#1 Circa 1986
When I was in kindergarten or first grade, my sister and I would walk to and from school everyday. Now, why we were allowed to do that I have no idea. We were living in friggin' El Paso!! The place most famous for abducting females and never seeing them again. Let's all just believe that my mother knew God was watching over us.
Anyway, I digress. I was a particularly cool individual because I had recently acquired a red pleather jacket with tons of zippers. This was back when Michael Jackson still had a nose and pre-Pepsi hair fire. So, basically he was still cool. And so was I. Amanda and I were walking home after school one day when we came across some boys we knew from school. Amanda was a lot cooler than me (even though she didn't have said numerously numbered zippered jacket) and was chatting them up. Evidently, I felt like The Jacket and I weren't getting enough attention so I started practicing my Martial Art skills on the nearby mesquite tree. As I was karate chopping and round-house kicking away, they all stopped talking and stared at me. I thought it was because they were amazed at my skills. Finally, my sister tried to put me out of my misery and yelled at me to stop acting retarded. Very solemnly, I turned around to her, put my hands together in front of my chest in a prayer-like fold, bowed ever so slightly and said, "I am sorry Master. I forget the strength of my powers." Amanda rolled her eyes and stalked off; and the boys just turned around and walked off too. I was mentally chastising myself for letting other people see my "secret" powers.
#2 Circa 1992-Sixth Grade
Still living in El Paso but I had gotten over the whole "mystical powers" thing by 6th grade. I was onto bigger and better things. I had "developed" quickly that year. I had no idea what to do with these new growths. When summer rolled around, my mom took me shopping to get a new swimsuit. It was one of those swimsuits that were two pieces but connected to each other on the side. There were all the rage in '92 El Paso. And they had it at the dollar store. My mom wanted to make sure I got one that accommodated my new body so she got one that had a little extra room up top. I wore it the first time when we all went to the water park, Wet-n-Wild. Everything was going great. I was just a swimming. I started noticing that when I would try to play around other people, they would kinda look at me weird then swim off to another place. I just thought to myself, "I must be swimming really awesome because they don't know how to act." Seriously, that's what I was thinking. Then I heard someone yelling. I just ignored it. People were usually yelling or laughing really loud or whatever. Whoever was yelling kept it up so I finally looked around to see what was going on. At this time, I was sitting in the shallow end next to a girl who I was trying to not impress too much so she wouldn't swim off like everyone else. Well, I finally located the source of the yelling. And it ended up it was a girl in a line for a ride at least a half football field away. It was weird because it seemed like she was pointing at me too. And she was doing something weird with her swimsuit top and gesturing something about putting her boob in her top. I turned to look at the girl next to me and she was just staring at my chest. I looked down and fully realized the horror. I had been flashing everyone my 12-year-old boob for at least the last 30 minutes.
#3 Circa 1993-Seventh Grade
Evidently, El Paso just brought out the worst in me. In 7th Grade, we had a Dance every 6 weeks. They were tons of fun. I never had a date (evidently too cool for that) or anything but I loved it. At one particular Dance, I was feeling very bold. I didn't usually dance very much. I mostly stuck to the punch and cookie table or sat next to a wall and envied everyone dancing. But this one time, something just got into me where I REALLY wanted to dance. So I was out there giving it my all. I did this thing with my feet spread wide apart, hands on my knees, moving my head rapidly in circular motion and kind of doing a MC Hammer thing at the same time. During this whole debacle, I had several friends come up to me and gently tell me to calm down or to just stop. I totally thought they were joking so I revved up my efforts. About that time, a teacher came over to me. At first she had a hard time getting my attention what with my quasi-head banging move (no, it wasn't even Metallica playing. It was Bel Biv Devoe). After smacking her a few times with my hair, she finally just stopped my head with her hand. I looked up and she guided me back over to my usual spot. She explained to me that I was taking up a large portion of the dance floor because other kids were afraid to get close to me and she thought I should just take a breather for a few songs. She had great timing too. I was feeling a little dizzy by that time. Thank goodness camera-phones were not yet invented!!
3 years ago