A couple of weeks ago, my boss asked me what my dream is. As in my goal or desire for my life. He said if money was not an issue, what would I do with in life. I had no clue.
Before landing this job, I had always had a goal to work for: graduating high school, the end of nine months, getting into college, graduating from college, getting a "real job." When I did get a real job, I felt relieved because I thought I had "made it." I was thinking that all I needed to do was keep working hard at this job for the next 40 years then I could retire, collect my pension, then eventually die in my sleep. I thought for such a long time that would be a great life. Fast forward a year and I am anything but relieved. I realized I don't want to do this for the rest of my life but I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do either.
At the time when my boss asked me that question, I kind of just blew it off. Mostly because I could not think of any career or one thing that would make me happy for an extended amount of time. I was still stuck in the thinking that this job as a church secretary was as good as I was going to get. I also think I didn't really want to dream at all because I was scared. I was scared to hope for something that would be impossible for me to attain. I was scared that I would just fail. I think I was even a little scared of my dream coming true because that would mean I would have to actually follow throught with something for once.
Four days later, I was working in the Nursery with Ginny and Pam. Ginny asks me out of the blue what my dream is. At first I got kind of irritated because I was thinking, "What the heck is the deal with people and dreams lately?" I told Ginny the truth that I had no dream. I had nothing that I was aspiring to do or to be. I quickly asked her what her dream was to get the attention off my-no-dream-having-self. That day, I really started to get uncomfortable with the fact that I had no dream, goal, or aspirations for anything for the rest of my life. It actually made me a little depressed. I also realized that was probably the reason I was feeling so lost lately.
The next day was Women of Worth. I also had a Theophostic session with Pam and Brenda right before W.O.W. It was about some stuff that I thought made me who I was, but really wasn't. Anyway, that isn't the point. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I had thought that the session didn't help me alot and I had an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to go home. I don't usually go to W.O.W. for different reasons which are mostly I am too lazy to actually get up and go. That night's W.O.W. was about birthing our destinies and dreams. By this time, I was having a mental temper tantrum with God. I was yelling inside my head telling Him to lay off, I don't have a dream, so let's all just get over it. But, as usual with God, He didn't lay off. When Becky was speaking up there about how inside each and every one us there is a very real destiny waiting to be birthed. She said that some women had aborted those dreams either because of fear, lies, laziness, or whatever. Every single word she spoke convicted me. I could see all the dreams I had killed because of my fear. All the dreams that God wanted me to have but I said no to because I thought I wouldn't make it.
When it was time to go to the front to be prayed for, I stood there for a very long time. I couldn't stop thinking of all the times I turned down an opportunity to be blessed by God with a new and abundant destiny. Then I prayed to God. I told Him I wanted a dream, I wanted something to strive for, to fight for, to crave. Becky prayed and prophesied over me. She told me that things I had always thought were not true. She told me something about myself very specific that only the Holy Spirit could have given to her.
Later that night when I was in bed I was thinking about that evening. I was just trying to think of what might be in store for me. All the sudden I realized God had given me a dream. I want to be a Pharmacist. Not just a pharmacy technician, no a real DOCTOR! I was really excited and was thinking of all the things I could do to accomplish that and about maybe having my own pharmacy right here in Clyde. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face. The next morning was very different. A huge spirit of fear gripped me all over. When I thought about going to school again, about all the homework, math & chemistry courses, money, and time that had to do with my new found dream, I got sick to my stomache. I told God that I just couldn't do it. It would be too hard. I would just fail anyway. I didn't tell anyone that I had dream. I didn't even want to think about it. It was all just too scary. I didn't want to hope for something again that I didn't know would come true. I was getting ready to have another abortion.
Then I just decided to hand all that over to God. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it by myself. I gave all my fear to Him. I finally started getting all the information I needed together. I found the courses I needed to take (yikes!) and which schools around here offer them. I found out that I have to go to Pre-Pharmacy School (just like a real doctor!!) first. I also found out that there is actually a shortage of Pharmacists in Texas so my job will actually be in high-demand. God is so good. He gave me the desires of my heart and then He gave them to me.
Today I applied for the Pre-Pharmacy school. Next all I have to do is apply for Financial Aide and take the Accu-Placer test to see how smart I am. This is a really hard decision for me. I am already paying on my student loans from my Associate Degree in Business. It would be so great if the next 6 years of education were if not totally paid for with a grant or scholarship of some type but at least paid for in cash every semester. So, I would greatly appreciate prayers for God to make a financial clearing for me in this new path.