing to forewarn me of the hurtfulness that Kalista was about to spill forth. So she says, "Momma, I wish you were skinny like everybody else so you could be normal." I asked her to say it again because I thought for sure my first born would never say anything like that to me. But she did. I could physically feel myself breaking inside. Look, I am not in denial about my size or my appearance. Believe me, I know what I look like. Every single day I have to look at myself in the mirror. Every single day I have to see the looks from other people, and the non-looks from other guys. I know that I'm a "large" woman. I know this. But to hear my daughter say something like that...it's heart breaking. I was hoping that she would see me through some sort of unconditional-love-goggles or something. I really wanted to be beautiful for her; an example of what beauty is, inside and out. What can I tell her?

I have been talking occasionally to this guy for the past year or so, just as friends. A few weeks ago we started talking more and more and then he invited me over to his house and I went, and it was kinda awkward but it was okay. We didn't do anything, not even hold hands. After that we still kept talking just as much, and I was dropping "subtle" hints that I liked him as more than a friend. I thought he felt the same way. But then he said that he didnt want to date anyone, he went through a divorce about 2 years ago and he is still hurt. I am pretty sure that this is a "It's not you, it's me" sort of thing. I'm cool with that, you know? I'm not necessarily hurt by him specifically not wanting to date me. I kinda knew he wouldn't date somebody like me anyway. He's white, and not whitetrash. The thing that just sucks about it is that he's like the 3rd guy to reject me in the last 2 months. Kinda says something about me doesn't it?
A guy I used to date once told me that I would sleep with anyone that showed me any kind of attention. I think he was wrong. I have to be rejected first.

I just want to see if I can do this right.