i let go

A Little Note: I actually posted this a couple of weeks ago. I took it off because sometimes I feel like people only want to see the funny, quirky side of me. But I don't always have a funny story to tell. So, if you don't really want to read a serious post from me, just skip this over. Thanks.

My happiness is causing someone else pain. I try not to think about it. I was in a relationship for 3 years (off & on) that ended in the beginning of November. I loved him. He loved me. It didn't work though. It never worked. I wanted so damn much that he couldn't give me & I had nothing to give him. Our relationship had this thing weighing on it from the beginning. It started out in sin. But even when I was out of that, things didn't get better. It was so hard to be together. We screamed, yelled, called bad names, threw things, cried out, begged. Even now, in this new beginning, I can feel an aching in my heart for something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself thinking of him, wanting to call & saying the one thing to hear him laugh, stopping my mouth from forming the word of his name, struggling with the thoughts in my mind. I feel certain I had to end it. He was part of who I used to be and didn't want to be anymore. He knew everything about me. He knew my past. He was there when I was dirty. He held me while I cried for another. He waited for me.

I let go. I hurt him. I'm sorry.