Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
- the Holy Spirit
- Amanda, my soul mate
- Rev. Fun.com
- Wrigley Spearmint gum
- reading my friends' blogs
- seeing my name listed on my friends' blogs links
- dinner at erica's
- my new refridgerator (pictures coming soon)
- my garage door opener
- my spongebob mouse
- spongebob mousepad
- spongebob keyboard stickers
- the really cool lipgloss from bed, bath, and beyond Brandi told me about
- Cherry Mikeska's daily dose of telling me I'm beautiful
- hearing the bells chime every day every hour from 9 am to 9 pm
- my pink hawaiian watch that glows
- Tide with downy
- kissing the skin on my children's necks
- apple butter
- balsamic vinegaraitte
- the good memories with marcos
- my mom's laugh
- when my sister braids my hair
- online billpay
- macaroni and cheese
- hydrogen peroxide in my ear
- curves workout
- friends who don't judge
- being lice-free
- fire extinguishers
- old navy online
- looooooooong, hot showers
- not having to buy diapers
- God is remolding me
- the smell of wood burning
- cell phones
- favorite pens
- coffee cups with cute sayings
- nike pumps
- the water fountain in my refrigerator
- the ice maker in my refrigerator
- the memory of my father
- who I am today and delivered from who I was yesterday
- independent films
- my womb
- Kingdom Life Fellowship
- random ice storms that bring Texas to a screeching halt
- doorknobs (think about how hard it would be without them)
- hearing my children breathe while sleeping
- becky's beautiful photographs
- rachel's open heart
- erica's awesome hair
- brenda's unmistakable laugh
- cherith's bouncy hair and personality
- my future husband God has waiting for me
- pam's understanding ways
- unsweet peach tea from sonic
- Mexican Fridays at Little Pit
- lime green
- the way erica never gets frustrated or irritated with me and AALLLL my cooking questions
- favorites (as in the list you keep on the internet of your favorite sites)
- long hair
- the last day of my period
- my revlon flat iron (although, a chi would be better)
- BFW women's retreat
- gospel gangsta rap
- in-door plumbing
- five lines on my clearwire modem
- children's motrin
- oh, i was kidding about #87
- freshly cut grass
- kalista's mole on her back that I have in the same exact place
- a fresh, new package of computer paper
- being the first one to drink out of the milk jug
- waking up by myself with no alarm clock
- my brother's salvation that is going to come soon
- the awesome, wonderful, magnificent, trustworthy, beautiful husband God is preparing for my sister
- organized milk (read pam's blog to understand)
- (good) hygiene
I was living in an apartment with my kids, sister, and her kids. Marcos lived there also, but his room was sort of separate from our space. We were all sleeping when I heard a cell phone ringing. I got up to find the cell phone and then I realized it was Marcos'. For some reason he wasn't answering it, maybe it didn't wake him up. I picked it up and when I looked at the caller id it said "Juxtaposition" but I knew that it was his girlfriend. I answered the phone and said, "Hello" She said, "Hey! I was thinking that we could go Christmas shopping together later." She didn't realize that it was me and not Marcos. I told her, "I don't want to go Christmas shopping with you." Then she said, "Oh...I think I have to go." I was so angry! That she called him, that I talked to her, and that they were doing intimate things. I threw the phone at Marcos where he was sleeping (which was on the floor instead of his bed).
I yelled at him "Your stupid slut just called!"
He said, "You don't have any right calling her that. You don't know her."
"But I do know that we were together when you met her, I know that she knew you had a family, I know she knew about me!"
He got up and started getting dressed to leave. I saw that he had picked out a shirt to wear that I had bought him. I was so furious that he was going to wear something I bought to be around her. I took his shirt and dumped it in the toilet then brought it back to him and said, "There, you can have it now." He got really mad about this. He grabbed me by my wrists and bit my arm. When he let go, I yelled, "You want to bite me? I'll do it for you!!" Then I bit myself hard enough to make myself bleed. He let me go and sat down on the couch. He was looking at the negatives to film. Somehow, I knew that they were pictures of him and her. I grabbed them out of his hands and ripped them apart. He tried to hit me with a telephone cord. I took the cord from him and hit myself repeatedly, just staring at him while I was doing it. I dropped the cord, pushed him to the couch, and sat on top of him. Our noses were almost touching we were so close and I told him, "Nothing hurts as much as what you have done. It pierces my heart. It stabs me in my chest. I could show you."
I got up to walk out and I looked at the torn film and I thought that there were pictures of me and him on there. I told him, "Even if there were pictures of us, they don't matter any more. That is nothing now."
I have been having dreams kind of like this a lot lately. I have prayed that God would take them away. I hate having to wake up those mornings. I just think about Marcos and how much I am hurt by him. About how much I still love him and miss him. It's been 6 months now, I shouldn't still be crying over him, should I? I just want relief from these kinds of dreams. It hurts too much.
Monday, January 22, 2007
I just had the biggest smile ever because it is so true! No matter what, God understands Xander and knows what he's saying. God knows Xander's heart and his thoughts. To God, Xander speaks with perfect articulation!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Anyway, I'm getting way off point here. He was telling me about how he would get tired after he finished playing and said that it would probably be a good way to exercise to lose weight. I didn't really think much about it at the time. I was like, "No way am I going to be a gaming dork just to lose weight."
Well, when I was looking at stuff on the internet, I came upon this website about a guy who decided to see if he could lose weight by using the Wii. He didn't change anything else in his daily regimen. He ate the same things, exercised (or didnt) the same, and only added 30 minutes of playing the Wii. He did lose weight, inches, gained muscle tone in 6 weeks.
So, I'm thinking I should get one of these things and become a gaming dork too! If it means I can have fun and lose weight I'm gonna do it!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
- Made to Love - Toby Mac
- The Way - Telecast
- Love Song - Third Day
- Better is One Day - Kutless
- Shine - Salvador
- Never Let Go - Matt Redman
- Sanctuary - Jaci Velasquez
- Right Here - KJ-52
- Amazing Grace - Tori Amos
- Heavenly Hills - Apologetix
- My King - Nobody Famous
- Enough - Barlow Girl
- Cannot Hide My Love - Hillsong
- Lay It Down - Jaci Velasquez
- When the Rain Comes - Third Day
Those aren't all of them but those are the top ones I feel move my spirit. Right now, superfavorite is Made to Love by Toby Mac. His new CD isn't out yet I just heard it for the first time the other day and it rang so true to my heart.
The Chorus goes, "I was made to love You, I was made to find You, I was made just for You, made to adore You. I was made to love and be loved by You.
You were here before me, you were waiting on me. And you said you'd keep me, never would you leave me!"
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Have I ever told you how much I love our Lord Almighty! He is an AWESOME GOD!! Well, I found out today that I am getting a raise. yay for me! And not only that, I am getting a monthly allowance for Health Insurance Now!! I can finally go to the doctor for that pesky AIDS.
Totally just kidding! But I can for real go to the doctor for all my "womanly" stuff. Another thing is that I feel totally convicted about all those things I said about my boss. I am really trying to keep in my mind that he is just human, like me. I know I mess up A LOT (if you don't know this, have you even been paying attention to my blogs??) and I know that Jesus wants me to be more forgiving and waaaaay less judgemental. I was telling Boss about my refrigerator and it's latest talent of turning off for no reason and how my freezer stuff melted and all that. Well, right then he gets on the phone and asks a friend to start looking for a new fridge for me. His friend (who is also my friend-mad props to J.D.) found several that day. We went to go look at them, and to be honest, I thought they would be crap. But they weren't! They were marvelous. The whole time I was thinking of a way I could come up with the money to buy this awesome refrigerator when J.D. tells me that Boss is buying it for me!!!!! I picked out a Side-by-Side with a water & ice cube thing on it. I am so blessed y'all!! For real yo!
Oh another thing that I am very grateful for is that my child support is being raised too! Marcos was only paying $150 a month for BOTH of our kids. Now he has to pay $402 a month. I felt bad at first about it, but then I didn't because he chose not to show up to our hearing and plus it takes a lot more than that to raise our children.
So, anyway, I wish everyone could see the bear-hug I am giving God!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I hate who I was then. I hurt ? just as much as I hurt my family. He was always there whenever I decided I wanted to "play". To him though, it wasn't just play. He had his heart in the relationship. The truth is, I was being a selfish brat. It cost me dearly. I lost respect for myself, from my daughter, and Marcos. I didn't trust Marcos anymore because of my actions. Yeah, I know...totally backwards.
When I finally started moving forward in my faith, I realized what kind of sin I was committing. I changed everything a few weeks leading up to the BFW. I really felt that God was speaking to me about the relationships in my life. I felt Him so close to my heart. I saw how much I was hurting both ? and Marcos, even though by this time I wasn't doing anything but talking to ?. But I was still having those thoughts and feelings. I was still keeping an avenue open just in case I needed to get "even" with Marcos. After the BFW, I became dedicated like never before to Marcos. I was totally convicted about my actions. I knew that God didn't want me to ration out my body like it was governemnt commodities. He wanted me to see myself as He sees me. As something that should be cherished, adored, and most of all waited for. I do have to say that the whole thing with Marcos did not work out how I imagined. But this isn't my plan afterall, it's God's. He has a proven track record of knowing what is better for me.
Well, anyway. About a month after Marcos moving on without us, I began talking to ? once again. I had no intentions whatsoever of making a serious relationship with him. I just wanted companionship and fill that void I was constantly feeling. He would listen to me while I was crying over Marcos and just hold me. He has always been so constant, NO MATTER WHAT I have done. Believe me, I have done some really cruel things to ? and still he doesn't waiver. So here we are 4 months down the road. I am still trying to work on my sex issues and my spiritual growth. ? knows how much I wanted to be married. He tells me he would marry me if I would let him. I do want to be married but I don't want to be married to the wrong man. My feelings aren't as strong or constant as his. I still love Marcos. I hate it, but it's true. I have prayed over my relationship w/ ? so many times, and I think I have received the answer before but just have ignored it because of my selfishness. I feel it in my heart that ? just isn't the one I am supposed to be married to. The only reason he goes to church right now is because I go and he wants to spend more time with me. I don't want that. In all my prayers about my future husband, I always ask for a man who worships the Lord whole-heartedly and without any reserve. I can't exactly force ? to love God the way I do either.
It's just so confusing. On paper, he looks like the perfect guy for me; but in my heart, it feels wrong. But I don't know if I feel that way because he doesn't treat me like crap or if I am still not over Marcos or if I am still thinking that I want to "play" instead of being committed. I am so sorry this entry is really jumbled up. I am just putting things down as they come to my mind. I am also sorry that this entry isn't as uplifting and funny as my others. There's a lot more to this story (aka drama) but my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts and they way they are twisting around right now. I guess I need CLEAR guidance and peace.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Much love! And peace out!
Monday, January 01, 2007
Another thing that is kind of on my mind is (yes, you guessed it) Marcos. Yes, yes I know. He is a total loser. Why it took 7 years for me to figure this out, I have no clue. I am more angry now that I didn't see it earlier than I am about anything else now. Well, that and the way he acts like being a father is a thing that can be turned off or whatever. GGGRRRRRR! (that was me growling, not choking or getting my 'g' and 'r' keys stuck with caps lock on) Yesterday when I woke up I was thinking about how the kids are starting school this week and so they will be seeing even less of their father because his two days off are on Monday and Tuesday every week. So I called him to see if he would like them to stay the night with him since it will be their last chance for a while. Marcos' response: "Well, I plan on getting really f***ed up and I don't want kids there with me getting drunk." What freaking planet is this guy from? What in his little brain makes him think I WANT to know that? I just said, "Yeah, okay, that's too much information and I gotta go." I know the way I was feeling right then wasn't real christian and I am working on that. I just felt like punching him. Anywho, me and the kids had fun anyway. Amanda rented like 9 movies and we watched them all. We had cheese sticks and chicken nuggets to eat. Although, sadly, I have to admit that the kids stayed up later than I did. I am such a wuss now! I was actually glad that they stayed home because whenever they leave, I just feel so empty.
Yet another topic. I do NOT like animals; especially cats or dogs. Their hair ends up on everything, makes my allergies act all crazy, and they're always wanting something like to eat, or go outside or something! Anyway, yesterday there was a cat oustide my house harrassing (i call it harrassing but the kids call it playing or whatever) the kids when they were riding their bikes. The cat seriously would not leave. I finally let it inside (i'm a sucker for the kids) and gave it some balogna and water. Then Amanda and I took the kids on a walk/bike ride (it's walk/bike ride because amanda and i both do not own bikes so we had to walk while the kids sorta rode their bikes while they weren't running into each other, curbs, plants, etc etc) to the Dollar Store. Amanda bought cat food and a water/food dish and I got it a collar with a bell. It totally hates the collar but at least I know where it is at now. So now we have a cat that drives my allergies crazy. Yeah..... Oh!!!!!! I bet you can't guess what the kids named it!! I will give you a hint: It's a woman's name from a VERY famous modern sci-fi movie that loosely represents Jesus' life. Whoever can guess right get's a $5 bill!!!!! Yay! I love excitement!