Sunday, August 06, 2006

Broken Hearts Suck!

Today my daughter broke my heart for the first time, and probably not the last. I thought that she wouldn't hurt me like this until she was at least in her teens, but oh no, not my baby. She is evidently an overachiever. Today we went to Golden Corral (love that place) after Church. Everything was going just fine, nothing to forewarn me of the hurtfulness that Kalista was about to spill forth. So she says, "Momma, I wish you were skinny like everybody else so you could be normal." I asked her to say it again because I thought for sure my first born would never say anything like that to me. But she did. I could physically feel myself breaking inside. Look, I am not in denial about my size or my appearance. Believe me, I know what I look like. Every single day I have to look at myself in the mirror. Every single day I have to see the looks from other people, and the non-looks from other guys. I know that I'm a "large" woman. I know this. But to hear my daughter say something like's heart breaking. I was hoping that she would see me through some sort of unconditional-love-goggles or something. I really wanted to be beautiful for her; an example of what beauty is, inside and out. What can I tell her?

I have been talking occasionally to this guy for the past year or so, just as friends. A few weeks ago we started talking more and more and then he invited me over to his house and I went, and it was kinda awkward but it was okay. We didn't do anything, not even hold hands. After that we still kept talking just as much, and I was dropping "subtle" hints that I liked him as more than a friend. I thought he felt the same way. But then he said that he didnt want to date anyone, he went through a divorce about 2 years ago and he is still hurt. I am pretty sure that this is a "It's not you, it's me" sort of thing. I'm cool with that, you know? I'm not necessarily hurt by him specifically not wanting to date me. I kinda knew he wouldn't date somebody like me anyway. He's white, and not whitetrash. The thing that just sucks about it is that he's like the 3rd guy to reject me in the last 2 months. Kinda says something about me doesn't it?
A guy I used to date once told me that I would sleep with anyone that showed me any kind of attention. I think he was wrong. I have to be rejected first.

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