Are you ready for some dirt? Good. You're about to get an eye full. So I am finally ready to talk about what's going with me.
First, the cancer thing. I got the results back from the doctor on Monday, Feb. 25th. Up until the very moment the nurse spoke, I fully believed that God had healed me and everyone was going to be amazed and I would have another testimony, and blah blah blah. Well, as you probably have already guessed, that is not what happened. The nurse told me that my pap smear showed I had cancerous cells growing in my cervix and they progressed since my previous pap a year before. I didn't start crying until I got off the phone. My friend Eric was sitting next to me and he just hugged me for a minute while I was crying uncontrollably. Here's the thing. I wasn't upset about the actual cancer. I was upset because I felt betrayed and abandoned and un-protected by God. I felt like He totally shafted me. Truthfully, I was a little pissed at Him too.
Well, the doctor had already set up an appointment for me to get the culposcopy and the cryosurgery for that Thursday. It was all just happening so fast. It was like this whole thing was set into motion and I was just riding along.
The next day, Tuesday, I woke up with the Flu, exactly one week after Xander was diagnosed. That totally sucked. Although, if I could endorse anything, it would be Tamiflu. That stuff is AWESOME! I stayed home from work for two days, then went in Thursday morning to get a few things done. Staying home that week made me realize how much of myself I put into my work. I was literally dreaming of being in the office and getting things done. I was constantly calling Eric to make sure he was doing things right. I even had a nightmare that he put the wrongs dates on the calendar for the newsletter. Kind of creepy.
My appointment was for that afternoon. I was really nervous and I was still feeling yucky from the flu. My doctor was really great about everything. He was efficient and gentle. I give him two thumbs up. He told me that "it was minor and easy to take care of." He was able find all the bad spots and remove them. It was very localized. I have a follow-up appointment in May to see how my tissue has healed and see if anything new has popped up. I just stayed home and healed up that weekend.
That's good news, right? So, why was I still feeling like everything was so bad? I would mentally slap myself and tell myself to get a grip. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was just falling deeper and deeper into this pit of depression. I hated myself. I hated waking up. I hated breathing. I was so mad about everything. I was scared of everything too. I stopped talking to people. I didn't want to be around anyone. Having normal conversations grated against me. I was holding all this ugliness inside me. I wasn't having suicidal thoughts, but the very idea of living the rest of my life made me feel so tired and filled with despair. I became overwhelmed when thinking of making the smallest decisions. My emotions were just a big pile of mess. I was really, really trying to get everything under control but it just wasn't happening.
The person I was taking all my pain out on was Tony. I talked to him very ugly, telling him things that on purpose to be just mean. When we spent time together, I argued and picked fights with him constantly. Now, Tony is a very un-drama person. He probably has the highest level of Serotonin of anybody I have ever met. Things just don't faze him very much. So it frustrated me to no end when he would tell me "Things will be allright. Don't worry about it." I just felt like punching him. He wasn't saying that to be flippant or nonchalant about my situation, he just truly doesn't let things get to him. Well, I was doing my best to get to him. Tony just isn't used to dealing with the kind of junk I throwing at him. I was pushing him away but I was blaming it all on him and finding fault with everything he said or did. I realize now that I wanted someone else to hurt just as much I was. So, three weeks ago we were barely talking to each other. He said he wasn't going to be able to come visit me the coming up weekend because his band had a gig and he wanted to go to the SxSW festival thing in Austin. I was mad and was pretty much a bitch to him that whole week. I didn't talk to him very much until Sunday night when he had gotten back. That morning at church, for some reason (most likely the reason was God) I started to see my actions and how I was treating Tony. I became so filled with shame and guilt. I prayed that he would forgive me and I prayed that God would help me come out of what I was going through. I cried out to Him to help me keep my emotions under control. I stepped out and asked to be prayed for. I finally mentally slapped my ridiculous self straight. I didn't feel like everything was instantly better, but I felt determined to work at getting better. I made the decision not to give up and not to give in.
When I talked to Tony that night, I was trying to explain to him everything I had finally realized. He was kind of quiet during the whole conversation and didn't really say anything in agreeance. I just really wanted to believe that I could fix what I had broken. Sometimes, things just don't work that way.
The next day, Monday, Tony called me after he got off of work. We were talking about nothing in particular but I noticed that he wasn't talking like usual and he sounded down. So, I just asked him what was wrong. He said, "I really don't think we're going to make it. And I want to move to Austin in a year for my band. And I'm tired of always making you upset. This is just too hard."
Damn. So we talked about that for like an hour. I don't know why I asked, but I did. I asked him if he had cheated on me while he was in Austin. Yeah, he did. Isn't that crazy? Just when I was really feeling like I could overcome this battle, something else comes to knock me down. I was so angry. Angry with myself, with Tony, with God, with the devil, with the whole world. The next several days were really really hard to get through. I felt so dumb for believing in this thing that came to hurt me so deeply. We talked until like 2 am that night and the same for the rest of the week. That weekend was Easter weekend and we had already made plans for his family to come to church and for us to do all this stuff together. We decided to go ahead and do that and talk more about what we wanted to do about our relationship that weekend. That weekend ended up being very healing for the both of us. I just layed it all out there. He did the same.
Here's the thing, what he did was not okay, but what I had been doing was not okay either. The way I was treating him was just as much damaging to our relationship as what he did. Everything had just gotten so far away from where it started and where it was supposed to go. I have decided to forgive him. I don't mean pretend forgive either. That means I can't bring it up when we fight, or to make him feel guilty, or to get what I want. But it doesn't mean that he doesn't have to do things to earn my trust again, or we can't talk about it, or that I have to act like it didn't happen. It also means that I have to do things. I can't just immediately shut down or lashing out when bad things start happening. Pretty much, I have to act like a human being. That's really hard.
Things are still tender right now. And I don't know where things are going or how they're going to end up. I just know that God is good, I'm not giving up, and I have a good life to live.