Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Here it is in all it's glory.
The sad one is the anniversary of my father's death. He died eight years ago about 5 weeks before I was supposed to be married to a huge jerk. (obviously that whole thing didn't happen). I am still unclear of the exact causes of death. I found out he was sick at the same I found out he was dying. My father and I were never particularly close; he was more close with my brother and my sister. I think I scared him a little being so rebellious and wild. He didn't know how to talk to me. I remember he tried to talk to me one time about my boyfriend. He said, "You don't want to end up in the same situation as your sister." At the time, I was thinking "What? End up with a beautiful daughter and my own apartment?" (that was pretty much the extent of my goals back then) His death affected more than his life did. Weird how that works.
The weird one is the anniversary for my mom's latest marriage. Which, I have to say, is her longest one yet. The weird part is that my mom has a wife. Yes, that's right my Mother is an official lesbian. No, it's not sexy like the movies portray. She came out in '99, shortly after my father's death in fact. Although, I kinda had feeling about her "orientation" for a while. I would say I started suspecting when I accidentally played a certain videotape.... At first, I thought it was a phase or something. But 8 years and one Commitment Ceremony later, I am starting to think this is going to stick. My mom's wife is the best 'partner' so far. The men my mom dated then married were jerks. They were unemployed jerks. They were unhygenic unemployed jerks. But my step-mom (sm) now takes care of my mother. Not only does she take care of her, she spoils my mother. SM owns her own business, has her own vehicle, and seriously loves my mom. My mom can be very difficult at times and, when upset, can say or do hurtful things. So the number one question is how does this line up with my faith??? I have no idea. I am still trying to figure how I feel about it. I mean, I can say I think homosexuality is wrong and God is going to smite all gays. But, I mean, c'mon. It's my mom. She birthed me! How can I tell the woman who gave me life that she's an abomination? My mom and SM aren't weird or abnormal. They love, argue, care, disagree just like any other married couple, they just happen to be of the same sex. So, there's that anniversary.
The good anniversary is the One Year Anniversary of me working at the Church!!! Yay me! I actually made it! The job has helped me grow in so many ways. In maturity, faith, knowledge, skills, confidence, (bank account), and love. I have learned not to give up. This is the first time I stayed when things got hard. My prior M.O. is to just run away and hide from my problems. Just to say, they always came back.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Last week, my kids stayed the night with my sister. I was relaxing on the couch reading a good book enjoying the quiet when Marcos called. He called from a payphone since his phone had been turned off for the third time this year so it was little hard to understand him. He told me that he wanted to let me know that he won’t be living at his apartment anymore because he was getting evicted in three days for not paying his rent. He was also telling me about some of his other problems that he’s been having. His first daughter was supposed to move in with him since her mother has returned to drugs but now she can’t because of the homeless thing. His girlfriend just had surgery for the second time the day before because she has cancer on her face. His girlfriend’s family doesn’t like him. He doesn’t have anywhere to move to or a place to store his stuff.
All I wanted to do was help him, to take care of him, to make it okay. I offered to help him in anyway I could. I told him he could use my storage building, he could use my Aztek and trailer to move his things, I would help him find somewhere to live, or he could stay at my house until he could find something. I just had a hundred solutions to help him with his problems but none for my own. He said he would call me the next day to let me know what he needed.
Next day, he called and I took the kids over to see him at his apartment. I don’t ever go inside or even up to his door because I am still too scared/insecure/tender to meet his girlfriend. So he came outside and talked to me for almost an hour at my car. He told me that he still feels the same way about me, that his love for me wouldn’t ever go away. That he did miss our family. He said he was tired of living the way he was. I tried to tell him so many things without saying what I really wanted to say. I went home with hope and sadness in my heart. I prayed for God to show Marcos what he could have. I knew, though, he wouldn’t, but I still hoped.
He called again the next day while I was at work. I asked him if he figured anything out yet and when he will need me to help him. He said “Oh, I found a trailer for us to move into so I don’t need anything. Can I talk to the kids now?”
By this time, I had already told Amanda and Eric (probably closest thing I have to a best friend besides Amanda) what was going on. They had tried to gently caution me about hoping but I kept thinking God will take care of it. After getting off the phone, I just sat there. Eric held me for a few minutes while I cried. He tried really hard to comfort me. I thought, “Well, at least I know for sure now.”
For the next few days, when Marcos would call I would just let the kids answer right away or not answer at all if they weren’t there. Then Tuesday of this week, he called and then told Kalista to give me the phone.
Marcos: Hey, are you mad at me or something?
Me: No, why?
Marcos: I was just wondering because you weren’t talking to me and you wouldn’t say anything when I called. I thought I f**ed up again or something.
Me: No, everything is fine.
Marcos: Well, hey, do you think you could help me move my stuff tomorrow?
Marcos: You know, ‘cause you said you could use a trailer to move my things…
Me: Um, yeah…sure. Okay, yeah. Um, allright. Okay…What do you need me to do?
I was shocked that he would still call me and ask for help. But he said that no one else would be there to help him move. I was really nervous about helping him. I knew that Amanda would be mad at me (she was. She didn’t talk to me for like 10 minutes) and Eric would be upset with me also. I prayed for protection around my heart, for things to be good (whatever that means). I wanted so desperately for him to see that I was worth it. I wanted him to just see me.
Next day he comes to my work and we leave to get the trailer from Eric’s house. Two hours later and one trip to
I prayed the whole way to McDonald’s and back for stability, maturity, and protection. Everything was so surreal by this point. I kept thinking, “How did I get myself into moving my ex and his girlfriend? This is nearing Jerry Springer level.”
When I got back, we hooked the trailer back up to the SUV and drove it over the storage building place. Here is another kind of weird thing about this whole thing: Marcos and his gf are moving into the same motel (I guess the trailer thing fell through) that Amanda used to live in and they’re storage is at the same one Amanda & I had. What a coincidence.
When we were at the apartment I didn’t help move anything at all. I just thought it was a little beyond my capability at the time. But when we got to the storage place, I felt bad that he had to move everything by himself so I helped him put everything except their clothes into the storage room. I had to draw the line somewhere and it was evidently at touching her unmentionables. By the time we got done, it was about 11 pm and I was very ready to go home.
On the way home, I tried talking to Marcos about everything.
Me: There is a better way to live.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I mean the life you’re leading. You don’t have to worry about getting evicted, you don’t have to worry about your phoned getting turned off, or whether you’re going to eat that day, or when you’re going to see your kids again. Life wasn’t meant to be this hard to just live. There’s so much out there you could have. You could have a house, a good life.
Him: That isn’t meant for me. I’m paying for the things I’ve done, for the choices I’ve made.
Me: Marcos, there’s forgiveness…
When we get to my house, he comes inside to help me with kids. He says, “Thank you for helping me with all this. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything if you hadn’t helped. Really, thank you.” I just say, “Sure. It’s what I’m here for.” He comes closer to give me a hug and my body freezes up. I feel scared that he’s going to touch me. He does. All I could think was, “Soft. Nice. Don’t hurt me.” He then says, “Gina says ‘Thank you’ too. She really appreciates you helping us.” I felt like he punched me in my stomach. I tried to mumble something about that’s great and good bye.
I closed the door after him, locked it, then threw my keys at the wall. I wanted to scream; I took a shower instead. I made it as hot as I could stand. I let the burning water roll over me as I stood there and cried. I cried out to God.
After I got out of the shower, I looked in the Bible to find something that would comfort me and make me feel a little bit better. Of course, I found something in the first verse I found.
This is it:
2 Chronicles 20:14-20 "14Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite and descendant of Asaph, as he stood in the assembly.
15 He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 16 Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "
18 Jehoshaphat bowed with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD. 19 Then some Levites from the Kohathites and Korahites stood up and praised the LORD, the God of Israel, with very loud voice.
20 Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, "Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful."I know that the scripture is talking about a people who are about to come up against a huge army but the basis of it spoke to my heart. I wasn't facing a literal army but I was facing a huge heartache and vast disbelief in the things God has for me. It said to not be afraid because God will be with me when I come against all those things that are trying to break me. It tells me that this isn't even my battle to fight; that it is my Father's!
Friday, August 10, 2007
So, anyway, all that to say I want to start having this kind of mentality with organizing things in my life. My laundry usually piles up until I don't have any surface in my kitchen to put anything on. Now I dont really mind doing the actual laundry, I just hate putting it away. So for weeks my kids and I will get our clothes in the morning from the kitchen to get dressed. Anyway! I am going to start bribing myself to get my chores done. I can't read or watch a movie until I put away my clothes or wash the dishes or vaccummed or etc. Why am I blogging about this? No clue. Maybe to make it more tangible or for accountability reasons.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
P.S. No children were seriously injured in the story of this blog.