A Tree of Life: June 2008

For the last two years now I have played a scene over and over in my head. In it, Marcos is telling me that he misses me, he loves me, he made a big mistake, and wants to try to work things out. And in my head, I, of course, take him back immediately and then we live happily ever after. I have been waiting this whole time to hear him say those words that I thought would make everything in my life fall back into place.

Since getting engaged, I still wonder what I would do if Marcos wanted me back. Some days, I felt that I would give up everything to have my family whole again. Other days, I feel like my family is whole now and I wouldn't destroy it for anything. Then there are days I don't care about having a family at all. But those are usually the days I come home from a stressful day at work to find the house a complete wreck, sopping towels all over the house, and half of Xander's mohawk cut off. But I still play that scene over in my head. It's a little bit different now, but has the same basic concept. For the most part, I just felt that I still loved Marcos and I had made a mistake by letting him go.

To update you on some recent events, Marcos still has the same girlfriend and now she is pregnant. It was kind of weird for me to find that out. And we have been going to court to get the child support figured out because he hasn't paid in a while. Our first court hearing, he didn't show up. Our second hearing was scheduled for last Thursday (June 26) which he did show up. Everything was fine, we didn't argue or anything. In fact, we sat with each other in waiting room and talked normally.

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As a side story though, the elevator was broken in the court house. I looked around for another set of elevators but I was already late so I didn't look too hard. I decided that I would just take the stairs. That's normally fine but the hearing was on the FIFTH FLOOR!!!! Oh my goodness!! That's actually 10 flights of stairs! What the heck was I thinking?! I had to stop and catch my breath on the 3rd floor. And then I stopped when I got to the fifth floor so I could calm down before going into the waiting room. I still wasn't breathing normal when I opened the door but I seriously needed to sit down. My legs felt like they were about to give out. And I didn't think I would look too cool layed out in the courthouse stairwell. So I try my best not to look like I just climbed 10 flights of stairs but it just didn't come through as well as I hoped. Mostly because the sweat dripping my face and the way I was breathing like I had emphysema. I managed to make it over to the table to sign in and then literally dropped into the seat next Marcos.

He said, "Did you just walk up all those stairs?"
Me: "Uh, yes. The dang elevator was broken."
Him: "You know, there's another elevator right over there." and he points over to some other elevators. And, as if the universe wants to help him prove his point, the elevator dings and opens up with car full of people.

Whatever.

It didn't help my pride that some of the other people sitting around us were laughing and saying, "She seriously just walked up all those stairs." At least they could keep it to a whisper or something.

Anyway, that's not the point here. On with the story!
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So we go down the elevator together and he walks me out. He says he doesn't have to go back to work and if I wanted to go get something to eat. I was kind of nervous about it but I thought it would be nice. So we met up at IHOP. We ate breakfast and talked about stuff. He told me about his girlfriend's pregnancy and how he isn't happy about it at all. This will be his fourth child from 3 different women. I told him about the wedding. It was kind of surreal in a way to talk about that with him. He walked me back out to my car and we hugged, but I didn't feel like I wanted it to last longer.

As I am driving down the road back to Clyde, I get a text message from Marcos. He said thanks for breakfast and for the hug. I sent him back a message saying that I am praying for him and I really hope that he finds his happiness.

Him: I hope I find that too. I wish I could have been the person you wanted.
Me: You were. Things just got really screwed up somewhere. I just got trapped into thinking that our relationship had to look & be a certain way.
Him: Why can't I let you go?

(Whoa. What?)

Me: What do you mean? I thought you had.
Him: I thought I did too. I think about you a lot and I still miss you. I still love you.
Me: I still love you too. But you have a baby on the way. That's major. I'm getting married.
Him: I never wanted to leave. Do you think there's a chance to try this out?

I just told him that we would talk about it later. But I have been avoiding him since then. I don't know what to say to him. I really think that he was just saying those things because he's upset about his girlfriend being pregnant and since he has never really dealt with problems responsibly, he's trying to run away and go to somewhere that's safe.

But here's the thing, I don't want him back. I didn't feel elated when he said those things. I didn't feel at all like I thought I would for so long. It wasn't a struggle for me to decide between him and Tony. I knew I wouldn't leave Tony for Marcos. That revelation is so amazing to me! This answered so many of my questions.