Burning Fire Within

With BFW coming up, I have been thinking about last year's BFW and how much of an impact it had on my life. It literally altered my life.

To the left here is one of my most favorite photos from BFW 2006. Especially with Ashley in the background making goofy faces.

I am hoping to come back with plenty more awesome pictures this year, and another huge change in my life.

Here is Nicole with one of our delicious lunches. Nicole was cool enough to pose in the pictures I took of almost every meal we had. She rocks!

Onions

How many changes and turns can my life possibly take? I have been much more introverted than usual lately. Actually thinking about the effect my actions have on other people. I don't want to be who I use to be anymore. Not even who I used to be last week. It just seems like every day I am growing out my old skin and stretching my newest one. This probably seems really confusing to whoever is reading this...

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend I used to date. I had moved on from that whole thing, but evidently he hadn't. He was mad at me about things I said and lied about, things I did and lied about. I was struggling with what to do. I told him that I was very sorry that I hurt him, but I am not who I was back then. He wanted to argue about why what I did was wrong but I really didn't want to. I didn't want to focus on everything that I messed up on; I didn't want to visit those old feelings again. I have CHANGED! Anyone who knows me knows I am not the same. It had been almost 2 years since any of that stuff happened and 2 years since I changed. I was frustrated because I wanted the world to move on with me, not be stuck in the mess I created. Understandably, he was upset that I wasn't. I just began to feel like trying to change was futile because it always came back around anyway.

Why do I give in to the lies the devil feeds me so easy? If I could, I would give the devil a serious indian burn! (should that be called a native-american burn in the pc world???) Totally ridiculous how easy it is for the devil. He's so lame.

Oh, I just realized that my title has nothing to do with what I blogged about.

A Prayer for Me

Last Sunday, Brian invited anyone who had an illness to come up to the front at the end of the service. I went up there to receive a healing prayer for my PCOS thing I have going on (but that God is already healing). I got Jim and Brenda as my prayer "sponsers." Brenda prayed over me for total healing. Then Mr. Jim told me he prays that God will show me just how much He loves this week. Above all else, God just shows me how much He truly loves me. When he was telling me this, I could see tears in Jim's eyes. I think Jim is the father I would have loved to have growing up and now. He is such a great example of what a man should be in any situation. In worshiping, teaching, loving his wife, praying, or just joking around. This is my ode to Jim Becker. A man I don't feel scared to talk to or be hugged by, a man who doesn't judge too quickly or too slowly, a man who I don't want to disappoint, and most of all, a man who is in love with his beautiful wife. I just love how many examples of good men I have around me these days.

*wink* to God.

Hi, My Name is Jennifer...

Hi, my name is Jennifer and I'm a baller, shot-caller, 2o-inch rims on my impala....Okay, sorry. Got carried away with Lil Wayne there for a moment. But for real, I'm a baller. My "ride" is so "phat" I'm not sure about the 20" rims part, I'm not even sure if they are rims but they are really big. N-e-wayz!

Let's start from the beginning.

God said let there be light and then...just kidding. (sorry about all the preamble. i am just in a very jovial mood right now).

The REAL beginning:

In November, I asked Randi and Brandy for help with a budget because at the time they were my lifegroup leaders and I needed help with my budget. Randy came over and helped me figure some stuff out. I called him later to ask if he thinks I could fit into my budget saving each month for a new car. He asked me what kind of car I was looking for and I told him that I would either like a Saturn Vue or a Pontiac Aztek. And, very Randy like, he said, "Huh. An Aztek?" I said yes, that they're pretty inexpensive and I have liked them ever since the show Dark Angel came out (the parapalegic guy had one). He then told me that Aaron Laughlin's mother had an Aztek that she was thinking about selling. Randy asked me how much I would have to buy the car with, which was $5000. He told me he would call her and ask her about it and how much she would sell it for. You know, kinda feel her out and stuff.

Randy called me back a couple of days later and said that if she were to sell her car she would sell it for $5000. I couldn't buy it right then because I needed to wait for my income tax refund and she wasn't ready to sell yet either. I was so happy! It just seemed meant to be. Randy asked her to call him first when she finally decided to sell.

I called Randy in the beginning of January to ask him if he could call Aaron's parents again and get the 411 on the car situation. He called me back and let me know that they had decided to keep it instead. Normally, this would have crushed me. It did make me upset, but not like it usually would. I just knew that God had a plan for me in this situation. After that, I didn't even look for another car. I just had faith that God was going to supply this need.

***Oh, let me fill you in on something right here. My sister had a REALLY crappy car. It finally got too crappy so it went away. She was borrowing my mom's car, which if anyone has borrowed their parent's car knows how much of a pain in the butt in can be. So our plan was that I was going to sell my car to my sister and then with that money combined with my refund, I was going to buy a new car for myself.***

One day, I was going through the list of my blog friends when I happened on Rachel's blog about needing a bigger car. I got excited because I wanted to buy her car but I didn't know if she was serious about selling hers and getting a bigger one for her. So I left a comment about buying her car. I waited about 6 hours (that's a long time in my world) then finally IM'd her when she didn't reply back. Amazingly, Rachel was all about it. I was kind of shocked. She said that she would find out all the financial stuff the next day and suggested ways for me to go about getting a loan if I didn't have enough. I had faith in God to supply, but I guess I didn't expect it to happen so darn fast! Well, anyway, fastforward 2 weeks, and now I am a proud-owner of a Pontiac Aztek. Yay me!

Now, I make up excuses to just go driving. It's a lot bigger than my Ford Focus so I am having to get use to NOT running over curbs... Also, Rachel and Aaron have been so great about everything. Since I sold my car to Amanda and was without a car for a day, Aaron let me borrow his car while they were getting the gas tank thing figured out and I could get the Aztek the next day. This is the second time that Aaron and Rachel have blessed me in a big way. First was when Marcos left, he took our bed with him so I was having to sleep with the kids in their bunkbed for a couple of weeks. Well, A&R gave me not only their mattresses, but their really awesome sleigh-like bed and the dresser/mirror that goes with it!!!! The set is so beautiful. I guess I should put some pictures up of them. Remind me to do that...

This is my prayer: Thank you God for generous souls and giving people such as Aaron and Rachel. Even if they had not given me all that they have, their hearts and prayers are more than enough. Thank you for allowing them to be free with their possessions. Thank you for supplying them everything they need Lord. Thank you for showing me Your love through them. Thank you God that I have such great examples of Christians to follow.

B.L.

For most women in this competition, B.L. means Biggest Loser. As for me, it means Biggest Le Gainer. Seriously guys. I have gained 1.5 pounds since starting this thing, AFTER CHRISTMAS! What the heck is going on here??? I think someone is secretly putting weight gain pills in my food before the drive-thru people give it to me. I am so onto their game. Probably injecting some kind weird extra fat into my normally harmless french fries and cheeseburgers and sometimes (greasy) green chicken enchiladas. I know its a conspiracy! Who's with me to uncover this sabotage! These people's (whoever "they" are) treachory knows no bounds...

Delivered and Delivarance

Okay, so I was delivered of my depression a few weeks ago with the help of some special ladies (brenda & pam) and a very special guy I like to call Holy Spirit; maybe you've heard of him. (would he really be a guy? is that blasphemous? i mean, can the holy spirit be limited to just one gender?)

Anyway, I digress. I was living it up after my un-depression! I was telling anyone who did or did not want to hear about it. I told believers and non-believers alike. My mom still doesn't really believe me. She keeps asking me if I am okay and staring at me really weird as if she could "detect" the depression somewhere inside me. I guess that's a mom for ya. I was living in a perpetual state of elation. Then about a week and a half after, I started noticing that I was getting angry. Angry like I wanted to punch someone. And over stuff that didn't really make sense. I would get irate when my kids laughed, when someone would call and ask me to do something at work (which, by the way, is MY JOB!), when someone would sniff more than I thought was necessary, the screen on my phone was dirty...Seriously, people. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. I was thinking "What the heck is wrong with me?!" And then I would get mad that I was getting mad over nothing. I prayed about it and asked God to help me with this thing. Then I started second guessing my deliverance. I was thinking "What if I just made that whole thing up?" I was feeling really irritated with people I usually love. I was being seriously judgemental also and I totally hate that. I am usually against people who judge quickly with no basis for it. I was just feeling so unlike myself. Then I got some bad news from my doctor that just compounded my foul outlook and attitude. I was letting some petty comments get to me also. I just felt like I hated everyone, didn't want to be near God, and was un-great at my job. I could feel the depression just lurking and waiting to pounce on me once again. I had a great huge pity party. Y'all should have been there, next time I will plan a little better and send invitations. (just kidding) The spirit of offense had taken up residence in my heart. Every little thing anyone said to me ended up being scrutinized for something hurtful or mean. If someone did say something nice, I was rolling my eyes inwardly the whole time. I wasn't enjoying any of the things I usually do either. I was just full of yuck!

Now, of course, I realize the devil had pulled out all the stops on attacking me. He opened up on me with both barrels blazing. And, worst of all, I didn't fight back. I was like a deer caught in the headlights and run over by a Dodge Ram with a huge grill guard. I was to' up from the flo' up! (for all the white uncool people out there, here is a translation: I was tore up from the floor up). I was so confused about what was happening. I just wanted to go on in my merry little la-la way in my euphoria of deliverance instead of actively fight for my blessings. No wonder I was such an easy target for the devil.

This weekend, a friend who I haven't seen about 6 or 7 months came to visit. We talked about a lot of things and it ended up that she was having a lot of the same feelings and emotions I was. I don't know why but talking to her for that brief time about what was going on with me and her seriously helped me. I felt relief. I was finally able to put some things back in perspective. I could feel the tension in my chest loosening.

I can either just wallow in my unhappiness or do something about. I am going to do something. For one thing, I don't really have anything that I am passionate about. Well, I am passionate about the Lord. But I don't even do anything extra for that besides the usual stuff like prayer, church, and lifegroup. I want to find something that I can commit to and help with. Another thing, I don't spend enough quality time with my kids. We don't get to spend as much time together anymore since I work full time and with the extra church activities at night. I really want to refocus on them. There are a few other areas I am going to make some changes in. When I have "finalized" my plans, I will post about that. Until then, my faithful readers (both of you), much love and May the Holy Spirit be with you.

Back for the First Time

I am sure that everyone has noticed that I have not been blogging for the last few weeks. There are 2 reasons for that. First: The stupid new blogger wouldn't let me sign in after I switched to Beta or whatever. Blimey bums! Second: I have been processing some MAJOR stuff lately. Well, I am actually still kinda processing right now but at least I can see the pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel. It's like whoa (all the people who were into rap in 2000 and 2001 will know what I am talking about).