A few weeks ago, Francesca recommended a book to me called "Voice in the Wind." It is the first installment of a trilogy and I have read the other two, "Echo in the Darkness" and "As Sure As Dawn," since Francesca introduced me to the first. Those books have literally changed my life. I dont really want to go too indepth into the story but it pretty much is about a jewish girl in the time of about 70 a.d. being sold as a slave to a roman family whom serves with a love for Jesus. It's not a true story or anything but I am pretty sure it is historically accurate. Anyway, the girl in the story has a true servant's heart and a true love for Jesus. Reading about her made me feel so humble and recognize my many, many shortcomings in the way I serve at my job. Literally since the day I read the first book, I have changed my whole thinking and behavior and speaking here at work. Where I was disobedient, resentful, grudging, gossipy, or spiteful has been fully lined up with a true desire to serve. I have noticed a change in the way my boss responds to me now also. He has been saying yes a lot more and has been more kind and has even confided things in me! He showed me a project he has been working on that is very close to his heart. Another thing that he has blessed me with is allowing me to go to Six Flags tomorrow with the church youth group with my children and he is covering the cost for us. I have prayed for so long for things to change, and when I finally started following Jesus, they did.
Today something came into my path that I don't know if it is a blessing or a distraction from the enemy. A woman who attends the church I work at called and told me that there is a job open at the high school (it's her old job, she just got promoted) and she recommended me to the principal to take her place. Pros: INSURANCE!!, summers off, 401K. Cons: about $6,000 a year cut in pay, can't have my kids w/me at work, no pay during summers, and I just happen to be in love with the job I have now. Really, the only reason I am even considering that job would be because of the insurance. I am in desperate need of going to the dr. for all my medical problems I got going on. I am still trying to pay off when I went to the dr. in Feb. this spring.
Maybe I will hear God's voice when I'm riding on the Texas Giant tomorrow at Six Flags....
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
A Funny Thing Happened...
A funny thing happened to me the other day....
It seems like I am in a perpetual state of something funny happening to me, so I am going to start numbering those things on here. This is the first of many!!!
A couple of weeks ago, my kids and I were at the library perusing their meager collection of books. Xander comes up to me holding his his hands between his legs saying, "I gotta potty!" I told him to just go home (we live directly across from the library) go pee, then to come right back so he could pick out his book. He left and came back with amazing speed, but I didn't really think much of it. When we were leaving, I noticed a puddle right by the library door.
Xander then proclaimed loud & proud "I go potty right there, Mommy!" while pointing at the puddle.
I stood there staring at it for a moment and then started pushing him and Kalista away from the puddle as people were coming out the door right behind us. I guess Xander didn't think I heard him because he kept repeating it until we went around the corner. I think I heard one of the little girls behind us laughing. I am going to choose to believe her sister had just told her a very amusing knock-knock joke right at that moment.
What is with boys and peeing outside!? I don't get it.
It seems like I am in a perpetual state of something funny happening to me, so I am going to start numbering those things on here. This is the first of many!!!
A couple of weeks ago, my kids and I were at the library perusing their meager collection of books. Xander comes up to me holding his his hands between his legs saying, "I gotta potty!" I told him to just go home (we live directly across from the library) go pee, then to come right back so he could pick out his book. He left and came back with amazing speed, but I didn't really think much of it. When we were leaving, I noticed a puddle right by the library door.
Xander then proclaimed loud & proud "I go potty right there, Mommy!" while pointing at the puddle.
I stood there staring at it for a moment and then started pushing him and Kalista away from the puddle as people were coming out the door right behind us. I guess Xander didn't think I heard him because he kept repeating it until we went around the corner. I think I heard one of the little girls behind us laughing. I am going to choose to believe her sister had just told her a very amusing knock-knock joke right at that moment.
What is with boys and peeing outside!? I don't get it.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Superheroes UNITE!
Yesterday, I was in the car with my kids driving back from
So, what superpowers do you want?
By Jove, I've Got It!
So, like I finally figured out how to log into my account through my work computer. I tried to do it through Mozilla instead of IE. Dang, I sho is smart sometimes!
This is Me
The church I work at has a monthly newsletter (as do most churches). The youth director thought it would be funny to include a picture of me in there. While I do like this picture, I do not like having hundreds of people staring at it. Anyway, here it is for your viewing pleasure.
Harrassment is ILLEGAL people!
Allright, allright! People have been seriously harrassing about my absence from blogland. It's not on purpose or anything. I just have been going through some serious junk that I am still not all the way through but I am tired of being hassled about not blogging. I didnt even know that anyone even cared about it.
Anyway, where do I begin??? Maybe I will just post a whole bunch of short ones right now or one long one. I dont know yet. Let's see where this goes.
Okay, this goes back to about 2 months ago and it is really old for everyone else but since I haven't said anything about it on here or much to anyone else, AND it's my blog so I will do whatever I want, I want to talk about the BFW. I have a lot conflicting emotions about that weekend. It was very exciting since I got to give my own personal testimony in front of other women about how God has changed me inside and out. I was very nervous about the whole thing, especially since the majority of the women were college age and I never went through all that stuff. I went straight from high school to being an unmarried mother. But, as it turns out, there were tons of women who came up to me afterwards and told me how my story touched them. That night when we were worshiping, I was crying out to God to heal my heart. I just needed so much healing. He did heal me in the area of Marcos. I was finally able to release him, forigive him, and to actually bless him and his girlfriend. Talk about overcoming pride!
The next day, Thursday, was absolutely incredible. Brandi did an amazing job on the repentance talk. As usual, she clarifies the exact things that were confusing me. Then we did the Cross Nailing, which made some of our table members very unhappy. But I think they appreciated just how important it was to put that stuff out there by the end. I actually said some things out loud that I had vowed I would never talk about, not even to God. But, just to say, I haven't done those things that I repented about and I guess that is the whole point of the thing. Anyway, I'm rambling. Later we worshiped for what seemed like 12 hours. At one point, Kathi announced that she thought we should march around the room seven times just like they did in Jericho. I'm sure it was to make some kind of walls come down somewhere. Even though I was a little confused about the purpose of it, I was really into it. It was like we were all a surgining force of Christ walking/jumping/dancing/skipping/running/hopping around the room. I think it was during this worship session that I injured myself. That night when I went to bed my legs were sore, weak, and throbbing a little. I was thinking to myself that all I needed was to rest them a little and they would be better in the morning. Uh, no. That was not even close to how it was. When I tried to get up in the morning, my legs were screaming with pain. They were both swollen and hard. I had officially pulled the calf muscles in both of my legs. I was so stinking mad! I couldn't worship like I wanted to. I couldn't dance like everyone else, I couldn't worship the Lord with my whole body like I was craving to do, I couldn't even walk right. When the band (which was, by the way, the most phenomenal live band EVER, not just because it was pure women either) began playing "Undignified" I was livid! All I could do was kinda move my body in some kind of pseudo-jump that probably looked like I had to go pee but was trying to hold it in. Finally, I got so frustrated I tried to jump once to just 'test' it out.
Yeah, no. It hurt so bad I actually cussed.
I prayed to God to just heal me, heal my stupid legs. He didn't for reason unbeknownst to me. I know that there is a lesson in there somewhere, but I am not completely sure what it is. Maybe that I don't have to be so extroverted in my worshiping all the time. I do that a lot. I think that the more I jump, the more I lift my hands, or the louder I sing will mean more to God. I don't know. Anyway, so I didn't get healed by the time we left. I didn't get to go to heaven either. When Brandi knocked me out, I don't really remember anything. It's blank. I do know that Brandi was doing some serious spiritual stuff to other people. What I do remember about that is she put her hand on my head softly and I just felt myself lying down. I woke up and got up but couldn't stop shaking for some reason. I thought maybe I was cold but I was sweating. Another mystery. When Brandi made her second round and she came to me, she started hugging me and telling me I was so beautiful and she loved me. The only problem was that Brandi evidently didn't have the power to hold herself up anymore so she was leaning on me (i was still sitting on the floor) and started leaning more and more heavily on me. I was thinking "This is going to be seriously awkward if she ends up laying on top of me." so I was trying my best to stay sitting up and hold up Brandi while she was laughing hysterically.
What is really funny is that it didn't seem all that weird at the time that Brandi couldn't hold herself up, having an uncontrollable laughing fit, or that Rachel was off to the side bent over unable to stand up, or that women were saying that they felt rain drops on their hands, that Chrissy was walking around the room stepping over bodies praying and waving her hands over everyone, or that Francesca had curled up on the floor seeming to have fallen asleep in all the chaos. At one point, women were going up to the microphone declaring what they had claimed from heaven. I didn't hear one person say they had claimed the world's riches or a brand new lexus or any other materialistic item. Almost everyone's was something for a family member or for a healing. I knew what I wanted to claim but I was thinking there was no way in heck I was going to get up and announce it. I heard in my ear, a very audible voice say "How can you expect to get something you won't even risk your pride for?" WARNING! WARNING! IF A MALE, DO NOT READ NEXT SENTENCE! I stood up and went to the mic, apologized to Francesca (she gets really embarrassed about the word) and declared that I was claiming a new vagina from heaven. It's what I want, allright? Rachel later told me that she was wondering what that room looked like.... I'm still praying for that and believing something will happen in "that area. "
A really, really good thing I liked about the weekend was I was able to get to know Trish Trueblood better. We had said hi or how are you in the past but we never just talked. I got to know her and what she was about. I had kind of judged her in the past. Okay okay, I totally judged her without even a second thought. I came clean with her though and apologized for doing that since she was not at all like I thought she was. We still havent been able to hang out as much as I would like, but that is on account of her being a seriously busy woman.
Okay, that Sunday's worship is beyond anything I can describe accurately. It is definitely a case of "You had to be there to believe it" It was so completely and totally amazing. I dont know who it was, (i think bryan) announced during worship that all the women should line up to make a Fire Tunnel and for the men to go through it. It was just awesome. All the women prayed over every person who came through. I'm not sure what the other women were saying to the men, but I kept saying things that I had no idea where they came from. I gave many men words who I didn't even know. I was feeling disappointed in the weekend since I didn't get healed and I didn't feel a huge change in me like I did last year. But when we did the fire tunnel, it was like my spirit had been lifted to the heavens. I felt God's love flowing through me out to the people we touched, prayed over, and loved on coming through the Fire Tunnel. When Bryan came through, tears just started flowing because of the immense love I could feel God had for him. A minute later I was laughing because Bryan was on the floor having succumbed to the Holy Spirit. (side note: Later, I told Amanda that a perk about the Fire Tunnel was that I got to touch a lot of nice, firm muscles. :) It's been awhile. Don't judge me!)
I remember thinking: This is heaven. This is what real heaven is like. Praying over each other and loving the Lord hardcore. I didn't want it to stop. When we were all called to go back to our seats, Bryan still hadn't quite got full control of himself. Evidently neither had Rachel or Brandi because a few minutes into when Bryan was talking I saw Brandi stand up and walk back to sit with her family; Rachel was sitting on the floor laughing for a little while. I tried to think of how it would be for a first-timer. I don't know if I would have been horrified or fascinated. Probably both. I love my church.
If this blog entry was a movie the ending would like this: Me jumping with my fist pumped in the air, yelling out "YEAH!" then freeze frame while the credits start rolling.
Anyway, where do I begin??? Maybe I will just post a whole bunch of short ones right now or one long one. I dont know yet. Let's see where this goes.
Okay, this goes back to about 2 months ago and it is really old for everyone else but since I haven't said anything about it on here or much to anyone else, AND it's my blog so I will do whatever I want, I want to talk about the BFW. I have a lot conflicting emotions about that weekend. It was very exciting since I got to give my own personal testimony in front of other women about how God has changed me inside and out. I was very nervous about the whole thing, especially since the majority of the women were college age and I never went through all that stuff. I went straight from high school to being an unmarried mother. But, as it turns out, there were tons of women who came up to me afterwards and told me how my story touched them. That night when we were worshiping, I was crying out to God to heal my heart. I just needed so much healing. He did heal me in the area of Marcos. I was finally able to release him, forigive him, and to actually bless him and his girlfriend. Talk about overcoming pride!
The next day, Thursday, was absolutely incredible. Brandi did an amazing job on the repentance talk. As usual, she clarifies the exact things that were confusing me. Then we did the Cross Nailing, which made some of our table members very unhappy. But I think they appreciated just how important it was to put that stuff out there by the end. I actually said some things out loud that I had vowed I would never talk about, not even to God. But, just to say, I haven't done those things that I repented about and I guess that is the whole point of the thing. Anyway, I'm rambling. Later we worshiped for what seemed like 12 hours. At one point, Kathi announced that she thought we should march around the room seven times just like they did in Jericho. I'm sure it was to make some kind of walls come down somewhere. Even though I was a little confused about the purpose of it, I was really into it. It was like we were all a surgining force of Christ walking/jumping/dancing/skipping/running/hopping around the room. I think it was during this worship session that I injured myself. That night when I went to bed my legs were sore, weak, and throbbing a little. I was thinking to myself that all I needed was to rest them a little and they would be better in the morning. Uh, no. That was not even close to how it was. When I tried to get up in the morning, my legs were screaming with pain. They were both swollen and hard. I had officially pulled the calf muscles in both of my legs. I was so stinking mad! I couldn't worship like I wanted to. I couldn't dance like everyone else, I couldn't worship the Lord with my whole body like I was craving to do, I couldn't even walk right. When the band (which was, by the way, the most phenomenal live band EVER, not just because it was pure women either) began playing "Undignified" I was livid! All I could do was kinda move my body in some kind of pseudo-jump that probably looked like I had to go pee but was trying to hold it in. Finally, I got so frustrated I tried to jump once to just 'test' it out.
Yeah, no. It hurt so bad I actually cussed.
I prayed to God to just heal me, heal my stupid legs. He didn't for reason unbeknownst to me. I know that there is a lesson in there somewhere, but I am not completely sure what it is. Maybe that I don't have to be so extroverted in my worshiping all the time. I do that a lot. I think that the more I jump, the more I lift my hands, or the louder I sing will mean more to God. I don't know. Anyway, so I didn't get healed by the time we left. I didn't get to go to heaven either. When Brandi knocked me out, I don't really remember anything. It's blank. I do know that Brandi was doing some serious spiritual stuff to other people. What I do remember about that is she put her hand on my head softly and I just felt myself lying down. I woke up and got up but couldn't stop shaking for some reason. I thought maybe I was cold but I was sweating. Another mystery. When Brandi made her second round and she came to me, she started hugging me and telling me I was so beautiful and she loved me. The only problem was that Brandi evidently didn't have the power to hold herself up anymore so she was leaning on me (i was still sitting on the floor) and started leaning more and more heavily on me. I was thinking "This is going to be seriously awkward if she ends up laying on top of me." so I was trying my best to stay sitting up and hold up Brandi while she was laughing hysterically.
What is really funny is that it didn't seem all that weird at the time that Brandi couldn't hold herself up, having an uncontrollable laughing fit, or that Rachel was off to the side bent over unable to stand up, or that women were saying that they felt rain drops on their hands, that Chrissy was walking around the room stepping over bodies praying and waving her hands over everyone, or that Francesca had curled up on the floor seeming to have fallen asleep in all the chaos. At one point, women were going up to the microphone declaring what they had claimed from heaven. I didn't hear one person say they had claimed the world's riches or a brand new lexus or any other materialistic item. Almost everyone's was something for a family member or for a healing. I knew what I wanted to claim but I was thinking there was no way in heck I was going to get up and announce it. I heard in my ear, a very audible voice say "How can you expect to get something you won't even risk your pride for?" WARNING! WARNING! IF A MALE, DO NOT READ NEXT SENTENCE! I stood up and went to the mic, apologized to Francesca (she gets really embarrassed about the word) and declared that I was claiming a new vagina from heaven. It's what I want, allright? Rachel later told me that she was wondering what that room looked like.... I'm still praying for that and believing something will happen in "that area. "
A really, really good thing I liked about the weekend was I was able to get to know Trish Trueblood better. We had said hi or how are you in the past but we never just talked. I got to know her and what she was about. I had kind of judged her in the past. Okay okay, I totally judged her without even a second thought. I came clean with her though and apologized for doing that since she was not at all like I thought she was. We still havent been able to hang out as much as I would like, but that is on account of her being a seriously busy woman.
Okay, that Sunday's worship is beyond anything I can describe accurately. It is definitely a case of "You had to be there to believe it" It was so completely and totally amazing. I dont know who it was, (i think bryan) announced during worship that all the women should line up to make a Fire Tunnel and for the men to go through it. It was just awesome. All the women prayed over every person who came through. I'm not sure what the other women were saying to the men, but I kept saying things that I had no idea where they came from. I gave many men words who I didn't even know. I was feeling disappointed in the weekend since I didn't get healed and I didn't feel a huge change in me like I did last year. But when we did the fire tunnel, it was like my spirit had been lifted to the heavens. I felt God's love flowing through me out to the people we touched, prayed over, and loved on coming through the Fire Tunnel. When Bryan came through, tears just started flowing because of the immense love I could feel God had for him. A minute later I was laughing because Bryan was on the floor having succumbed to the Holy Spirit. (side note: Later, I told Amanda that a perk about the Fire Tunnel was that I got to touch a lot of nice, firm muscles. :) It's been awhile. Don't judge me!)
I remember thinking: This is heaven. This is what real heaven is like. Praying over each other and loving the Lord hardcore. I didn't want it to stop. When we were all called to go back to our seats, Bryan still hadn't quite got full control of himself. Evidently neither had Rachel or Brandi because a few minutes into when Bryan was talking I saw Brandi stand up and walk back to sit with her family; Rachel was sitting on the floor laughing for a little while. I tried to think of how it would be for a first-timer. I don't know if I would have been horrified or fascinated. Probably both. I love my church.
If this blog entry was a movie the ending would like this: Me jumping with my fist pumped in the air, yelling out "YEAH!" then freeze frame while the credits start rolling.
Friday, May 25, 2007
A Day in the Life of a Church Secretary
This whole series of events takes place on Tuesday, May 22.
I was on the way to the elementary school to drop off the kids when Kalista reminded me that I was supposed to bring bowls for the end of the year ice cream party. I tried to figure out if it would be best to turn around right then or drop them off first then bring the bowls to the school. A quick look at the clock and I decided I didn’t have enough time to turn around without making the kids tardy once again. So we get to the elementary and I pull in to the parking lot and wait for my kids to make their way across the little road. Then I hurriedly BUT cautiously try to make it back to my house to get those bowls. I very rarely contribute to any school functions because of my work schedule so taking those bowls was very significant to me and I felt a tremendous amount of pride in being responsible for supplying her class with the bowls. A little dramatic, yes; but, hey, it’s me. Anyway, so I race back up to the school but being very careful not to go over 40 mph because of our Nazi cops in Clyde. I seriously feel like I am saving the day at the ice cream party when my little dream bubble is punctured. Waiting in the lobby are several women carrying cakes and assorted goodies for the party. These are no ordinary cakes either. Oh, no, they couldn’t be regular rectangle vanilla/chocolate cakes. There was a cake in the shape of a basketball (an actual sphere, people!) with m&m’s to mark the lines. There was a castle cake complete with flowing flags and a princess on top waving a handkerchief to a prince on mini-steed at the bottom. There was a cake made into some kind of mountain with dirt bikes and such things. There was one that I couldn’t quite figure out though. I don’t know if it was some kind of abstract art cake or if it just got messed up somehow. So there I was staring at these SuperMoms holding my rinky-dinky 50 count bag of Styrofoam bowls… Can someone say Inferiority Complex???
After I leave there, I try drive to work as fast as humanly possible, without going over 40 mph, since it was already 8:15 and I am supposed to open the office at 8:00. As soon as I get into the office, the phone starts ringing nonstop. There was a funeral scheduled at 1:30 pm and everyone is trying to get the details straight and I am trying to get my stuff together as well. This week was already going to be a major hassle because the pastor is going to be out all next week so I needed to have two weeks’ worth of bulletins, monthly newsletter, and payroll completed by Thursday so he could proof and approve it. I didn’t get ANYTHING done on Monday because I was pretty much worthless after the BFW and I was hobbling around since my legs were still hurting.
Well, at about 10 o’clock two members of the church come in. They are a super-sweet couple who have been married for over 50 years. Every time they come in, they tell me all kinds of stories of their travels. They have been all over the world and I love to hear about it all. So, were sitting there and their telling me about the German language when the conversation kind of dwindles. I start telling them about how much I love all this rainy weather and how cool it’s been because I don’t really like hot weather when the husband says, “Well, you should be used to hot weather. Aren’t you Mexican? Don’t Mexicans work outside all the time?” I didn’t even get what he was saying at first. I was just in shock. First, I have never done one single day of outside work ever in my whole entire life. Second, I’m not really all that Mexican. I certainly don’t look it and I don’t know how to speak Spanish. I just kind of laughed it off with him but I was still amazed that people would say that kind of stuff. Crazy.
At 11:30, one of the guys from our accounting firm had to come pick up our deposit from Sunday. Now, this man is very much the typical accounting guy. He is always very clean, every hair in place, his clothes are perfectly ironed, and starched. He is just very proper and precise. When he walked in the door, the very first thing I noticed was that his zipper was wide open and his shirt was coming out. I had no idea what to say! I wanted to tell him but I just knew he would be so humiliated and I didn’t want to deal with that whole awkwardness afterwards. So, I was too chicken to say anything and I let him walk out with it still open.
About this time, all the people for the funeral were showing up. I left for lunch and hoped my afternoon would be less hectic. When I came back, things at the office were even crazier. There were people bringing flowers, food, and a dead body. There were people in the Sanctuary who were practicing their songs for the funeral and then broke out in some kind of 50’s songs for the heck of it. Then an older lady (who works for the funeral home) fell off the porch that leads into the foyer. It wasn’t a very lady like fall either. I was sitting in my office looking out the window watching everyone outside when she just spontaneously fell, and she fell hard. I could actually hear it inside the office. When she got up, I could see she was bleeding from her hands and shins. The thing she was most upset about was her pantyhose because she only had blue spare pantyhose and she was wearing black. She also said she didn’t want to bleed in front of people at the funeral, said it was in bad taste… What??? Anyway, so the funeral starts promptly at 1:30 and because the mics in the Sanctuary are connected to a speaker in my off, I can hear everything that is going on in there. When people called the office, they got to hear the eulogy as well. For some unknown reason, “they” decided to park the body right in the foyer, which happens to block me in my office. Then suddenly at 1:58, I remember that my kids had an early release day at school that day. The reason I remembered this? I saw them walking up the sidewalk. I began panicking about how I am going to get them into the office without disturbing the funeral and without traumatizing them either. I ran out there to meet them at the door and quickly usher them into my office. They were really confused and Kalista was asking questions. She’s only been to one funeral and that was when she was 3, so she doesn’t remember. The funeral ends, but people are milling about and the body stays right in front of my door. I was getting seriously creeped out. Someone actually invited me to go look at it. I politely declined, while inside I was making barfing noises. Finally, after what seemed an insurmountable time, they wheeled the body out.
After that, things calmed down until 4:00. I thought I was going to make it the rest of the day without any more incidents, but no. A parishioner came in to talk to me about why we didn’t have a graduation celebration for two boys who graduated from college last week when we celebrated for two other boys who graduated from high school. I tried to explain to her that we had no notification of their graduation and those boys don’t even attend our church. It was futile though, so I just said I would tell the pastor about it. Now, normally, this woman is dressed very nicely. She’s the one who complained because our new youth director didn’t dress nice enough. She also told me that it bothered her that women wear anything but dresses to church. So I was kind of surprised when she walked into the office wearing sweatpants and a shirt with holes in it. She was scratching her leg a lot so I asked if she had mosquito bites like everyone else right now. She said no, that she had sores on her legs that were very itchy and then proceeded to lift her 84-year-old leg onto my desk and show me said sores on a very up-close level. She said she had them all over her legs. I guess in demonstration of just how itchy they were, she scratched one until it began to bleed. Nice. Then while motioning around her nether regions, she told me that she had several “there.” Also, in another demonstration, she showed a way she came up with being able to scratch without anyone really noticing. Extra nice. The whole time, I was thinking “What kind of hell am I in today??” It’s like I was stuck in some kind of Twilight Zone episode.
Thankfully, the bells rang for five o’clock shortly after that and I was able to go home to the security of my home.
I was on the way to the elementary school to drop off the kids when Kalista reminded me that I was supposed to bring bowls for the end of the year ice cream party. I tried to figure out if it would be best to turn around right then or drop them off first then bring the bowls to the school. A quick look at the clock and I decided I didn’t have enough time to turn around without making the kids tardy once again. So we get to the elementary and I pull in to the parking lot and wait for my kids to make their way across the little road. Then I hurriedly BUT cautiously try to make it back to my house to get those bowls. I very rarely contribute to any school functions because of my work schedule so taking those bowls was very significant to me and I felt a tremendous amount of pride in being responsible for supplying her class with the bowls. A little dramatic, yes; but, hey, it’s me. Anyway, so I race back up to the school but being very careful not to go over 40 mph because of our Nazi cops in Clyde. I seriously feel like I am saving the day at the ice cream party when my little dream bubble is punctured. Waiting in the lobby are several women carrying cakes and assorted goodies for the party. These are no ordinary cakes either. Oh, no, they couldn’t be regular rectangle vanilla/chocolate cakes. There was a cake in the shape of a basketball (an actual sphere, people!) with m&m’s to mark the lines. There was a castle cake complete with flowing flags and a princess on top waving a handkerchief to a prince on mini-steed at the bottom. There was a cake made into some kind of mountain with dirt bikes and such things. There was one that I couldn’t quite figure out though. I don’t know if it was some kind of abstract art cake or if it just got messed up somehow. So there I was staring at these SuperMoms holding my rinky-dinky 50 count bag of Styrofoam bowls… Can someone say Inferiority Complex???
After I leave there, I try drive to work as fast as humanly possible, without going over 40 mph, since it was already 8:15 and I am supposed to open the office at 8:00. As soon as I get into the office, the phone starts ringing nonstop. There was a funeral scheduled at 1:30 pm and everyone is trying to get the details straight and I am trying to get my stuff together as well. This week was already going to be a major hassle because the pastor is going to be out all next week so I needed to have two weeks’ worth of bulletins, monthly newsletter, and payroll completed by Thursday so he could proof and approve it. I didn’t get ANYTHING done on Monday because I was pretty much worthless after the BFW and I was hobbling around since my legs were still hurting.
Well, at about 10 o’clock two members of the church come in. They are a super-sweet couple who have been married for over 50 years. Every time they come in, they tell me all kinds of stories of their travels. They have been all over the world and I love to hear about it all. So, were sitting there and their telling me about the German language when the conversation kind of dwindles. I start telling them about how much I love all this rainy weather and how cool it’s been because I don’t really like hot weather when the husband says, “Well, you should be used to hot weather. Aren’t you Mexican? Don’t Mexicans work outside all the time?” I didn’t even get what he was saying at first. I was just in shock. First, I have never done one single day of outside work ever in my whole entire life. Second, I’m not really all that Mexican. I certainly don’t look it and I don’t know how to speak Spanish. I just kind of laughed it off with him but I was still amazed that people would say that kind of stuff. Crazy.
At 11:30, one of the guys from our accounting firm had to come pick up our deposit from Sunday. Now, this man is very much the typical accounting guy. He is always very clean, every hair in place, his clothes are perfectly ironed, and starched. He is just very proper and precise. When he walked in the door, the very first thing I noticed was that his zipper was wide open and his shirt was coming out. I had no idea what to say! I wanted to tell him but I just knew he would be so humiliated and I didn’t want to deal with that whole awkwardness afterwards. So, I was too chicken to say anything and I let him walk out with it still open.
About this time, all the people for the funeral were showing up. I left for lunch and hoped my afternoon would be less hectic. When I came back, things at the office were even crazier. There were people bringing flowers, food, and a dead body. There were people in the Sanctuary who were practicing their songs for the funeral and then broke out in some kind of 50’s songs for the heck of it. Then an older lady (who works for the funeral home) fell off the porch that leads into the foyer. It wasn’t a very lady like fall either. I was sitting in my office looking out the window watching everyone outside when she just spontaneously fell, and she fell hard. I could actually hear it inside the office. When she got up, I could see she was bleeding from her hands and shins. The thing she was most upset about was her pantyhose because she only had blue spare pantyhose and she was wearing black. She also said she didn’t want to bleed in front of people at the funeral, said it was in bad taste… What??? Anyway, so the funeral starts promptly at 1:30 and because the mics in the Sanctuary are connected to a speaker in my off, I can hear everything that is going on in there. When people called the office, they got to hear the eulogy as well. For some unknown reason, “they” decided to park the body right in the foyer, which happens to block me in my office. Then suddenly at 1:58, I remember that my kids had an early release day at school that day. The reason I remembered this? I saw them walking up the sidewalk. I began panicking about how I am going to get them into the office without disturbing the funeral and without traumatizing them either. I ran out there to meet them at the door and quickly usher them into my office. They were really confused and Kalista was asking questions. She’s only been to one funeral and that was when she was 3, so she doesn’t remember. The funeral ends, but people are milling about and the body stays right in front of my door. I was getting seriously creeped out. Someone actually invited me to go look at it. I politely declined, while inside I was making barfing noises. Finally, after what seemed an insurmountable time, they wheeled the body out.
After that, things calmed down until 4:00. I thought I was going to make it the rest of the day without any more incidents, but no. A parishioner came in to talk to me about why we didn’t have a graduation celebration for two boys who graduated from college last week when we celebrated for two other boys who graduated from high school. I tried to explain to her that we had no notification of their graduation and those boys don’t even attend our church. It was futile though, so I just said I would tell the pastor about it. Now, normally, this woman is dressed very nicely. She’s the one who complained because our new youth director didn’t dress nice enough. She also told me that it bothered her that women wear anything but dresses to church. So I was kind of surprised when she walked into the office wearing sweatpants and a shirt with holes in it. She was scratching her leg a lot so I asked if she had mosquito bites like everyone else right now. She said no, that she had sores on her legs that were very itchy and then proceeded to lift her 84-year-old leg onto my desk and show me said sores on a very up-close level. She said she had them all over her legs. I guess in demonstration of just how itchy they were, she scratched one until it began to bleed. Nice. Then while motioning around her nether regions, she told me that she had several “there.” Also, in another demonstration, she showed a way she came up with being able to scratch without anyone really noticing. Extra nice. The whole time, I was thinking “What kind of hell am I in today??” It’s like I was stuck in some kind of Twilight Zone episode.
Thankfully, the bells rang for five o’clock shortly after that and I was able to go home to the security of my home.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
T-Minus 26 Hours
Okay, guys. Please please please pray for me. I am becoming increasingly more and more nervous about standing up in front of everyone and talking about my personal junk.
On another note, I had a personal breakthrough in my faith yesterday. I have a habit of calling someone, anyone to pray for me or with me whenever I come into a stressful situation. The first thing I do is pick up the phone to talk it out. Well yesterday I got into another argument with my kids' father. I was getting very angry, yelling at him, and then just hung up on him. After getting off the phone, I was crying, asking for God to somehow break Marcos' legs and heal my heartache. Then I started calling some of my friends to ask for advice and prayer. No one answered. Seriously, I called like 6 people but no one answered the phone. During all this, my emotions were a mess! I was feeling sorry for myself, angry at me and at Marcos, and just unstable. So, after the 6th person didn't answer, I finally yelled, "Fine!! I'll just do it myself!" I prayed about what the best thing would be to do and for me to have a listening ear.
Guess what?
I heard.
I called him back and calmly told him that I was sorry for yelling and cussing, that we needed to just talk like rational adults instead of teenagers, and I wanted to explain to him why I was getting so upset. After that, the conversation was so much easier and I had such peace in my heart. He even opened up to me some.
I feel so sorry for my mother. If I am giving God such a hard time, can you imagine what it was like for her???
On another note, I had a personal breakthrough in my faith yesterday. I have a habit of calling someone, anyone to pray for me or with me whenever I come into a stressful situation. The first thing I do is pick up the phone to talk it out. Well yesterday I got into another argument with my kids' father. I was getting very angry, yelling at him, and then just hung up on him. After getting off the phone, I was crying, asking for God to somehow break Marcos' legs and heal my heartache. Then I started calling some of my friends to ask for advice and prayer. No one answered. Seriously, I called like 6 people but no one answered the phone. During all this, my emotions were a mess! I was feeling sorry for myself, angry at me and at Marcos, and just unstable. So, after the 6th person didn't answer, I finally yelled, "Fine!! I'll just do it myself!" I prayed about what the best thing would be to do and for me to have a listening ear.
Guess what?
I heard.
I called him back and calmly told him that I was sorry for yelling and cussing, that we needed to just talk like rational adults instead of teenagers, and I wanted to explain to him why I was getting so upset. After that, the conversation was so much easier and I had such peace in my heart. He even opened up to me some.
I feel so sorry for my mother. If I am giving God such a hard time, can you imagine what it was like for her???
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Hope, Dreams, and Everything in Between
I have been hearing a lot of talk about people hoping, dreaming, and believing in things to come. When I would hear others talk about having those dreams for the future, I realized that I had no dreams. I didn’t dream of someday being rich, or being the best at something, or even for something greater than where I am at now. I also realized that I believed a lie that I didn’t even know I believed: That things of greatness and abundance were not for me. At first I didn’t even know what I could possibly hope or dream for. I was thinking that there was nothing that could be done about my life and the way it is. There I was again limiting God and what He could do by putting my limits on Him. What the heck is wrong with me? I mean, come on! If He could split the Red Sea, then He could surely produce a few measly requests of mine! So here is my list of things I am believing for. Enjoy!
--Confidence in myself. I will be confident in my own skin and be strong in situations where I usually just fold into a crumpled mess.
--A job that is different than this one. There are things about this one that are better suited for someone with a different personality type. But I only want to leave this job if it is the Lord’s will. If a new job isn’t His will, then I want to be equipped with new “tools” to handle situations.
--A computer for my home. Maybe a laptop. I don’t know.
--A solution for my daycare problem for my kids for during the summer where I don’t feel guilty about pawning them off on other people.
--Total and complete healing over my entire body. I am sick and tired of dealing with these stupid female troubles.
--A serious situation to arise where I will have cause to shave my legs….
--Clean, clear, blemish free skin PERMANENTLY
--A supernaturally increased metabolism
--Less hair where I don’t want it and more where I do
--A new home. I need it to be bigger, better air conditioned, cheaper, and windows able to be opened so my sister can live with me
--Child support!!!!!!
Some of it seems kinda silly, but I am totally claiming it. Every night and morning I am going to pray these things into existence. Just like Rachel, I will be keeping track of each prayer answered.
--Confidence in myself. I will be confident in my own skin and be strong in situations where I usually just fold into a crumpled mess.
--A job that is different than this one. There are things about this one that are better suited for someone with a different personality type. But I only want to leave this job if it is the Lord’s will. If a new job isn’t His will, then I want to be equipped with new “tools” to handle situations.
--A computer for my home. Maybe a laptop. I don’t know.
--A solution for my daycare problem for my kids for during the summer where I don’t feel guilty about pawning them off on other people.
--Total and complete healing over my entire body. I am sick and tired of dealing with these stupid female troubles.
--A serious situation to arise where I will have cause to shave my legs….
--Clean, clear, blemish free skin PERMANENTLY
--A supernaturally increased metabolism
--Less hair where I don’t want it and more where I do
--A new home. I need it to be bigger, better air conditioned, cheaper, and windows able to be opened so my sister can live with me
--Child support!!!!!!
Some of it seems kinda silly, but I am totally claiming it. Every night and morning I am going to pray these things into existence. Just like Rachel, I will be keeping track of each prayer answered.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Kalista
Kalista said something really funny last night at the grocery store. I was getting a jug of milk and she was messing with the creamer stuff in the door next to me when a guy in the vault yelled "Hey!" at her. She screamed really loud and then said, "That guy scared the Jesus out of me!"
I love that.
I told her that it was supposed to be BE-jeezERS. She just looked at me weird.
I love that.
I told her that it was supposed to be BE-jeezERS. She just looked at me weird.
My Chemical Romance
Okay, I don't listen to secular music very much anymore but there is one song I seriously love. It's kind of old but majorly awesome. It has the best drum beat ever and the intro RAWKS!
It's called "You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us in Prison" by My Chemical Romance.
Y'all should totally check it out. There is no cussing at all. Just some good rockin' out music!
Woo-Hoo!! (imagine me pumping my fist in the air)
It's called "You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us in Prison" by My Chemical Romance.
Y'all should totally check it out. There is no cussing at all. Just some good rockin' out music!
Woo-Hoo!! (imagine me pumping my fist in the air)
BFW, Apples, & Driver’s Licenses
I gave my practice speech for the BFW last Saturday. I was super nervous before and I was really think that it was horrible the next day when I was thinking back over it. But it turned out that everyone else thought it was actually good. It’s weird to say this, but I felt like I had gotten something lifted off of me while I was talking up there. I had been having a big problem with my faith since I was assigned this talk and while I was working on it. But while I was up there in front of everyone reading the words I barely remembered writing, I just started remembered that old feeling of knowing I am not alone and I know God is real. I began to fall in love all over again. I definitely say that the enemy had been winning a lot of battles in my heart but God won the whole darn war! I just pray that my experience touches at least one woman at the BFW. I also pray that Amanda wont be afraid of being vulnerable. I’ll just be praying for her.
At work, I have been going through some major growth. I think it’s sort of a side effect of my victory in my faith. I am constantly comparing myself to other people who do the same kind of work I do. I would get severely disappointed in myself when I would make a mistake. I would think to myself, “So & So would never do anything like this.” or something along those lines in all other areas in my life. What I am beginning to just realize is that each and every one of those people had to go through many steps to arrive where they are at. They didn’t just pop up one day and are an expert in what they do. Why was it so hard for me to understand that? It seems so simple my kids could get it. I think it’s all about my pride and stubbornness. Pride is so dumb! It gets me into more trouble than almost any other emotion. When I have a problem or don’t understand something, I don’t want to ask for help because I am so afraid to look dumb when I end up doing just that. It’s a big vicious circle people. I wish I could just slap myself around sometimes. Randy (Brandi’s husband) told me an analogy one time that makes a lot of sense: When an apple is growing, it goes through many stages until it is ready to be picked. If it is picked when it is still young, it will taste too sour but that is the way it is supposed to taste at that time because it hasn’t fully matured. I don’t know if that actually made any sense to anyone else… Randy said it a lot better than I did so just ask him to retell it for you. That probably would be easier and less confusing for everyone.
Last week, I had the morning off so I could get some errands done in Abilene. So while I was there I decided to finally update my driver’s license with my new address since I have been living in Clyde for 5 months already. Big mistake! I didn’t have any makeup on and my hair was jacked up from driving around town with the windows rolled down. So in my picture I look like a crack addict with a mullet who is in County Jail (I’m wearing an orange shirt). I have been thinking of when I will have to use my driver’s license; it will be very embarrassing! I think I am gong to have to “lose” this one and take some time off of work to get my hair done, hit the glamour shots at the Mall then immediately go to the DPS office. I am being serious, this is my worst picture yet. My last one was fantastic! I wish I could have just kept that old picture. I wonder if I could just old-school like cut-n-paste it… Is that against the law?
Hhmmmmmm, things to ponder: Possible jail time or better Driver’s License picture? I’ll let everyone know what I decide next time. Maybe I will work up enough nerve to post that picture up here too.
At work, I have been going through some major growth. I think it’s sort of a side effect of my victory in my faith. I am constantly comparing myself to other people who do the same kind of work I do. I would get severely disappointed in myself when I would make a mistake. I would think to myself, “So & So would never do anything like this.” or something along those lines in all other areas in my life. What I am beginning to just realize is that each and every one of those people had to go through many steps to arrive where they are at. They didn’t just pop up one day and are an expert in what they do. Why was it so hard for me to understand that? It seems so simple my kids could get it. I think it’s all about my pride and stubbornness. Pride is so dumb! It gets me into more trouble than almost any other emotion. When I have a problem or don’t understand something, I don’t want to ask for help because I am so afraid to look dumb when I end up doing just that. It’s a big vicious circle people. I wish I could just slap myself around sometimes. Randy (Brandi’s husband) told me an analogy one time that makes a lot of sense: When an apple is growing, it goes through many stages until it is ready to be picked. If it is picked when it is still young, it will taste too sour but that is the way it is supposed to taste at that time because it hasn’t fully matured. I don’t know if that actually made any sense to anyone else… Randy said it a lot better than I did so just ask him to retell it for you. That probably would be easier and less confusing for everyone.
Last week, I had the morning off so I could get some errands done in Abilene. So while I was there I decided to finally update my driver’s license with my new address since I have been living in Clyde for 5 months already. Big mistake! I didn’t have any makeup on and my hair was jacked up from driving around town with the windows rolled down. So in my picture I look like a crack addict with a mullet who is in County Jail (I’m wearing an orange shirt). I have been thinking of when I will have to use my driver’s license; it will be very embarrassing! I think I am gong to have to “lose” this one and take some time off of work to get my hair done, hit the glamour shots at the Mall then immediately go to the DPS office. I am being serious, this is my worst picture yet. My last one was fantastic! I wish I could have just kept that old picture. I wonder if I could just old-school like cut-n-paste it… Is that against the law?
Hhmmmmmm, things to ponder: Possible jail time or better Driver’s License picture? I’ll let everyone know what I decide next time. Maybe I will work up enough nerve to post that picture up here too.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Grace Given
I recieved something from God the other day. He is always so En Pointe it's a little bit scary. It's like He can read my mind or something...
Anyway. I have been building up a lot of bad feelings and anger for the last few weeks and I couldn't really figure out why. The situation I was in hadn't really changed, but I just seemed to be dwelling only on the negative things in life. I have been thinking just about stuff that people have done to me that wasn't fair and pretty much just being a big baby about everything. So I was praying about it and asking God to give me a little more grace in this area until I could finally get it all figured out. That's when He whispered in my ear. Here I was wanting some grace while I was not willing to give any to others. I began to see that Grace and Forgiveness go hand-in-hand. God has totally given me TONS of grace even though I certainly do not deserve it and He forgave me. I am made in His image so....
Well, I can't say that I have totally forgiven everyone yet, but I am on my way. It hurts me more than it does "them" (the people I am not forgiving) because I am the one who is picking at my wounds while they have gone on to live their lives. The weird thing about all this is that now that I am letting go, I am finally realizing that I didn't really want what I thought was stolen from me in the beginning.
Totally different subject: I have been having a really hard time with Kalista lately. I definitely need some prayer for stronger maternal instincts instead of I-want-to-strangle-her instincts. Sometimes I think "What in the heck is wrong with her? Why can't she just be normal?" Then I think about how I was when I was about her age, and it ends up my mom's wish came true. Oh, cruel irony!! I have been actively blocking the thought of teenage years. If I think about it too much, I may not make it.
I sure wish I could blog about something more profound...
Anyway. I have been building up a lot of bad feelings and anger for the last few weeks and I couldn't really figure out why. The situation I was in hadn't really changed, but I just seemed to be dwelling only on the negative things in life. I have been thinking just about stuff that people have done to me that wasn't fair and pretty much just being a big baby about everything. So I was praying about it and asking God to give me a little more grace in this area until I could finally get it all figured out. That's when He whispered in my ear. Here I was wanting some grace while I was not willing to give any to others. I began to see that Grace and Forgiveness go hand-in-hand. God has totally given me TONS of grace even though I certainly do not deserve it and He forgave me. I am made in His image so....
Well, I can't say that I have totally forgiven everyone yet, but I am on my way. It hurts me more than it does "them" (the people I am not forgiving) because I am the one who is picking at my wounds while they have gone on to live their lives. The weird thing about all this is that now that I am letting go, I am finally realizing that I didn't really want what I thought was stolen from me in the beginning.
Totally different subject: I have been having a really hard time with Kalista lately. I definitely need some prayer for stronger maternal instincts instead of I-want-to-strangle-her instincts. Sometimes I think "What in the heck is wrong with her? Why can't she just be normal?" Then I think about how I was when I was about her age, and it ends up my mom's wish came true. Oh, cruel irony!! I have been actively blocking the thought of teenage years. If I think about it too much, I may not make it.
I sure wish I could blog about something more profound...
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
No Sense
So I handed in my "talk" for the BFW today... I am super nervous about what the "readers" will think and if it made any sense at all anyway. Hopefully, I wont be asked to step down as the first speech giver for the weekend.
I will be leaving Friday night at about 6 because Kalista will be graduating from Kindergarten at 7. but i will return as soon as that is finished. Why do they have Kindergarten Graduations? I don't remember graduating from Kindergarten, does anyone else? It seems kinda weird to me. She had a graduation for Pre-K too. Are they going to be doing this for every grade now? That's just like giving a trophy to all the teams in little league even the ones who really sucked. Anyway, that's enough of my ramblings. Please pray that I will be understanding and accepting of any "critiques" that come my way.
I will be leaving Friday night at about 6 because Kalista will be graduating from Kindergarten at 7. but i will return as soon as that is finished. Why do they have Kindergarten Graduations? I don't remember graduating from Kindergarten, does anyone else? It seems kinda weird to me. She had a graduation for Pre-K too. Are they going to be doing this for every grade now? That's just like giving a trophy to all the teams in little league even the ones who really sucked. Anyway, that's enough of my ramblings. Please pray that I will be understanding and accepting of any "critiques" that come my way.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
I'm Sorry!!!
Okay, I am not here to give a full blog (although I do have a lot in me right now that I would like to post about, it's just not the time). I am here just to kind of explain why I have not been blogging. Well, first because ever since I switched over to the new blogger, I cannot log in through my computer at work. I have no idea why, I have tried contacting blogger help and they are pretty much nonexistent. So I was just trying to remember to blog before I go to sleep or on the weekends. Then I felt that God had put it on my heart to give my computer (my REALLY nice beautiful full-of-awesome-music-and-movies computer) to my brother. I don't feel bad or regretful for doing that because it really has opened doors to my brother, who is not a believer currently, and showed him how selfless God's love really is. So, anyway, I don't have a computer at home and my work computer doesn't work very well so I am stuck like chuck without a tool to blog. Right now I am on my co-worker's (i use that term VERY loosely here) computer to post this.
So, guys, I am sorry that you are missing out on my awesome and cool stories. I am trying to work out a plan now to use this computer or something. I don't know. Anyway, lots o' blessings to y'all!
So, guys, I am sorry that you are missing out on my awesome and cool stories. I am trying to work out a plan now to use this computer or something. I don't know. Anyway, lots o' blessings to y'all!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Burning Fire Within
With BFW coming up, I have been thinking about last year's BFW and how much of an impact it had on my life. It literally altered my life.
To the left here is one of my most favorite photos from BFW 2006. Especially with Ashley in the background making goofy faces.
I am hoping to come back with plenty more awesome pictures this year, and another huge change in my life.
Here is Nicole with one of our delicious lunches. Nicole was cool enough to pose in the pictures I took of almost every meal we had. She rocks!
Onions
How many changes and turns can my life possibly take? I have been much more introverted than usual lately. Actually thinking about the effect my actions have on other people. I don't want to be who I use to be anymore. Not even who I used to be last week. It just seems like every day I am growing out my old skin and stretching my newest one. This probably seems really confusing to whoever is reading this...
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend I used to date. I had moved on from that whole thing, but evidently he hadn't. He was mad at me about things I said and lied about, things I did and lied about. I was struggling with what to do. I told him that I was very sorry that I hurt him, but I am not who I was back then. He wanted to argue about why what I did was wrong but I really didn't want to. I didn't want to focus on everything that I messed up on; I didn't want to visit those old feelings again. I have CHANGED! Anyone who knows me knows I am not the same. It had been almost 2 years since any of that stuff happened and 2 years since I changed. I was frustrated because I wanted the world to move on with me, not be stuck in the mess I created. Understandably, he was upset that I wasn't. I just began to feel like trying to change was futile because it always came back around anyway.
Why do I give in to the lies the devil feeds me so easy? If I could, I would give the devil a serious indian burn! (should that be called a native-american burn in the pc world???) Totally ridiculous how easy it is for the devil. He's so lame.
Oh, I just realized that my title has nothing to do with what I blogged about.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend I used to date. I had moved on from that whole thing, but evidently he hadn't. He was mad at me about things I said and lied about, things I did and lied about. I was struggling with what to do. I told him that I was very sorry that I hurt him, but I am not who I was back then. He wanted to argue about why what I did was wrong but I really didn't want to. I didn't want to focus on everything that I messed up on; I didn't want to visit those old feelings again. I have CHANGED! Anyone who knows me knows I am not the same. It had been almost 2 years since any of that stuff happened and 2 years since I changed. I was frustrated because I wanted the world to move on with me, not be stuck in the mess I created. Understandably, he was upset that I wasn't. I just began to feel like trying to change was futile because it always came back around anyway.
Why do I give in to the lies the devil feeds me so easy? If I could, I would give the devil a serious indian burn! (should that be called a native-american burn in the pc world???) Totally ridiculous how easy it is for the devil. He's so lame.
Oh, I just realized that my title has nothing to do with what I blogged about.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
A Prayer for Me
Last Sunday, Brian invited anyone who had an illness to come up to the front at the end of the service. I went up there to receive a healing prayer for my PCOS thing I have going on (but that God is already healing). I got Jim and Brenda as my prayer "sponsers." Brenda prayed over me for total healing. Then Mr. Jim told me he prays that God will show me just how much He loves this week. Above all else, God just shows me how much He truly loves me. When he was telling me this, I could see tears in Jim's eyes. I think Jim is the father I would have loved to have growing up and now. He is such a great example of what a man should be in any situation. In worshiping, teaching, loving his wife, praying, or just joking around. This is my ode to Jim Becker. A man I don't feel scared to talk to or be hugged by, a man who doesn't judge too quickly or too slowly, a man who I don't want to disappoint, and most of all, a man who is in love with his beautiful wife. I just love how many examples of good men I have around me these days.
*wink* to God.
*wink* to God.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Hi, My Name is Jennifer...
Hi, my name is Jennifer and I'm a baller, shot-caller, 2o-inch rims on my impala....Okay, sorry. Got carried away with Lil Wayne there for a moment. But for real, I'm a baller. My "ride" is so "phat" I'm not sure about the 20" rims part, I'm not even sure if they are rims but they are really big. N-e-wayz!
Let's start from the beginning.
God said let there be light and then...just kidding. (sorry about all the preamble. i am just in a very jovial mood right now).
The REAL beginning:
In November, I asked Randi and Brandy for help with a budget because at the time they were my lifegroup leaders and I needed help with my budget. Randy came over and helped me figure some stuff out. I called him later to ask if he thinks I could fit into my budget saving each month for a new car. He asked me what kind of car I was looking for and I told him that I would either like a Saturn Vue or a Pontiac Aztek. And, very Randy like, he said, "Huh. An Aztek?" I said yes, that they're pretty inexpensive and I have liked them ever since the show Dark Angel came out (the parapalegic guy had one). He then told me that Aaron Laughlin's mother had an Aztek that she was thinking about selling. Randy asked me how much I would have to buy the car with, which was $5000. He told me he would call her and ask her about it and how much she would sell it for. You know, kinda feel her out and stuff.
Randy called me back a couple of days later and said that if she were to sell her car she would sell it for $5000. I couldn't buy it right then because I needed to wait for my income tax refund and she wasn't ready to sell yet either. I was so happy! It just seemed meant to be. Randy asked her to call him first when she finally decided to sell.
I called Randy in the beginning of January to ask him if he could call Aaron's parents again and get the 411 on the car situation. He called me back and let me know that they had decided to keep it instead. Normally, this would have crushed me. It did make me upset, but not like it usually would. I just knew that God had a plan for me in this situation. After that, I didn't even look for another car. I just had faith that God was going to supply this need.
***Oh, let me fill you in on something right here. My sister had a REALLY crappy car. It finally got too crappy so it went away. She was borrowing my mom's car, which if anyone has borrowed their parent's car knows how much of a pain in the butt in can be. So our plan was that I was going to sell my car to my sister and then with that money combined with my refund, I was going to buy a new car for myself.***
One day, I was going through the list of my blog friends when I happened on Rachel's blog about needing a bigger car. I got excited because I wanted to buy her car but I didn't know if she was serious about selling hers and getting a bigger one for her. So I left a comment about buying her car. I waited about 6 hours (that's a long time in my world) then finally IM'd her when she didn't reply back. Amazingly, Rachel was all about it. I was kind of shocked. She said that she would find out all the financial stuff the next day and suggested ways for me to go about getting a loan if I didn't have enough. I had faith in God to supply, but I guess I didn't expect it to happen so darn fast! Well, anyway, fastforward 2 weeks, and now I am a proud-owner of a Pontiac Aztek. Yay me!
Now, I make up excuses to just go driving. It's a lot bigger than my Ford Focus so I am having to get use to NOT running over curbs... Also, Rachel and Aaron have been so great about everything. Since I sold my car to Amanda and was without a car for a day, Aaron let me borrow his car while they were getting the gas tank thing figured out and I could get the Aztek the next day. This is the second time that Aaron and Rachel have blessed me in a big way. First was when Marcos left, he took our bed with him so I was having to sleep with the kids in their bunkbed for a couple of weeks. Well, A&R gave me not only their mattresses, but their really awesome sleigh-like bed and the dresser/mirror that goes with it!!!! The set is so beautiful. I guess I should put some pictures up of them. Remind me to do that...
This is my prayer: Thank you God for generous souls and giving people such as Aaron and Rachel. Even if they had not given me all that they have, their hearts and prayers are more than enough. Thank you for allowing them to be free with their possessions. Thank you for supplying them everything they need Lord. Thank you for showing me Your love through them. Thank you God that I have such great examples of Christians to follow.
Let's start from the beginning.
God said let there be light and then...just kidding. (sorry about all the preamble. i am just in a very jovial mood right now).
The REAL beginning:
In November, I asked Randi and Brandy for help with a budget because at the time they were my lifegroup leaders and I needed help with my budget. Randy came over and helped me figure some stuff out. I called him later to ask if he thinks I could fit into my budget saving each month for a new car. He asked me what kind of car I was looking for and I told him that I would either like a Saturn Vue or a Pontiac Aztek. And, very Randy like, he said, "Huh. An Aztek?" I said yes, that they're pretty inexpensive and I have liked them ever since the show Dark Angel came out (the parapalegic guy had one). He then told me that Aaron Laughlin's mother had an Aztek that she was thinking about selling. Randy asked me how much I would have to buy the car with, which was $5000. He told me he would call her and ask her about it and how much she would sell it for. You know, kinda feel her out and stuff.
Randy called me back a couple of days later and said that if she were to sell her car she would sell it for $5000. I couldn't buy it right then because I needed to wait for my income tax refund and she wasn't ready to sell yet either. I was so happy! It just seemed meant to be. Randy asked her to call him first when she finally decided to sell.
I called Randy in the beginning of January to ask him if he could call Aaron's parents again and get the 411 on the car situation. He called me back and let me know that they had decided to keep it instead. Normally, this would have crushed me. It did make me upset, but not like it usually would. I just knew that God had a plan for me in this situation. After that, I didn't even look for another car. I just had faith that God was going to supply this need.
***Oh, let me fill you in on something right here. My sister had a REALLY crappy car. It finally got too crappy so it went away. She was borrowing my mom's car, which if anyone has borrowed their parent's car knows how much of a pain in the butt in can be. So our plan was that I was going to sell my car to my sister and then with that money combined with my refund, I was going to buy a new car for myself.***
One day, I was going through the list of my blog friends when I happened on Rachel's blog about needing a bigger car. I got excited because I wanted to buy her car but I didn't know if she was serious about selling hers and getting a bigger one for her. So I left a comment about buying her car. I waited about 6 hours (that's a long time in my world) then finally IM'd her when she didn't reply back. Amazingly, Rachel was all about it. I was kind of shocked. She said that she would find out all the financial stuff the next day and suggested ways for me to go about getting a loan if I didn't have enough. I had faith in God to supply, but I guess I didn't expect it to happen so darn fast! Well, anyway, fastforward 2 weeks, and now I am a proud-owner of a Pontiac Aztek. Yay me!
Now, I make up excuses to just go driving. It's a lot bigger than my Ford Focus so I am having to get use to NOT running over curbs... Also, Rachel and Aaron have been so great about everything. Since I sold my car to Amanda and was without a car for a day, Aaron let me borrow his car while they were getting the gas tank thing figured out and I could get the Aztek the next day. This is the second time that Aaron and Rachel have blessed me in a big way. First was when Marcos left, he took our bed with him so I was having to sleep with the kids in their bunkbed for a couple of weeks. Well, A&R gave me not only their mattresses, but their really awesome sleigh-like bed and the dresser/mirror that goes with it!!!! The set is so beautiful. I guess I should put some pictures up of them. Remind me to do that...
This is my prayer: Thank you God for generous souls and giving people such as Aaron and Rachel. Even if they had not given me all that they have, their hearts and prayers are more than enough. Thank you for allowing them to be free with their possessions. Thank you for supplying them everything they need Lord. Thank you for showing me Your love through them. Thank you God that I have such great examples of Christians to follow.
B.L.
For most women in this competition, B.L. means Biggest Loser. As for me, it means Biggest Le Gainer. Seriously guys. I have gained 1.5 pounds since starting this thing, AFTER CHRISTMAS! What the heck is going on here??? I think someone is secretly putting weight gain pills in my food before the drive-thru people give it to me. I am so onto their game. Probably injecting some kind weird extra fat into my normally harmless french fries and cheeseburgers and sometimes (greasy) green chicken enchiladas. I know its a conspiracy! Who's with me to uncover this sabotage! These people's (whoever "they" are) treachory knows no bounds...
Delivered and Delivarance
Okay, so I was delivered of my depression a few weeks ago with the help of some special ladies (brenda & pam) and a very special guy I like to call Holy Spirit; maybe you've heard of him. (would he really be a guy? is that blasphemous? i mean, can the holy spirit be limited to just one gender?)
Anyway, I digress. I was living it up after my un-depression! I was telling anyone who did or did not want to hear about it. I told believers and non-believers alike. My mom still doesn't really believe me. She keeps asking me if I am okay and staring at me really weird as if she could "detect" the depression somewhere inside me. I guess that's a mom for ya. I was living in a perpetual state of elation. Then about a week and a half after, I started noticing that I was getting angry. Angry like I wanted to punch someone. And over stuff that didn't really make sense. I would get irate when my kids laughed, when someone would call and ask me to do something at work (which, by the way, is MY JOB!), when someone would sniff more than I thought was necessary, the screen on my phone was dirty...Seriously, people. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. I was thinking "What the heck is wrong with me?!" And then I would get mad that I was getting mad over nothing. I prayed about it and asked God to help me with this thing. Then I started second guessing my deliverance. I was thinking "What if I just made that whole thing up?" I was feeling really irritated with people I usually love. I was being seriously judgemental also and I totally hate that. I am usually against people who judge quickly with no basis for it. I was just feeling so unlike myself. Then I got some bad news from my doctor that just compounded my foul outlook and attitude. I was letting some petty comments get to me also. I just felt like I hated everyone, didn't want to be near God, and was un-great at my job. I could feel the depression just lurking and waiting to pounce on me once again. I had a great huge pity party. Y'all should have been there, next time I will plan a little better and send invitations. (just kidding) The spirit of offense had taken up residence in my heart. Every little thing anyone said to me ended up being scrutinized for something hurtful or mean. If someone did say something nice, I was rolling my eyes inwardly the whole time. I wasn't enjoying any of the things I usually do either. I was just full of yuck!
Now, of course, I realize the devil had pulled out all the stops on attacking me. He opened up on me with both barrels blazing. And, worst of all, I didn't fight back. I was like a deer caught in the headlights and run over by a Dodge Ram with a huge grill guard. I was to' up from the flo' up! (for all the white uncool people out there, here is a translation: I was tore up from the floor up). I was so confused about what was happening. I just wanted to go on in my merry little la-la way in my euphoria of deliverance instead of actively fight for my blessings. No wonder I was such an easy target for the devil.
This weekend, a friend who I haven't seen about 6 or 7 months came to visit. We talked about a lot of things and it ended up that she was having a lot of the same feelings and emotions I was. I don't know why but talking to her for that brief time about what was going on with me and her seriously helped me. I felt relief. I was finally able to put some things back in perspective. I could feel the tension in my chest loosening.
I can either just wallow in my unhappiness or do something about. I am going to do something. For one thing, I don't really have anything that I am passionate about. Well, I am passionate about the Lord. But I don't even do anything extra for that besides the usual stuff like prayer, church, and lifegroup. I want to find something that I can commit to and help with. Another thing, I don't spend enough quality time with my kids. We don't get to spend as much time together anymore since I work full time and with the extra church activities at night. I really want to refocus on them. There are a few other areas I am going to make some changes in. When I have "finalized" my plans, I will post about that. Until then, my faithful readers (both of you), much love and May the Holy Spirit be with you.
Anyway, I digress. I was living it up after my un-depression! I was telling anyone who did or did not want to hear about it. I told believers and non-believers alike. My mom still doesn't really believe me. She keeps asking me if I am okay and staring at me really weird as if she could "detect" the depression somewhere inside me. I guess that's a mom for ya. I was living in a perpetual state of elation. Then about a week and a half after, I started noticing that I was getting angry. Angry like I wanted to punch someone. And over stuff that didn't really make sense. I would get irate when my kids laughed, when someone would call and ask me to do something at work (which, by the way, is MY JOB!), when someone would sniff more than I thought was necessary, the screen on my phone was dirty...Seriously, people. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. I was thinking "What the heck is wrong with me?!" And then I would get mad that I was getting mad over nothing. I prayed about it and asked God to help me with this thing. Then I started second guessing my deliverance. I was thinking "What if I just made that whole thing up?" I was feeling really irritated with people I usually love. I was being seriously judgemental also and I totally hate that. I am usually against people who judge quickly with no basis for it. I was just feeling so unlike myself. Then I got some bad news from my doctor that just compounded my foul outlook and attitude. I was letting some petty comments get to me also. I just felt like I hated everyone, didn't want to be near God, and was un-great at my job. I could feel the depression just lurking and waiting to pounce on me once again. I had a great huge pity party. Y'all should have been there, next time I will plan a little better and send invitations. (just kidding) The spirit of offense had taken up residence in my heart. Every little thing anyone said to me ended up being scrutinized for something hurtful or mean. If someone did say something nice, I was rolling my eyes inwardly the whole time. I wasn't enjoying any of the things I usually do either. I was just full of yuck!
Now, of course, I realize the devil had pulled out all the stops on attacking me. He opened up on me with both barrels blazing. And, worst of all, I didn't fight back. I was like a deer caught in the headlights and run over by a Dodge Ram with a huge grill guard. I was to' up from the flo' up! (for all the white uncool people out there, here is a translation: I was tore up from the floor up). I was so confused about what was happening. I just wanted to go on in my merry little la-la way in my euphoria of deliverance instead of actively fight for my blessings. No wonder I was such an easy target for the devil.
This weekend, a friend who I haven't seen about 6 or 7 months came to visit. We talked about a lot of things and it ended up that she was having a lot of the same feelings and emotions I was. I don't know why but talking to her for that brief time about what was going on with me and her seriously helped me. I felt relief. I was finally able to put some things back in perspective. I could feel the tension in my chest loosening.
I can either just wallow in my unhappiness or do something about. I am going to do something. For one thing, I don't really have anything that I am passionate about. Well, I am passionate about the Lord. But I don't even do anything extra for that besides the usual stuff like prayer, church, and lifegroup. I want to find something that I can commit to and help with. Another thing, I don't spend enough quality time with my kids. We don't get to spend as much time together anymore since I work full time and with the extra church activities at night. I really want to refocus on them. There are a few other areas I am going to make some changes in. When I have "finalized" my plans, I will post about that. Until then, my faithful readers (both of you), much love and May the Holy Spirit be with you.
Back for the First Time
I am sure that everyone has noticed that I have not been blogging for the last few weeks. There are 2 reasons for that. First: The stupid new blogger wouldn't let me sign in after I switched to Beta or whatever. Blimey bums! Second: I have been processing some MAJOR stuff lately. Well, I am actually still kinda processing right now but at least I can see the pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel. It's like whoa (all the people who were into rap in 2000 and 2001 will know what I am talking about).
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I See Dead People...Not Really, I See GOD!
Allright people. I am so PUMPED! I have been so close to God for the past week, well since Wednesday when He healed me. I have been seeing His visions and hearing him speak to my heart. Yay Jesus!
Anyway, let me continue. On Sunday when the song that talks about drinking from His cup and sitting at His feet, and feeling His heartbeat I heard God talk to me. Whenever I heard that song before, I would get a great sadness in my heart because I wanted that with my husband. I felt like the song spoke what a wife does with a husband. But on Sunday, when I was worshiping and singing that song I heard God tell me over and over I AM YOUR HUSBAND. I AM YOUR HUSBAND. I AM YOUR HUSBAND. He was stressing to me that HE was my husband. He loved me more than any man ever could. He wanted me to sit at his feet, He wanted me to lean on Him for support, He wanted to feel my heartbeat while I felt His. He wanted me as His wife. He wanted me to know what it felt like to know that He had chosen me to be His bride over any other. At WOW, we sang that song again. I heard God once again but He also gave me a vision this time. A lot of times when I am at home, I get really lonely. I feel like I am isolated and alone. In my vision I saw myself sitting on the couch watching T.V. as usual but beside me was Jesus. He was sitting where my husband would. I saw myself in the kitchen cooking (yes, it does happen without fires people) and he was in there talking to me like a husband would. I saw myself doing the laundry and there He was again. He showed me in my vision that He is just like a husband to me no matter what I am doing and no matter how alone I feel. I started weeping when I was singing because I finally got it. I got just how much Jesus loves me. I finally felt Him loving me so much it hurt. I feel His presence now. I feel Him! My true husband who will NEVER abandon me or be embarrassed of me.
Anyway, let me continue. On Sunday when the song that talks about drinking from His cup and sitting at His feet, and feeling His heartbeat I heard God talk to me. Whenever I heard that song before, I would get a great sadness in my heart because I wanted that with my husband. I felt like the song spoke what a wife does with a husband. But on Sunday, when I was worshiping and singing that song I heard God tell me over and over I AM YOUR HUSBAND. I AM YOUR HUSBAND. I AM YOUR HUSBAND. He was stressing to me that HE was my husband. He loved me more than any man ever could. He wanted me to sit at his feet, He wanted me to lean on Him for support, He wanted to feel my heartbeat while I felt His. He wanted me as His wife. He wanted me to know what it felt like to know that He had chosen me to be His bride over any other. At WOW, we sang that song again. I heard God once again but He also gave me a vision this time. A lot of times when I am at home, I get really lonely. I feel like I am isolated and alone. In my vision I saw myself sitting on the couch watching T.V. as usual but beside me was Jesus. He was sitting where my husband would. I saw myself in the kitchen cooking (yes, it does happen without fires people) and he was in there talking to me like a husband would. I saw myself doing the laundry and there He was again. He showed me in my vision that He is just like a husband to me no matter what I am doing and no matter how alone I feel. I started weeping when I was singing because I finally got it. I got just how much Jesus loves me. I finally felt Him loving me so much it hurt. I feel His presence now. I feel Him! My true husband who will NEVER abandon me or be embarrassed of me.
67
I have been wanting to blog about this particular subject for awhile. I was getting ready to the other night but could not remember what I was supposed to be blogging about for the life of me. I actually sat down in front of my computer and was about to start typing when my mind went blank. The only thing that I could think of when I was trying to remember what I wanted to blog about was the number 67. When I saw it in my mind's eye, it wasn't in the numerical form but written out like: sixty-seven. Totally weird. That's all I could think of when I would try to remember. Anytime my mind started thinking about the blog and the subject I was going to talk about, that number would come up instead. I have no idea what it means. The next morning when I woke up, I finally remembered but I could still see/feel that number in the underneath the thing I was thinking about. Totally weird. Like it was a name or something. Anyway, let me just let y'all know what I wanted to blog about in the beginning.
Okay, this may seem really weird to some people and kind of gross to others. But Pam said that more people would actually get it than I think. About 4 1/2 months ago I was thinking about wanting a husband (again) and about how I heard about other people doing things for their spouses before they even met them. Like keeping their virginity, writing love letters, praying for them, etc. Well, the whole virginity thing was out the window (yes, Pam, I know God can "restore" that stuff but it's still not the same as me willingly waiting) and I do pray for my future husband. Well, anyway, I was thinking about all this and I was trying to think of a way that I could prove MY dedication to him. And I came up with something...The last time I shaved my legs was the day of the WOW Christmas Party which I believe was right after Thanksgiving. My reasoning is this: If I don't shave my legs, I cannot be naked with a man thus proving my loyalty to my future husband (FH from now on). And if there is a guy out there who doesn't mind bushy legs, I'm not sure I really want to be with him anyway. This is a sacrifice I am making for my FH. My legs feel uncomfortable, itchy, and really weird when I have worn socks all day. This is to show FH that even though I didn't do "other" things to show my dedication to him, I am doing this. And in the summer, I won't be able to wear shorts or skirts which is another sacrifice for him. I don't know if I am explaining this all the right way. You can ask me about it if you have questions or whatever. I don't mind. It's kind of like fasting with a razor. Another thing I was thinking about is that a way I could know if a man is the FH God means for me is if he gets what I am doing and doesn't think it's stupid or whacked. He will understand my intent and the love that is behind it.
Okay, this may seem really weird to some people and kind of gross to others. But Pam said that more people would actually get it than I think. About 4 1/2 months ago I was thinking about wanting a husband (again) and about how I heard about other people doing things for their spouses before they even met them. Like keeping their virginity, writing love letters, praying for them, etc. Well, the whole virginity thing was out the window (yes, Pam, I know God can "restore" that stuff but it's still not the same as me willingly waiting) and I do pray for my future husband. Well, anyway, I was thinking about all this and I was trying to think of a way that I could prove MY dedication to him. And I came up with something...The last time I shaved my legs was the day of the WOW Christmas Party which I believe was right after Thanksgiving. My reasoning is this: If I don't shave my legs, I cannot be naked with a man thus proving my loyalty to my future husband (FH from now on). And if there is a guy out there who doesn't mind bushy legs, I'm not sure I really want to be with him anyway. This is a sacrifice I am making for my FH. My legs feel uncomfortable, itchy, and really weird when I have worn socks all day. This is to show FH that even though I didn't do "other" things to show my dedication to him, I am doing this. And in the summer, I won't be able to wear shorts or skirts which is another sacrifice for him. I don't know if I am explaining this all the right way. You can ask me about it if you have questions or whatever. I don't mind. It's kind of like fasting with a razor. Another thing I was thinking about is that a way I could know if a man is the FH God means for me is if he gets what I am doing and doesn't think it's stupid or whacked. He will understand my intent and the love that is behind it.
Forced into this
Was anyone else FORCED to move your blogs to the new blogger? It said Would you like to move your blog to the new blogger? and then not give a choice to say no. Bunch of bullies.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Xander-isms
Here a few cute little sayings that Xander says.
- You Got a Kid On Me! (you gotta be kidding me!)
- You Pizza Me, Bodyworks? (you wanna piece of me, fireworks.)(I don't know why he says fireworks though. maybe it adds extra "umph" to him)
- Told to Erica at Kari's babyshower: Hey! Great Potty! (Hey! Great Party!)
- You Rahtee Me! (I would like to challenge you to a Karate match)
I love it!
So MANY Blessings!
Okay, guys, prepared to see how wonderful God is! I have received so many wonderful blessings this week! So many blessings that I'm dropping them because I can't carry them all! Oh my gosh, I am so excited about everything God is doing for me and to me. I had prayed last Sunday night for God to show me that He loves, that He remembers I am alive, that I haven't been forgotten about. Oh, He did that and so much more! Well, okay, let me quit rambling and just tell y'all what the dealio is.
First Blessing! :)!!
Boss came into the office Monday morning way earlier than usual, like before lunch. He asked me to come into his office to have a "talk" with him. I was so like, "Uh-oh" He first asked me if I was doing okay (a lot of people have been asking me that lately. mostly because they could see my mood wasn't what it usually was) and I told him Yeah, of course. He then started telling me that he was sorry for not being in the office as much as he should have been, that he wanted to know any way that he could help me do my job and work. How fantastic is that?? I had prayed for so long that God would help me in this situation and He did! Hi-Five God!
Second Blessing!
I was notified by mail that I have nominated by my instructors at TSTC to be added to the list in the American Junior College's Book of Who's Who. That is so neat and validating! Yay me! Almost makes my ridiculous amount of student loans worth it.
Third Blessing!
I have told a few people about the depression I have been going through lately. I have suffered from depression since I was about 11. I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself. My Mom put me on antidepressants when I was a Junior in High School because of a really close call with suicide. I think there was a lot of environmental and genetic problems that contributed to my depression. Anyway, I think you get the idea of how long this disease has plagued me. Last week, it was hitting me hard again. I would fantasize about the ways I could end my life. I just felt like everything I had ever done or would do would just end up crap. So, like, my great friend Pam suggested I make a Theophostic appointment at the church. So, I did. That day, Wednesday, I prayed all day for God to let me open to Him, for Him to show me how to let the Holy Spirit work and not let there be any resistance in me. I kept seeing a vision in my mind's eye of me ripping open my chest to let everything that God had for me into my heart, that's how open I wanted to be for Him. I wanted to do anything I could get relief from the heaviness. I showed up to the appointment with Brenda and Pam and we got to doing our thing. I was really unsure I was doing it right. When they asked me questions, I just answered whatever came to my mind first (hint: Holy Spirit). So, guess what?? I have been delivered of my depression!! I am not even taking my medicine! I did that day when I got home but it gave me a headache and made me feel sick. Like it would to someone who is taking it but not needing it!! The Holy Spirit also helped me be free of my hurt and anger from Marcos. Seriously guys, do you know how much that helps me? I still love Marcos, but it's not a hurt-love. It's a love that is pure and not full of resentment, bitterness, and hate. Funny how love can be mixed with those emotions. So good, so good! Hallelujah! I have been healed by the Holy Spirit!
Fourth Blessing!
I have been having a bit of a financial struggle since I moved into my new house here in Clyde. My rent increased like by a 1000% In Abilene, I only paid $4 a month for rent and here I have been paying $305. Huge increase along with increase in electricity and added water bill (didn't have to pay water in abilene). I also just began paying the DPS to get my driver's license reinstated. So all these things at once with no real increase in pay has been a bit stressful. Today I got a call from my HUD (they help me pay my rent) caseworker. She told me when I was recertified and she had input my income amount, the calculations were wrong. It turns out that I should not be paying $305 a month, but $141 a month!!!!! This is SOOOO good! This frees up so much more money I will be able to put towards other bills. Pam, can I get a witness??
Fifth Blessing!
When I moved out of my apartment in Abilene, I broke my lease. I was allowed to do so if I were to pay a reletting fee of $497. When I told my job, people got together and all picthed in to pay it for me, out of their own pockets! Amazing! That in itself is a blessing. Today in the mail I received an invoice from the apartment place telling me what all I owed. Well, because I left my apartment in such good condition (a first for me) that applied my deposit of $200 towards the reletting fee, so now all I owe is $297! Some people at the church will now get their money back. So awesome!
First Blessing! :)!!
Boss came into the office Monday morning way earlier than usual, like before lunch. He asked me to come into his office to have a "talk" with him. I was so like, "Uh-oh" He first asked me if I was doing okay (a lot of people have been asking me that lately. mostly because they could see my mood wasn't what it usually was) and I told him Yeah, of course. He then started telling me that he was sorry for not being in the office as much as he should have been, that he wanted to know any way that he could help me do my job and work. How fantastic is that?? I had prayed for so long that God would help me in this situation and He did! Hi-Five God!
Second Blessing!
I was notified by mail that I have nominated by my instructors at TSTC to be added to the list in the American Junior College's Book of Who's Who. That is so neat and validating! Yay me! Almost makes my ridiculous amount of student loans worth it.
Third Blessing!
I have told a few people about the depression I have been going through lately. I have suffered from depression since I was about 11. I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself. My Mom put me on antidepressants when I was a Junior in High School because of a really close call with suicide. I think there was a lot of environmental and genetic problems that contributed to my depression. Anyway, I think you get the idea of how long this disease has plagued me. Last week, it was hitting me hard again. I would fantasize about the ways I could end my life. I just felt like everything I had ever done or would do would just end up crap. So, like, my great friend Pam suggested I make a Theophostic appointment at the church. So, I did. That day, Wednesday, I prayed all day for God to let me open to Him, for Him to show me how to let the Holy Spirit work and not let there be any resistance in me. I kept seeing a vision in my mind's eye of me ripping open my chest to let everything that God had for me into my heart, that's how open I wanted to be for Him. I wanted to do anything I could get relief from the heaviness. I showed up to the appointment with Brenda and Pam and we got to doing our thing. I was really unsure I was doing it right. When they asked me questions, I just answered whatever came to my mind first (hint: Holy Spirit). So, guess what?? I have been delivered of my depression!! I am not even taking my medicine! I did that day when I got home but it gave me a headache and made me feel sick. Like it would to someone who is taking it but not needing it!! The Holy Spirit also helped me be free of my hurt and anger from Marcos. Seriously guys, do you know how much that helps me? I still love Marcos, but it's not a hurt-love. It's a love that is pure and not full of resentment, bitterness, and hate. Funny how love can be mixed with those emotions. So good, so good! Hallelujah! I have been healed by the Holy Spirit!
Fourth Blessing!
I have been having a bit of a financial struggle since I moved into my new house here in Clyde. My rent increased like by a 1000% In Abilene, I only paid $4 a month for rent and here I have been paying $305. Huge increase along with increase in electricity and added water bill (didn't have to pay water in abilene). I also just began paying the DPS to get my driver's license reinstated. So all these things at once with no real increase in pay has been a bit stressful. Today I got a call from my HUD (they help me pay my rent) caseworker. She told me when I was recertified and she had input my income amount, the calculations were wrong. It turns out that I should not be paying $305 a month, but $141 a month!!!!! This is SOOOO good! This frees up so much more money I will be able to put towards other bills. Pam, can I get a witness??
Fifth Blessing!
When I moved out of my apartment in Abilene, I broke my lease. I was allowed to do so if I were to pay a reletting fee of $497. When I told my job, people got together and all picthed in to pay it for me, out of their own pockets! Amazing! That in itself is a blessing. Today in the mail I received an invoice from the apartment place telling me what all I owed. Well, because I left my apartment in such good condition (a first for me) that applied my deposit of $200 towards the reletting fee, so now all I owe is $297! Some people at the church will now get their money back. So awesome!
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Migraines Suck
So, like, I have a huge migraine. It's a peircing pain of agony in my left temple. It's hurting so bad my left eye keeps twitching and trying to close up. Lord, please here my cry and make it stop!
Saturday, February 03, 2007
You Think You Know Me
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. McDonalds
2. Allsups
3. Gill's Fried Chicken
4. First United Methodist Church
Movies I would watch over and over:
5. The Others
6. Robots
7. X-Men triology
8. Underworld I & II
Four places you have lived:
9. El Paso, TX
10. Alpine, TX
11. Sweetwater, TX
12. Abilene, TX
Four places you have been on vacation:
13. Disneyland
14. Sea World, San Antonio
15. Waxahachie, TX
16. South Padre Island, TX
Four of my favorite foods are:
17. Little Pit's Chicken Enchiladas
18. Amanda's Chicken & Dumplings
19. Johnny Carino's Italian Chicken Nachos
20. Erica's chicken stuff she makes
(notice how none of these foods are my own makings, read earlier blog for reference)
Four places I would rather be right now:
21. In bed
22. Heaven
23. church
24. hanging out with friends
Four friends I think will respond:
25. Pamellotta
26. Prosserocity
27. Brenda Marie
28. Frantastic
Copy and paste on your own blog. Delete my answers and insert your own. Have fun!
1. McDonalds
2. Allsups
3. Gill's Fried Chicken
4. First United Methodist Church
Movies I would watch over and over:
5. The Others
6. Robots
7. X-Men triology
8. Underworld I & II
Four places you have lived:
9. El Paso, TX
10. Alpine, TX
11. Sweetwater, TX
12. Abilene, TX
Four places you have been on vacation:
13. Disneyland
14. Sea World, San Antonio
15. Waxahachie, TX
16. South Padre Island, TX
Four of my favorite foods are:
17. Little Pit's Chicken Enchiladas
18. Amanda's Chicken & Dumplings
19. Johnny Carino's Italian Chicken Nachos
20. Erica's chicken stuff she makes
(notice how none of these foods are my own makings, read earlier blog for reference)
Four places I would rather be right now:
21. In bed
22. Heaven
23. church
24. hanging out with friends
Four friends I think will respond:
25. Pamellotta
26. Prosserocity
27. Brenda Marie
28. Frantastic
Copy and paste on your own blog. Delete my answers and insert your own. Have fun!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Correction
Okay, I noticed that the link I had for Rev. Fun was not working on my previous post, so I tried to go back and fix it. It then linked to a totally different website. But, now I have finally fixed it. So you can either go click on #9 or just click here for the website. Sorry!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
101
Okay, usually I don't like to do things that other people are doing just because they are doing them. But I was reading Pam's 100 list and I just really wanted to make one of my own, so here it is. 101 things I Love!
- the Holy Spirit
- Grace
- Kalista
- Xander
- Amanda, my soul mate
- Alexis
- Anoe
- forgiveness
- Rev. Fun.com
- Wrigley Spearmint gum
- Q-tips
- reading my friends' blogs
- seeing my name listed on my friends' blogs links
- dinner at erica's
- my new refridgerator (pictures coming soon)
- my garage door opener
- my spongebob mouse
- spongebob mousepad
- spongebob keyboard stickers
- the really cool lipgloss from bed, bath, and beyond Brandi told me about
- Cherry Mikeska's daily dose of telling me I'm beautiful
- paychecks
- hearing the bells chime every day every hour from 9 am to 9 pm
- my pink hawaiian watch that glows
- Tide with downy
- kissing the skin on my children's necks
- blogging
- apple butter
- balsamic vinegaraitte
- the good memories with marcos
- my mom's laugh
- when my sister braids my hair
- fridays
- online billpay
- macaroni and cheese
- hydrogen peroxide in my ear
- curves workout
- friends who don't judge
- being lice-free
- fire extinguishers
- old navy online
- looooooooong, hot showers
- internet
- not having to buy diapers
- God is remolding me
- the smell of wood burning
- cell phones
- favorite pens
- coffee cups with cute sayings
- nike pumps
- velcro
- bleach
- neosporin
- the water fountain in my refrigerator
- the ice maker in my refrigerator
- the memory of my father
- who I am today and delivered from who I was yesterday
- independent films
- my womb
- Kingdom Life Fellowship
- sunflowers
- America
- random ice storms that bring Texas to a screeching halt
- technology
- inventions
- doorknobs (think about how hard it would be without them)
- hearing my children breathe while sleeping
- becky's beautiful photographs
- rachel's open heart
- erica's awesome hair
- brenda's unmistakable laugh
- cherith's bouncy hair and personality
- my future husband God has waiting for me
- schwan's
- pam's understanding ways
- unsweet peach tea from sonic
- Mexican Fridays at Little Pit
- lime green
- the way erica never gets frustrated or irritated with me and AALLLL my cooking questions
- carmex
- favorites (as in the list you keep on the internet of your favorite sites)
- long hair
- the last day of my period
- worshiping
- my revlon flat iron (although, a chi would be better)
- BFW women's retreat
- gospel gangsta rap
- in-door plumbing
- five lines on my clearwire modem
- children's motrin
- oh, i was kidding about #87
- freshly cut grass
- kalista's mole on her back that I have in the same exact place
- a fresh, new package of computer paper
- being the first one to drink out of the milk jug
- waking up by myself with no alarm clock
- my brother's salvation that is going to come soon
- the awesome, wonderful, magnificent, trustworthy, beautiful husband God is preparing for my sister
- organized milk (read pam's blog to understand)
- penecillin
- (good) hygiene
It's Official People
So, it's official. I had my first kitchen fire while trying to cook lunch for me and the kids today. People think I am exaggerating when I say I can't cook. It's the God's honest truth! I wanted to make Hamburger Helper for us for lunch. Seems pretty simple, right? Nope. My stove caught on fire while I was "browning" (term used on the box) the ground meat. The kicker of it also is that my stove is electric so there weren't any open flames! I had to call my neighbor over to help me because knew for sure that I couldn't throw water on it being a possible grease fire and my stove being electric. He brought over his fire extinguisher but we thankfully didn't have to use it because it kind just died out on its own. Kalista was asking me from the living room why was it so smoky. I didn't know what to tell her. Then she came into the kitchen where me and my neighbor were discussing how to prevent this in the future. She said, "Was there a fire?" I said, "Not really." Then she said, "Then why is there a fireman here?"
Touche.
Touche.
Much Contemplation
This is the dream I had last night:
I was living in an apartment with my kids, sister, and her kids. Marcos lived there also, but his room was sort of separate from our space. We were all sleeping when I heard a cell phone ringing. I got up to find the cell phone and then I realized it was Marcos'. For some reason he wasn't answering it, maybe it didn't wake him up. I picked it up and when I looked at the caller id it said "Juxtaposition" but I knew that it was his girlfriend. I answered the phone and said, "Hello" She said, "Hey! I was thinking that we could go Christmas shopping together later." She didn't realize that it was me and not Marcos. I told her, "I don't want to go Christmas shopping with you." Then she said, "Oh...I think I have to go." I was so angry! That she called him, that I talked to her, and that they were doing intimate things. I threw the phone at Marcos where he was sleeping (which was on the floor instead of his bed).
I yelled at him "Your stupid slut just called!"
He said, "You don't have any right calling her that. You don't know her."
"But I do know that we were together when you met her, I know that she knew you had a family, I know she knew about me!"
He got up and started getting dressed to leave. I saw that he had picked out a shirt to wear that I had bought him. I was so furious that he was going to wear something I bought to be around her. I took his shirt and dumped it in the toilet then brought it back to him and said, "There, you can have it now." He got really mad about this. He grabbed me by my wrists and bit my arm. When he let go, I yelled, "You want to bite me? I'll do it for you!!" Then I bit myself hard enough to make myself bleed. He let me go and sat down on the couch. He was looking at the negatives to film. Somehow, I knew that they were pictures of him and her. I grabbed them out of his hands and ripped them apart. He tried to hit me with a telephone cord. I took the cord from him and hit myself repeatedly, just staring at him while I was doing it. I dropped the cord, pushed him to the couch, and sat on top of him. Our noses were almost touching we were so close and I told him, "Nothing hurts as much as what you have done. It pierces my heart. It stabs me in my chest. I could show you."
I got up to walk out and I looked at the torn film and I thought that there were pictures of me and him on there. I told him, "Even if there were pictures of us, they don't matter any more. That is nothing now."
I have been having dreams kind of like this a lot lately. I have prayed that God would take them away. I hate having to wake up those mornings. I just think about Marcos and how much I am hurt by him. About how much I still love him and miss him. It's been 6 months now, I shouldn't still be crying over him, should I? I just want relief from these kinds of dreams. It hurts too much.
I was living in an apartment with my kids, sister, and her kids. Marcos lived there also, but his room was sort of separate from our space. We were all sleeping when I heard a cell phone ringing. I got up to find the cell phone and then I realized it was Marcos'. For some reason he wasn't answering it, maybe it didn't wake him up. I picked it up and when I looked at the caller id it said "Juxtaposition" but I knew that it was his girlfriend. I answered the phone and said, "Hello" She said, "Hey! I was thinking that we could go Christmas shopping together later." She didn't realize that it was me and not Marcos. I told her, "I don't want to go Christmas shopping with you." Then she said, "Oh...I think I have to go." I was so angry! That she called him, that I talked to her, and that they were doing intimate things. I threw the phone at Marcos where he was sleeping (which was on the floor instead of his bed).
I yelled at him "Your stupid slut just called!"
He said, "You don't have any right calling her that. You don't know her."
"But I do know that we were together when you met her, I know that she knew you had a family, I know she knew about me!"
He got up and started getting dressed to leave. I saw that he had picked out a shirt to wear that I had bought him. I was so furious that he was going to wear something I bought to be around her. I took his shirt and dumped it in the toilet then brought it back to him and said, "There, you can have it now." He got really mad about this. He grabbed me by my wrists and bit my arm. When he let go, I yelled, "You want to bite me? I'll do it for you!!" Then I bit myself hard enough to make myself bleed. He let me go and sat down on the couch. He was looking at the negatives to film. Somehow, I knew that they were pictures of him and her. I grabbed them out of his hands and ripped them apart. He tried to hit me with a telephone cord. I took the cord from him and hit myself repeatedly, just staring at him while I was doing it. I dropped the cord, pushed him to the couch, and sat on top of him. Our noses were almost touching we were so close and I told him, "Nothing hurts as much as what you have done. It pierces my heart. It stabs me in my chest. I could show you."
I got up to walk out and I looked at the torn film and I thought that there were pictures of me and him on there. I told him, "Even if there were pictures of us, they don't matter any more. That is nothing now."
I have been having dreams kind of like this a lot lately. I have prayed that God would take them away. I hate having to wake up those mornings. I just think about Marcos and how much I am hurt by him. About how much I still love him and miss him. It's been 6 months now, I shouldn't still be crying over him, should I? I just want relief from these kinds of dreams. It hurts too much.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Interpretation
This kinda goes with the previous post but I wanted to make it's own little post. When Kalista had got done praying for my ear, Xander had said, "Me too! Me too! I pay you!" Which means "I want to pray for you too." I said "Okay but be careful. My ear really hurts." Well, most of the time when Xander prays no one can understand him because he makes a noise in his throat and moves his mouth but not in a way that makes words. It's kind of hard to explain; you just have to hear him pray one day. The only part we can understand is when he says "Amen!" really loud. He did his usual thing and then we all said Amen and then Kalista says in the most grown up look and voice: That's Okay. God can understand him. He (God) knows what he's saying."
I just had the biggest smile ever because it is so true! No matter what, God understands Xander and knows what he's saying. God knows Xander's heart and his thoughts. To God, Xander speaks with perfect articulation!
I just had the biggest smile ever because it is so true! No matter what, God understands Xander and knows what he's saying. God knows Xander's heart and his thoughts. To God, Xander speaks with perfect articulation!
Healed in the name of Jesus!
This is so exciting y'all!! On my last post I was telling you of my ear infection and how much it was hurting. I had prayed for it to be healed. I was just telling God that He could take it away right then or even just let my ear burst so it would take the pain away; I would be happy with either one. I just needed some kind of relief. But since so many people didn't want me to take the "Proactive-Needle" approach, I was just praying/begging for it. Well when the kids and I were getting ready for bed, I was complaining about how much my ear hurt. Kalista said, "I can pray for you. I can pray that it stops hurting." I said, "Okay, let's do this!" She put her hand over my ear and said, "Lord, let my Momma's ear stop hurting. Let her ear be healed, let her be healed right now. Please Lord make my Mommy feel better because I love her and she's hurting. Thank you, Amen." I thought it was so cute! It actually did start to feel a little bit better then but I didn't know if it was because of the prayer or the three 500 mg Tylenols I just took. We then laid down and I was just getting into the deep sleep when I heard 2 or 3 really loud pops in my hurt ear. Then I heard a whooshing sound and felt something running out of my ear. My ear had burst! It felt SOOOOOO much better!! There wasn't any more pain, no hotness, and no high pitch noise! There was a whole lot of blood and pus (just as I suspected) but no pain! Hallelujah!Thank you Jesus! All night all that junk was coming out of my ear (don't worry, I had tissue in my ear to soak it up) and I had to wake up every so often to change out the tissue in my ear because it was bleeding through the tissue. In my entire life, I have NEVER had an ear infection last this short of a time. I get them a lot because I don't know how to leave my ears alone and end up bruising my eardrum quite frequently. So, the point of this story was that my baby girl healed me by using the power of God. My baby has so much more faith already than I do now. She makes me believe in Jesus more than anything else in this world.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
my ear hurts X*(
Last night I woke up about 4 in the morning with my eardrum feeling like someone was holding it and squeezing as hard as they could. Why would someone want to do that? Anyway, I took Aleve and couldn't get back to sleep for a looong time. All during church today I was convinced that I was singing much too loudly since I could only hear my voice and not much else since my ears are all stuffy. I prayed about it for a little while but then forgot all about it when Bryan began his sermon. Once again, I felt like he was talking directly to me. He talked about how we do sinful things but expecting God's grace to cover us anyway. I am so guilty of that. I keep "abusing" the grace and salvation that Jesus died for. Anyway, I realized when I was standing in line for Communion that I could a hear a constant really high-pitch tone in my right (hurt) ear. That is REALLY annoying. It's been with me all day! Right now I just wish that my eardrum would just explode to relieve some of the pressure going in there. When I tilt my head, I can hear the liquid (most likely pus) swishing around. Yeah, how's that for a visual?? If it gets any worse, I am seriously thinking about just getting a needle and seeing if I can just pop it open. That would have to be than this!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Wii Exercise
So, like I heard from my friend who bought a Nintendo Wii that he would get tired after playing it. For those of you who don't know about Wii, it's a new kind of video game. It has two controls connected by a length of cable, the controls have remote sensors in them that lets the console know the location of your hands and the position that they are in. I probably didn't give it justice with that lame description so just look up Nintendo Wii in Google or something.
Anyway, I'm getting way off point here. He was telling me about how he would get tired after he finished playing and said that it would probably be a good way to exercise to lose weight. I didn't really think much about it at the time. I was like, "No way am I going to be a gaming dork just to lose weight."
Well, when I was looking at stuff on the internet, I came upon this website about a guy who decided to see if he could lose weight by using the Wii. He didn't change anything else in his daily regimen. He ate the same things, exercised (or didnt) the same, and only added 30 minutes of playing the Wii. He did lose weight, inches, gained muscle tone in 6 weeks.
So, I'm thinking I should get one of these things and become a gaming dork too! If it means I can have fun and lose weight I'm gonna do it!
Anyway, I'm getting way off point here. He was telling me about how he would get tired after he finished playing and said that it would probably be a good way to exercise to lose weight. I didn't really think much about it at the time. I was like, "No way am I going to be a gaming dork just to lose weight."
Well, when I was looking at stuff on the internet, I came upon this website about a guy who decided to see if he could lose weight by using the Wii. He didn't change anything else in his daily regimen. He ate the same things, exercised (or didnt) the same, and only added 30 minutes of playing the Wii. He did lose weight, inches, gained muscle tone in 6 weeks.
So, I'm thinking I should get one of these things and become a gaming dork too! If it means I can have fun and lose weight I'm gonna do it!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
My Internet Sucks
Well, I am sure you can tell what I am thinking according to this entry's title. All weekend long my internet has not worked. It would tease me by letting me onto my homepage (at dial-up pace) and when I tried to go to any other page it would "Cannot Display Page" all over the place. Well, today I tried to get on AGAIN. I was just sitting here waaaaaaaiiiiiittting for my homepage to load when I thought I should use that time to straighten up my desk. When I picked up the modem, the page loaded up instantly. I wanted to check to make sure it wasn't just a coincedence with it just finally loading up completely at the same exact time as me lifting up the modem. I put my theory to the test. I went to another website while holding the modem up in the air and, voila, my internet did what it's supposed to. So, now I am doing the internet with the modem in the air. Reminds me of the good old days with rabbit ears. :)
Monday, January 15, 2007
Words to Love You
I have been stuck inside my house this whole weekend with nothing to do but lay in bed and try to sleep so I can stop feeling so yucky. I just had to get the flu the same weekend we have an icestorm! And (i am guessing because of the weather) my internet isn't working so I couldn't even get on and "surf." (i'm at work right now) Anyway, Saturday night at about 2 in the morning ( i couldn't sleep because I kept coughing painfully) I was listening to some christian music. It wasn't like the music we listen to in church but I still felt like I was praising God. I found myself lifting up my hands, closing my eyes, and looking up wanting Him to hear my words, my voice, my heart. It was so good! So, anyway, I kind of wanted to make a list of my fave christian songs I love to sing to Jesus! Here it goes:
- Made to Love - Toby Mac
- The Way - Telecast
- Love Song - Third Day
- Better is One Day - Kutless
- Shine - Salvador
- Never Let Go - Matt Redman
- Sanctuary - Jaci Velasquez
- Right Here - KJ-52
- Amazing Grace - Tori Amos
- Heavenly Hills - Apologetix
- My King - Nobody Famous
- Enough - Barlow Girl
- Cannot Hide My Love - Hillsong
- Lay It Down - Jaci Velasquez
- When the Rain Comes - Third Day
Those aren't all of them but those are the top ones I feel move my spirit. Right now, superfavorite is Made to Love by Toby Mac. His new CD isn't out yet I just heard it for the first time the other day and it rang so true to my heart.
The Chorus goes, "I was made to love You, I was made to find You, I was made just for You, made to adore You. I was made to love and be loved by You.
You were here before me, you were waiting on me. And you said you'd keep me, never would you leave me!"
So good.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Update on El Trabajo
That's right, I talked spanish! I was going back to my roots for a minute there. Anyway. I just wanted to kind of give an update about my job as of late. I have come in to some VERY good fortune (i should say blessings. soooo I will say blessings), ahem, blessings in relation to my job and other areas.
Have I ever told you how much I love our Lord Almighty! He is an AWESOME GOD!! Well, I found out today that I am getting a raise. yay for me! And not only that, I am getting a monthly allowance for Health Insurance Now!! I can finally go to the doctor for that pesky AIDS.
Totally just kidding! But I can for real go to the doctor for all my "womanly" stuff. Another thing is that I feel totally convicted about all those things I said about my boss. I am really trying to keep in my mind that he is just human, like me. I know I mess up A LOT (if you don't know this, have you even been paying attention to my blogs??) and I know that Jesus wants me to be more forgiving and waaaaay less judgemental. I was telling Boss about my refrigerator and it's latest talent of turning off for no reason and how my freezer stuff melted and all that. Well, right then he gets on the phone and asks a friend to start looking for a new fridge for me. His friend (who is also my friend-mad props to J.D.) found several that day. We went to go look at them, and to be honest, I thought they would be crap. But they weren't! They were marvelous. The whole time I was thinking of a way I could come up with the money to buy this awesome refrigerator when J.D. tells me that Boss is buying it for me!!!!! I picked out a Side-by-Side with a water & ice cube thing on it. I am so blessed y'all!! For real yo!
Oh another thing that I am very grateful for is that my child support is being raised too! Marcos was only paying $150 a month for BOTH of our kids. Now he has to pay $402 a month. I felt bad at first about it, but then I didn't because he chose not to show up to our hearing and plus it takes a lot more than that to raise our children.
So, anyway, I wish everyone could see the bear-hug I am giving God!
Have I ever told you how much I love our Lord Almighty! He is an AWESOME GOD!! Well, I found out today that I am getting a raise. yay for me! And not only that, I am getting a monthly allowance for Health Insurance Now!! I can finally go to the doctor for that pesky AIDS.
Totally just kidding! But I can for real go to the doctor for all my "womanly" stuff. Another thing is that I feel totally convicted about all those things I said about my boss. I am really trying to keep in my mind that he is just human, like me. I know I mess up A LOT (if you don't know this, have you even been paying attention to my blogs??) and I know that Jesus wants me to be more forgiving and waaaaay less judgemental. I was telling Boss about my refrigerator and it's latest talent of turning off for no reason and how my freezer stuff melted and all that. Well, right then he gets on the phone and asks a friend to start looking for a new fridge for me. His friend (who is also my friend-mad props to J.D.) found several that day. We went to go look at them, and to be honest, I thought they would be crap. But they weren't! They were marvelous. The whole time I was thinking of a way I could come up with the money to buy this awesome refrigerator when J.D. tells me that Boss is buying it for me!!!!! I picked out a Side-by-Side with a water & ice cube thing on it. I am so blessed y'all!! For real yo!
Oh another thing that I am very grateful for is that my child support is being raised too! Marcos was only paying $150 a month for BOTH of our kids. Now he has to pay $402 a month. I felt bad at first about it, but then I didn't because he chose not to show up to our hearing and plus it takes a lot more than that to raise our children.
So, anyway, I wish everyone could see the bear-hug I am giving God!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants
So, for a while I have been dating/friends with a guy who will remain anonymous until further notice. We will call him "?". Anyway, ? and I have a really strange and complicated relationship from the beginning. In the beginning our relationship started out in the worst possible way. I was cheating on Marcos with ?. I tried several times to break it off but I would inevitably go back to him over something insignificant or trivial that happened in my "real" relationship. I sought out spiritual counseling from another couple from my church but then would lie to them so I could continue my sin with ?.
I hate who I was then. I hurt ? just as much as I hurt my family. He was always there whenever I decided I wanted to "play". To him though, it wasn't just play. He had his heart in the relationship. The truth is, I was being a selfish brat. It cost me dearly. I lost respect for myself, from my daughter, and Marcos. I didn't trust Marcos anymore because of my actions. Yeah, I know...totally backwards.
When I finally started moving forward in my faith, I realized what kind of sin I was committing. I changed everything a few weeks leading up to the BFW. I really felt that God was speaking to me about the relationships in my life. I felt Him so close to my heart. I saw how much I was hurting both ? and Marcos, even though by this time I wasn't doing anything but talking to ?. But I was still having those thoughts and feelings. I was still keeping an avenue open just in case I needed to get "even" with Marcos. After the BFW, I became dedicated like never before to Marcos. I was totally convicted about my actions. I knew that God didn't want me to ration out my body like it was governemnt commodities. He wanted me to see myself as He sees me. As something that should be cherished, adored, and most of all waited for. I do have to say that the whole thing with Marcos did not work out how I imagined. But this isn't my plan afterall, it's God's. He has a proven track record of knowing what is better for me.
Well, anyway. About a month after Marcos moving on without us, I began talking to ? once again. I had no intentions whatsoever of making a serious relationship with him. I just wanted companionship and fill that void I was constantly feeling. He would listen to me while I was crying over Marcos and just hold me. He has always been so constant, NO MATTER WHAT I have done. Believe me, I have done some really cruel things to ? and still he doesn't waiver. So here we are 4 months down the road. I am still trying to work on my sex issues and my spiritual growth. ? knows how much I wanted to be married. He tells me he would marry me if I would let him. I do want to be married but I don't want to be married to the wrong man. My feelings aren't as strong or constant as his. I still love Marcos. I hate it, but it's true. I have prayed over my relationship w/ ? so many times, and I think I have received the answer before but just have ignored it because of my selfishness. I feel it in my heart that ? just isn't the one I am supposed to be married to. The only reason he goes to church right now is because I go and he wants to spend more time with me. I don't want that. In all my prayers about my future husband, I always ask for a man who worships the Lord whole-heartedly and without any reserve. I can't exactly force ? to love God the way I do either.
It's just so confusing. On paper, he looks like the perfect guy for me; but in my heart, it feels wrong. But I don't know if I feel that way because he doesn't treat me like crap or if I am still not over Marcos or if I am still thinking that I want to "play" instead of being committed. I am so sorry this entry is really jumbled up. I am just putting things down as they come to my mind. I am also sorry that this entry isn't as uplifting and funny as my others. There's a lot more to this story (aka drama) but my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts and they way they are twisting around right now. I guess I need CLEAR guidance and peace.
I hate who I was then. I hurt ? just as much as I hurt my family. He was always there whenever I decided I wanted to "play". To him though, it wasn't just play. He had his heart in the relationship. The truth is, I was being a selfish brat. It cost me dearly. I lost respect for myself, from my daughter, and Marcos. I didn't trust Marcos anymore because of my actions. Yeah, I know...totally backwards.
When I finally started moving forward in my faith, I realized what kind of sin I was committing. I changed everything a few weeks leading up to the BFW. I really felt that God was speaking to me about the relationships in my life. I felt Him so close to my heart. I saw how much I was hurting both ? and Marcos, even though by this time I wasn't doing anything but talking to ?. But I was still having those thoughts and feelings. I was still keeping an avenue open just in case I needed to get "even" with Marcos. After the BFW, I became dedicated like never before to Marcos. I was totally convicted about my actions. I knew that God didn't want me to ration out my body like it was governemnt commodities. He wanted me to see myself as He sees me. As something that should be cherished, adored, and most of all waited for. I do have to say that the whole thing with Marcos did not work out how I imagined. But this isn't my plan afterall, it's God's. He has a proven track record of knowing what is better for me.
Well, anyway. About a month after Marcos moving on without us, I began talking to ? once again. I had no intentions whatsoever of making a serious relationship with him. I just wanted companionship and fill that void I was constantly feeling. He would listen to me while I was crying over Marcos and just hold me. He has always been so constant, NO MATTER WHAT I have done. Believe me, I have done some really cruel things to ? and still he doesn't waiver. So here we are 4 months down the road. I am still trying to work on my sex issues and my spiritual growth. ? knows how much I wanted to be married. He tells me he would marry me if I would let him. I do want to be married but I don't want to be married to the wrong man. My feelings aren't as strong or constant as his. I still love Marcos. I hate it, but it's true. I have prayed over my relationship w/ ? so many times, and I think I have received the answer before but just have ignored it because of my selfishness. I feel it in my heart that ? just isn't the one I am supposed to be married to. The only reason he goes to church right now is because I go and he wants to spend more time with me. I don't want that. In all my prayers about my future husband, I always ask for a man who worships the Lord whole-heartedly and without any reserve. I can't exactly force ? to love God the way I do either.
It's just so confusing. On paper, he looks like the perfect guy for me; but in my heart, it feels wrong. But I don't know if I feel that way because he doesn't treat me like crap or if I am still not over Marcos or if I am still thinking that I want to "play" instead of being committed. I am so sorry this entry is really jumbled up. I am just putting things down as they come to my mind. I am also sorry that this entry isn't as uplifting and funny as my others. There's a lot more to this story (aka drama) but my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts and they way they are twisting around right now. I guess I need CLEAR guidance and peace.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Jobby-job
I have been thinking about my place of employment lately, since I started working there in August. When I was hired there, I thought that God had done everything except pick me up and carry me to that place. I really felt that it was the place for me to grow, show my talents, learn, be fed, to stay, to give everything I could. I still feel that way just with a different perspective. After about two months of working there, I didn't think I could take it anymore. My "boss" (and i use that term very loosely, like parachute pants loose) was very un-there. He offered practically no guidance, leadership, or support. On many different occasions, he would tell one "member" something, then when they would get in trouble for following his directions, he would totally change his story. I even made up a name for the maneuver he does: I call it the Teflon. Whenever any kind of responsibility comes to him, He does the Teflon. What he does is spray himself with verbal teflon so that nothing is ever his responsibility. When people would come into counseling (this actually happened to me personally), he would call his wife without asking them if it's okay he invites a total stranger into the counseling session. I mean, HELLO! I came there to talk to the guy who does the counseling as a profession, not his wife! When I was hired, he promised me certain benefits, office furniture, and a pay that I never saw. On two different occasions, he has brought up VERY personal business of mine in front of other members without asking me. I don't mean like he brought up that I'm on a ice-cube only diet or that I am obsessed with Star Trek. I mean he brought up my sexual past and my criminal history. Yeah.... Oh, and he did all this while only being in the office a max of 10 hours a week. Well, anyway, back to the 2 month mark. I was so freaking stressed out about my work. I was crying everyday when I went home, almost everyday I would say to myself, "Today is the day I am going to stab/shoot/maim him." But, of course, I did none of those things. I prayed relentlessly. I also talked to the only other employee in the office who had already been there for 2 years (longer than boss). He would calm me down, make me see that it's just a job, the boss wont be there for very long (that's the kind of establishment it is), and that everything will be okay. I was still stressing over all the junk. Then one day, I just said to myself, "This isn't going to get any better soon. Either suck it up or do something." I quit speaking all the bad things. I was just perpetuating a cycle with all that. And I just decided that I was letting my JOB ruin my happiness so I was just going to not take it so serious. I gave the anger and resentment over to God and let Him heal my heart in that area. I can say that 3 months later that I am much more at peace with where I am at. There are still things that make me want to go postal, but I try my best to deal with them in the best way I can. I am committed to this job. I love it now. I love the people I work for (there's about 150 of them) and I care about them. I want to do anything I can to make things better, easier, more enjoyable for them. And you know, a lot of them love me back. I get flowers, gifts, and compliments galore from them. They make it so much worth it. Especially a chosen few! I have changed my whole life for this job alone. I moved my family from Abilene to Clyde into a house that said establishment owns because they needed revenue from it. (and it doesn't hurt that its right next to the church, and it is so freaking awesome!!!!). This is where I am at. This is where my children are going to school. God is taking care of my family and blessing us in ways that I never thought possible. Although, I would have to say that it would be great if He blessed me with a refrigerator that doesn't have it's own colony of mold growing on it. It's really kind of gross. I am going to put saran wrap all over it so we won't be contaminated when we open the fridge. But I am very grateful for it. It was only $100 and it came just in time for the house to be inspected and pass. So, anyway, I don't really know the point of this blog, other than to put my thoughts on paper, i mean on screen? I don't know, you get what I mean.
Much love! And peace out!
Holla!
Much love! And peace out!
Holla!
Monday, January 01, 2007
Free at last! Free at last!....and some other stuff
The Pharaoh has finally let my people go! Hallelujah & Praise the LORD! My family is officially lice-free!! Does anyone want to know the secret to getting rid of these horrible things? Okay, it wasn't all the poisionous toxins, it wasn't the continuous washing of everything not nailed down, it wasn't lysoling everything til it's dripping with ethanol, it wasn't saturating our heads in olive oil for 8 hours straight, and it sure wasn't the crying and the stomping around. It was prayer and a whole lotta combing with the expensive metal lice combs for 3 days and then a follow up every 3 or 4 days. Yup. So simple. There was no need to do all that other crap. Do you know how much RID & NIX made off my family alone?? I should buy stock in those darn companies! They should be sending me thank you notes for the employees' christmas bonuses! They should come out with a new line of solution named after my kids! There should be a scholarship to LICE College established in honor of the Chavez family! I should get a VIP card with frequent delicer miles or something. I should....okay, I ran out, but I think you get the gist of what I am trying to say here. Totally ridiculous! That's money I could have spent on other stuff like adding to my collection of broken coffee cups. Okay, okay, I don't really have a broken coffee cup collection, but I totally could. Anyway, I just kinda wanted to get that out there, the good news I mean.
Another thing that is kind of on my mind is (yes, you guessed it) Marcos. Yes, yes I know. He is a total loser. Why it took 7 years for me to figure this out, I have no clue. I am more angry now that I didn't see it earlier than I am about anything else now. Well, that and the way he acts like being a father is a thing that can be turned off or whatever. GGGRRRRRR! (that was me growling, not choking or getting my 'g' and 'r' keys stuck with caps lock on) Yesterday when I woke up I was thinking about how the kids are starting school this week and so they will be seeing even less of their father because his two days off are on Monday and Tuesday every week. So I called him to see if he would like them to stay the night with him since it will be their last chance for a while. Marcos' response: "Well, I plan on getting really f***ed up and I don't want kids there with me getting drunk." What freaking planet is this guy from? What in his little brain makes him think I WANT to know that? I just said, "Yeah, okay, that's too much information and I gotta go." I know the way I was feeling right then wasn't real christian and I am working on that. I just felt like punching him. Anywho, me and the kids had fun anyway. Amanda rented like 9 movies and we watched them all. We had cheese sticks and chicken nuggets to eat. Although, sadly, I have to admit that the kids stayed up later than I did. I am such a wuss now! I was actually glad that they stayed home because whenever they leave, I just feel so empty.
Yet another topic. I do NOT like animals; especially cats or dogs. Their hair ends up on everything, makes my allergies act all crazy, and they're always wanting something like to eat, or go outside or something! Anyway, yesterday there was a cat oustide my house harrassing (i call it harrassing but the kids call it playing or whatever) the kids when they were riding their bikes. The cat seriously would not leave. I finally let it inside (i'm a sucker for the kids) and gave it some balogna and water. Then Amanda and I took the kids on a walk/bike ride (it's walk/bike ride because amanda and i both do not own bikes so we had to walk while the kids sorta rode their bikes while they weren't running into each other, curbs, plants, etc etc) to the Dollar Store. Amanda bought cat food and a water/food dish and I got it a collar with a bell. It totally hates the collar but at least I know where it is at now. So now we have a cat that drives my allergies crazy. Yeah..... Oh!!!!!! I bet you can't guess what the kids named it!! I will give you a hint: It's a woman's name from a VERY famous modern sci-fi movie that loosely represents Jesus' life. Whoever can guess right get's a $5 bill!!!!! Yay! I love excitement!
Another thing that is kind of on my mind is (yes, you guessed it) Marcos. Yes, yes I know. He is a total loser. Why it took 7 years for me to figure this out, I have no clue. I am more angry now that I didn't see it earlier than I am about anything else now. Well, that and the way he acts like being a father is a thing that can be turned off or whatever. GGGRRRRRR! (that was me growling, not choking or getting my 'g' and 'r' keys stuck with caps lock on) Yesterday when I woke up I was thinking about how the kids are starting school this week and so they will be seeing even less of their father because his two days off are on Monday and Tuesday every week. So I called him to see if he would like them to stay the night with him since it will be their last chance for a while. Marcos' response: "Well, I plan on getting really f***ed up and I don't want kids there with me getting drunk." What freaking planet is this guy from? What in his little brain makes him think I WANT to know that? I just said, "Yeah, okay, that's too much information and I gotta go." I know the way I was feeling right then wasn't real christian and I am working on that. I just felt like punching him. Anywho, me and the kids had fun anyway. Amanda rented like 9 movies and we watched them all. We had cheese sticks and chicken nuggets to eat. Although, sadly, I have to admit that the kids stayed up later than I did. I am such a wuss now! I was actually glad that they stayed home because whenever they leave, I just feel so empty.
Yet another topic. I do NOT like animals; especially cats or dogs. Their hair ends up on everything, makes my allergies act all crazy, and they're always wanting something like to eat, or go outside or something! Anyway, yesterday there was a cat oustide my house harrassing (i call it harrassing but the kids call it playing or whatever) the kids when they were riding their bikes. The cat seriously would not leave. I finally let it inside (i'm a sucker for the kids) and gave it some balogna and water. Then Amanda and I took the kids on a walk/bike ride (it's walk/bike ride because amanda and i both do not own bikes so we had to walk while the kids sorta rode their bikes while they weren't running into each other, curbs, plants, etc etc) to the Dollar Store. Amanda bought cat food and a water/food dish and I got it a collar with a bell. It totally hates the collar but at least I know where it is at now. So now we have a cat that drives my allergies crazy. Yeah..... Oh!!!!!! I bet you can't guess what the kids named it!! I will give you a hint: It's a woman's name from a VERY famous modern sci-fi movie that loosely represents Jesus' life. Whoever can guess right get's a $5 bill!!!!! Yay! I love excitement!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Can I Get a Witness?
I am so blessed y'all! I spent the night for the first time in my new house last night! Yay for me! My house has an automatic garage door opener, doorbell, built-in microwave, AND is like less than a 10 yards (as in 3 feet each, not like people front yards) away from my work!!!!!! A very wonderful woman named Sue Bell (some of you know her, some of you dont [who "you" are, i have no idea]) let me borrow her truck and very expensive enclosed trailer to move my furniture and belongings yesterday. She is so sweet! One time there was a little festival here in Clyde that my sister and I were going to take the kids to but when we got there, we realized that they charge just to get in and then everything in there cost money. With 2 adults and 4 kids, that really adds up. So Amanda and I were walking away when I saw Sue and she asked why we were leaving and I told her why. She slipped me a $20, gave me a hug, and told me to buy something for the kids. Just thinking about it now, it makes me tear up! She is so wonderful! Well, anyway, Sue let me borrow the truck and trailer yesterday. She trusted me with it to take it home and everything!! Can you believe it?? Obviously she has never witnessed me driving! :) Then my brother acted very out of character for him and came over to help my sister and me move my furniture into the trailer. He even backed it up for me because I had no clue what to do with that thing. So far, we have moved my bed, gigantic-2-ton TV, entertainment center, two couches, and lots of boxes with junk in it. On a side note, we brought all that major stuff right? Well, what we did NOT bring was: toothbrush, toothpaste, toilet paper, soap, makeup, my facial stuff (have to do that every single night), blankets, or towels. So, yeah we made a little quick trip to Allsup's last night for at least some T.P. I guess we just got so excited! Oh, oh! Something else cool about my house is that there is a lamplight in my frontyard. It is beautiful! Also there is a fake well too! How cool is that!!!!!!! I feel so grownup! It's crazy. I feel like I have finally arrived in Adulthood-dom (i know, i know, not a word, but who cares? This is my blog darn it!).
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I Forsake You in the Name of Jesus!
Okay, the title might be a little dramatic but I am feeling kind of desperate right now. About two months ago, Kalista came home with lice. Ever since then, I have washed her and Xander with RID four times, NIX two times, sanitized our whole apartment seven times, covered her head in olive oil 3 times, cut my and Kalista's hair, shaved Xander's head, I even stayed at my sister's house for the whole Thanksgiving break after sanitizing my apartment, and still we have lice. I am so at a lost about this. Right now, Kalista's hair is saturated in Olive Oil with a plastic bag over it. Before doing it today, I prayed over it. I don't know if Jesus heals cases of lice, but I am sincerely hoping He does. Does anyone have any "special" tricks to getting rid of lice or can think of anything that I might have not possibly tried? We are fixing to move this week and I do NOT want my children to have lice going to a new school. Even if you don't know of anything to help, please just pray for us. I am tired of stressing about this and crying over it. For some reason, this has just got me feeling really defeated.
Thy Will Be Done. Not Mine, but Yours
I absolutely love my Church's Pastor. Today he gave a really awesome sermon (when doesnt he?) about the hindrances that keep us from worshiping God fully. And on one of my other blogs, a friend of mine had left a comment about me letting God heal my wound. She was 100% correct. She said that sometimes it is really painful for us to let go of the wound so God could clean it out. During today's sermon, I realized that was what I was doing. I was scared to uncover it, to show it all to God, to let Him just dig deep and get all the yucky stuff out. I wanted to keep it covered and try to ignore it while it got infected and festered into a big huge ugly oozing thing of hate, hurt, resentment, and unforgiveness.
This is my declaration RIGHT now: I am giving over this broken heart to You, God. I know this will hurt. I won't get the "justice" I think I am deserving. But I know You will make me whole again. Your love will fill me and give me new life. I give all this up to You Lord. Everytime I have followed You in the past, I grew, was blessed, and filled even more with Your spirit.
This is my declaration RIGHT now: I am giving over this broken heart to You, God. I know this will hurt. I won't get the "justice" I think I am deserving. But I know You will make me whole again. Your love will fill me and give me new life. I give all this up to You Lord. Everytime I have followed You in the past, I grew, was blessed, and filled even more with Your spirit.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Clyde, Here I Come!
I am finally moving to Clyde! Yay! It has been a long battle but then this month, I received a blessing straight from the Lord and he finagled the whole deal and now I am moving to Clyde!! My electricity was turned on Tuesday, the 12th and my water was turned on today! Now, all I have to do is pack all my junk. Yuck! I wish I knew some people who would do it for me...for free! Yeah, I won't be holding my breath for that one. I am so excited. The house (i havent lived in an actual house in almost 4 years) I am moving into is literally feet away from my work. The Church's playground is practically in my backyard. It has a garage AND a garage door opener!!! I feel like such a grownup! And what makes it so much better is that I am doing all this without Marcos. I have always depended on him so much for everything and now I am depending on God, the best husband EVER. God has done so much in my life, I just can't wait for what's next! He has been healing my heart, He has given me this awesome job in a church, He made the way for me to live in Clyde, He has given me an awesome church family, He has given me relationships with great women of faith {or worth:)}. I am blessed, blessed, blessed!
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