Sunday, November 22, 2009


I've been having dreams of being pregnant for the last couple of weeks. In my dreams I am so happy and full of joy. When I wake up, I feel so sad. Sometimes I'll cry for a few minutes before I get up and shake it off. I don't like to hold babies because it hurts me. I feel stupid saying that I want a baby. I already have two beautiful children and I shouldn't be greedy. There are people with no children at all. I want God to restore my womb. I want to have more children because I'm a good mother. I want to have more children because I love the feeling of being pregnant, of growing something in me that is perfect, innocent, and beautiful. I want to have more children so they can grow up and have children. I want Tony to know what it's like to go through the whole process. He's an amazing father. He deserves the experience of holding his baby in his arms.

I'm just sad today at this moment. Not all the time. I see the goodness in my life. I just don't get to talk about this very much.