My Busy LIfe

Oh my goodness! I have been so ridiculously busy lately! For a while, I felt like I was lacking in all the areas of my life. But now they are all overflowing.

I started college earlier this month. It has been so much harder than I expected. I have still been putting in 40 hours every week at work and taking 7 hours at school. I have class on Mondays & Wednesdays 9a-12p and Tuesdays 6:30p -9:30p. Those Tuesday nights and Wednesday morning are getting rough. I have another biology class online which is totally kicking my butt. I'm not really good at understanding things that I can't get my hands on. It all seems so conceptual and not concrete.

God has been working on my heart lately in a few different areas. I feel like dough that is being kneaded right now, being prepared to become what I was meant to do. I find myself just staring off and being in awe of what God is putting in works.

I went to the doctor last week. He gave me the results of my last pap smear. They weren't good. I guess I might have cervical cancer. I haven't really told anyone about what's been going on. I am still contemplating what this means and what it means for my future. Because of the cost of the procedures I need done (culposcopy and biopsy), I am waiting on one of the agencies in Abilene to see if they can help with that. Then I'll see what the next thing after that is. When I found out about all this, it really broke my spirit/heart/faith. God has healed me of this very thing before. I felt betrayed for some reason. I remember hearing Bryan talk about people who were healed but then get the same illness 6 months later because they had not changed their hearts or life or whatever. I began to doubt myself and to doubt God. I began to doubt anything I thought I had received before or had thought I heard from God. I doubted my being healed of depression. I started having panic attacks and having feelings of despair like I used to. I doubted my dream of becoming a pharmacist. I thought that maybe I had just made everything up. I was just disheartened. Hearing the doctor tell me about my report, I didn't get scared or upset about the cancer itself. I was more upset about what me having cancer meant. What it meant for me, for my faith, for my kids, for my hopes. I felt very chaotic and unstable.

I feel better about things now though. I talked to Trish (shout out to my homie) about everything and she really gave me some good insight (as usual). She really helped me realize that this doesn't have to be my truth, these are just circumstances I am in right now. God healed me before and He can do it again. That's what I am praying for.

The other night when I was feeling really unsure about everything, I looked in the Bible for comfort. I wanted to look up "renew" but I didn't think that would be in there so I looked up "beginning" instead. I found a couple of scriptures but they didn't really ease the hurt I was feeling. I was sitting there having an inner monologue and staring blankly at the pages of my open Bible. Then the word "renew" came into focus. This is what it said (y'all probably already know it):

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits-

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--Psalm 103:1-5

I haven't felt desperate or had any panic attacks since I read that. I've been reading it and claiming it everyday. It's coming.