Sunday, September 03, 2006
There has been some things going on in my life in the past week. This post might be jumbled up so please forgive me, my non-readers.
First, about Marcos. His behavior has been very erratic and inconsistent lately. On a Thursday last week, I was over at his apartment with the kids when his girlfriend called. It hurt me but I didn't want him to see just how much it hurt me so I went to his bathroom to cry by myself. I was sitting there on the toilet praying to God about my situation. I was begging Him to take my pain, to just take all my attachment to Marcos away. I wanted to be free of any of those feelings of longing or love for him. I prayed that I would take being alone for the rest of my life if God would just stop my heart from aching. After a while Marcos came in and we were talking. I was open with him. I poured out my heart to him. He said that he did miss me and being at home with me and the kids. He even started crying with me. I didn't think that things were going to be great or anything, but I felt like we had an understanding. When I left, Marcos asked if he I could bring the kids back over the next day when he gets off of work. That was cool with me.
Next day, he didn't call to say he was home from work (he gets off at 3:30). I finally called him at 6:30 and asked him if he still wanted the kids. He gave me a lame excuse about why he didn't call (i'm pretty sure the truth had to do something with his girlfriend's vagina). We ended up getting in an argument about him not being consistent with our kids and putting them in front of his g/f. I didn't think I would hear from him for at least a few days. But no. The next day he showed up at my house and spent some time with the kids. I am all for that, but he ended up staying for almost 4 hours. He even fell asleep on my couch. The whole time I was like, "What the heck?!" I have no idea what to do with that whole situation.
I took my son Xander to a counselor. That was both good and bad. Good because I finally got to know exactly what is going on with him and learning how to handle him a little better. But bad because the things I was afraid of were confirmed. He has childhood depression. That is actually kinda good because that means it will go away. But he also has a very mild case of Autism. That explains a lot of behavior that he has had since he was a baby. It makes things with his father a little harder, I mean him dealing with it and all. The counselor suggested that I develop a strict routine for him, which I started that day when I got home. A routine helps him feel more secure and it is something he needs because of his disorder. Too many things were changing for him to handle. I have to say that I have already seen some improvement. He has been a lot nicer to the other girls and, strangely, his speech has improved also. He is speaking more clearly. He is going to be going to the counselor weekly now until he is fully adjusted to all the changes in his life that are going on right now (starting pre-k, his dad gone, me working so much, us moving into a new house).
Yesterday I went to get my hair done. I have been feeling really down and unattractive lately. Usually when I go get my hair done, I feel better about myself. I feel more attractive and just better in spirits. I was going to go get some new clothes also. I just wanted to feel anew in some area of my life. Well, I was thinking that I would lighten my hair towards a blonde color. Evidently the hair dresser doesn't know how to use bleach properly because she burnt my hair and my scalp. She left it in my hair waaaaaaayyyyy too long. My hair literally melted. I would put my hand to my head and hair would fall away in my hand. Have you ever used Nair? You know how the hair looks like then? That's what my hair looks like on my head. It is absolutely horrible!!!!! She put in some dark color after she saw that it was too damaged to put the toner in and now my hair looks like I had a really bad perm and only dyed my hair in spots. So, needless to say, I don't feel attractive at all like I wanted to. I have to wait until Tuesday since tomorrow is Labor Day to go get my hair cut to an even length instead of looking like I used one of those Flo-Bee vaccuum hair cut things. So, now I am overweight, really pale, short, and have horrendous hair! How in the world am I supposed to get a husband now??? Maybe someone who likes women that can work in the circus. I prayed for healing over my hair. It seriously needs it.
On the upside,..............................................................wait, there is no upside. i would be pulling out my hair in frustration, but there is too precious little left to do that right now.
Posted by Jennifer at 9/03/2006 04:49:00 PM