hey.

things aren't cool for me right now. don't ask me about it unless you're prepared for me to break down in front of you.

oh, and for the girls who come to the thursday lunches, we're going to have to postpone them for a while. well, y'all can of course still meet, i just wont be able to host them or attend.

(insert bad word here)

Kalista took a picture of us waiting for the Doctor.

Yesterday morning Xander woke me up crying. I went to his room and he said his head was hurting. His eyes were bloodshot and his body was really hot. I didn't have a thermometer with me so I didn't know his temperature. I gave him some Tylenol and he said he felt better. I went ahead and let him go to school (i know, i know. not a cool thing to do but I had a really important meeting at work and I was praying that he wasn't really sick). About lunch time the school nurse called me and said that Xander had a temperature of 102.8. I rushed to go pick him up & I dispensed some more Tylenol. He again started feeling better and was totally bored out of his mind here in my office. I made a dr. appointment for him at 6 last night. About 5 o'clock Xander started feeling cruddy again. At the appointment, the dr. tested him & it came back positive for the flu.

Inside my head: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it's true. Just last week I was mentally congratulating myself for my family not getting sick this whole season. Pride truly comes before the fall. Dang you irony!!! Last night was no fun. Xander couldn't keep anything down, especially his medicine.

I'm looking at Kalista like she is a ticking flu bomb just waiting to go off. I have been praying for protection against sickness for Kalista and me.

Here is Kalista not being sick at the Doctor's office.

Please just pray for us. I don't have anyone to help me with them if I get sick. Plus Xander's birthday & party are this Saturday.

Excuse Me?

This is a true conversation that took place in my office at 1:29 p.m. today between myself and a woman who will remain nameless:

Nameless: Hey, Jennifer! I just came by to see how you're doing.
Jennifer: Oh, I'm doing good. How about you?
Nameless: What have the doctors said?
Jennifer: Doctors? About what?
Nameless: Well, I heard about you getting tests on your privates.
Jennifer: I..It's..uh,...That's a nice necklace. Where'd you get it from?
Nameless: Blah,Blah, Blah about necklace.

Okay, why the heck do people think it's okay to say stuff like that to me??? This is exactly the kind of conversation I was trying to avoid!!! Who does that any way? Who asks about another person's "privates"? This kind of stuff only happens to me.

Drum Roll Please

So, I went to the Dr's appointment last Thursday. He didn't give me any news either way. He did seem positive about everything though. And plus no monster came out & jumped at him or anything while he was down there (which, in my book, is always good). He said he would call me when he gets the results from that Pap Smear which should be in about 10 days. What the heck?? This is the 2000's! Isn't there some kind of instant Cancer test? I mean, there are home drug tests! C'mon!! Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna wait til then.

And not to turn this blog into a Lifetime movie or anything, but I really wanted to tell everyone thanks so much for being so supportive through this thing. I don't really like to talk about it in person and I cover up a lot of my worry with "I'm fine" & "It's going good" so I know it's been kinda hard for people to know how I'm really feeling. So, just thanks for the prayers & encouragement & comforting words.

Okay, Dr. Phil hour is over.

the great I AM

I saw this story on the Air1 website. It's so good.

http://www.tribune-democrat.com/statenews/cnhinsall_story_025081635.html

Let the Disappointment Ensue

So, just to let everyone know I withdrew from school. I wasn't able to handle everything that has been going on. The only area in my life that I could cut back on right now is school. I have a dr. appointment this Thursday, Feb. 14th to do a repeat Pap Smear. I plan on returning to school as soon as all this is under control.

This was a really hard decision for me. I hope everyone understands why I did it.

God is going to take care of this. He has to.

My Busy LIfe

Oh my goodness! I have been so ridiculously busy lately! For a while, I felt like I was lacking in all the areas of my life. But now they are all overflowing.

I started college earlier this month. It has been so much harder than I expected. I have still been putting in 40 hours every week at work and taking 7 hours at school. I have class on Mondays & Wednesdays 9a-12p and Tuesdays 6:30p -9:30p. Those Tuesday nights and Wednesday morning are getting rough. I have another biology class online which is totally kicking my butt. I'm not really good at understanding things that I can't get my hands on. It all seems so conceptual and not concrete.

God has been working on my heart lately in a few different areas. I feel like dough that is being kneaded right now, being prepared to become what I was meant to do. I find myself just staring off and being in awe of what God is putting in works.

I went to the doctor last week. He gave me the results of my last pap smear. They weren't good. I guess I might have cervical cancer. I haven't really told anyone about what's been going on. I am still contemplating what this means and what it means for my future. Because of the cost of the procedures I need done (culposcopy and biopsy), I am waiting on one of the agencies in Abilene to see if they can help with that. Then I'll see what the next thing after that is. When I found out about all this, it really broke my spirit/heart/faith. God has healed me of this very thing before. I felt betrayed for some reason. I remember hearing Bryan talk about people who were healed but then get the same illness 6 months later because they had not changed their hearts or life or whatever. I began to doubt myself and to doubt God. I began to doubt anything I thought I had received before or had thought I heard from God. I doubted my being healed of depression. I started having panic attacks and having feelings of despair like I used to. I doubted my dream of becoming a pharmacist. I thought that maybe I had just made everything up. I was just disheartened. Hearing the doctor tell me about my report, I didn't get scared or upset about the cancer itself. I was more upset about what me having cancer meant. What it meant for me, for my faith, for my kids, for my hopes. I felt very chaotic and unstable.

I feel better about things now though. I talked to Trish (shout out to my homie) about everything and she really gave me some good insight (as usual). She really helped me realize that this doesn't have to be my truth, these are just circumstances I am in right now. God healed me before and He can do it again. That's what I am praying for.

The other night when I was feeling really unsure about everything, I looked in the Bible for comfort. I wanted to look up "renew" but I didn't think that would be in there so I looked up "beginning" instead. I found a couple of scriptures but they didn't really ease the hurt I was feeling. I was sitting there having an inner monologue and staring blankly at the pages of my open Bible. Then the word "renew" came into focus. This is what it said (y'all probably already know it):

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits-

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--Psalm 103:1-5

I haven't felt desperate or had any panic attacks since I read that. I've been reading it and claiming it everyday. It's coming.

i let go

A Little Note: I actually posted this a couple of weeks ago. I took it off because sometimes I feel like people only want to see the funny, quirky side of me. But I don't always have a funny story to tell. So, if you don't really want to read a serious post from me, just skip this over. Thanks.

My happiness is causing someone else pain. I try not to think about it. I was in a relationship for 3 years (off & on) that ended in the beginning of November. I loved him. He loved me. It didn't work though. It never worked. I wanted so damn much that he couldn't give me & I had nothing to give him. Our relationship had this thing weighing on it from the beginning. It started out in sin. But even when I was out of that, things didn't get better. It was so hard to be together. We screamed, yelled, called bad names, threw things, cried out, begged. Even now, in this new beginning, I can feel an aching in my heart for something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself thinking of him, wanting to call & saying the one thing to hear him laugh, stopping my mouth from forming the word of his name, struggling with the thoughts in my mind. I feel certain I had to end it. He was part of who I used to be and didn't want to be anymore. He knew everything about me. He knew my past. He was there when I was dirty. He held me while I cried for another. He waited for me.

I let go. I hurt him. I'm sorry.

My So-Called Life

So, hey, everybody. What's up!

Sorry about taking another leave of absence but this life of mine has been keeping me busy. The holidays were great. I spent most of them with my boyfriend (insert girly giggle here). New Year's Day, the kids & I went to San Angelo. We spent the day playing in the park and making good memories. I was so flippin tired by the time I had to drive the 95 miles home. Thank goodness God loves me and made sure I stayed awake.

So, anyway, let's talk about what is on my heart. I mean, hey, you came to my blog for a reason right? I am in a full-blown relationship. It's really weird to me. Well, first let me tell you how it all began.

I first met Tony (that's his name, not just some random person) when we were in High School in Sweetwater. He was in a grade below me and I didn't pay much attention to him. We talked once. I didn't know it at the time, but we graduated together because Tony is super smart and graduated early. I didn't know all this until he told me, so it could all be a lie for all I know. Just kidding. He doesn't lie. I like that. Anyway! I digress... I tend to do that when I am talking about Tony. Don’t tell him I said that!

A year or so after graduation (1999) we worked at the same Texaco in Sweetwater. I was a little bit engaged at the time; but then got un-engaged after a few things came to light. Unfortunately, I was in total Rebound mode and picked Tony as the first guy to date. We dated for a couple of months but I seemed unable to stop sleeping around. After one particularly messy & law breaking incident, we finally decided to call it quits.

I met Marcos a few weeks later and promptly got myself knocked up with Kalista. When Kalista was about 6 months old, I left Marcos and moved to Abilene. Somehow, (I don’t remember) Tony & I started dating again. But, once again, I was in Rebound mode and couldn’t stop dating other people (at least I had stopped sleeping with them). About 6 weeks later, Marcos & I got back together and promptly got myself knocked up with Xander (noticing a pattern here?). Tony was always so sweet to me and I really just treated him like crap. I was so totally different back then. There were things I did that I have prayed for God to erase from my memory.

We kind of talked a little bit a few years later but never really started dating again. The last time I talked to him was four years ago in 2004.

So in November Tony sent me a message on myspace. I had forgotten all about having a page on there. He just asked me how I was doing and what kinds of things were going on in my life. We talked a little online for the next couple of weeks, but I didn’t really think anything about it. I was still trying to distance myself from another relationship that no one really knows about. Sorry, I haven’t been totally honest with y’all. Anyway, let’s move on and never keep any secrets again. Whoo! I feel so much better now that I got that out in the open.

Because we are both from Sweetwater and both our parents still live there, we were both in Sweetwater for Thanksgiving. I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. So we did at my mom’s house. Then we went driving around looking at Christmas lights for about an hour and I dropped him off at his friend’s house. We talked on the phone for that week and then we both “happened” to be in S’water again that weekend. We cruised around town and then I dropped him off at his friend’s house again. We continued talking on the phone. We stayed up talking on the phone until 1 or 2 in the morning. It was like I was in high school again. Our conversations usually ended by one of our cell phone batteries dying. I found out a lot of stuff I didn’t know and stuff I had forgotten about. Evidently, Tony remembered every single conversation we ever had. He remembered my favorite flower, my favorite color, my middle name, Kalista’s birthday & middle name, foods I didn’t like, my bad driving skills….

He just makes me feel so… so… I don’t know so something. He makes me feel unashamed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! The best part of this whole thing! We have NOT had sex!!! Most people would not understand how big of a thing this is for me. Sex to me has been like a weird addiction in the past. I hated it but couldn’t stop. This is literally the longest I have ever waited, even since my first time. I know that’s crazy to some people, but it’s this sick cycle I have. But this is how I know this is real with Tony.

My kids are totally in love with him too. Kalista loves to sit next to him and hold on to him. Xander loves to climb all over him and fights with Kalista to sit next to him. He doesn’t act weird with them or make me feel like it’s anything but natural to have them around. He comes up with stuff for us all to do together (he doesn’t have any kids and lives with two other guys with no kids).

I went back over my prayer list for what I wanted in a husband. All those things are there. Every single one. Even the color of his eyes. God is SO good.
This is my kids & Tony chillin at Little Pit. Hopefully, I can get a picture of us together one day.

I Think It's Real

I found someone. Someone who makes me feel beautiful. Someone who makes me forget my insecurities. Someone whose voice calms me. Someone whose touch cools my fevered thoughts.

New Things

There have been a few new things in my life this week. I don't want to say them all because certain people read this certain blog, but I will talk about two of them.

#1 Xander got his glasses finally! He looks so adorable! I really had no idea that his vision was so bad until he started telling me what he could see when he put them on. Every morning he would look for his shoes in the shoe closet. He would almost always tell me he couldn't find them. Then I would go stand right by him and they were right in front of him and I would get upset with him for "not looking right." I feel so bad now! He really couldn't see them! When he put them on for the first time, he looked around and said: Momma! I can see! Hey, you have star earrings Momma. Glasses are so awesome. For the past couple of days, Kalista has been trying to convince me that she needs glasses too. It's funny the stories she comes up with to convince me.

Here's one of them:
Kalista: Mom, something is wrong with me
Me: Really? Like what?
Kalista: Sometimes, I can see stuff but then all the sudden it goes away. I think I need glasses.
Me: (a pointed stare)
Kalista: What? I'm just saying there's something wrong with me.

Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

#2 I got my nose pierced!!! Yay for me! I went to the same establishment and guy as Brandi. Read here for her tale. I've had my tongue pierced 4 times and my eyebrow once. My nose hurt more than both of those. But I would have to say a lot less than my tattoos. It was super easy, super fast, and super cool. The only time the guy actually talked to me though was when he told me the aftercare instructions like he was the legal guy on the commercials (you know, at the end when they have to talk really fast to state all the legal stuff) and to ask for the money. I did give him a tip to try to improve his mood. He did give me a smile after that. I was nervous about going to work and if they would say anything. So far, not one person at my job has even noticed. So, if you see me, feel free to notice. But don't say anything rude. I'm not into that.

Because I Like Pictures

Because I like pictures, I am going to put some more up. Sorry if you're allergic to pictures with incredibly cool people in them.

Herer's Anoe and Xander actually getting along and being sweet to each other. They look gangsta.

Hopefully they will stay this sweet throughout their teenage years.

Kalista wrote this on her hand and then took a picture of it. I found it when I was uploading pictures from my camera to my computer. It summarizes the whole being of Kalista.

I can't help it! I love any picture with Xander rockin' the Mohawk. It looks so good on him!

Kalista & Xander with their dad. (for those of you wondering what he looks like)

And I absolutely love any picture with Kalista with no teef (yes, teef)

Xander closes it out by rockin out in the Ladies' Truckstop Restroom. Only he could pull it off.

The Answer

So, many of you might wonder why I am the way I am. Here is the reason:

For Thanksgiving, my Mom decided to dress up. Now, usually people do this on Halloween. But not my Mother. She, obviously, likes to march to the beat of a totally different drummer. (Probably a drummer that is having acid flashbacks from the 70's)

P.S. Yes, that is a wig. Although, I have to say the wig looks better than some of her hairstyles. My Mother is a firm believer in "Bigger is Better". It can get a little scary sometimes...

Waiting

I feel strange. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. I keep trying to rush through each thing I do to try to get to whatever I am waiting for. I keep checking the time on the clock, but I don't have a time I need it to be. My stomach is all in tingles and I feel excited, but then I get confused because I don't have anything to be this excited about. It kinda feels like I have a song in me but I don't know the tune or the words.

On another topic, my family has been shown a bunch of favor last week. For the month of November, both Kalista AND Xander were chosen to be Student of the Month for their classes!!! Yay for my babies! I feel like such a good Mom for once. So awesome. And then, I won the Mystery Person thing in the Clyde Newspaper. My picture will be in the paper tomorrow (Wednesday) so everyone go out and buy a Clyde Journal, cut out my picture, and hang it on your refridgerators. I will be making surprise/random visits of homes to make sure this is done.
This is the photo that will be in the paper. It's actually a good one so don't miss it!

My Version of "Growing Up"

I've been hearing some of my friends talking about their kids growing up and the signs of it happening, which in turn made me think of my children.

Kalista has always been a little "mature" for her age. I don't mean like, sexually, but more bossy and motherly. I am constantly having to remind her that I am the mother, not her. Or not to try to be Xander's mom. I loved it when she was 5 and she would bend over with her hands on her knees so she could get down on Xander's "level" and talk sweet to him.

But, now I have been noticing more changes in Kalista that are subtle reminders that she is growing up. Like, now she uses regular shampoo and conditioner, instead of the tear-free stuff. She brushes her own hair and puts it up in a ponytail. She accessorizes. There isn't a day that she goes to school without a bracelet, necklace, or earrings. She buckles her seatbelt without being asked. Actually she's the one who reminds Xander to buckle up. When Anoe hurt her ear the other day, she held Anoe's hand and rubbed her back. She will tell me if I have little bit too much cleavage going on. She's got my back like that.

I usually think of myself as a mother of small children. But, now, that's not so true anymore. My daughter is 7! My son will be 6 in two months!

At least I can depend on Xander not growing up too soon. Whenever I say he's a big boy, he gets mad and insists he is still a baby. Or a puppy. Depends on his mood.

Found, Found, Found!!!!!

I found my keys!! When it happened, music started playing in hte background and I started running in slow motion towards them. Then I picked them up and twirled slowly in circles and gave them kisses all over. Then I remembered that I found them in the deep crevices of my couch and ran to the bathroom to sterilize my lips.

I don't know if anyone really prayed for me, but I am VERY appreciatve of anyone who did.

Oh, and thank you God.

Needs to be Found

I lost my set of the Church keys. I have keys for every door in the church and the sole key for post office box. I don't even know where or when I lost them. I locked up the doors on Friday and on Sunday I couldn't find them. I've been retracing my steps like crazy. I really need to find them. Please say a quick, small prayer that God will reveal their location to me. Please.

Yes, I Know

Yes, I know that the pictures below are really small. They're from a camera phone so don't expect too much. If anyone would like to buy me batteries for my REAL camera, feel free. Double-A, rechargeable. Until then, no complaints.

A Nice Day Out

I hardly ever put up any pictures so I wanted to share some with y'all. I took the kids out walking around downtown Sunday and we had loads of fun. Oh, I am in love with Jim Halpert and I don't care who knows!





Alexis, Kalista, Xander, and me acting silly. Or we could be on our way to a rock concert. You never know.



These are the spider monkeys attacking a lamppost in downtown Abilene. They're dangerous!



And here we have a picture of me taking a picture of something else. It was probably the spidermonkeys.






This is me Hardcore and me Sweet.




This is me pretending that Porsche is actually my sweet new ride. (can anyone say OLD SCHOOL)





And, last, a shot from the best show EVER!! (the Office)

Perspective

So, in this life, I have learned it's all about perspective. Things are as bad as you make them. At least that's how I feel. Oh, and Denial is a force to be reckoned with.

Anyway, I got a letter in the mail from the school nurse for "The Parents of Xander Aguilar" I was thinking, "Oh no." The letter said that Xander had failed his vision exam twice so he it was recommended that he be taken to an Optometrist. For some reason, it made me excited. I think kids wearing glasses are the cutest things ever! I wasn't bothered by the money I would probably have to spend on the glasses. I knew that it would be taken care of (God is good like that). So, I'm really excited about it. And since I was excited about it, it got Kalista excited, then Xander got excited also! Kalista is now jealous that she can't have any glasses.

I called to make an appointment for him this morning and they said they had an opening at 3pm. I was like, "Oh, it's on!" I picked him up early from school and rushed over to Abilene. At the office though, I found out that I brought the wrong Medicaid card. But, the receptionist lady was really sweet and said I could fax it in to them later. I said a prayer of thanks to Jesus! Xander had so much fun getting his eyes looked at, shined on, blowed on, and looking at weird shapes. When it came time to picking out the frames, he was not indecisive at all. I guess that's the man in him. He picked the first ones he tried on. Actually, when we first got there he picked out some baby blue plastic frames that were totally tacky. I shot that down real quick. I was not gonna have him pull a Paige Hafner on me. So he ended up picking out some thin-wire framed glasses that are bendy and can be twisted all ways without breaking. They will be ready in 6-10 days. I am so excited!!

Update on the Update

Sorry guys for not posting the update. I guess my feelings/pride/whatever were kind of hurt so I haven't really wanted to talk about it all.

Anyway, so the thing I was praying isn't going to happen. In fact, it's going a little bit in the opposite direction. My plans are still on to go to college though...

I could use some prayer for financial blessing though. But who doesn't, right? Hopefully, I will be getting some insight soon about the direction my life is going to be taking. Or maybe the heater will start working in my office. Who knows the mysteries of the universe.

Up to the Date

I haven't gotten any word yet. It looks like I am going to have to wait until after the Thanksgiving Holiday. I am still going to keep praying that this turns out to be the blessing I need it so desperately to be. I will clear everything up when I find out for sure what's going to happen. I just don't want to get things out there that might not be true or not happen.

Sorry to be so mysterious. (i kinda feel like daphne from scooby-doo--daphne because she's the hot one).

Favor

There is going to be a MAJOR decision made tonight concerning my work. Please please please pray for favor (towards me) in this decision. It has the potential to greatly bless my family.

p.s. Sorry my last post was depressing. These hormones really are killing me!!

No Good Title

Sometimes, I feel something weighing me down. I just feel so heavy. In the mornings, it takes all my powers of persuasion and denial to get myself out of bed. Sometimes, I lay there and pray.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why am I not satisfied with the way my life is? It is certainly better than it was and also better than millions of other people in the world. Why can't I feel complete with what God has given me? Why can't I just feel complete?

A Call For Help

Okay, this is a call for help. I really need to find someone who gets the NBC channel and likes to watch Heroes on Monday nights and The Office on Wednesday nights. I dont get that channel at all and I love love love both shows but I haven't been able to watch it this season. I am desperate!! I've tried watching the show online but my internet connection is so weak, the video is really choppy and lags big time!

So, please someone with cable, satellite or whatever please have pity on me and let me spend an hour with you in your home. I will even bring over snacks!!

Loss

The church I work at is in serious need of prayer. There has been much turmoil, sadness, and hurt feelings lately. The Youth director handed in his resignation yesterday, the Pastor also gave notice of his leaving the church, and then early this morning the Pastor's mother died. Other things have been going on that have really been tearing this church apart. People have gotten hurt over a decision that was made recently. This church has split once already because of a similar situation. I don't think it can take another one. Although, I am not "officially" a member of this church, I still feel like I am a part of it. I love all these people. So many of them have loving hearts. I have many funny, tender, prayerful, happy memories with them. I hate that they keep having to go through so much crap. The Pastor is hurting really bad right now. I'm not really sure how to comfort him. I don't think his decision is the best decision for him or the church. There have been one or two people who have already made me mad in this situation. Someone has already called the office to talk about the Pastor leaving and they were just being so calloused about it. I'm not good at handling these kinds of things. I feel like this church has a 3rd degree burn and instead of letting it heal nicely, they're picking at it constantly. I just wish I had some kind of "spiritual" salve to rub all over the walls and pews and alters and rooms and offices and even the bathrooms.

I just feel so lost and saddened about it all. I want God to come to this place and save this church.

Top 3 Most Embarrassing Things I've Said

#1. I was a Sophmore in High School and taking Child Development as an elective. We were discussing reproduction and all that fun stuff. One day I asked my teacher, "Is sterility hereditary?" She said, "What?" I repeated the question and then realized how dumb that question was. I didn't talk very much in class after that.

#2. I was in college at the time. The instructor had asked us to give back one of our assignments because of some grading issues. Jokingly, I said, "You're such an indian-giver!" Little did I know that she was actually Cherokee and was deeply offended by the term "indian-giver." I wanted to die. I didn't talk very much in class after that either.

#3. I went to W.O.W. for the first time and still didn't know very many women. I was nervous and I was trying to act like I wasn't. There was a small crowd talking so I walked over. They were talking about baby names for one of the women who were pregnant. She said she was thinking of naming her baby Selah. I thought it was beautiful. I wanted to say something to be part of the conversation and since humor usually works, I said, "Oh! You should name her Salmonella." Ha ha ha...no. I wanted to smack myself.

Top 3 Most Embarrassing Moments

#1 Circa 1986

When I was in kindergarten or first grade, my sister and I would walk to and from school everyday. Now, why we were allowed to do that I have no idea. We were living in friggin' El Paso!! The place most famous for abducting females and never seeing them again. Let's all just believe that my mother knew God was watching over us.

Anyway, I digress. I was a particularly cool individual because I had recently acquired a red pleather jacket with tons of zippers. This was back when Michael Jackson still had a nose and pre-Pepsi hair fire. So, basically he was still cool. And so was I. Amanda and I were walking home after school one day when we came across some boys we knew from school. Amanda was a lot cooler than me (even though she didn't have said numerously numbered zippered jacket) and was chatting them up. Evidently, I felt like The Jacket and I weren't getting enough attention so I started practicing my Martial Art skills on the nearby mesquite tree. As I was karate chopping and round-house kicking away, they all stopped talking and stared at me. I thought it was because they were amazed at my skills. Finally, my sister tried to put me out of my misery and yelled at me to stop acting retarded. Very solemnly, I turned around to her, put my hands together in front of my chest in a prayer-like fold, bowed ever so slightly and said, "I am sorry Master. I forget the strength of my powers." Amanda rolled her eyes and stalked off; and the boys just turned around and walked off too. I was mentally chastising myself for letting other people see my "secret" powers.

#2 Circa 1992-Sixth Grade

Still living in El Paso but I had gotten over the whole "mystical powers" thing by 6th grade. I was onto bigger and better things. I had "developed" quickly that year. I had no idea what to do with these new growths. When summer rolled around, my mom took me shopping to get a new swimsuit. It was one of those swimsuits that were two pieces but connected to each other on the side. There were all the rage in '92 El Paso. And they had it at the dollar store. My mom wanted to make sure I got one that accommodated my new body so she got one that had a little extra room up top. I wore it the first time when we all went to the water park, Wet-n-Wild. Everything was going great. I was just a swimming. I started noticing that when I would try to play around other people, they would kinda look at me weird then swim off to another place. I just thought to myself, "I must be swimming really awesome because they don't know how to act." Seriously, that's what I was thinking. Then I heard someone yelling. I just ignored it. People were usually yelling or laughing really loud or whatever. Whoever was yelling kept it up so I finally looked around to see what was going on. At this time, I was sitting in the shallow end next to a girl who I was trying to not impress too much so she wouldn't swim off like everyone else. Well, I finally located the source of the yelling. And it ended up it was a girl in a line for a ride at least a half football field away. It was weird because it seemed like she was pointing at me too. And she was doing something weird with her swimsuit top and gesturing something about putting her boob in her top. I turned to look at the girl next to me and she was just staring at my chest. I looked down and fully realized the horror. I had been flashing everyone my 12-year-old boob for at least the last 30 minutes.

#3 Circa 1993-Seventh Grade

Evidently, El Paso just brought out the worst in me. In 7th Grade, we had a Dance every 6 weeks. They were tons of fun. I never had a date (evidently too cool for that) or anything but I loved it. At one particular Dance, I was feeling very bold. I didn't usually dance very much. I mostly stuck to the punch and cookie table or sat next to a wall and envied everyone dancing. But this one time, something just got into me where I REALLY wanted to dance. So I was out there giving it my all. I did this thing with my feet spread wide apart, hands on my knees, moving my head rapidly in circular motion and kind of doing a MC Hammer thing at the same time. During this whole debacle, I had several friends come up to me and gently tell me to calm down or to just stop. I totally thought they were joking so I revved up my efforts. About that time, a teacher came over to me. At first she had a hard time getting my attention what with my quasi-head banging move (no, it wasn't even Metallica playing. It was Bel Biv Devoe). After smacking her a few times with my hair, she finally just stopped my head with her hand. I looked up and she guided me back over to my usual spot. She explained to me that I was taking up a large portion of the dance floor because other kids were afraid to get close to me and she thought I should just take a breather for a few songs. She had great timing too. I was feeling a little dizzy by that time. Thank goodness camera-phones were not yet invented!!

Compromise

I have come to realize that compromise has gotten me into more trouble than it's worth. I have compromised over the years on various things that I shouldn't have. Sex, relationships, school, haircuts, perms, more perms (don't even get me started!). I have just fully realized that in every area I compromised what I really wanted for something that was "easier." It was easier to just finally say "Okay" instead of "I'm waiting for my husband." It was easier to say "This is better than being alone" instead of actually standing up for myself. It was easier to make up excuses than to leave. It was easier to blame him instead of taking responsibility. It was easier to tell the hairdresser that it didn't look lopsided when I looked like Edward Scissorhands had gotten a hold of me.


I know that if I don't stop right now, I will be compromising my way into hell.

What is the DEAL!!!

I love my children. I, of course, think they are the most beautiful beings created by God. I think they're laughs sound like angels getting wings. I could live off of their kisses and hugs. Kalista can sing like no one I've ever heard and Xander can dance like no one I've ever seen.

That said, they drive me crazy!

Why, Why, Why!! Why is it that the ONLY time they both voluntarily flush the toilet is when I am taking a shower?!? They could literally go days without flushing the darn thing, then the minute I try to take a nice shower they have to pee and flush the toilet. What is the deal with that? And why do they seem physically incapable of closing a door? Is there some kind of force field between their hands and the door knob I am not aware of? Why do they have to watch t.v. with the volume cranked up to hearing impaired level? Why am I the only one in the house that can hear the water faucet left on? And, can someone please explain to me why all the windows in my car seem to have a very focused gravitational pull to dirty hands?

I just don't understand.

Spiders in my Life

I have had two dreams in the last week about spiders. I think I know what it means after discussing it some with my sister.

First dream:

In my dream, I am walking through my house. In every room there are spiders. Big, fat spiders with huge intricate webs that span several feet. There are only one or two spiders in each room. I am trying to get to a place in my house with no spiders in it so I can sit down and relax. I opened the door to my room and I saw a big spider hanging over my bed. I didn't feel terrified, I felt more of an uneasy feeling. I turned around and moved to walk down my hallway but there was a web spun wall to wall with a large spider in the middle of it. I stood there trying to think of how to get around it without it jumping on me. I wasn't deathly scared of it for some reason, I just didn't want it to touch me at all. I just didn't want to have anything to do with it. My dream ended with me trying to figure out how get past it.


Second Dream:

I am at my brother's house looking at this really sweet ride he had just gotten. It was a mustard yellow Ford Pinto that was pimped out. (is that prophetic? pintos making a comeback???) The car had suicide doors, crushed velvet interior, matching color dashboard and seat covers, and even some dubs. (for the uncool people, those are 20" rims) Anyway, the car isn't the point of the dream, it's just my favorite part. So, my brother had his new *sweet* ride parked in a carport that was connected to a trailer that he lived in (he doesn't really live in a trailer...anymore). The carport was open in the front and back and had a wall on it opposite of where the trailer was. Kind of like this one but a wall where there isn't in the picture and minus this dumb car compared to the awesome Pinto.











Okay, so I was walking over to the driver side to get a closer look when I notice there are spiders all around me. Not hundreds, or even tens of them. Just two or three in a few strategic places where I couldn't get out. At the rear of the car was a very large spider web with a large spider sitting on it hidden underneath a little covering it had spun over itself. I knew that when I walked by it, it would jump out from its covering and attack me. I knew I definitely did not want to go that way. I started to go towards the front to try to get out that way but there was a spider hanging out there as well. Now, my back is against the wall of the carport behind and my brother is standing by the door to the trailer on the other side of the car. I was yelling to him to help me. He told me to quit being such a wuss and just walk by the spiders. But I seriously didn't want to. I wasn't scared of being hurt, I just didn't want them to touch me or jump on me. Also, they were the biggest darn spiders ever. I didn't know what to do. Either way I went, I would have to go by one of those ugly spiders. That dream ended with me standing there worrying about what to do and not being able to figure out how to handle the situation.

I am pretty sure I know what the "spiders" symbolize in my life. There are some things in my life right now that I am just not wanting to deal with. I am doing everything I can to not deal with them in fact. I don't know how to fix it so I am standing here wringing my hands saying, "Oh dear. Oh dear." like a little old lady.

I Love a Rainy Night (you have to sing it)

Okay, I know that it isn't night but it is dark enough to be. As I was driving from the elementary school to work I saw the most beautiful clouds. They looked like mashed potatoes that someone had made into swirlies. I drove leisurly to the Post Office, then to Whataburger (totally addicted to their Honey Butter Chicken Buscuits), then back on to the office. Just as I was stepping up to the door, it started raining. God is so good!

Can't Talk

Can't talk. Burnt mouth horribly. Hot Coffee. Pretty sure scalded throat too. My coffee mug should come with a warning of how hot coffee could be.

Feng-Shui

I am not into Feng-Shui at all. I personally believe it's a bunch of bull-hockey. But I do believe that arranging an office in a certain way can improve efficiency, productivity, and general well-being in a person who is stuck under flourescent lighting all day.

My office decor looks like a catholic/country store garage sale threw up in it, then threw some papers, notebooks, christian supply magazines, binders over it all to try to clean up the mess, and then in the middle of it all gave up. My office is probably the most inefficient office ever. My office would be the poster-office for Before pictures in extreme makeover shows. My office would be the kid who never has matching socks, gum in hair, two-sizes too small clothes, finger up nose, and wears a Barney backpack in 5th grade. It really is a sad state. Another thing about my offic ethat irritates the heck out of me is the fact that everyone who comes in feels the innate need to leave whatever happens to be in their grubby little hands on my desk or very nearby. Do you know what this does to my need for organization??

All that to say that I have rearranged my office. It looks so beautiful now! Well, the weird religious pictures with glitter and country bunny stuff is still hanging up because evidently a cousin of a brother of a friend gave it to the church long ago which makes it sacred now. There were two desks sitting on opposite sides of the room that are now moved together to make an L-shape desk. My area is moved back farther from the entrance and closer to the wall so it is more well-defined. I moved the filing cabinets (i have four of them in here that are all different colors and sizes) to less conspicuous spots. It's a pretty sweet set up. If I can ever charge up the batteries, I'll take some pictures for everyone. Because I just know that everyone is dying to know what my office looks like. I probably should have taken some Before pictures of the whole mess. Maybe I can put everything back to the way it was... I don't think so!

Esperanza

Hope (or esperanza).

I have so much hope in me. Everyday I have a million hopes. Usually I am literally terrified of hoping because of the possibility of it never materializing. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to hope for something and not be scared. I don't want to be a beaten down, eyes always downcast, hope barren woman anymore. I want to be a confident, assured, beaming glory of God's awesome power kind of woman. I want to be the kind of woman I always stare at and wish I could be. These are my hopes; silly, serious, and everything in between.

1. I hope to be like Jesus
2. I hope my children see Jesus in me
3. I hope I feel Jesus' love everyday
4. I hope to get a pedicure one day
5. I hope to have another baby grow in my womb
6. I hope to take pictures of flowers for no reason
7. I hope to be used by God
8. I hope to know I am beautifully made
9. I hope my children will find a perfect love
10. I hope to rip out the nasty carpet in my kitchen
11. I hope to organize my desk at home
12. I hope I get Satellite TV & DVR
    
13. I hope I lose 80 lbs in one year
14. I hope my children will remember me as a loving mother and not a screaming/hateful/mean mother
15. I hope I have 50 more years with my mother
16. I hope my father knows I have forgiven him
17. I hope my heart isn't broken any more
18. I hope God doesn't give up on me
19. I hope Marcos finds God's love
20. I hope my sister will see herself as I see her in all her godly beauty
21. I hope I see Jesus
22. I hope I see Jesus heal Miles
23. I hope I get a "real" decor for my home
24. I hope to walk towards a man God picked for me and vow the rest of my life to
    
25. I hope I learn not to be disappointed in myself
26. I hope I get an MP3 player for Christmas
27. I hope someone invents fat/calorie free french fries in the next year
28. I hope that Tom Cruise sees how silly he has been acting and follows Jesus so I can start watching his movies again
29. I hope to understand the Bible more (or at all)
30. I hope I don't have to do this alone very much longer
31. I hope God puts a supernatural understanding of Science and Math in me before January
    
32. I hope my body will be completely healed of any affliction
33. I hope my mom never finds out about all the stuff I did in high school
34. I hope the tree in my front yard does not fall on top of my house or car or KIDS
35. I hope I don't have any late fines at the library
36. I hope there are more good Christian movies
37. I hope that Brad Pitt quits his silliness, leaves that old Angelina, and realizes I am his one true love...wait, I think that's bad to want to break up a family...darn it, never mind.
38. I hope God shows enormous favor on all the children of the world who are in horrific situations (i don't mean like they don't have an xbox or even having to shop at walmart).

I have plenty more hopes. They've been stored up for a while. I don't want to leave here just hoping; I want to leave knowing. I know I am a confident, assured, beaming glory of God's awesome power kind of woman. I know I am the kind of woman I always stare at and wish I could be. I KNOW I am God's beautiful creation.

What do you esperanza for?

Other New Stuff

I added some new links. A few of them are for other churches. There's one for the biography of Smith Wigglesworth. Bill Johnson talked about him in one of his sermons and I wanted to know more about him so this is what I have found. There's more out there. I highly recommend reading about this guy.

New Life

I am making a change. I am making a new life. I am changing my whole way of thinking. I will eat to live, not live to eat. Food will no longer be the love of my life.

A friend told me about this really awesome website FitDay that has everything anyone could ever need or want to help when making changes like this. Even if you don't want to lose weight, it's a pretty cool website since it can track everything that a body does, calories wise I mean.

There's a link to the right down there (i'm pointing to it, can you see it?) to my "Diet" Track Record. It's really neat.

Anyway, the reason I am telling you all this is partly because of accountability (i will be a LOT less likely to wolf down a Big Mac Large Fries when I know other people are going to be looking at it) and also because this is my blog which is all about me! :)

Wisdom

Last night at LifeGroup, I was talking to Trish about how I was really apprehensive about the fact that I will be 34 when I graduate from Pharmacy school. I just felt like it's too late for me, I'm past my prime or whatever. This is what she told me and I truly believe that these words have changed my life.

Trish said, "Jennifer, you're going to be 34 no matter what. So be 34 and a Pharmacist."

I wasn't able to tell her how good and wise those words are. I felt kind of lame actually for missing it because it was so simple.

Thanks Trish. You da man (or wo-man).

Cake

Tonight is Kalista's birthday party. I have actually planned this one out. I sent invitations 10 days ahead of time, I rented a place to do it, and I got her a presnt her too!

What did I forget this time?

The stinking cake. Thankfully United Bakery keeps princess cakes in stock.

My Dream

A couple of weeks ago, my boss asked me what my dream is. As in my goal or desire for my life. He said if money was not an issue, what would I do with in life. I had no clue.

Before landing this job, I had always had a goal to work for: graduating high school, the end of nine months, getting into college, graduating from college, getting a "real job." When I did get a real job, I felt relieved because I thought I had "made it." I was thinking that all I needed to do was keep working hard at this job for the next 40 years then I could retire, collect my pension, then eventually die in my sleep. I thought for such a long time that would be a great life. Fast forward a year and I am anything but relieved. I realized I don't want to do this for the rest of my life but I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do either.

At the time when my boss asked me that question, I kind of just blew it off. Mostly because I could not think of any career or one thing that would make me happy for an extended amount of time. I was still stuck in the thinking that this job as a church secretary was as good as I was going to get. I also think I didn't really want to dream at all because I was scared. I was scared to hope for something that would be impossible for me to attain. I was scared that I would just fail. I think I was even a little scared of my dream coming true because that would mean I would have to actually follow throught with something for once.

Four days later, I was working in the Nursery with Ginny and Pam. Ginny asks me out of the blue what my dream is. At first I got kind of irritated because I was thinking, "What the heck is the deal with people and dreams lately?" I told Ginny the truth that I had no dream. I had nothing that I was aspiring to do or to be. I quickly asked her what her dream was to get the attention off my-no-dream-having-self. That day, I really started to get uncomfortable with the fact that I had no dream, goal, or aspirations for anything for the rest of my life. It actually made me a little depressed. I also realized that was probably the reason I was feeling so lost lately.

The next day was Women of Worth. I also had a Theophostic session with Pam and Brenda right before W.O.W. It was about some stuff that I thought made me who I was, but really wasn't. Anyway, that isn't the point. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I had thought that the session didn't help me alot and I had an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to go home. I don't usually go to W.O.W. for different reasons which are mostly I am too lazy to actually get up and go. That night's W.O.W. was about birthing our destinies and dreams. By this time, I was having a mental temper tantrum with God. I was yelling inside my head telling Him to lay off, I don't have a dream, so let's all just get over it. But, as usual with God, He didn't lay off. When Becky was speaking up there about how inside each and every one us there is a very real destiny waiting to be birthed. She said that some women had aborted those dreams either because of fear, lies, laziness, or whatever. Every single word she spoke convicted me. I could see all the dreams I had killed because of my fear. All the dreams that God wanted me to have but I said no to because I thought I wouldn't make it.

When it was time to go to the front to be prayed for, I stood there for a very long time. I couldn't stop thinking of all the times I turned down an opportunity to be blessed by God with a new and abundant destiny. Then I prayed to God. I told Him I wanted a dream, I wanted something to strive for, to fight for, to crave. Becky prayed and prophesied over me. She told me that things I had always thought were not true. She told me something about myself very specific that only the Holy Spirit could have given to her.

Later that night when I was in bed I was thinking about that evening. I was just trying to think of what might be in store for me. All the sudden I realized God had given me a dream. I want to be a Pharmacist. Not just a pharmacy technician, no a real DOCTOR! I was really excited and was thinking of all the things I could do to accomplish that and about maybe having my own pharmacy right here in Clyde. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face. The next morning was very different. A huge spirit of fear gripped me all over. When I thought about going to school again, about all the homework, math & chemistry courses, money, and time that had to do with my new found dream, I got sick to my stomache. I told God that I just couldn't do it. It would be too hard. I would just fail anyway. I didn't tell anyone that I had dream. I didn't even want to think about it. It was all just too scary. I didn't want to hope for something again that I didn't know would come true. I was getting ready to have another abortion.

Then I just decided to hand all that over to God. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it by myself. I gave all my fear to Him. I finally started getting all the information I needed together. I found the courses I needed to take (yikes!) and which schools around here offer them. I found out that I have to go to Pre-Pharmacy School (just like a real doctor!!) first. I also found out that there is actually a shortage of Pharmacists in Texas so my job will actually be in high-demand. God is so good. He gave me the desires of my heart and then He gave them to me.

Today I applied for the Pre-Pharmacy school. Next all I have to do is apply for Financial Aide and take the Accu-Placer test to see how smart I am. This is a really hard decision for me. I am already paying on my student loans from my Associate Degree in Business. It would be so great if the next 6 years of education were if not totally paid for with a grant or scholarship of some type but at least paid for in cash every semester. So, I would greatly appreciate prayers for God to make a financial clearing for me in this new path.

I'm In Love!!!

I'm in love and I don't care who knows! I want to go to mountaintops and yell out my new found love! I want to run naked down the street proclaiming my love!! Okay, well, maybe not that far but I seriously want to tell everyone I come into contact with. Special thanks goes to Brandi Wilson for introducing us. Seriously, Brandi this couldn't have been possible with out you.

Okay, let me tell you.

I am in love with Bare Minerals makeup! Yes, it's true! I had pretty much stopped wearing any kind of makeup except for eye stuff because it either made my skin break out more or just made my current break outs look worse. Then at the BFW Brandi let me sample some of her stuff. I wasn't quite sure if I liked it or not. I couldn't really tell I had makeup on at all. Which, after so many years of living with the Makeup Line (girls know what i am talking about), didn't seem so natural to me. Anyway, in July I ordered my own kit. It has been so awesome since then. All my friends have commented repeatedly how nice my skin looks and how good my makeup looks too. For a little while there, I am became a pseudo Bare Minerals Saleslady. I even did a mini-makeover on my sister and now she loves it too. Brandi and I are thinking about becoming Bare Minerals Representatives.

How Much

I have been thinking of a situation in my life. I am wondering how much is enough? How much should I give to a relationship (not a romantic one). How many times do I keep reaching out? Is there a point that is reached?

Funny Thing...

I took all 4 kids to Whataburger the other day (Alexis, Anoe, Kalista, and Xander). Alexis was peeling off the cheese on her burger because I forgot to order hers without any. We were just discussing how Alexis doesn't like cheese on burgers but she does like cheese sticks.

Kalista says, "Maybe you just need some home-made cheese."

Then Alexis says, "Well, didn't people used to make home-made cheese and milk back in the 80's?"

Me As A Convict

So a while back I had posted about my awful driver's license picture where I look I am in Taylor County Jail. There has finally been enough time for me me to get over the trauma and humiliation of that picture so I am now ready to post it.

Here it is in all it's glory.

Month of Anniversaries

August is a month of anniversaries for me. One sad, one weird, and one good.

The sad one is the anniversary of my father's death. He died eight years ago about 5 weeks before I was supposed to be married to a huge jerk. (obviously that whole thing didn't happen). I am still unclear of the exact causes of death. I found out he was sick at the same I found out he was dying. My father and I were never particularly close; he was more close with my brother and my sister. I think I scared him a little being so rebellious and wild. He didn't know how to talk to me. I remember he tried to talk to me one time about my boyfriend. He said, "You don't want to end up in the same situation as your sister." At the time, I was thinking "What? End up with a beautiful daughter and my own apartment?" (that was pretty much the extent of my goals back then) His death affected more than his life did. Weird how that works.

The weird one is the anniversary for my mom's latest marriage. Which, I have to say, is her longest one yet. The weird part is that my mom has a wife. Yes, that's right my Mother is an official lesbian. No, it's not sexy like the movies portray. She came out in '99, shortly after my father's death in fact. Although, I kinda had feeling about her "orientation" for a while. I would say I started suspecting when I accidentally played a certain videotape.... At first, I thought it was a phase or something. But 8 years and one Commitment Ceremony later, I am starting to think this is going to stick. My mom's wife is the best 'partner' so far. The men my mom dated then married were jerks. They were unemployed jerks. They were unhygenic unemployed jerks. But my step-mom (sm) now takes care of my mother. Not only does she take care of her, she spoils my mother. SM owns her own business, has her own vehicle, and seriously loves my mom. My mom can be very difficult at times and, when upset, can say or do hurtful things. So the number one question is how does this line up with my faith??? I have no idea. I am still trying to figure how I feel about it. I mean, I can say I think homosexuality is wrong and God is going to smite all gays. But, I mean, c'mon. It's my mom. She birthed me! How can I tell the woman who gave me life that she's an abomination? My mom and SM aren't weird or abnormal. They love, argue, care, disagree just like any other married couple, they just happen to be of the same sex. So, there's that anniversary.

The good anniversary is the One Year Anniversary of me working at the Church!!! Yay me! I actually made it! The job has helped me grow in so many ways. In maturity, faith, knowledge, skills, confidence, (bank account), and love. I have learned not to give up. This is the first time I stayed when things got hard. My prior M.O. is to just run away and hide from my problems. Just to say, they always came back.

GodTube

I don't know if anyone else already knows about this site. A friend of mine sent me a link to it today. It's godtube.com She sent me a link to one of the videos on there. It is really awesome. I hope everyone goes checks it out. It reminds me a lot of what some of the KLF Youth did last Hallelujah Night in the funeral house.

Xander & Kalista

This is Kalista climbing the walls in our hallway with Xander standing underneath her rocking his new Mohawk.

There's a Reason

Last week, my kids stayed the night with my sister. I was relaxing on the couch reading a good book enjoying the quiet when Marcos called. He called from a payphone since his phone had been turned off for the third time this year so it was little hard to understand him. He told me that he wanted to let me know that he won’t be living at his apartment anymore because he was getting evicted in three days for not paying his rent. He was also telling me about some of his other problems that he’s been having. His first daughter was supposed to move in with him since her mother has returned to drugs but now she can’t because of the homeless thing. His girlfriend just had surgery for the second time the day before because she has cancer on her face. His girlfriend’s family doesn’t like him. He doesn’t have anywhere to move to or a place to store his stuff.

All I wanted to do was help him, to take care of him, to make it okay. I offered to help him in anyway I could. I told him he could use my storage building, he could use my Aztek and trailer to move his things, I would help him find somewhere to live, or he could stay at my house until he could find something. I just had a hundred solutions to help him with his problems but none for my own. He said he would call me the next day to let me know what he needed.

Next day, he called and I took the kids over to see him at his apartment. I don’t ever go inside or even up to his door because I am still too scared/insecure/tender to meet his girlfriend. So he came outside and talked to me for almost an hour at my car. He told me that he still feels the same way about me, that his love for me wouldn’t ever go away. That he did miss our family. He said he was tired of living the way he was. I tried to tell him so many things without saying what I really wanted to say. I went home with hope and sadness in my heart. I prayed for God to show Marcos what he could have. I knew, though, he wouldn’t, but I still hoped.

He called again the next day while I was at work. I asked him if he figured anything out yet and when he will need me to help him. He said “Oh, I found a trailer for us to move into so I don’t need anything. Can I talk to the kids now?”

By this time, I had already told Amanda and Eric (probably closest thing I have to a best friend besides Amanda) what was going on. They had tried to gently caution me about hoping but I kept thinking God will take care of it. After getting off the phone, I just sat there. Eric held me for a few minutes while I cried. He tried really hard to comfort me. I thought, “Well, at least I know for sure now.”

For the next few days, when Marcos would call I would just let the kids answer right away or not answer at all if they weren’t there. Then Tuesday of this week, he called and then told Kalista to give me the phone.

Me: Hello?
Marcos: Hey, are you mad at me or something?
Me: No, why?
Marcos: I was just wondering because you weren’t talking to me and you wouldn’t say anything when I called. I thought I f**ed up again or something.
Me: No, everything is fine.
Marcos: Well, hey, do you think you could help me move my stuff tomorrow?
Me: …….
Marcos: You know, ‘cause you said you could use a trailer to move my things…
Me: Um, yeah…sure. Okay, yeah. Um, allright. Okay…What do you need me to do?

I was shocked that he would still call me and ask for help. But he said that no one else would be there to help him move. I was really nervous about helping him. I knew that Amanda would be mad at me (she was. She didn’t talk to me for like 10 minutes) and Eric would be upset with me also. I prayed for protection around my heart, for things to be good (whatever that means). I wanted so desperately for him to see that I was worth it. I wanted him to just see me.

Next day he comes to my work and we leave to get the trailer from Eric’s house. Two hours later and one trip to Abilene U-haul just in time for them to say sorry we’re closed I finally borrow my friend’s SUV that has a hitch to fit the trailer and we’re off to his apartment in Abilene. We get there and I am feeling EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go inside his apartment where they had their life. He keeps reassuring me that it is fine if I go, so finally I get out of the car and go. I was screaming inside my head that this wasn’t right. I shouldn’t be here. I just stood there looking at all of their stuff, things I never would have had in my house. Tacky mirrors (those gotta be a must-have with all Mexicans), dollar store paintings, pink everything, pool table, fake gold lamps. The kitchen had bags and bags of trash sitting on the floor, the counters, hanging from the wall. There was a rotting watermelon in the sink. It was so weird being there. I thought to myself, “There’s a reason why people don’t get to see what it’s like when ex’s move on. There’s a reason and this is it.” Then a couple who used to be our friends and are now their friends came over to help him. Very awkward. What are you supposed to say to people who only knew you as part of something that doesn’t exist anymore and now are friends with the “replacement”? I couldn’t stand any longer so I said I was going to get something to eat for the kids while they moved everything into the trailer.

I prayed the whole way to McDonald’s and back for stability, maturity, and protection. Everything was so surreal by this point. I kept thinking, “How did I get myself into moving my ex and his girlfriend? This is nearing Jerry Springer level.”

When I got back, we hooked the trailer back up to the SUV and drove it over the storage building place. Here is another kind of weird thing about this whole thing: Marcos and his gf are moving into the same motel (I guess the trailer thing fell through) that Amanda used to live in and they’re storage is at the same one Amanda & I had. What a coincidence.

When we were at the apartment I didn’t help move anything at all. I just thought it was a little beyond my capability at the time. But when we got to the storage place, I felt bad that he had to move everything by himself so I helped him put everything except their clothes into the storage room. I had to draw the line somewhere and it was evidently at touching her unmentionables. By the time we got done, it was about 11 pm and I was very ready to go home.

On the way home, I tried talking to Marcos about everything.

Me: There is a better way to live.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I mean the life you’re leading. You don’t have to worry about getting evicted, you don’t have to worry about your phoned getting turned off, or whether you’re going to eat that day, or when you’re going to see your kids again. Life wasn’t meant to be this hard to just live. There’s so much out there you could have. You could have a house, a good life.
Him: That isn’t meant for me. I’m paying for the things I’ve done, for the choices I’ve made.
Me: Marcos, there’s forgiveness…

When we get to my house, he comes inside to help me with kids. He says, “Thank you for helping me with all this. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything if you hadn’t helped. Really, thank you.” I just say, “Sure. It’s what I’m here for.” He comes closer to give me a hug and my body freezes up. I feel scared that he’s going to touch me. He does. All I could think was, “Soft. Nice. Don’t hurt me.” He then says, “Gina says ‘Thank you’ too. She really appreciates you helping us.” I felt like he punched me in my stomach. I tried to mumble something about that’s great and good bye.

I closed the door after him, locked it, then threw my keys at the wall. I wanted to scream; I took a shower instead. I made it as hot as I could stand. I let the burning water roll over me as I stood there and cried. I cried out to God.

After I got out of the shower, I looked in the Bible to find something that would comfort me and make me feel a little bit better. Of course, I found something in the first verse I found.

This is it:

2 Chronicles 20:14-20 "14Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite and descendant of Asaph, as he stood in the assembly.

15 He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 16 Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

18 Jehoshaphat bowed with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD. 19 Then some Levites from the Kohathites and Korahites stood up and praised the LORD, the God of Israel, with very loud voice.

20 Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, "Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful."

I know that the scripture is talking about a people who are about to come up against a huge army but the basis of it spoke to my heart. I wasn't facing a literal army but I was facing a huge heartache and vast disbelief in the things God has for me. It said to not be afraid because God will be with me when I come against all those things that are trying to break me. It tells me that this isn't even my battle to fight; that it is my Father's!

Lima Beans & Peach Cobbler

This use to be a very popular phrase. Well, probably not anywhere else but my home when I was in Jr. & High school. Amanda will know what I am talking about here. We use to have a stepfather who was a jerk. You know the stereo-typical stepfather that is in the movies who are mean to their wife's children? I think those stereotypes were actually based off of this man. When he would get mad at me, he would take the family to eat at restaurants but make me stay in the car while they ate inside. Or he would take my brother and sister shopping for shoes or clothes but make me stay home by myself while they went out. My brother has a slight learning disability from when he almost drowned when he was about 6 or 7 and didn't get oxygen to his brain for about 2 minutes. In jr. high when my brother was having a hard time reading his school books or homework, said step-father would yell at my brother telling him that he was stupid, dumb, or a fuck up. I moved to El Paso with my aunt for a while in my Junior year in high school because he hit me. When I came home one time during Christmas he made my mom take me to work with her where I would have to sit inside her car for her 12-hour shift. I am pretty sure that most of my issues with men stem from him. Anyway, the whole point is that he always had some whacked out catch phrase he would be continuously spitting out. He had many. For example: "You danced the dance, now it's time to play the fiddle" or "You're going to Midland because you're lying". Can anyone figure those out? I never did. Well, another one of his phrases was "You have to eat your lima beans before you can have your peach cobbler." Which, the way I understood it to be, means that we had to do the stuff we dont like (like homework, chores, etc) before we could do something we like (like talking on the phone or watching t.v.). This is one of the times that what he was trying to say actually made sense.

So, anyway, all that to say I want to start having this kind of mentality with organizing things in my life. My laundry usually piles up until I don't have any surface in my kitchen to put anything on. Now I dont really mind doing the actual laundry, I just hate putting it away. So for weeks my kids and I will get our clothes in the morning from the kitchen to get dressed. Anyway! I am going to start bribing myself to get my chores done. I can't read or watch a movie until I put away my clothes or wash the dishes or vaccummed or etc. Why am I blogging about this? No clue. Maybe to make it more tangible or for accountability reasons.

So You Think You Can Dance

Kalista and Xander REALLY love to dance. They will dance to any kind of music; country, pop, rock, techno, whatever. They get really into it. The other night the credit music was playing from one of the movies we just got done watching and they were jumping around, swirling, girating-doing all their usual moves. Just when Kalista was busting out her best moves, she accidentally punched herself in the face! I laughed for so long. These are the moments I love the most.

P.S. No children were seriously injured in the story of this blog.

PMS is from the Devil!

Well, obviously you can tell what is on my mind right now. I really do believe with all my heart that PMS is from the devil. At least I feel like I have been possessed by some demon every month. What is the deal?? My face breaks out with pimples so big and numerous they interrupt the moon's gravitational pull on the ocean's waves! I have mood swings that rival those of the girl who spews pea soup in The Exorcist. And I am a perpetual bottomless pit of junk food. I think it should it should be a law where every man should have to live as a woman for at least a week, and preferably during that time of month too!

The Right Choice

A few weeks ago, Francesca recommended a book to me called "Voice in the Wind." It is the first installment of a trilogy and I have read the other two, "Echo in the Darkness" and "As Sure As Dawn," since Francesca introduced me to the first. Those books have literally changed my life. I dont really want to go too indepth into the story but it pretty much is about a jewish girl in the time of about 70 a.d. being sold as a slave to a roman family whom serves with a love for Jesus. It's not a true story or anything but I am pretty sure it is historically accurate. Anyway, the girl in the story has a true servant's heart and a true love for Jesus. Reading about her made me feel so humble and recognize my many, many shortcomings in the way I serve at my job. Literally since the day I read the first book, I have changed my whole thinking and behavior and speaking here at work. Where I was disobedient, resentful, grudging, gossipy, or spiteful has been fully lined up with a true desire to serve. I have noticed a change in the way my boss responds to me now also. He has been saying yes a lot more and has been more kind and has even confided things in me! He showed me a project he has been working on that is very close to his heart. Another thing that he has blessed me with is allowing me to go to Six Flags tomorrow with the church youth group with my children and he is covering the cost for us. I have prayed for so long for things to change, and when I finally started following Jesus, they did.

Today something came into my path that I don't know if it is a blessing or a distraction from the enemy. A woman who attends the church I work at called and told me that there is a job open at the high school (it's her old job, she just got promoted) and she recommended me to the principal to take her place. Pros: INSURANCE!!, summers off, 401K. Cons: about $6,000 a year cut in pay, can't have my kids w/me at work, no pay during summers, and I just happen to be in love with the job I have now. Really, the only reason I am even considering that job would be because of the insurance. I am in desperate need of going to the dr. for all my medical problems I got going on. I am still trying to pay off when I went to the dr. in Feb. this spring.

Maybe I will hear God's voice when I'm riding on the Texas Giant tomorrow at Six Flags....

A Funny Thing Happened...

A funny thing happened to me the other day....

It seems like I am in a perpetual state of something funny happening to me, so I am going to start numbering those things on here. This is the first of many!!!

A couple of weeks ago, my kids and I were at the library perusing their meager collection of books. Xander comes up to me holding his his hands between his legs saying, "I gotta potty!" I told him to just go home (we live directly across from the library) go pee, then to come right back so he could pick out his book. He left and came back with amazing speed, but I didn't really think much of it. When we were leaving, I noticed a puddle right by the library door.

Xander then proclaimed loud & proud "I go potty right there, Mommy!" while pointing at the puddle.

I stood there staring at it for a moment and then started pushing him and Kalista away from the puddle as people were coming out the door right behind us. I guess Xander didn't think I heard him because he kept repeating it until we went around the corner. I think I heard one of the little girls behind us laughing. I am going to choose to believe her sister had just told her a very amusing knock-knock joke right at that moment.

What is with boys and peeing outside!? I don't get it.

Superheroes UNITE!

Yesterday, I was in the car with my kids driving back from Abilene. Xander was sitting in the front and Kalista was lying down in the back on her way to sleeping. He often talks to himself or his toys when he’s imagining some kind of scenario going on. Well, I heard him say, “Superheroes unite!” I asked him if he was playing superheroes, and he said yes. I asked him, “Xander, what superpowers do you want?” He said, “Superpowers to move windows and mirrors.” What? I have no idea what is so fascinating about moving windows or mirrors. Anyway, it got me to thinking about the superpower I would want. I would want the ability to heal. It’s perfect! I could totally heal my friends and family and then make money off of it to support my family. Yesssssssss!

So, what superpowers do you want?

By Jove, I've Got It!

So, like I finally figured out how to log into my account through my work computer. I tried to do it through Mozilla instead of IE. Dang, I sho is smart sometimes!

This is Me

The church I work at has a monthly newsletter (as do most churches). The youth director thought it would be funny to include a picture of me in there. While I do like this picture, I do not like having hundreds of people staring at it. Anyway, here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Harrassment is ILLEGAL people!

Allright, allright! People have been seriously harrassing about my absence from blogland. It's not on purpose or anything. I just have been going through some serious junk that I am still not all the way through but I am tired of being hassled about not blogging. I didnt even know that anyone even cared about it.

Anyway, where do I begin??? Maybe I will just post a whole bunch of short ones right now or one long one. I dont know yet. Let's see where this goes.

Okay, this goes back to about 2 months ago and it is really old for everyone else but since I haven't said anything about it on here or much to anyone else, AND it's my blog so I will do whatever I want, I want to talk about the BFW. I have a lot conflicting emotions about that weekend. It was very exciting since I got to give my own personal testimony in front of other women about how God has changed me inside and out. I was very nervous about the whole thing, especially since the majority of the women were college age and I never went through all that stuff. I went straight from high school to being an unmarried mother. But, as it turns out, there were tons of women who came up to me afterwards and told me how my story touched them. That night when we were worshiping, I was crying out to God to heal my heart. I just needed so much healing. He did heal me in the area of Marcos. I was finally able to release him, forigive him, and to actually bless him and his girlfriend. Talk about overcoming pride!

The next day, Thursday, was absolutely incredible. Brandi did an amazing job on the repentance talk. As usual, she clarifies the exact things that were confusing me. Then we did the Cross Nailing, which made some of our table members very unhappy. But I think they appreciated just how important it was to put that stuff out there by the end. I actually said some things out loud that I had vowed I would never talk about, not even to God. But, just to say, I haven't done those things that I repented about and I guess that is the whole point of the thing. Anyway, I'm rambling. Later we worshiped for what seemed like 12 hours. At one point, Kathi announced that she thought we should march around the room seven times just like they did in Jericho. I'm sure it was to make some kind of walls come down somewhere. Even though I was a little confused about the purpose of it, I was really into it. It was like we were all a surgining force of Christ walking/jumping/dancing/skipping/running/hopping around the room. I think it was during this worship session that I injured myself. That night when I went to bed my legs were sore, weak, and throbbing a little. I was thinking to myself that all I needed was to rest them a little and they would be better in the morning. Uh, no. That was not even close to how it was. When I tried to get up in the morning, my legs were screaming with pain. They were both swollen and hard. I had officially pulled the calf muscles in both of my legs. I was so stinking mad! I couldn't worship like I wanted to. I couldn't dance like everyone else, I couldn't worship the Lord with my whole body like I was craving to do, I couldn't even walk right. When the band (which was, by the way, the most phenomenal live band EVER, not just because it was pure women either) began playing "Undignified" I was livid! All I could do was kinda move my body in some kind of pseudo-jump that probably looked like I had to go pee but was trying to hold it in. Finally, I got so frustrated I tried to jump once to just 'test' it out.

Yeah, no. It hurt so bad I actually cussed.

I prayed to God to just heal me, heal my stupid legs. He didn't for reason unbeknownst to me. I know that there is a lesson in there somewhere, but I am not completely sure what it is. Maybe that I don't have to be so extroverted in my worshiping all the time. I do that a lot. I think that the more I jump, the more I lift my hands, or the louder I sing will mean more to God. I don't know. Anyway, so I didn't get healed by the time we left. I didn't get to go to heaven either. When Brandi knocked me out, I don't really remember anything. It's blank. I do know that Brandi was doing some serious spiritual stuff to other people. What I do remember about that is she put her hand on my head softly and I just felt myself lying down. I woke up and got up but couldn't stop shaking for some reason. I thought maybe I was cold but I was sweating. Another mystery. When Brandi made her second round and she came to me, she started hugging me and telling me I was so beautiful and she loved me. The only problem was that Brandi evidently didn't have the power to hold herself up anymore so she was leaning on me (i was still sitting on the floor) and started leaning more and more heavily on me. I was thinking "This is going to be seriously awkward if she ends up laying on top of me." so I was trying my best to stay sitting up and hold up Brandi while she was laughing hysterically.

What is really funny is that it didn't seem all that weird at the time that Brandi couldn't hold herself up, having an uncontrollable laughing fit, or that Rachel was off to the side bent over unable to stand up, or that women were saying that they felt rain drops on their hands, that Chrissy was walking around the room stepping over bodies praying and waving her hands over everyone, or that Francesca had curled up on the floor seeming to have fallen asleep in all the chaos. At one point, women were going up to the microphone declaring what they had claimed from heaven. I didn't hear one person say they had claimed the world's riches or a brand new lexus or any other materialistic item. Almost everyone's was something for a family member or for a healing. I knew what I wanted to claim but I was thinking there was no way in heck I was going to get up and announce it. I heard in my ear, a very audible voice say "How can you expect to get something you won't even risk your pride for?" WARNING! WARNING! IF A MALE, DO NOT READ NEXT SENTENCE! I stood up and went to the mic, apologized to Francesca (she gets really embarrassed about the word) and declared that I was claiming a new vagina from heaven. It's what I want, allright? Rachel later told me that she was wondering what that room looked like.... I'm still praying for that and believing something will happen in "that area. "

A really, really good thing I liked about the weekend was I was able to get to know Trish Trueblood better. We had said hi or how are you in the past but we never just talked. I got to know her and what she was about. I had kind of judged her in the past. Okay okay, I totally judged her without even a second thought. I came clean with her though and apologized for doing that since she was not at all like I thought she was. We still havent been able to hang out as much as I would like, but that is on account of her being a seriously busy woman.

Okay, that Sunday's worship is beyond anything I can describe accurately. It is definitely a case of "You had to be there to believe it" It was so completely and totally amazing. I dont know who it was, (i think bryan) announced during worship that all the women should line up to make a Fire Tunnel and for the men to go through it. It was just awesome. All the women prayed over every person who came through. I'm not sure what the other women were saying to the men, but I kept saying things that I had no idea where they came from. I gave many men words who I didn't even know. I was feeling disappointed in the weekend since I didn't get healed and I didn't feel a huge change in me like I did last year. But when we did the fire tunnel, it was like my spirit had been lifted to the heavens. I felt God's love flowing through me out to the people we touched, prayed over, and loved on coming through the Fire Tunnel. When Bryan came through, tears just started flowing because of the immense love I could feel God had for him. A minute later I was laughing because Bryan was on the floor having succumbed to the Holy Spirit. (side note: Later, I told Amanda that a perk about the Fire Tunnel was that I got to touch a lot of nice, firm muscles. :) It's been awhile. Don't judge me!)

I remember thinking: This is heaven. This is what real heaven is like. Praying over each other and loving the Lord hardcore. I didn't want it to stop. When we were all called to go back to our seats, Bryan still hadn't quite got full control of himself. Evidently neither had Rachel or Brandi because a few minutes into when Bryan was talking I saw Brandi stand up and walk back to sit with her family; Rachel was sitting on the floor laughing for a little while. I tried to think of how it would be for a first-timer. I don't know if I would have been horrified or fascinated. Probably both. I love my church.

If this blog entry was a movie the ending would like this: Me jumping with my fist pumped in the air, yelling out "YEAH!" then freeze frame while the credits start rolling.