Much Contemplation

This is the dream I had last night:


I was living in an apartment with my kids, sister, and her kids. Marcos lived there also, but his room was sort of separate from our space. We were all sleeping when I heard a cell phone ringing. I got up to find the cell phone and then I realized it was Marcos'. For some reason he wasn't answering it, maybe it didn't wake him up. I picked it up and when I looked at the caller id it said "Juxtaposition" but I knew that it was his girlfriend. I answered the phone and said, "Hello" She said, "Hey! I was thinking that we could go Christmas shopping together later." She didn't realize that it was me and not Marcos. I told her, "I don't want to go Christmas shopping with you." Then she said, "Oh...I think I have to go." I was so angry! That she called him, that I talked to her, and that they were doing intimate things. I threw the phone at Marcos where he was sleeping (which was on the floor instead of his bed).

I yelled at him "Your stupid slut just called!"
He said, "You don't have any right calling her that. You don't know her."
"But I do know that we were together when you met her, I know that she knew you had a family, I know she knew about me!"

He got up and started getting dressed to leave. I saw that he had picked out a shirt to wear that I had bought him. I was so furious that he was going to wear something I bought to be around her. I took his shirt and dumped it in the toilet then brought it back to him and said, "There, you can have it now." He got really mad about this. He grabbed me by my wrists and bit my arm. When he let go, I yelled, "You want to bite me? I'll do it for you!!" Then I bit myself hard enough to make myself bleed. He let me go and sat down on the couch. He was looking at the negatives to film. Somehow, I knew that they were pictures of him and her. I grabbed them out of his hands and ripped them apart. He tried to hit me with a telephone cord. I took the cord from him and hit myself repeatedly, just staring at him while I was doing it. I dropped the cord, pushed him to the couch, and sat on top of him. Our noses were almost touching we were so close and I told him, "Nothing hurts as much as what you have done. It pierces my heart. It stabs me in my chest. I could show you."

I got up to walk out and I looked at the torn film and I thought that there were pictures of me and him on there. I told him, "Even if there were pictures of us, they don't matter any more. That is nothing now."




I have been having dreams kind of like this a lot lately. I have prayed that God would take them away. I hate having to wake up those mornings. I just think about Marcos and how much I am hurt by him. About how much I still love him and miss him. It's been 6 months now, I shouldn't still be crying over him, should I? I just want relief from these kinds of dreams. It hurts too much.