Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Grace Given

I recieved something from God the other day. He is always so En Pointe it's a little bit scary. It's like He can read my mind or something...

Anyway. I have been building up a lot of bad feelings and anger for the last few weeks and I couldn't really figure out why. The situation I was in hadn't really changed, but I just seemed to be dwelling only on the negative things in life. I have been thinking just about stuff that people have done to me that wasn't fair and pretty much just being a big baby about everything. So I was praying about it and asking God to give me a little more grace in this area until I could finally get it all figured out. That's when He whispered in my ear. Here I was wanting some grace while I was not willing to give any to others. I began to see that Grace and Forgiveness go hand-in-hand. God has totally given me TONS of grace even though I certainly do not deserve it and He forgave me. I am made in His image so....

Well, I can't say that I have totally forgiven everyone yet, but I am on my way. It hurts me more than it does "them" (the people I am not forgiving) because I am the one who is picking at my wounds while they have gone on to live their lives. The weird thing about all this is that now that I am letting go, I am finally realizing that I didn't really want what I thought was stolen from me in the beginning.

Totally different subject: I have been having a really hard time with Kalista lately. I definitely need some prayer for stronger maternal instincts instead of I-want-to-strangle-her instincts. Sometimes I think "What in the heck is wrong with her? Why can't she just be normal?" Then I think about how I was when I was about her age, and it ends up my mom's wish came true. Oh, cruel irony!! I have been actively blocking the thought of teenage years. If I think about it too much, I may not make it.

I sure wish I could blog about something more profound...

4 comments:

Bloomin' Cactus said...

So, this is Miss Rachel, children's pastor, leaving this comment. I was having a hard time with Payton, too. But, I heard a teaching titled "Who's Living in Your House?" Totally changed my heart -- and mind. Ask God to show you a picture of how HE sees Kalista. Ask Him to show you her giftings. I'm telling you, when you can start to see your kids through the eyes of Heaven, it will change your heart and mind. I've tried to do that with different people in my life -- God, show me how YOU see them. It really changes everything!!

Tangerinetinselbreeze said...

Just out of curiousity- WHAT IS MORE PROFOUND THAN REVELATION FROM GOD AND MOTHERHOOD?
World peace?
Just messing with ya. You are in a good place, I am looking forward to your talk. And I will pray for you and Calista. Be raised in the name of Jesus!

Bloomin' Cactus said...

Hey! Just wanted to let you know that your BFW talk was amazing!! Awesome!! Something I realized while you were standing there is that you are a generation-changer!! Kalista & Xander are getting to see a mom who is in love with Jesus and who is waiting patiently (or not-so-patiently-at-times-and-that's-ok) for her husband to come along who will love her and her kids -- the right way!! I'm believing that your kids will never go through the things you've been through because you are doing better. Mya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better." You're doing better, not only for yourself, but for them! I think you've broken what was or could have been a generational curse!!

Monica said...

I loved what you wrote and the revelation God gave you about forgiveness and grace. We all need to be reminded of all the grace God has for us to positive sometimes. Remember forgiveness is a process and you are doing great..keep up the good work. I will be praying for your mom patience and understanding, we all need more of that! You are a great mom and I dido what Rachel said.