Okay, so I was delivered of my depression a few weeks ago with the help of some special ladies (brenda & pam) and a very special guy I like to call Holy Spirit; maybe you've heard of him. (would he really be a guy? is that blasphemous? i mean, can the holy spirit be limited to just one gender?)
Anyway, I digress. I was living it up after my un-depression! I was telling anyone who did or did not want to hear about it. I told believers and non-believers alike. My mom still doesn't really believe me. She keeps asking me if I am okay and staring at me really weird as if she could "detect" the depression somewhere inside me. I guess that's a mom for ya. I was living in a perpetual state of elation. Then about a week and a half after, I started noticing that I was getting angry. Angry like I wanted to punch someone. And over stuff that didn't really make sense. I would get irate when my kids laughed, when someone would call and ask me to do something at work (which, by the way, is MY JOB!), when someone would sniff more than I thought was necessary, the screen on my phone was dirty...Seriously, people. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. I was thinking "What the heck is wrong with me?!" And then I would get mad that I was getting mad over nothing. I prayed about it and asked God to help me with this thing. Then I started second guessing my deliverance. I was thinking "What if I just made that whole thing up?" I was feeling really irritated with people I usually love. I was being seriously judgemental also and I totally hate that. I am usually against people who judge quickly with no basis for it. I was just feeling so unlike myself. Then I got some bad news from my doctor that just compounded my foul outlook and attitude. I was letting some petty comments get to me also. I just felt like I hated everyone, didn't want to be near God, and was un-great at my job. I could feel the depression just lurking and waiting to pounce on me once again. I had a great huge pity party. Y'all should have been there, next time I will plan a little better and send invitations. (just kidding) The spirit of offense had taken up residence in my heart. Every little thing anyone said to me ended up being scrutinized for something hurtful or mean. If someone did say something nice, I was rolling my eyes inwardly the whole time. I wasn't enjoying any of the things I usually do either. I was just full of yuck!
Now, of course, I realize the devil had pulled out all the stops on attacking me. He opened up on me with both barrels blazing. And, worst of all, I didn't fight back. I was like a deer caught in the headlights and run over by a Dodge Ram with a huge grill guard. I was to' up from the flo' up! (for all the white uncool people out there, here is a translation: I was tore up from the floor up). I was so confused about what was happening. I just wanted to go on in my merry little la-la way in my euphoria of deliverance instead of actively fight for my blessings. No wonder I was such an easy target for the devil.
This weekend, a friend who I haven't seen about 6 or 7 months came to visit. We talked about a lot of things and it ended up that she was having a lot of the same feelings and emotions I was. I don't know why but talking to her for that brief time about what was going on with me and her seriously helped me. I felt relief. I was finally able to put some things back in perspective. I could feel the tension in my chest loosening.
I can either just wallow in my unhappiness or do something about. I am going to do something. For one thing, I don't really have anything that I am passionate about. Well, I am passionate about the Lord. But I don't even do anything extra for that besides the usual stuff like prayer, church, and lifegroup. I want to find something that I can commit to and help with. Another thing, I don't spend enough quality time with my kids. We don't get to spend as much time together anymore since I work full time and with the extra church activities at night. I really want to refocus on them. There are a few other areas I am going to make some changes in. When I have "finalized" my plans, I will post about that. Until then, my faithful readers (both of you), much love and May the Holy Spirit be with you.
2 years ago