Friday, August 17, 2007

There's a Reason

Last week, my kids stayed the night with my sister. I was relaxing on the couch reading a good book enjoying the quiet when Marcos called. He called from a payphone since his phone had been turned off for the third time this year so it was little hard to understand him. He told me that he wanted to let me know that he won’t be living at his apartment anymore because he was getting evicted in three days for not paying his rent. He was also telling me about some of his other problems that he’s been having. His first daughter was supposed to move in with him since her mother has returned to drugs but now she can’t because of the homeless thing. His girlfriend just had surgery for the second time the day before because she has cancer on her face. His girlfriend’s family doesn’t like him. He doesn’t have anywhere to move to or a place to store his stuff.

All I wanted to do was help him, to take care of him, to make it okay. I offered to help him in anyway I could. I told him he could use my storage building, he could use my Aztek and trailer to move his things, I would help him find somewhere to live, or he could stay at my house until he could find something. I just had a hundred solutions to help him with his problems but none for my own. He said he would call me the next day to let me know what he needed.

Next day, he called and I took the kids over to see him at his apartment. I don’t ever go inside or even up to his door because I am still too scared/insecure/tender to meet his girlfriend. So he came outside and talked to me for almost an hour at my car. He told me that he still feels the same way about me, that his love for me wouldn’t ever go away. That he did miss our family. He said he was tired of living the way he was. I tried to tell him so many things without saying what I really wanted to say. I went home with hope and sadness in my heart. I prayed for God to show Marcos what he could have. I knew, though, he wouldn’t, but I still hoped.

He called again the next day while I was at work. I asked him if he figured anything out yet and when he will need me to help him. He said “Oh, I found a trailer for us to move into so I don’t need anything. Can I talk to the kids now?”

By this time, I had already told Amanda and Eric (probably closest thing I have to a best friend besides Amanda) what was going on. They had tried to gently caution me about hoping but I kept thinking God will take care of it. After getting off the phone, I just sat there. Eric held me for a few minutes while I cried. He tried really hard to comfort me. I thought, “Well, at least I know for sure now.”

For the next few days, when Marcos would call I would just let the kids answer right away or not answer at all if they weren’t there. Then Tuesday of this week, he called and then told Kalista to give me the phone.

Me: Hello?
Marcos: Hey, are you mad at me or something?
Me: No, why?
Marcos: I was just wondering because you weren’t talking to me and you wouldn’t say anything when I called. I thought I f**ed up again or something.
Me: No, everything is fine.
Marcos: Well, hey, do you think you could help me move my stuff tomorrow?
Me: …….
Marcos: You know, ‘cause you said you could use a trailer to move my things…
Me: Um, yeah…sure. Okay, yeah. Um, allright. Okay…What do you need me to do?

I was shocked that he would still call me and ask for help. But he said that no one else would be there to help him move. I was really nervous about helping him. I knew that Amanda would be mad at me (she was. She didn’t talk to me for like 10 minutes) and Eric would be upset with me also. I prayed for protection around my heart, for things to be good (whatever that means). I wanted so desperately for him to see that I was worth it. I wanted him to just see me.

Next day he comes to my work and we leave to get the trailer from Eric’s house. Two hours later and one trip to Abilene U-haul just in time for them to say sorry we’re closed I finally borrow my friend’s SUV that has a hitch to fit the trailer and we’re off to his apartment in Abilene. We get there and I am feeling EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go inside his apartment where they had their life. He keeps reassuring me that it is fine if I go, so finally I get out of the car and go. I was screaming inside my head that this wasn’t right. I shouldn’t be here. I just stood there looking at all of their stuff, things I never would have had in my house. Tacky mirrors (those gotta be a must-have with all Mexicans), dollar store paintings, pink everything, pool table, fake gold lamps. The kitchen had bags and bags of trash sitting on the floor, the counters, hanging from the wall. There was a rotting watermelon in the sink. It was so weird being there. I thought to myself, “There’s a reason why people don’t get to see what it’s like when ex’s move on. There’s a reason and this is it.” Then a couple who used to be our friends and are now their friends came over to help him. Very awkward. What are you supposed to say to people who only knew you as part of something that doesn’t exist anymore and now are friends with the “replacement”? I couldn’t stand any longer so I said I was going to get something to eat for the kids while they moved everything into the trailer.

I prayed the whole way to McDonald’s and back for stability, maturity, and protection. Everything was so surreal by this point. I kept thinking, “How did I get myself into moving my ex and his girlfriend? This is nearing Jerry Springer level.”

When I got back, we hooked the trailer back up to the SUV and drove it over the storage building place. Here is another kind of weird thing about this whole thing: Marcos and his gf are moving into the same motel (I guess the trailer thing fell through) that Amanda used to live in and they’re storage is at the same one Amanda & I had. What a coincidence.

When we were at the apartment I didn’t help move anything at all. I just thought it was a little beyond my capability at the time. But when we got to the storage place, I felt bad that he had to move everything by himself so I helped him put everything except their clothes into the storage room. I had to draw the line somewhere and it was evidently at touching her unmentionables. By the time we got done, it was about 11 pm and I was very ready to go home.

On the way home, I tried talking to Marcos about everything.

Me: There is a better way to live.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I mean the life you’re leading. You don’t have to worry about getting evicted, you don’t have to worry about your phoned getting turned off, or whether you’re going to eat that day, or when you’re going to see your kids again. Life wasn’t meant to be this hard to just live. There’s so much out there you could have. You could have a house, a good life.
Him: That isn’t meant for me. I’m paying for the things I’ve done, for the choices I’ve made.
Me: Marcos, there’s forgiveness…

When we get to my house, he comes inside to help me with kids. He says, “Thank you for helping me with all this. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything if you hadn’t helped. Really, thank you.” I just say, “Sure. It’s what I’m here for.” He comes closer to give me a hug and my body freezes up. I feel scared that he’s going to touch me. He does. All I could think was, “Soft. Nice. Don’t hurt me.” He then says, “Gina says ‘Thank you’ too. She really appreciates you helping us.” I felt like he punched me in my stomach. I tried to mumble something about that’s great and good bye.

I closed the door after him, locked it, then threw my keys at the wall. I wanted to scream; I took a shower instead. I made it as hot as I could stand. I let the burning water roll over me as I stood there and cried. I cried out to God.

After I got out of the shower, I looked in the Bible to find something that would comfort me and make me feel a little bit better. Of course, I found something in the first verse I found.

This is it:

2 Chronicles 20:14-20 "14Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite and descendant of Asaph, as he stood in the assembly.

15 He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 16 Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

18 Jehoshaphat bowed with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD. 19 Then some Levites from the Kohathites and Korahites stood up and praised the LORD, the God of Israel, with very loud voice.

20 Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, "Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful."

I know that the scripture is talking about a people who are about to come up against a huge army but the basis of it spoke to my heart. I wasn't facing a literal army but I was facing a huge heartache and vast disbelief in the things God has for me. It said to not be afraid because God will be with me when I come against all those things that are trying to break me. It tells me that this isn't even my battle to fight; that it is my Father's!


Amanda said...

I'm sorry Jennifer. I love you.

Amanda said...

i had to use my sisters comment the young bro. of the three kids,and i ve never written a comment on blogs before(i think they are stupid.i rather keep it all inside). anyways jen. i know u want me and everyone feel sorry for u, but i dont!!!! your too strong,good,beautiful,kind,smart and all the other words i cant think of right now for all this doubt. im not saying get over it,but i think your a lot higher than u talk about. if you ever feel sad or doubt just say to your self my favorite phrase "life is too long for this b.s. ,not short." it helps me sometimes p.s. dont respond,this makes me sound kinda nice. dont forget im dark and evil.

Ashlee said...

I'm so glad God gave you that word and his revealing His provision for you. Continue to trust in it no matter how difficult. Just from reading your blogs I've been amazed at how much you've grown!

High in Demand said...

A note from one of your goon squad...yes, I loved the mention of my name.

Oh my gosh Jennifer, as I read this I couldn't breathe! I was holding my breath to see what happened. I hated every minute of it for you! I hated thinking about your heart being tampled on like that!
I love you so much, and hearing how you turned to the Bible for comfort made me so happy! I'm so glad that the Lord encouraged you! His plans for you are beyond what you can think, ask or imagine!

I will just say that you have a great destiny ahead of you where you will teach other women all these wonderful truths that your learning right now. You have a great gift of encouragement, and a great gift of teaching. You will be used your whole life by God to bring freedom to the captives, and to heal the broken hearted! All of the pain you've been through will not be in vain. You will have great victory in your life, and you will bring great victory to many other women!

Tangerinetinselbreeze said...

I have to second Brandi's post. My heart hurt as I read. I am just in awe of how beautifully you were encouraged by the true lover of your soul. You are beautiful to me.

JesusFreak said...

Just to say, I didn't write this post so that anyone would feel sorry for me. It was inside me and it was hurting me. I was too humiliated and hurt to say all those things out loud and, to tell the truth, I felt a hundred times better after I had written it all out.

Oh, and about my brother. a.k.a Mr. dark and evil, he isn't. He's still that little boy who played with his hotwheels laying down on the carpet making all the noises for the cars.

Anonymous said...

Jen-is this what you were going through at lunch last Thurs? I don't blame you for not wanting to delve (is that a word?) into it in a 45 minute time slot. I'm glad you wrote it out though. I'm also so proud of you for turning to the Word. I still have a hard time doing that. I act so immature sometimes, thinking that things of the world will satisfy (movies, punching a hole through the wall, etc.), but it's only God who will satisfy and comfort us. I love you!