Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

So, for a while I have been dating/friends with a guy who will remain anonymous until further notice. We will call him "?". Anyway, ? and I have a really strange and complicated relationship from the beginning. In the beginning our relationship started out in the worst possible way. I was cheating on Marcos with ?. I tried several times to break it off but I would inevitably go back to him over something insignificant or trivial that happened in my "real" relationship. I sought out spiritual counseling from another couple from my church but then would lie to them so I could continue my sin with ?.

I hate who I was then. I hurt ? just as much as I hurt my family. He was always there whenever I decided I wanted to "play". To him though, it wasn't just play. He had his heart in the relationship. The truth is, I was being a selfish brat. It cost me dearly. I lost respect for myself, from my daughter, and Marcos. I didn't trust Marcos anymore because of my actions. Yeah, I know...totally backwards.

When I finally started moving forward in my faith, I realized what kind of sin I was committing. I changed everything a few weeks leading up to the BFW. I really felt that God was speaking to me about the relationships in my life. I felt Him so close to my heart. I saw how much I was hurting both ? and Marcos, even though by this time I wasn't doing anything but talking to ?. But I was still having those thoughts and feelings. I was still keeping an avenue open just in case I needed to get "even" with Marcos. After the BFW, I became dedicated like never before to Marcos. I was totally convicted about my actions. I knew that God didn't want me to ration out my body like it was governemnt commodities. He wanted me to see myself as He sees me. As something that should be cherished, adored, and most of all waited for. I do have to say that the whole thing with Marcos did not work out how I imagined. But this isn't my plan afterall, it's God's. He has a proven track record of knowing what is better for me.

Well, anyway. About a month after Marcos moving on without us, I began talking to ? once again. I had no intentions whatsoever of making a serious relationship with him. I just wanted companionship and fill that void I was constantly feeling. He would listen to me while I was crying over Marcos and just hold me. He has always been so constant, NO MATTER WHAT I have done. Believe me, I have done some really cruel things to ? and still he doesn't waiver. So here we are 4 months down the road. I am still trying to work on my sex issues and my spiritual growth. ? knows how much I wanted to be married. He tells me he would marry me if I would let him. I do want to be married but I don't want to be married to the wrong man. My feelings aren't as strong or constant as his. I still love Marcos. I hate it, but it's true. I have prayed over my relationship w/ ? so many times, and I think I have received the answer before but just have ignored it because of my selfishness. I feel it in my heart that ? just isn't the one I am supposed to be married to. The only reason he goes to church right now is because I go and he wants to spend more time with me. I don't want that. In all my prayers about my future husband, I always ask for a man who worships the Lord whole-heartedly and without any reserve. I can't exactly force ? to love God the way I do either.

It's just so confusing. On paper, he looks like the perfect guy for me; but in my heart, it feels wrong. But I don't know if I feel that way because he doesn't treat me like crap or if I am still not over Marcos or if I am still thinking that I want to "play" instead of being committed. I am so sorry this entry is really jumbled up. I am just putting things down as they come to my mind. I am also sorry that this entry isn't as uplifting and funny as my others. There's a lot more to this story (aka drama) but my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts and they way they are twisting around right now. I guess I need CLEAR guidance and peace.


ericaprosser said...

Do I know him?

JesusFreak said...

i'll talk to you about it in private.

Francesca said...

Erica, so nosy! Jen, I encourage you to develop your love affair with Jesus before seeking anything else. When you need a shoulder to cry on who is more constant than Jesus? Who doesn't waiver like Jesus? When you decide you need no one but Jesus, then and only then will he send you THE ONE. I know that is easy for me to say because I am about to crawl in bed with my wonderful husband. But you are loved by no one more than Jesus. And do not be afraid that you will end up alone. When you delight yourself in the Lord He will give you the desires of your heart.

Angela said...

May He show you the way for you in this and give you peace and clarity. Thanks for sharing your life so frankly. Rooting for you.

Brenda M Becker said...

How far you have come, my precious burning fire of Jesus, and how far you are going - more than you can think or ask. love you always

High in Demand said...

God, Clarity for my sister. You have showed up in her life so many times where she knows that you speak to her! Show her God that your plans for her are good and that you will give her the desires of her heart.
I pray that she will stir up the courage within her to totally trust that you have the perfect husband planned for her. I thank you that you are taking care of every detail of her life. You care about where she works. You care about where she lives. You care about how much money a month she recieves in child support. You care about her having a nice fridge. Of course you care about her husband!

Jennifer, the Lord is going to give you the very best! You are going to have a husband that loves your humor. He's going to love you like Christ loves the church. He would lay his life down and die for you.

As far as ? goes...James 1:5-8 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will recieve anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

I'm pretty sure you know what to do about ?.