Thursday, January 31, 2008

My Busy LIfe

Oh my goodness! I have been so ridiculously busy lately! For a while, I felt like I was lacking in all the areas of my life. But now they are all overflowing.

I started college earlier this month. It has been so much harder than I expected. I have still been putting in 40 hours every week at work and taking 7 hours at school. I have class on Mondays & Wednesdays 9a-12p and Tuesdays 6:30p -9:30p. Those Tuesday nights and Wednesday morning are getting rough. I have another biology class online which is totally kicking my butt. I'm not really good at understanding things that I can't get my hands on. It all seems so conceptual and not concrete.

God has been working on my heart lately in a few different areas. I feel like dough that is being kneaded right now, being prepared to become what I was meant to do. I find myself just staring off and being in awe of what God is putting in works.

I went to the doctor last week. He gave me the results of my last pap smear. They weren't good. I guess I might have cervical cancer. I haven't really told anyone about what's been going on. I am still contemplating what this means and what it means for my future. Because of the cost of the procedures I need done (culposcopy and biopsy), I am waiting on one of the agencies in Abilene to see if they can help with that. Then I'll see what the next thing after that is. When I found out about all this, it really broke my spirit/heart/faith. God has healed me of this very thing before. I felt betrayed for some reason. I remember hearing Bryan talk about people who were healed but then get the same illness 6 months later because they had not changed their hearts or life or whatever. I began to doubt myself and to doubt God. I began to doubt anything I thought I had received before or had thought I heard from God. I doubted my being healed of depression. I started having panic attacks and having feelings of despair like I used to. I doubted my dream of becoming a pharmacist. I thought that maybe I had just made everything up. I was just disheartened. Hearing the doctor tell me about my report, I didn't get scared or upset about the cancer itself. I was more upset about what me having cancer meant. What it meant for me, for my faith, for my kids, for my hopes. I felt very chaotic and unstable.

I feel better about things now though. I talked to Trish (shout out to my homie) about everything and she really gave me some good insight (as usual). She really helped me realize that this doesn't have to be my truth, these are just circumstances I am in right now. God healed me before and He can do it again. That's what I am praying for.

The other night when I was feeling really unsure about everything, I looked in the Bible for comfort. I wanted to look up "renew" but I didn't think that would be in there so I looked up "beginning" instead. I found a couple of scriptures but they didn't really ease the hurt I was feeling. I was sitting there having an inner monologue and staring blankly at the pages of my open Bible. Then the word "renew" came into focus. This is what it said (y'all probably already know it):

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits-

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--Psalm 103:1-5

I haven't felt desperate or had any panic attacks since I read that. I've been reading it and claiming it everyday. It's coming.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

i let go

A Little Note: I actually posted this a couple of weeks ago. I took it off because sometimes I feel like people only want to see the funny, quirky side of me. But I don't always have a funny story to tell. So, if you don't really want to read a serious post from me, just skip this over. Thanks.

My happiness is causing someone else pain. I try not to think about it. I was in a relationship for 3 years (off & on) that ended in the beginning of November. I loved him. He loved me. It didn't work though. It never worked. I wanted so damn much that he couldn't give me & I had nothing to give him. Our relationship had this thing weighing on it from the beginning. It started out in sin. But even when I was out of that, things didn't get better. It was so hard to be together. We screamed, yelled, called bad names, threw things, cried out, begged. Even now, in this new beginning, I can feel an aching in my heart for something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself thinking of him, wanting to call & saying the one thing to hear him laugh, stopping my mouth from forming the word of his name, struggling with the thoughts in my mind. I feel certain I had to end it. He was part of who I used to be and didn't want to be anymore. He knew everything about me. He knew my past. He was there when I was dirty. He held me while I cried for another. He waited for me.

I let go. I hurt him. I'm sorry.

Friday, January 18, 2008

My So-Called Life

So, hey, everybody. What's up!

Sorry about taking another leave of absence but this life of mine has been keeping me busy. The holidays were great. I spent most of them with my boyfriend (insert girly giggle here). New Year's Day, the kids & I went to San Angelo. We spent the day playing in the park and making good memories. I was so flippin tired by the time I had to drive the 95 miles home. Thank goodness God loves me and made sure I stayed awake.

So, anyway, let's talk about what is on my heart. I mean, hey, you came to my blog for a reason right? I am in a full-blown relationship. It's really weird to me. Well, first let me tell you how it all began.

I first met Tony (that's his name, not just some random person) when we were in High School in Sweetwater. He was in a grade below me and I didn't pay much attention to him. We talked once. I didn't know it at the time, but we graduated together because Tony is super smart and graduated early. I didn't know all this until he told me, so it could all be a lie for all I know. Just kidding. He doesn't lie. I like that. Anyway! I digress... I tend to do that when I am talking about Tony. Don’t tell him I said that!

A year or so after graduation (1999) we worked at the same Texaco in Sweetwater. I was a little bit engaged at the time; but then got un-engaged after a few things came to light. Unfortunately, I was in total Rebound mode and picked Tony as the first guy to date. We dated for a couple of months but I seemed unable to stop sleeping around. After one particularly messy & law breaking incident, we finally decided to call it quits.

I met Marcos a few weeks later and promptly got myself knocked up with Kalista. When Kalista was about 6 months old, I left Marcos and moved to Abilene. Somehow, (I don’t remember) Tony & I started dating again. But, once again, I was in Rebound mode and couldn’t stop dating other people (at least I had stopped sleeping with them). About 6 weeks later, Marcos & I got back together and promptly got myself knocked up with Xander (noticing a pattern here?). Tony was always so sweet to me and I really just treated him like crap. I was so totally different back then. There were things I did that I have prayed for God to erase from my memory.

We kind of talked a little bit a few years later but never really started dating again. The last time I talked to him was four years ago in 2004.

So in November Tony sent me a message on myspace. I had forgotten all about having a page on there. He just asked me how I was doing and what kinds of things were going on in my life. We talked a little online for the next couple of weeks, but I didn’t really think anything about it. I was still trying to distance myself from another relationship that no one really knows about. Sorry, I haven’t been totally honest with y’all. Anyway, let’s move on and never keep any secrets again. Whoo! I feel so much better now that I got that out in the open.

Because we are both from Sweetwater and both our parents still live there, we were both in Sweetwater for Thanksgiving. I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. So we did at my mom’s house. Then we went driving around looking at Christmas lights for about an hour and I dropped him off at his friend’s house. We talked on the phone for that week and then we both “happened” to be in S’water again that weekend. We cruised around town and then I dropped him off at his friend’s house again. We continued talking on the phone. We stayed up talking on the phone until 1 or 2 in the morning. It was like I was in high school again. Our conversations usually ended by one of our cell phone batteries dying. I found out a lot of stuff I didn’t know and stuff I had forgotten about. Evidently, Tony remembered every single conversation we ever had. He remembered my favorite flower, my favorite color, my middle name, Kalista’s birthday & middle name, foods I didn’t like, my bad driving skills….

He just makes me feel so… so… I don’t know so something. He makes me feel unashamed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! The best part of this whole thing! We have NOT had sex!!! Most people would not understand how big of a thing this is for me. Sex to me has been like a weird addiction in the past. I hated it but couldn’t stop. This is literally the longest I have ever waited, even since my first time. I know that’s crazy to some people, but it’s this sick cycle I have. But this is how I know this is real with Tony.

My kids are totally in love with him too. Kalista loves to sit next to him and hold on to him. Xander loves to climb all over him and fights with Kalista to sit next to him. He doesn’t act weird with them or make me feel like it’s anything but natural to have them around. He comes up with stuff for us all to do together (he doesn’t have any kids and lives with two other guys with no kids).

I went back over my prayer list for what I wanted in a husband. All those things are there. Every single one. Even the color of his eyes. God is SO good.
This is my kids & Tony chillin at Little Pit. Hopefully, I can get a picture of us together one day.