Allright, allright! People have been seriously harrassing about my absence from blogland. It's not on purpose or anything. I just have been going through some serious junk that I am still not all the way through but I am tired of being hassled about not blogging. I didnt even know that anyone even cared about it.
Anyway, where do I begin??? Maybe I will just post a whole bunch of short ones right now or one long one. I dont know yet. Let's see where this goes.
Okay, this goes back to about 2 months ago and it is really old for everyone else but since I haven't said anything about it on here or much to anyone else, AND it's my blog so I will do whatever I want, I want to talk about the BFW. I have a lot conflicting emotions about that weekend. It was very exciting since I got to give my own personal testimony in front of other women about how God has changed me inside and out. I was very nervous about the whole thing, especially since the majority of the women were college age and I never went through all that stuff. I went straight from high school to being an unmarried mother. But, as it turns out, there were tons of women who came up to me afterwards and told me how my story touched them. That night when we were worshiping, I was crying out to God to heal my heart. I just needed so much healing. He did heal me in the area of Marcos. I was finally able to release him, forigive him, and to actually bless him and his girlfriend. Talk about overcoming pride!
The next day, Thursday, was absolutely incredible. Brandi did an amazing job on the repentance talk. As usual, she clarifies the exact things that were confusing me. Then we did the Cross Nailing, which made some of our table members very unhappy. But I think they appreciated just how important it was to put that stuff out there by the end. I actually said some things out loud that I had vowed I would never talk about, not even to God. But, just to say, I haven't done those things that I repented about and I guess that is the whole point of the thing. Anyway, I'm rambling. Later we worshiped for what seemed like 12 hours. At one point, Kathi announced that she thought we should march around the room seven times just like they did in Jericho. I'm sure it was to make some kind of walls come down somewhere. Even though I was a little confused about the purpose of it, I was really into it. It was like we were all a surgining force of Christ walking/jumping/dancing/skipping/running/hopping around the room. I think it was during this worship session that I injured myself. That night when I went to bed my legs were sore, weak, and throbbing a little. I was thinking to myself that all I needed was to rest them a little and they would be better in the morning. Uh, no. That was not even close to how it was. When I tried to get up in the morning, my legs were screaming with pain. They were both swollen and hard. I had officially pulled the calf muscles in both of my legs. I was so stinking mad! I couldn't worship like I wanted to. I couldn't dance like everyone else, I couldn't worship the Lord with my whole body like I was craving to do, I couldn't even walk right. When the band (which was, by the way, the most phenomenal live band EVER, not just because it was pure women either) began playing "Undignified" I was livid! All I could do was kinda move my body in some kind of pseudo-jump that probably looked like I had to go pee but was trying to hold it in. Finally, I got so frustrated I tried to jump once to just 'test' it out.
Yeah, no. It hurt so bad I actually cussed.
I prayed to God to just heal me, heal my stupid legs. He didn't for reason unbeknownst to me. I know that there is a lesson in there somewhere, but I am not completely sure what it is. Maybe that I don't have to be so extroverted in my worshiping all the time. I do that a lot. I think that the more I jump, the more I lift my hands, or the louder I sing will mean more to God. I don't know. Anyway, so I didn't get healed by the time we left. I didn't get to go to heaven either. When Brandi knocked me out, I don't really remember anything. It's blank. I do know that Brandi was doing some serious spiritual stuff to other people. What I do remember about that is she put her hand on my head softly and I just felt myself lying down. I woke up and got up but couldn't stop shaking for some reason. I thought maybe I was cold but I was sweating. Another mystery. When Brandi made her second round and she came to me, she started hugging me and telling me I was so beautiful and she loved me. The only problem was that Brandi evidently didn't have the power to hold herself up anymore so she was leaning on me (i was still sitting on the floor) and started leaning more and more heavily on me. I was thinking "This is going to be seriously awkward if she ends up laying on top of me." so I was trying my best to stay sitting up and hold up Brandi while she was laughing hysterically.
What is really funny is that it didn't seem all that weird at the time that Brandi couldn't hold herself up, having an uncontrollable laughing fit, or that Rachel was off to the side bent over unable to stand up, or that women were saying that they felt rain drops on their hands, that Chrissy was walking around the room stepping over bodies praying and waving her hands over everyone, or that Francesca had curled up on the floor seeming to have fallen asleep in all the chaos. At one point, women were going up to the microphone declaring what they had claimed from heaven. I didn't hear one person say they had claimed the world's riches or a brand new lexus or any other materialistic item. Almost everyone's was something for a family member or for a healing. I knew what I wanted to claim but I was thinking there was no way in heck I was going to get up and announce it. I heard in my ear, a very audible voice say "How can you expect to get something you won't even risk your pride for?" WARNING! WARNING! IF A MALE, DO NOT READ NEXT SENTENCE! I stood up and went to the mic, apologized to Francesca (she gets really embarrassed about the word) and declared that I was claiming a new vagina from heaven. It's what I want, allright? Rachel later told me that she was wondering what that room looked like.... I'm still praying for that and believing something will happen in "that area. "
A really, really good thing I liked about the weekend was I was able to get to know Trish Trueblood better. We had said hi or how are you in the past but we never just talked. I got to know her and what she was about. I had kind of judged her in the past. Okay okay, I totally judged her without even a second thought. I came clean with her though and apologized for doing that since she was not at all like I thought she was. We still havent been able to hang out as much as I would like, but that is on account of her being a seriously busy woman.
Okay, that Sunday's worship is beyond anything I can describe accurately. It is definitely a case of "You had to be there to believe it" It was so completely and totally amazing. I dont know who it was, (i think bryan) announced during worship that all the women should line up to make a Fire Tunnel and for the men to go through it. It was just awesome. All the women prayed over every person who came through. I'm not sure what the other women were saying to the men, but I kept saying things that I had no idea where they came from. I gave many men words who I didn't even know. I was feeling disappointed in the weekend since I didn't get healed and I didn't feel a huge change in me like I did last year. But when we did the fire tunnel, it was like my spirit had been lifted to the heavens. I felt God's love flowing through me out to the people we touched, prayed over, and loved on coming through the Fire Tunnel. When Bryan came through, tears just started flowing because of the immense love I could feel God had for him. A minute later I was laughing because Bryan was on the floor having succumbed to the Holy Spirit. (side note: Later, I told Amanda that a perk about the Fire Tunnel was that I got to touch a lot of nice, firm muscles. :) It's been awhile. Don't judge me!)
I remember thinking: This is heaven. This is what real heaven is like. Praying over each other and loving the Lord hardcore. I didn't want it to stop. When we were all called to go back to our seats, Bryan still hadn't quite got full control of himself. Evidently neither had Rachel or Brandi because a few minutes into when Bryan was talking I saw Brandi stand up and walk back to sit with her family; Rachel was sitting on the floor laughing for a little while. I tried to think of how it would be for a first-timer. I don't know if I would have been horrified or fascinated. Probably both. I love my church.
If this blog entry was a movie the ending would like this: Me jumping with my fist pumped in the air, yelling out "YEAH!" then freeze frame while the credits start rolling.