A Question Answered

For the last two years now I have played a scene over and over in my head. In it, Marcos is telling me that he misses me, he loves me, he made a big mistake, and wants to try to work things out. And in my head, I, of course, take him back immediately and then we live happily ever after. I have been waiting this whole time to hear him say those words that I thought would make everything in my life fall back into place.

Since getting engaged, I still wonder what I would do if Marcos wanted me back. Some days, I felt that I would give up everything to have my family whole again. Other days, I feel like my family is whole now and I wouldn't destroy it for anything. Then there are days I don't care about having a family at all. But those are usually the days I come home from a stressful day at work to find the house a complete wreck, sopping towels all over the house, and half of Xander's mohawk cut off. But I still play that scene over in my head. It's a little bit different now, but has the same basic concept. For the most part, I just felt that I still loved Marcos and I had made a mistake by letting him go.

To update you on some recent events, Marcos still has the same girlfriend and now she is pregnant. It was kind of weird for me to find that out. And we have been going to court to get the child support figured out because he hasn't paid in a while. Our first court hearing, he didn't show up. Our second hearing was scheduled for last Thursday (June 26) which he did show up. Everything was fine, we didn't argue or anything. In fact, we sat with each other in waiting room and talked normally.

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As a side story though, the elevator was broken in the court house. I looked around for another set of elevators but I was already late so I didn't look too hard. I decided that I would just take the stairs. That's normally fine but the hearing was on the FIFTH FLOOR!!!! Oh my goodness!! That's actually 10 flights of stairs! What the heck was I thinking?! I had to stop and catch my breath on the 3rd floor. And then I stopped when I got to the fifth floor so I could calm down before going into the waiting room. I still wasn't breathing normal when I opened the door but I seriously needed to sit down. My legs felt like they were about to give out. And I didn't think I would look too cool layed out in the courthouse stairwell. So I try my best not to look like I just climbed 10 flights of stairs but it just didn't come through as well as I hoped. Mostly because the sweat dripping my face and the way I was breathing like I had emphysema. I managed to make it over to the table to sign in and then literally dropped into the seat next Marcos.

He said, "Did you just walk up all those stairs?"
Me: "Uh, yes. The dang elevator was broken."
Him: "You know, there's another elevator right over there." and he points over to some other elevators. And, as if the universe wants to help him prove his point, the elevator dings and opens up with car full of people.

Whatever.

It didn't help my pride that some of the other people sitting around us were laughing and saying, "She seriously just walked up all those stairs." At least they could keep it to a whisper or something.

Anyway, that's not the point here. On with the story!
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So we go down the elevator together and he walks me out. He says he doesn't have to go back to work and if I wanted to go get something to eat. I was kind of nervous about it but I thought it would be nice. So we met up at IHOP. We ate breakfast and talked about stuff. He told me about his girlfriend's pregnancy and how he isn't happy about it at all. This will be his fourth child from 3 different women. I told him about the wedding. It was kind of surreal in a way to talk about that with him. He walked me back out to my car and we hugged, but I didn't feel like I wanted it to last longer.

As I am driving down the road back to Clyde, I get a text message from Marcos. He said thanks for breakfast and for the hug. I sent him back a message saying that I am praying for him and I really hope that he finds his happiness.

Him: I hope I find that too. I wish I could have been the person you wanted.
Me: You were. Things just got really screwed up somewhere. I just got trapped into thinking that our relationship had to look & be a certain way.
Him: Why can't I let you go?

(Whoa. What?)

Me: What do you mean? I thought you had.
Him: I thought I did too. I think about you a lot and I still miss you. I still love you.
Me: I still love you too. But you have a baby on the way. That's major. I'm getting married.
Him: I never wanted to leave. Do you think there's a chance to try this out?

I just told him that we would talk about it later. But I have been avoiding him since then. I don't know what to say to him. I really think that he was just saying those things because he's upset about his girlfriend being pregnant and since he has never really dealt with problems responsibly, he's trying to run away and go to somewhere that's safe.

But here's the thing, I don't want him back. I didn't feel elated when he said those things. I didn't feel at all like I thought I would for so long. It wasn't a struggle for me to decide between him and Tony. I knew I wouldn't leave Tony for Marcos. That revelation is so amazing to me! This answered so many of my questions.

Wedding Decisions

So, I'm pretty sure that everyone has figured out that I am betrothed from last post (yes, i know from almost a month ago). Anyway, Erica has so graciously agreed to help me plan this shindig. So far we have come up with some really good stuff. Here's what we got so far:

The Cake


The Place

The Bouquet
The Dress

Guess What!!

I had the most amazing Mother's Day ever! Let me tell you why.

This man

Asked me

to marry him!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO FLIPPING AWESOME!!!!

Real French Bread = Broken Tooth

So, everyone knows Joel Trueblood and his awesome food. And how he prides himself on having the most "authentic" food also.

At LifeGroup, Joel had made some kind of tasty pasta, salad, and "real french bread". As I was plating up some delish food, I heard Tim P. say, "This bread is really hard! I'm gonna break a tooth."

Joel pretty much told him to suck it up. It's real french bread. Thats the way it's supposed to be.

Not even 10 minutes later while I am munching on my own real french bread, I feel something weird in my mouth as I am biting down. I feel around, and sure enough I broke my tooth on the real french bread!! Can you believe it!

Someone has got to stop Joel's madness!!! The brutality of real french bread has to stop somewhere and I say it is here with my mouth!! I am currently in the preparatory stages of a civil suit of Chavez vs. Trueblood.

Okay, okay, just kidding. And to Joel's defense, the particular tooth that broke was already messed up from a previous root canal gone bad. I don't think I will post any pictures though. Not everybody is man enough to handle this kind of carnage.

*This post in no way reflects badly on Trish. Only her husband who has it out for me and my teeth.

Rhymes with Shmiarrhea

That's right, diarrhea. Xander has been hit hard with diarrhea. Last night or really this morning, at 4 am he woke up running to the bathroom. Thankfully, he made it but it was still a little messy. I cleaned him up and noticed he had a fever. And because I am a genius, I keep my thermometer at work so I didn't get a measurement on it. I just know he was HOT. So, I slapped some Tylenol down his throat and we went back to sleep. Well, while we were getting dressed for school this morning he "went" no less than 4 times. I made the executive decision to keep him home for the day. Which turned out to be good because he has been in the bathroom at least twice an hour all day. I feel so bad for the little guy. All that poopin' has pooped him out.!! He seems on the mend though. Don't worry, I've been stuffin him full of electrolytes and such.

Anyway, this recent bout of diarrhea reminds me of another time that Xander had diarrhea that was a lot more messy a few weeks ago. It was horrible. It was the stuff blogs are written about. (hee hee)

Xander had already gone home that day after getting off the bus. As I was pulling into the driveway after work, I knew something was up because he came out to meet me before I could get into the house. He put his hands up to me in a stopping motion and said, "Okay, Momma, there really emergency." in his cute little boy voice.

I said, "Oh yeah?"

"I eat too much chips and I really go poop."

"Yeah...?"

So, I walked in the house and the smell hit me like a brick wall of nastiness. There was a trail of diarrhea from the living room all the way to bathroom. And next to the bathroom, there was diarrhea running down the wall. I still can't figure out how it got there since it started at a place that is much higher than his bottom. I don't know. Some things are better left unknown.

I could also see that he had tried cleaning up. There were about 6 still unfolded clean towels over the larger piles of messiness. That really touched me. Not very many six-year-olds will clean up their own watery poop, much less full grown men.

I could tell that he was worried that I was going to be mad because of the mess. How in the world could I get upset over this??? I just told Xander that everything was fine and I would clean it up and put him in the shower.

While I was stripping his clothes off, he told me, "You're the best momma."

I wish I could have had a recorder or something with me right then. I know I am going to need that when he is convinced I am trying to ruin his life when he's a teenager.

NKOTB

Okay, for all you non-hardcore NKOTB fans (as if they actually exist), that means New Kids On The Block. Get it straight and remember it. I will refer to them as NKOTB from here on out.

Anyway. My favorite boy band of ALL TIME is having a reunion tour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine me squealing like a 12-year-old little girl and jumping up & down!!! Oh my GOSH!!! Can you believe it!!!

All we can do is just stand in agreeance in prayer they will come somewhere close to abilene. Heck, it doesnt have to be that close either, it just has to be in Texas, maybe even Oklahoma. I should probably call Kathy Hawk to pray about this.

Okay, I gotta go. I have a lot of work to do. I have to go find all my NKOTB paraphenelia.

Hang Tough guys!

Some Fun Stuff

So, after my last totally serious post, I wanted to bring some light-heartedness back in the hiz-ouse!

These are my AWESOME tattoos. Go ahead, be jealous. I'll wait.

This is Eric. The coolest guy EVER. See? His gang signs proves it.

My baby nephew Mason. He already looks so serious!



Xander shaking his cute little booty. Why? Because he can. That's how he rolls baby!



Kalista and Tyler, Tony's nephew hanging out. (yes, I know they're on a bed AND he's touching my baby. Don't worry, they were very closely supervised.)



This is the Pastor praying with my Mom & Step-mom at their wedding.

The Low Down

Hey Everybody!!

Are you ready for some dirt? Good. You're about to get an eye full. So I am finally ready to talk about what's going with me.

First, the cancer thing. I got the results back from the doctor on Monday, Feb. 25th. Up until the very moment the nurse spoke, I fully believed that God had healed me and everyone was going to be amazed and I would have another testimony, and blah blah blah. Well, as you probably have already guessed, that is not what happened. The nurse told me that my pap smear showed I had cancerous cells growing in my cervix and they progressed since my previous pap a year before. I didn't start crying until I got off the phone. My friend Eric was sitting next to me and he just hugged me for a minute while I was crying uncontrollably. Here's the thing. I wasn't upset about the actual cancer. I was upset because I felt betrayed and abandoned and un-protected by God. I felt like He totally shafted me. Truthfully, I was a little pissed at Him too.

Well, the doctor had already set up an appointment for me to get the culposcopy and the cryosurgery for that Thursday. It was all just happening so fast. It was like this whole thing was set into motion and I was just riding along.

The next day, Tuesday, I woke up with the Flu, exactly one week after Xander was diagnosed. That totally sucked. Although, if I could endorse anything, it would be Tamiflu. That stuff is AWESOME! I stayed home from work for two days, then went in Thursday morning to get a few things done. Staying home that week made me realize how much of myself I put into my work. I was literally dreaming of being in the office and getting things done. I was constantly calling Eric to make sure he was doing things right. I even had a nightmare that he put the wrongs dates on the calendar for the newsletter. Kind of creepy.

My appointment was for that afternoon. I was really nervous and I was still feeling yucky from the flu. My doctor was really great about everything. He was efficient and gentle. I give him two thumbs up. He told me that "it was minor and easy to take care of." He was able find all the bad spots and remove them. It was very localized. I have a follow-up appointment in May to see how my tissue has healed and see if anything new has popped up. I just stayed home and healed up that weekend.

That's good news, right? So, why was I still feeling like everything was so bad? I would mentally slap myself and tell myself to get a grip. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was just falling deeper and deeper into this pit of depression. I hated myself. I hated waking up. I hated breathing. I was so mad about everything. I was scared of everything too. I stopped talking to people. I didn't want to be around anyone. Having normal conversations grated against me. I was holding all this ugliness inside me. I wasn't having suicidal thoughts, but the very idea of living the rest of my life made me feel so tired and filled with despair. I became overwhelmed when thinking of making the smallest decisions. My emotions were just a big pile of mess. I was really, really trying to get everything under control but it just wasn't happening.

The person I was taking all my pain out on was Tony. I talked to him very ugly, telling him things that on purpose to be just mean. When we spent time together, I argued and picked fights with him constantly. Now, Tony is a very un-drama person. He probably has the highest level of Serotonin of anybody I have ever met. Things just don't faze him very much. So it frustrated me to no end when he would tell me "Things will be allright. Don't worry about it." I just felt like punching him. He wasn't saying that to be flippant or nonchalant about my situation, he just truly doesn't let things get to him. Well, I was doing my best to get to him. Tony just isn't used to dealing with the kind of junk I throwing at him. I was pushing him away but I was blaming it all on him and finding fault with everything he said or did. I realize now that I wanted someone else to hurt just as much I was. So, three weeks ago we were barely talking to each other. He said he wasn't going to be able to come visit me the coming up weekend because his band had a gig and he wanted to go to the SxSW festival thing in Austin. I was mad and was pretty much a bitch to him that whole week. I didn't talk to him very much until Sunday night when he had gotten back. That morning at church, for some reason (most likely the reason was God) I started to see my actions and how I was treating Tony. I became so filled with shame and guilt. I prayed that he would forgive me and I prayed that God would help me come out of what I was going through. I cried out to Him to help me keep my emotions under control. I stepped out and asked to be prayed for. I finally mentally slapped my ridiculous self straight. I didn't feel like everything was instantly better, but I felt determined to work at getting better. I made the decision not to give up and not to give in.

When I talked to Tony that night, I was trying to explain to him everything I had finally realized. He was kind of quiet during the whole conversation and didn't really say anything in agreeance. I just really wanted to believe that I could fix what I had broken. Sometimes, things just don't work that way.

The next day, Monday, Tony called me after he got off of work. We were talking about nothing in particular but I noticed that he wasn't talking like usual and he sounded down. So, I just asked him what was wrong. He said, "I really don't think we're going to make it. And I want to move to Austin in a year for my band. And I'm tired of always making you upset. This is just too hard."

Damn. So we talked about that for like an hour. I don't know why I asked, but I did. I asked him if he had cheated on me while he was in Austin. Yeah, he did. Isn't that crazy? Just when I was really feeling like I could overcome this battle, something else comes to knock me down. I was so angry. Angry with myself, with Tony, with God, with the devil, with the whole world. The next several days were really really hard to get through. I felt so dumb for believing in this thing that came to hurt me so deeply. We talked until like 2 am that night and the same for the rest of the week. That weekend was Easter weekend and we had already made plans for his family to come to church and for us to do all this stuff together. We decided to go ahead and do that and talk more about what we wanted to do about our relationship that weekend. That weekend ended up being very healing for the both of us. I just layed it all out there. He did the same.

Here's the thing, what he did was not okay, but what I had been doing was not okay either. The way I was treating him was just as much damaging to our relationship as what he did. Everything had just gotten so far away from where it started and where it was supposed to go. I have decided to forgive him. I don't mean pretend forgive either. That means I can't bring it up when we fight, or to make him feel guilty, or to get what I want. But it doesn't mean that he doesn't have to do things to earn my trust again, or we can't talk about it, or that I have to act like it didn't happen. It also means that I have to do things. I can't just immediately shut down or lashing out when bad things start happening. Pretty much, I have to act like a human being. That's really hard.

Things are still tender right now. And I don't know where things are going or how they're going to end up. I just know that God is good, I'm not giving up, and I have a good life to live.

hey.

things aren't cool for me right now. don't ask me about it unless you're prepared for me to break down in front of you.

oh, and for the girls who come to the thursday lunches, we're going to have to postpone them for a while. well, y'all can of course still meet, i just wont be able to host them or attend.

(insert bad word here)

Kalista took a picture of us waiting for the Doctor.

Yesterday morning Xander woke me up crying. I went to his room and he said his head was hurting. His eyes were bloodshot and his body was really hot. I didn't have a thermometer with me so I didn't know his temperature. I gave him some Tylenol and he said he felt better. I went ahead and let him go to school (i know, i know. not a cool thing to do but I had a really important meeting at work and I was praying that he wasn't really sick). About lunch time the school nurse called me and said that Xander had a temperature of 102.8. I rushed to go pick him up & I dispensed some more Tylenol. He again started feeling better and was totally bored out of his mind here in my office. I made a dr. appointment for him at 6 last night. About 5 o'clock Xander started feeling cruddy again. At the appointment, the dr. tested him & it came back positive for the flu.

Inside my head: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it's true. Just last week I was mentally congratulating myself for my family not getting sick this whole season. Pride truly comes before the fall. Dang you irony!!! Last night was no fun. Xander couldn't keep anything down, especially his medicine.

I'm looking at Kalista like she is a ticking flu bomb just waiting to go off. I have been praying for protection against sickness for Kalista and me.

Here is Kalista not being sick at the Doctor's office.

Please just pray for us. I don't have anyone to help me with them if I get sick. Plus Xander's birthday & party are this Saturday.

Excuse Me?

This is a true conversation that took place in my office at 1:29 p.m. today between myself and a woman who will remain nameless:

Nameless: Hey, Jennifer! I just came by to see how you're doing.
Jennifer: Oh, I'm doing good. How about you?
Nameless: What have the doctors said?
Jennifer: Doctors? About what?
Nameless: Well, I heard about you getting tests on your privates.
Jennifer: I..It's..uh,...That's a nice necklace. Where'd you get it from?
Nameless: Blah,Blah, Blah about necklace.

Okay, why the heck do people think it's okay to say stuff like that to me??? This is exactly the kind of conversation I was trying to avoid!!! Who does that any way? Who asks about another person's "privates"? This kind of stuff only happens to me.

Drum Roll Please

So, I went to the Dr's appointment last Thursday. He didn't give me any news either way. He did seem positive about everything though. And plus no monster came out & jumped at him or anything while he was down there (which, in my book, is always good). He said he would call me when he gets the results from that Pap Smear which should be in about 10 days. What the heck?? This is the 2000's! Isn't there some kind of instant Cancer test? I mean, there are home drug tests! C'mon!! Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna wait til then.

And not to turn this blog into a Lifetime movie or anything, but I really wanted to tell everyone thanks so much for being so supportive through this thing. I don't really like to talk about it in person and I cover up a lot of my worry with "I'm fine" & "It's going good" so I know it's been kinda hard for people to know how I'm really feeling. So, just thanks for the prayers & encouragement & comforting words.

Okay, Dr. Phil hour is over.

the great I AM

I saw this story on the Air1 website. It's so good.

http://www.tribune-democrat.com/statenews/cnhinsall_story_025081635.html

Let the Disappointment Ensue

So, just to let everyone know I withdrew from school. I wasn't able to handle everything that has been going on. The only area in my life that I could cut back on right now is school. I have a dr. appointment this Thursday, Feb. 14th to do a repeat Pap Smear. I plan on returning to school as soon as all this is under control.

This was a really hard decision for me. I hope everyone understands why I did it.

God is going to take care of this. He has to.

My Busy LIfe

Oh my goodness! I have been so ridiculously busy lately! For a while, I felt like I was lacking in all the areas of my life. But now they are all overflowing.

I started college earlier this month. It has been so much harder than I expected. I have still been putting in 40 hours every week at work and taking 7 hours at school. I have class on Mondays & Wednesdays 9a-12p and Tuesdays 6:30p -9:30p. Those Tuesday nights and Wednesday morning are getting rough. I have another biology class online which is totally kicking my butt. I'm not really good at understanding things that I can't get my hands on. It all seems so conceptual and not concrete.

God has been working on my heart lately in a few different areas. I feel like dough that is being kneaded right now, being prepared to become what I was meant to do. I find myself just staring off and being in awe of what God is putting in works.

I went to the doctor last week. He gave me the results of my last pap smear. They weren't good. I guess I might have cervical cancer. I haven't really told anyone about what's been going on. I am still contemplating what this means and what it means for my future. Because of the cost of the procedures I need done (culposcopy and biopsy), I am waiting on one of the agencies in Abilene to see if they can help with that. Then I'll see what the next thing after that is. When I found out about all this, it really broke my spirit/heart/faith. God has healed me of this very thing before. I felt betrayed for some reason. I remember hearing Bryan talk about people who were healed but then get the same illness 6 months later because they had not changed their hearts or life or whatever. I began to doubt myself and to doubt God. I began to doubt anything I thought I had received before or had thought I heard from God. I doubted my being healed of depression. I started having panic attacks and having feelings of despair like I used to. I doubted my dream of becoming a pharmacist. I thought that maybe I had just made everything up. I was just disheartened. Hearing the doctor tell me about my report, I didn't get scared or upset about the cancer itself. I was more upset about what me having cancer meant. What it meant for me, for my faith, for my kids, for my hopes. I felt very chaotic and unstable.

I feel better about things now though. I talked to Trish (shout out to my homie) about everything and she really gave me some good insight (as usual). She really helped me realize that this doesn't have to be my truth, these are just circumstances I am in right now. God healed me before and He can do it again. That's what I am praying for.

The other night when I was feeling really unsure about everything, I looked in the Bible for comfort. I wanted to look up "renew" but I didn't think that would be in there so I looked up "beginning" instead. I found a couple of scriptures but they didn't really ease the hurt I was feeling. I was sitting there having an inner monologue and staring blankly at the pages of my open Bible. Then the word "renew" came into focus. This is what it said (y'all probably already know it):

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits-

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--Psalm 103:1-5

I haven't felt desperate or had any panic attacks since I read that. I've been reading it and claiming it everyday. It's coming.

i let go

A Little Note: I actually posted this a couple of weeks ago. I took it off because sometimes I feel like people only want to see the funny, quirky side of me. But I don't always have a funny story to tell. So, if you don't really want to read a serious post from me, just skip this over. Thanks.

My happiness is causing someone else pain. I try not to think about it. I was in a relationship for 3 years (off & on) that ended in the beginning of November. I loved him. He loved me. It didn't work though. It never worked. I wanted so damn much that he couldn't give me & I had nothing to give him. Our relationship had this thing weighing on it from the beginning. It started out in sin. But even when I was out of that, things didn't get better. It was so hard to be together. We screamed, yelled, called bad names, threw things, cried out, begged. Even now, in this new beginning, I can feel an aching in my heart for something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself thinking of him, wanting to call & saying the one thing to hear him laugh, stopping my mouth from forming the word of his name, struggling with the thoughts in my mind. I feel certain I had to end it. He was part of who I used to be and didn't want to be anymore. He knew everything about me. He knew my past. He was there when I was dirty. He held me while I cried for another. He waited for me.

I let go. I hurt him. I'm sorry.

My So-Called Life

So, hey, everybody. What's up!

Sorry about taking another leave of absence but this life of mine has been keeping me busy. The holidays were great. I spent most of them with my boyfriend (insert girly giggle here). New Year's Day, the kids & I went to San Angelo. We spent the day playing in the park and making good memories. I was so flippin tired by the time I had to drive the 95 miles home. Thank goodness God loves me and made sure I stayed awake.

So, anyway, let's talk about what is on my heart. I mean, hey, you came to my blog for a reason right? I am in a full-blown relationship. It's really weird to me. Well, first let me tell you how it all began.

I first met Tony (that's his name, not just some random person) when we were in High School in Sweetwater. He was in a grade below me and I didn't pay much attention to him. We talked once. I didn't know it at the time, but we graduated together because Tony is super smart and graduated early. I didn't know all this until he told me, so it could all be a lie for all I know. Just kidding. He doesn't lie. I like that. Anyway! I digress... I tend to do that when I am talking about Tony. Don’t tell him I said that!

A year or so after graduation (1999) we worked at the same Texaco in Sweetwater. I was a little bit engaged at the time; but then got un-engaged after a few things came to light. Unfortunately, I was in total Rebound mode and picked Tony as the first guy to date. We dated for a couple of months but I seemed unable to stop sleeping around. After one particularly messy & law breaking incident, we finally decided to call it quits.

I met Marcos a few weeks later and promptly got myself knocked up with Kalista. When Kalista was about 6 months old, I left Marcos and moved to Abilene. Somehow, (I don’t remember) Tony & I started dating again. But, once again, I was in Rebound mode and couldn’t stop dating other people (at least I had stopped sleeping with them). About 6 weeks later, Marcos & I got back together and promptly got myself knocked up with Xander (noticing a pattern here?). Tony was always so sweet to me and I really just treated him like crap. I was so totally different back then. There were things I did that I have prayed for God to erase from my memory.

We kind of talked a little bit a few years later but never really started dating again. The last time I talked to him was four years ago in 2004.

So in November Tony sent me a message on myspace. I had forgotten all about having a page on there. He just asked me how I was doing and what kinds of things were going on in my life. We talked a little online for the next couple of weeks, but I didn’t really think anything about it. I was still trying to distance myself from another relationship that no one really knows about. Sorry, I haven’t been totally honest with y’all. Anyway, let’s move on and never keep any secrets again. Whoo! I feel so much better now that I got that out in the open.

Because we are both from Sweetwater and both our parents still live there, we were both in Sweetwater for Thanksgiving. I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. So we did at my mom’s house. Then we went driving around looking at Christmas lights for about an hour and I dropped him off at his friend’s house. We talked on the phone for that week and then we both “happened” to be in S’water again that weekend. We cruised around town and then I dropped him off at his friend’s house again. We continued talking on the phone. We stayed up talking on the phone until 1 or 2 in the morning. It was like I was in high school again. Our conversations usually ended by one of our cell phone batteries dying. I found out a lot of stuff I didn’t know and stuff I had forgotten about. Evidently, Tony remembered every single conversation we ever had. He remembered my favorite flower, my favorite color, my middle name, Kalista’s birthday & middle name, foods I didn’t like, my bad driving skills….

He just makes me feel so… so… I don’t know so something. He makes me feel unashamed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! The best part of this whole thing! We have NOT had sex!!! Most people would not understand how big of a thing this is for me. Sex to me has been like a weird addiction in the past. I hated it but couldn’t stop. This is literally the longest I have ever waited, even since my first time. I know that’s crazy to some people, but it’s this sick cycle I have. But this is how I know this is real with Tony.

My kids are totally in love with him too. Kalista loves to sit next to him and hold on to him. Xander loves to climb all over him and fights with Kalista to sit next to him. He doesn’t act weird with them or make me feel like it’s anything but natural to have them around. He comes up with stuff for us all to do together (he doesn’t have any kids and lives with two other guys with no kids).

I went back over my prayer list for what I wanted in a husband. All those things are there. Every single one. Even the color of his eyes. God is SO good.
This is my kids & Tony chillin at Little Pit. Hopefully, I can get a picture of us together one day.

I Think It's Real

I found someone. Someone who makes me feel beautiful. Someone who makes me forget my insecurities. Someone whose voice calms me. Someone whose touch cools my fevered thoughts.

New Things

There have been a few new things in my life this week. I don't want to say them all because certain people read this certain blog, but I will talk about two of them.

#1 Xander got his glasses finally! He looks so adorable! I really had no idea that his vision was so bad until he started telling me what he could see when he put them on. Every morning he would look for his shoes in the shoe closet. He would almost always tell me he couldn't find them. Then I would go stand right by him and they were right in front of him and I would get upset with him for "not looking right." I feel so bad now! He really couldn't see them! When he put them on for the first time, he looked around and said: Momma! I can see! Hey, you have star earrings Momma. Glasses are so awesome. For the past couple of days, Kalista has been trying to convince me that she needs glasses too. It's funny the stories she comes up with to convince me.

Here's one of them:
Kalista: Mom, something is wrong with me
Me: Really? Like what?
Kalista: Sometimes, I can see stuff but then all the sudden it goes away. I think I need glasses.
Me: (a pointed stare)
Kalista: What? I'm just saying there's something wrong with me.

Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

#2 I got my nose pierced!!! Yay for me! I went to the same establishment and guy as Brandi. Read here for her tale. I've had my tongue pierced 4 times and my eyebrow once. My nose hurt more than both of those. But I would have to say a lot less than my tattoos. It was super easy, super fast, and super cool. The only time the guy actually talked to me though was when he told me the aftercare instructions like he was the legal guy on the commercials (you know, at the end when they have to talk really fast to state all the legal stuff) and to ask for the money. I did give him a tip to try to improve his mood. He did give me a smile after that. I was nervous about going to work and if they would say anything. So far, not one person at my job has even noticed. So, if you see me, feel free to notice. But don't say anything rude. I'm not into that.

Because I Like Pictures

Because I like pictures, I am going to put some more up. Sorry if you're allergic to pictures with incredibly cool people in them.

Herer's Anoe and Xander actually getting along and being sweet to each other. They look gangsta.

Hopefully they will stay this sweet throughout their teenage years.

Kalista wrote this on her hand and then took a picture of it. I found it when I was uploading pictures from my camera to my computer. It summarizes the whole being of Kalista.

I can't help it! I love any picture with Xander rockin' the Mohawk. It looks so good on him!

Kalista & Xander with their dad. (for those of you wondering what he looks like)

And I absolutely love any picture with Kalista with no teef (yes, teef)

Xander closes it out by rockin out in the Ladies' Truckstop Restroom. Only he could pull it off.

The Answer

So, many of you might wonder why I am the way I am. Here is the reason:

For Thanksgiving, my Mom decided to dress up. Now, usually people do this on Halloween. But not my Mother. She, obviously, likes to march to the beat of a totally different drummer. (Probably a drummer that is having acid flashbacks from the 70's)

P.S. Yes, that is a wig. Although, I have to say the wig looks better than some of her hairstyles. My Mother is a firm believer in "Bigger is Better". It can get a little scary sometimes...

Waiting

I feel strange. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. I keep trying to rush through each thing I do to try to get to whatever I am waiting for. I keep checking the time on the clock, but I don't have a time I need it to be. My stomach is all in tingles and I feel excited, but then I get confused because I don't have anything to be this excited about. It kinda feels like I have a song in me but I don't know the tune or the words.

On another topic, my family has been shown a bunch of favor last week. For the month of November, both Kalista AND Xander were chosen to be Student of the Month for their classes!!! Yay for my babies! I feel like such a good Mom for once. So awesome. And then, I won the Mystery Person thing in the Clyde Newspaper. My picture will be in the paper tomorrow (Wednesday) so everyone go out and buy a Clyde Journal, cut out my picture, and hang it on your refridgerators. I will be making surprise/random visits of homes to make sure this is done.
This is the photo that will be in the paper. It's actually a good one so don't miss it!

My Version of "Growing Up"

I've been hearing some of my friends talking about their kids growing up and the signs of it happening, which in turn made me think of my children.

Kalista has always been a little "mature" for her age. I don't mean like, sexually, but more bossy and motherly. I am constantly having to remind her that I am the mother, not her. Or not to try to be Xander's mom. I loved it when she was 5 and she would bend over with her hands on her knees so she could get down on Xander's "level" and talk sweet to him.

But, now I have been noticing more changes in Kalista that are subtle reminders that she is growing up. Like, now she uses regular shampoo and conditioner, instead of the tear-free stuff. She brushes her own hair and puts it up in a ponytail. She accessorizes. There isn't a day that she goes to school without a bracelet, necklace, or earrings. She buckles her seatbelt without being asked. Actually she's the one who reminds Xander to buckle up. When Anoe hurt her ear the other day, she held Anoe's hand and rubbed her back. She will tell me if I have little bit too much cleavage going on. She's got my back like that.

I usually think of myself as a mother of small children. But, now, that's not so true anymore. My daughter is 7! My son will be 6 in two months!

At least I can depend on Xander not growing up too soon. Whenever I say he's a big boy, he gets mad and insists he is still a baby. Or a puppy. Depends on his mood.

Found, Found, Found!!!!!

I found my keys!! When it happened, music started playing in hte background and I started running in slow motion towards them. Then I picked them up and twirled slowly in circles and gave them kisses all over. Then I remembered that I found them in the deep crevices of my couch and ran to the bathroom to sterilize my lips.

I don't know if anyone really prayed for me, but I am VERY appreciatve of anyone who did.

Oh, and thank you God.

Needs to be Found

I lost my set of the Church keys. I have keys for every door in the church and the sole key for post office box. I don't even know where or when I lost them. I locked up the doors on Friday and on Sunday I couldn't find them. I've been retracing my steps like crazy. I really need to find them. Please say a quick, small prayer that God will reveal their location to me. Please.

Yes, I Know

Yes, I know that the pictures below are really small. They're from a camera phone so don't expect too much. If anyone would like to buy me batteries for my REAL camera, feel free. Double-A, rechargeable. Until then, no complaints.

A Nice Day Out

I hardly ever put up any pictures so I wanted to share some with y'all. I took the kids out walking around downtown Sunday and we had loads of fun. Oh, I am in love with Jim Halpert and I don't care who knows!





Alexis, Kalista, Xander, and me acting silly. Or we could be on our way to a rock concert. You never know.



These are the spider monkeys attacking a lamppost in downtown Abilene. They're dangerous!



And here we have a picture of me taking a picture of something else. It was probably the spidermonkeys.






This is me Hardcore and me Sweet.




This is me pretending that Porsche is actually my sweet new ride. (can anyone say OLD SCHOOL)





And, last, a shot from the best show EVER!! (the Office)

Perspective

So, in this life, I have learned it's all about perspective. Things are as bad as you make them. At least that's how I feel. Oh, and Denial is a force to be reckoned with.

Anyway, I got a letter in the mail from the school nurse for "The Parents of Xander Aguilar" I was thinking, "Oh no." The letter said that Xander had failed his vision exam twice so he it was recommended that he be taken to an Optometrist. For some reason, it made me excited. I think kids wearing glasses are the cutest things ever! I wasn't bothered by the money I would probably have to spend on the glasses. I knew that it would be taken care of (God is good like that). So, I'm really excited about it. And since I was excited about it, it got Kalista excited, then Xander got excited also! Kalista is now jealous that she can't have any glasses.

I called to make an appointment for him this morning and they said they had an opening at 3pm. I was like, "Oh, it's on!" I picked him up early from school and rushed over to Abilene. At the office though, I found out that I brought the wrong Medicaid card. But, the receptionist lady was really sweet and said I could fax it in to them later. I said a prayer of thanks to Jesus! Xander had so much fun getting his eyes looked at, shined on, blowed on, and looking at weird shapes. When it came time to picking out the frames, he was not indecisive at all. I guess that's the man in him. He picked the first ones he tried on. Actually, when we first got there he picked out some baby blue plastic frames that were totally tacky. I shot that down real quick. I was not gonna have him pull a Paige Hafner on me. So he ended up picking out some thin-wire framed glasses that are bendy and can be twisted all ways without breaking. They will be ready in 6-10 days. I am so excited!!

Update on the Update

Sorry guys for not posting the update. I guess my feelings/pride/whatever were kind of hurt so I haven't really wanted to talk about it all.

Anyway, so the thing I was praying isn't going to happen. In fact, it's going a little bit in the opposite direction. My plans are still on to go to college though...

I could use some prayer for financial blessing though. But who doesn't, right? Hopefully, I will be getting some insight soon about the direction my life is going to be taking. Or maybe the heater will start working in my office. Who knows the mysteries of the universe.

Up to the Date

I haven't gotten any word yet. It looks like I am going to have to wait until after the Thanksgiving Holiday. I am still going to keep praying that this turns out to be the blessing I need it so desperately to be. I will clear everything up when I find out for sure what's going to happen. I just don't want to get things out there that might not be true or not happen.

Sorry to be so mysterious. (i kinda feel like daphne from scooby-doo--daphne because she's the hot one).

Favor

There is going to be a MAJOR decision made tonight concerning my work. Please please please pray for favor (towards me) in this decision. It has the potential to greatly bless my family.

p.s. Sorry my last post was depressing. These hormones really are killing me!!

No Good Title

Sometimes, I feel something weighing me down. I just feel so heavy. In the mornings, it takes all my powers of persuasion and denial to get myself out of bed. Sometimes, I lay there and pray.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why am I not satisfied with the way my life is? It is certainly better than it was and also better than millions of other people in the world. Why can't I feel complete with what God has given me? Why can't I just feel complete?

A Call For Help

Okay, this is a call for help. I really need to find someone who gets the NBC channel and likes to watch Heroes on Monday nights and The Office on Wednesday nights. I dont get that channel at all and I love love love both shows but I haven't been able to watch it this season. I am desperate!! I've tried watching the show online but my internet connection is so weak, the video is really choppy and lags big time!

So, please someone with cable, satellite or whatever please have pity on me and let me spend an hour with you in your home. I will even bring over snacks!!

Loss

The church I work at is in serious need of prayer. There has been much turmoil, sadness, and hurt feelings lately. The Youth director handed in his resignation yesterday, the Pastor also gave notice of his leaving the church, and then early this morning the Pastor's mother died. Other things have been going on that have really been tearing this church apart. People have gotten hurt over a decision that was made recently. This church has split once already because of a similar situation. I don't think it can take another one. Although, I am not "officially" a member of this church, I still feel like I am a part of it. I love all these people. So many of them have loving hearts. I have many funny, tender, prayerful, happy memories with them. I hate that they keep having to go through so much crap. The Pastor is hurting really bad right now. I'm not really sure how to comfort him. I don't think his decision is the best decision for him or the church. There have been one or two people who have already made me mad in this situation. Someone has already called the office to talk about the Pastor leaving and they were just being so calloused about it. I'm not good at handling these kinds of things. I feel like this church has a 3rd degree burn and instead of letting it heal nicely, they're picking at it constantly. I just wish I had some kind of "spiritual" salve to rub all over the walls and pews and alters and rooms and offices and even the bathrooms.

I just feel so lost and saddened about it all. I want God to come to this place and save this church.

Top 3 Most Embarrassing Things I've Said

#1. I was a Sophmore in High School and taking Child Development as an elective. We were discussing reproduction and all that fun stuff. One day I asked my teacher, "Is sterility hereditary?" She said, "What?" I repeated the question and then realized how dumb that question was. I didn't talk very much in class after that.

#2. I was in college at the time. The instructor had asked us to give back one of our assignments because of some grading issues. Jokingly, I said, "You're such an indian-giver!" Little did I know that she was actually Cherokee and was deeply offended by the term "indian-giver." I wanted to die. I didn't talk very much in class after that either.

#3. I went to W.O.W. for the first time and still didn't know very many women. I was nervous and I was trying to act like I wasn't. There was a small crowd talking so I walked over. They were talking about baby names for one of the women who were pregnant. She said she was thinking of naming her baby Selah. I thought it was beautiful. I wanted to say something to be part of the conversation and since humor usually works, I said, "Oh! You should name her Salmonella." Ha ha ha...no. I wanted to smack myself.

Top 3 Most Embarrassing Moments

#1 Circa 1986

When I was in kindergarten or first grade, my sister and I would walk to and from school everyday. Now, why we were allowed to do that I have no idea. We were living in friggin' El Paso!! The place most famous for abducting females and never seeing them again. Let's all just believe that my mother knew God was watching over us.

Anyway, I digress. I was a particularly cool individual because I had recently acquired a red pleather jacket with tons of zippers. This was back when Michael Jackson still had a nose and pre-Pepsi hair fire. So, basically he was still cool. And so was I. Amanda and I were walking home after school one day when we came across some boys we knew from school. Amanda was a lot cooler than me (even though she didn't have said numerously numbered zippered jacket) and was chatting them up. Evidently, I felt like The Jacket and I weren't getting enough attention so I started practicing my Martial Art skills on the nearby mesquite tree. As I was karate chopping and round-house kicking away, they all stopped talking and stared at me. I thought it was because they were amazed at my skills. Finally, my sister tried to put me out of my misery and yelled at me to stop acting retarded. Very solemnly, I turned around to her, put my hands together in front of my chest in a prayer-like fold, bowed ever so slightly and said, "I am sorry Master. I forget the strength of my powers." Amanda rolled her eyes and stalked off; and the boys just turned around and walked off too. I was mentally chastising myself for letting other people see my "secret" powers.

#2 Circa 1992-Sixth Grade

Still living in El Paso but I had gotten over the whole "mystical powers" thing by 6th grade. I was onto bigger and better things. I had "developed" quickly that year. I had no idea what to do with these new growths. When summer rolled around, my mom took me shopping to get a new swimsuit. It was one of those swimsuits that were two pieces but connected to each other on the side. There were all the rage in '92 El Paso. And they had it at the dollar store. My mom wanted to make sure I got one that accommodated my new body so she got one that had a little extra room up top. I wore it the first time when we all went to the water park, Wet-n-Wild. Everything was going great. I was just a swimming. I started noticing that when I would try to play around other people, they would kinda look at me weird then swim off to another place. I just thought to myself, "I must be swimming really awesome because they don't know how to act." Seriously, that's what I was thinking. Then I heard someone yelling. I just ignored it. People were usually yelling or laughing really loud or whatever. Whoever was yelling kept it up so I finally looked around to see what was going on. At this time, I was sitting in the shallow end next to a girl who I was trying to not impress too much so she wouldn't swim off like everyone else. Well, I finally located the source of the yelling. And it ended up it was a girl in a line for a ride at least a half football field away. It was weird because it seemed like she was pointing at me too. And she was doing something weird with her swimsuit top and gesturing something about putting her boob in her top. I turned to look at the girl next to me and she was just staring at my chest. I looked down and fully realized the horror. I had been flashing everyone my 12-year-old boob for at least the last 30 minutes.

#3 Circa 1993-Seventh Grade

Evidently, El Paso just brought out the worst in me. In 7th Grade, we had a Dance every 6 weeks. They were tons of fun. I never had a date (evidently too cool for that) or anything but I loved it. At one particular Dance, I was feeling very bold. I didn't usually dance very much. I mostly stuck to the punch and cookie table or sat next to a wall and envied everyone dancing. But this one time, something just got into me where I REALLY wanted to dance. So I was out there giving it my all. I did this thing with my feet spread wide apart, hands on my knees, moving my head rapidly in circular motion and kind of doing a MC Hammer thing at the same time. During this whole debacle, I had several friends come up to me and gently tell me to calm down or to just stop. I totally thought they were joking so I revved up my efforts. About that time, a teacher came over to me. At first she had a hard time getting my attention what with my quasi-head banging move (no, it wasn't even Metallica playing. It was Bel Biv Devoe). After smacking her a few times with my hair, she finally just stopped my head with her hand. I looked up and she guided me back over to my usual spot. She explained to me that I was taking up a large portion of the dance floor because other kids were afraid to get close to me and she thought I should just take a breather for a few songs. She had great timing too. I was feeling a little dizzy by that time. Thank goodness camera-phones were not yet invented!!

Compromise

I have come to realize that compromise has gotten me into more trouble than it's worth. I have compromised over the years on various things that I shouldn't have. Sex, relationships, school, haircuts, perms, more perms (don't even get me started!). I have just fully realized that in every area I compromised what I really wanted for something that was "easier." It was easier to just finally say "Okay" instead of "I'm waiting for my husband." It was easier to say "This is better than being alone" instead of actually standing up for myself. It was easier to make up excuses than to leave. It was easier to blame him instead of taking responsibility. It was easier to tell the hairdresser that it didn't look lopsided when I looked like Edward Scissorhands had gotten a hold of me.


I know that if I don't stop right now, I will be compromising my way into hell.

What is the DEAL!!!

I love my children. I, of course, think they are the most beautiful beings created by God. I think they're laughs sound like angels getting wings. I could live off of their kisses and hugs. Kalista can sing like no one I've ever heard and Xander can dance like no one I've ever seen.

That said, they drive me crazy!

Why, Why, Why!! Why is it that the ONLY time they both voluntarily flush the toilet is when I am taking a shower?!? They could literally go days without flushing the darn thing, then the minute I try to take a nice shower they have to pee and flush the toilet. What is the deal with that? And why do they seem physically incapable of closing a door? Is there some kind of force field between their hands and the door knob I am not aware of? Why do they have to watch t.v. with the volume cranked up to hearing impaired level? Why am I the only one in the house that can hear the water faucet left on? And, can someone please explain to me why all the windows in my car seem to have a very focused gravitational pull to dirty hands?

I just don't understand.

Spiders in my Life

I have had two dreams in the last week about spiders. I think I know what it means after discussing it some with my sister.

First dream:

In my dream, I am walking through my house. In every room there are spiders. Big, fat spiders with huge intricate webs that span several feet. There are only one or two spiders in each room. I am trying to get to a place in my house with no spiders in it so I can sit down and relax. I opened the door to my room and I saw a big spider hanging over my bed. I didn't feel terrified, I felt more of an uneasy feeling. I turned around and moved to walk down my hallway but there was a web spun wall to wall with a large spider in the middle of it. I stood there trying to think of how to get around it without it jumping on me. I wasn't deathly scared of it for some reason, I just didn't want it to touch me at all. I just didn't want to have anything to do with it. My dream ended with me trying to figure out how get past it.


Second Dream:

I am at my brother's house looking at this really sweet ride he had just gotten. It was a mustard yellow Ford Pinto that was pimped out. (is that prophetic? pintos making a comeback???) The car had suicide doors, crushed velvet interior, matching color dashboard and seat covers, and even some dubs. (for the uncool people, those are 20" rims) Anyway, the car isn't the point of the dream, it's just my favorite part. So, my brother had his new *sweet* ride parked in a carport that was connected to a trailer that he lived in (he doesn't really live in a trailer...anymore). The carport was open in the front and back and had a wall on it opposite of where the trailer was. Kind of like this one but a wall where there isn't in the picture and minus this dumb car compared to the awesome Pinto.











Okay, so I was walking over to the driver side to get a closer look when I notice there are spiders all around me. Not hundreds, or even tens of them. Just two or three in a few strategic places where I couldn't get out. At the rear of the car was a very large spider web with a large spider sitting on it hidden underneath a little covering it had spun over itself. I knew that when I walked by it, it would jump out from its covering and attack me. I knew I definitely did not want to go that way. I started to go towards the front to try to get out that way but there was a spider hanging out there as well. Now, my back is against the wall of the carport behind and my brother is standing by the door to the trailer on the other side of the car. I was yelling to him to help me. He told me to quit being such a wuss and just walk by the spiders. But I seriously didn't want to. I wasn't scared of being hurt, I just didn't want them to touch me or jump on me. Also, they were the biggest darn spiders ever. I didn't know what to do. Either way I went, I would have to go by one of those ugly spiders. That dream ended with me standing there worrying about what to do and not being able to figure out how to handle the situation.

I am pretty sure I know what the "spiders" symbolize in my life. There are some things in my life right now that I am just not wanting to deal with. I am doing everything I can to not deal with them in fact. I don't know how to fix it so I am standing here wringing my hands saying, "Oh dear. Oh dear." like a little old lady.

I Love a Rainy Night (you have to sing it)

Okay, I know that it isn't night but it is dark enough to be. As I was driving from the elementary school to work I saw the most beautiful clouds. They looked like mashed potatoes that someone had made into swirlies. I drove leisurly to the Post Office, then to Whataburger (totally addicted to their Honey Butter Chicken Buscuits), then back on to the office. Just as I was stepping up to the door, it started raining. God is so good!

Can't Talk

Can't talk. Burnt mouth horribly. Hot Coffee. Pretty sure scalded throat too. My coffee mug should come with a warning of how hot coffee could be.

Feng-Shui

I am not into Feng-Shui at all. I personally believe it's a bunch of bull-hockey. But I do believe that arranging an office in a certain way can improve efficiency, productivity, and general well-being in a person who is stuck under flourescent lighting all day.

My office decor looks like a catholic/country store garage sale threw up in it, then threw some papers, notebooks, christian supply magazines, binders over it all to try to clean up the mess, and then in the middle of it all gave up. My office is probably the most inefficient office ever. My office would be the poster-office for Before pictures in extreme makeover shows. My office would be the kid who never has matching socks, gum in hair, two-sizes too small clothes, finger up nose, and wears a Barney backpack in 5th grade. It really is a sad state. Another thing about my offic ethat irritates the heck out of me is the fact that everyone who comes in feels the innate need to leave whatever happens to be in their grubby little hands on my desk or very nearby. Do you know what this does to my need for organization??

All that to say that I have rearranged my office. It looks so beautiful now! Well, the weird religious pictures with glitter and country bunny stuff is still hanging up because evidently a cousin of a brother of a friend gave it to the church long ago which makes it sacred now. There were two desks sitting on opposite sides of the room that are now moved together to make an L-shape desk. My area is moved back farther from the entrance and closer to the wall so it is more well-defined. I moved the filing cabinets (i have four of them in here that are all different colors and sizes) to less conspicuous spots. It's a pretty sweet set up. If I can ever charge up the batteries, I'll take some pictures for everyone. Because I just know that everyone is dying to know what my office looks like. I probably should have taken some Before pictures of the whole mess. Maybe I can put everything back to the way it was... I don't think so!

Esperanza

Hope (or esperanza).

I have so much hope in me. Everyday I have a million hopes. Usually I am literally terrified of hoping because of the possibility of it never materializing. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to hope for something and not be scared. I don't want to be a beaten down, eyes always downcast, hope barren woman anymore. I want to be a confident, assured, beaming glory of God's awesome power kind of woman. I want to be the kind of woman I always stare at and wish I could be. These are my hopes; silly, serious, and everything in between.

1. I hope to be like Jesus
2. I hope my children see Jesus in me
3. I hope I feel Jesus' love everyday
4. I hope to get a pedicure one day
5. I hope to have another baby grow in my womb
6. I hope to take pictures of flowers for no reason
7. I hope to be used by God
8. I hope to know I am beautifully made
9. I hope my children will find a perfect love
10. I hope to rip out the nasty carpet in my kitchen
11. I hope to organize my desk at home
12. I hope I get Satellite TV & DVR
    
13. I hope I lose 80 lbs in one year
14. I hope my children will remember me as a loving mother and not a screaming/hateful/mean mother
15. I hope I have 50 more years with my mother
16. I hope my father knows I have forgiven him
17. I hope my heart isn't broken any more
18. I hope God doesn't give up on me
19. I hope Marcos finds God's love
20. I hope my sister will see herself as I see her in all her godly beauty
21. I hope I see Jesus
22. I hope I see Jesus heal Miles
23. I hope I get a "real" decor for my home
24. I hope to walk towards a man God picked for me and vow the rest of my life to
    
25. I hope I learn not to be disappointed in myself
26. I hope I get an MP3 player for Christmas
27. I hope someone invents fat/calorie free french fries in the next year
28. I hope that Tom Cruise sees how silly he has been acting and follows Jesus so I can start watching his movies again
29. I hope to understand the Bible more (or at all)
30. I hope I don't have to do this alone very much longer
31. I hope God puts a supernatural understanding of Science and Math in me before January
    
32. I hope my body will be completely healed of any affliction
33. I hope my mom never finds out about all the stuff I did in high school
34. I hope the tree in my front yard does not fall on top of my house or car or KIDS
35. I hope I don't have any late fines at the library
36. I hope there are more good Christian movies
37. I hope that Brad Pitt quits his silliness, leaves that old Angelina, and realizes I am his one true love...wait, I think that's bad to want to break up a family...darn it, never mind.
38. I hope God shows enormous favor on all the children of the world who are in horrific situations (i don't mean like they don't have an xbox or even having to shop at walmart).

I have plenty more hopes. They've been stored up for a while. I don't want to leave here just hoping; I want to leave knowing. I know I am a confident, assured, beaming glory of God's awesome power kind of woman. I know I am the kind of woman I always stare at and wish I could be. I KNOW I am God's beautiful creation.

What do you esperanza for?

Other New Stuff

I added some new links. A few of them are for other churches. There's one for the biography of Smith Wigglesworth. Bill Johnson talked about him in one of his sermons and I wanted to know more about him so this is what I have found. There's more out there. I highly recommend reading about this guy.

New Life

I am making a change. I am making a new life. I am changing my whole way of thinking. I will eat to live, not live to eat. Food will no longer be the love of my life.

A friend told me about this really awesome website FitDay that has everything anyone could ever need or want to help when making changes like this. Even if you don't want to lose weight, it's a pretty cool website since it can track everything that a body does, calories wise I mean.

There's a link to the right down there (i'm pointing to it, can you see it?) to my "Diet" Track Record. It's really neat.

Anyway, the reason I am telling you all this is partly because of accountability (i will be a LOT less likely to wolf down a Big Mac Large Fries when I know other people are going to be looking at it) and also because this is my blog which is all about me! :)

Wisdom

Last night at LifeGroup, I was talking to Trish about how I was really apprehensive about the fact that I will be 34 when I graduate from Pharmacy school. I just felt like it's too late for me, I'm past my prime or whatever. This is what she told me and I truly believe that these words have changed my life.

Trish said, "Jennifer, you're going to be 34 no matter what. So be 34 and a Pharmacist."

I wasn't able to tell her how good and wise those words are. I felt kind of lame actually for missing it because it was so simple.

Thanks Trish. You da man (or wo-man).

Cake

Tonight is Kalista's birthday party. I have actually planned this one out. I sent invitations 10 days ahead of time, I rented a place to do it, and I got her a presnt her too!

What did I forget this time?

The stinking cake. Thankfully United Bakery keeps princess cakes in stock.

My Dream

A couple of weeks ago, my boss asked me what my dream is. As in my goal or desire for my life. He said if money was not an issue, what would I do with in life. I had no clue.

Before landing this job, I had always had a goal to work for: graduating high school, the end of nine months, getting into college, graduating from college, getting a "real job." When I did get a real job, I felt relieved because I thought I had "made it." I was thinking that all I needed to do was keep working hard at this job for the next 40 years then I could retire, collect my pension, then eventually die in my sleep. I thought for such a long time that would be a great life. Fast forward a year and I am anything but relieved. I realized I don't want to do this for the rest of my life but I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do either.

At the time when my boss asked me that question, I kind of just blew it off. Mostly because I could not think of any career or one thing that would make me happy for an extended amount of time. I was still stuck in the thinking that this job as a church secretary was as good as I was going to get. I also think I didn't really want to dream at all because I was scared. I was scared to hope for something that would be impossible for me to attain. I was scared that I would just fail. I think I was even a little scared of my dream coming true because that would mean I would have to actually follow throught with something for once.

Four days later, I was working in the Nursery with Ginny and Pam. Ginny asks me out of the blue what my dream is. At first I got kind of irritated because I was thinking, "What the heck is the deal with people and dreams lately?" I told Ginny the truth that I had no dream. I had nothing that I was aspiring to do or to be. I quickly asked her what her dream was to get the attention off my-no-dream-having-self. That day, I really started to get uncomfortable with the fact that I had no dream, goal, or aspirations for anything for the rest of my life. It actually made me a little depressed. I also realized that was probably the reason I was feeling so lost lately.

The next day was Women of Worth. I also had a Theophostic session with Pam and Brenda right before W.O.W. It was about some stuff that I thought made me who I was, but really wasn't. Anyway, that isn't the point. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I had thought that the session didn't help me alot and I had an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to go home. I don't usually go to W.O.W. for different reasons which are mostly I am too lazy to actually get up and go. That night's W.O.W. was about birthing our destinies and dreams. By this time, I was having a mental temper tantrum with God. I was yelling inside my head telling Him to lay off, I don't have a dream, so let's all just get over it. But, as usual with God, He didn't lay off. When Becky was speaking up there about how inside each and every one us there is a very real destiny waiting to be birthed. She said that some women had aborted those dreams either because of fear, lies, laziness, or whatever. Every single word she spoke convicted me. I could see all the dreams I had killed because of my fear. All the dreams that God wanted me to have but I said no to because I thought I wouldn't make it.

When it was time to go to the front to be prayed for, I stood there for a very long time. I couldn't stop thinking of all the times I turned down an opportunity to be blessed by God with a new and abundant destiny. Then I prayed to God. I told Him I wanted a dream, I wanted something to strive for, to fight for, to crave. Becky prayed and prophesied over me. She told me that things I had always thought were not true. She told me something about myself very specific that only the Holy Spirit could have given to her.

Later that night when I was in bed I was thinking about that evening. I was just trying to think of what might be in store for me. All the sudden I realized God had given me a dream. I want to be a Pharmacist. Not just a pharmacy technician, no a real DOCTOR! I was really excited and was thinking of all the things I could do to accomplish that and about maybe having my own pharmacy right here in Clyde. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face. The next morning was very different. A huge spirit of fear gripped me all over. When I thought about going to school again, about all the homework, math & chemistry courses, money, and time that had to do with my new found dream, I got sick to my stomache. I told God that I just couldn't do it. It would be too hard. I would just fail anyway. I didn't tell anyone that I had dream. I didn't even want to think about it. It was all just too scary. I didn't want to hope for something again that I didn't know would come true. I was getting ready to have another abortion.

Then I just decided to hand all that over to God. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it by myself. I gave all my fear to Him. I finally started getting all the information I needed together. I found the courses I needed to take (yikes!) and which schools around here offer them. I found out that I have to go to Pre-Pharmacy School (just like a real doctor!!) first. I also found out that there is actually a shortage of Pharmacists in Texas so my job will actually be in high-demand. God is so good. He gave me the desires of my heart and then He gave them to me.

Today I applied for the Pre-Pharmacy school. Next all I have to do is apply for Financial Aide and take the Accu-Placer test to see how smart I am. This is a really hard decision for me. I am already paying on my student loans from my Associate Degree in Business. It would be so great if the next 6 years of education were if not totally paid for with a grant or scholarship of some type but at least paid for in cash every semester. So, I would greatly appreciate prayers for God to make a financial clearing for me in this new path.