I See Dead People...Not Really, I See GOD!

Allright people. I am so PUMPED! I have been so close to God for the past week, well since Wednesday when He healed me. I have been seeing His visions and hearing him speak to my heart. Yay Jesus!

Anyway, let me continue. On Sunday when the song that talks about drinking from His cup and sitting at His feet, and feeling His heartbeat I heard God talk to me. Whenever I heard that song before, I would get a great sadness in my heart because I wanted that with my husband. I felt like the song spoke what a wife does with a husband. But on Sunday, when I was worshiping and singing that song I heard God tell me over and over I AM YOUR HUSBAND. I AM YOUR HUSBAND. I AM YOUR HUSBAND. He was stressing to me that HE was my husband. He loved me more than any man ever could. He wanted me to sit at his feet, He wanted me to lean on Him for support, He wanted to feel my heartbeat while I felt His. He wanted me as His wife. He wanted me to know what it felt like to know that He had chosen me to be His bride over any other. At WOW, we sang that song again. I heard God once again but He also gave me a vision this time. A lot of times when I am at home, I get really lonely. I feel like I am isolated and alone. In my vision I saw myself sitting on the couch watching T.V. as usual but beside me was Jesus. He was sitting where my husband would. I saw myself in the kitchen cooking (yes, it does happen without fires people) and he was in there talking to me like a husband would. I saw myself doing the laundry and there He was again. He showed me in my vision that He is just like a husband to me no matter what I am doing and no matter how alone I feel. I started weeping when I was singing because I finally got it. I got just how much Jesus loves me. I finally felt Him loving me so much it hurt. I feel His presence now. I feel Him! My true husband who will NEVER abandon me or be embarrassed of me.

67

I have been wanting to blog about this particular subject for awhile. I was getting ready to the other night but could not remember what I was supposed to be blogging about for the life of me. I actually sat down in front of my computer and was about to start typing when my mind went blank. The only thing that I could think of when I was trying to remember what I wanted to blog about was the number 67. When I saw it in my mind's eye, it wasn't in the numerical form but written out like: sixty-seven. Totally weird. That's all I could think of when I would try to remember. Anytime my mind started thinking about the blog and the subject I was going to talk about, that number would come up instead. I have no idea what it means. The next morning when I woke up, I finally remembered but I could still see/feel that number in the underneath the thing I was thinking about. Totally weird. Like it was a name or something. Anyway, let me just let y'all know what I wanted to blog about in the beginning.

Okay, this may seem really weird to some people and kind of gross to others. But Pam said that more people would actually get it than I think. About 4 1/2 months ago I was thinking about wanting a husband (again) and about how I heard about other people doing things for their spouses before they even met them. Like keeping their virginity, writing love letters, praying for them, etc. Well, the whole virginity thing was out the window (yes, Pam, I know God can "restore" that stuff but it's still not the same as me willingly waiting) and I do pray for my future husband. Well, anyway, I was thinking about all this and I was trying to think of a way that I could prove MY dedication to him. And I came up with something...The last time I shaved my legs was the day of the WOW Christmas Party which I believe was right after Thanksgiving. My reasoning is this: If I don't shave my legs, I cannot be naked with a man thus proving my loyalty to my future husband (FH from now on). And if there is a guy out there who doesn't mind bushy legs, I'm not sure I really want to be with him anyway. This is a sacrifice I am making for my FH. My legs feel uncomfortable, itchy, and really weird when I have worn socks all day. This is to show FH that even though I didn't do "other" things to show my dedication to him, I am doing this. And in the summer, I won't be able to wear shorts or skirts which is another sacrifice for him. I don't know if I am explaining this all the right way. You can ask me about it if you have questions or whatever. I don't mind. It's kind of like fasting with a razor. Another thing I was thinking about is that a way I could know if a man is the FH God means for me is if he gets what I am doing and doesn't think it's stupid or whacked. He will understand my intent and the love that is behind it.

Forced into this

Was anyone else FORCED to move your blogs to the new blogger? It said Would you like to move your blog to the new blogger? and then not give a choice to say no. Bunch of bullies.

Xander-isms

Here a few cute little sayings that Xander says.

• You Got a Kid On Me! (you gotta be kidding me!)
• You Pizza Me, Bodyworks? (you wanna piece of me, fireworks.)(I don't know why he says fireworks though. maybe it adds extra "umph" to him)
• Told to Erica at Kari's babyshower: Hey! Great Potty! (Hey! Great Party!)
• You Rahtee Me! (I would like to challenge you to a Karate match)

I love it!

So MANY Blessings!

Okay, guys, prepared to see how wonderful God is! I have received so many wonderful blessings this week! So many blessings that I'm dropping them because I can't carry them all! Oh my gosh, I am so excited about everything God is doing for me and to me. I had prayed last Sunday night for God to show me that He loves, that He remembers I am alive, that I haven't been forgotten about. Oh, He did that and so much more! Well, okay, let me quit rambling and just tell y'all what the dealio is.

First Blessing! :)!!

Boss came into the office Monday morning way earlier than usual, like before lunch. He asked me to come into his office to have a "talk" with him. I was so like, "Uh-oh" He first asked me if I was doing okay (a lot of people have been asking me that lately. mostly because they could see my mood wasn't what it usually was) and I told him Yeah, of course. He then started telling me that he was sorry for not being in the office as much as he should have been, that he wanted to know any way that he could help me do my job and work. How fantastic is that?? I had prayed for so long that God would help me in this situation and He did! Hi-Five God!

Second Blessing!

I was notified by mail that I have nominated by my instructors at TSTC to be added to the list in the American Junior College's Book of Who's Who. That is so neat and validating! Yay me! Almost makes my ridiculous amount of student loans worth it.

Third Blessing!

I have told a few people about the depression I have been going through lately. I have suffered from depression since I was about 11. I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself. My Mom put me on antidepressants when I was a Junior in High School because of a really close call with suicide. I think there was a lot of environmental and genetic problems that contributed to my depression. Anyway, I think you get the idea of how long this disease has plagued me. Last week, it was hitting me hard again. I would fantasize about the ways I could end my life. I just felt like everything I had ever done or would do would just end up crap. So, like, my great friend Pam suggested I make a Theophostic appointment at the church. So, I did. That day, Wednesday, I prayed all day for God to let me open to Him, for Him to show me how to let the Holy Spirit work and not let there be any resistance in me. I kept seeing a vision in my mind's eye of me ripping open my chest to let everything that God had for me into my heart, that's how open I wanted to be for Him. I wanted to do anything I could get relief from the heaviness. I showed up to the appointment with Brenda and Pam and we got to doing our thing. I was really unsure I was doing it right. When they asked me questions, I just answered whatever came to my mind first (hint: Holy Spirit). So, guess what?? I have been delivered of my depression!! I am not even taking my medicine! I did that day when I got home but it gave me a headache and made me feel sick. Like it would to someone who is taking it but not needing it!! The Holy Spirit also helped me be free of my hurt and anger from Marcos. Seriously guys, do you know how much that helps me? I still love Marcos, but it's not a hurt-love. It's a love that is pure and not full of resentment, bitterness, and hate. Funny how love can be mixed with those emotions. So good, so good! Hallelujah! I have been healed by the Holy Spirit!

Fourth Blessing!

I have been having a bit of a financial struggle since I moved into my new house here in Clyde. My rent increased like by a 1000% In Abilene, I only paid $4 a month for rent and here I have been paying $305. Huge increase along with increase in electricity and added water bill (didn't have to pay water in abilene). I also just began paying the DPS to get my driver's license reinstated. So all these things at once with no real increase in pay has been a bit stressful. Today I got a call from my HUD (they help me pay my rent) caseworker. She told me when I was recertified and she had input my income amount, the calculations were wrong. It turns out that I should not be paying $305 a month, but $141 a month!!!!! This is SOOOO good! This frees up so much more money I will be able to put towards other bills. Pam, can I get a witness??

Fifth Blessing!

When I moved out of my apartment in Abilene, I broke my lease. I was allowed to do so if I were to pay a reletting fee of $497. When I told my job, people got together and all picthed in to pay it for me, out of their own pockets! Amazing! That in itself is a blessing. Today in the mail I received an invoice from the apartment place telling me what all I owed. Well, because I left my apartment in such good condition (a first for me) that applied my deposit of $200 towards the reletting fee, so now all I owe is $297! Some people at the church will now get their money back. So awesome!

Migraines Suck

So, like, I have a huge migraine. It's a peircing pain of agony in my left temple. It's hurting so bad my left eye keeps twitching and trying to close up. Lord, please here my cry and make it stop!

You Think You Know Me

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. McDonalds
2. Allsups
3. Gill's Fried Chicken
4. First United Methodist Church

Movies I would watch over and over:
5. The Others
6. Robots
7. X-Men triology
8. Underworld I & II

Four places you have lived:
9. El Paso, TX
10. Alpine, TX
11. Sweetwater, TX
12. Abilene, TX

Four places you have been on vacation:
13. Disneyland
14. Sea World, San Antonio
15. Waxahachie, TX
16. South Padre Island, TX

Four of my favorite foods are:
17. Little Pit's Chicken Enchiladas
18. Amanda's Chicken & Dumplings
19. Johnny Carino's Italian Chicken Nachos
20. Erica's chicken stuff she makes
(notice how none of these foods are my own makings, read earlier blog for reference)

Four places I would rather be right now:
21. In bed
22. Heaven
23. church
24. hanging out with friends

Four friends I think will respond:
25. Pamellotta
26. Prosserocity
27. Brenda Marie
28. Frantastic

Copy and paste on your own blog. Delete my answers and insert your own. Have fun!

The Truth

Correction

Okay, I noticed that the link I had for Rev. Fun was not working on my previous post, so I tried to go back and fix it. It then linked to a totally different website. But, now I have finally fixed it. So you can either go click on #9 or just click here for the website. Sorry!

101

Okay, usually I don't like to do things that other people are doing just because they are doing them. But I was reading Pam's 100 list and I just really wanted to make one of my own, so here it is. 101 things I Love!

1. the Holy Spirit
2. Grace
3. Kalista
4. Xander
5. Amanda, my soul mate
6. Alexis
7. Anoe
8. forgiveness
9. Rev. Fun.com
10. Wrigley Spearmint gum
11. Q-tips
12. reading my friends' blogs
13. seeing my name listed on my friends' blogs links
14. dinner at erica's
15. my new refridgerator (pictures coming soon)
16. my garage door opener
17. my spongebob mouse
18. spongebob mousepad
19. spongebob keyboard stickers
20. the really cool lipgloss from bed, bath, and beyond Brandi told me about
21. Cherry Mikeska's daily dose of telling me I'm beautiful
22. paychecks
23. hearing the bells chime every day every hour from 9 am to 9 pm
24. my pink hawaiian watch that glows
25. Tide with downy
26. kissing the skin on my children's necks
27. blogging
28. apple butter
29. balsamic vinegaraitte
30. the good memories with marcos
31. my mom's laugh
32. when my sister braids my hair
33. fridays
34. online billpay
35. macaroni and cheese
36. hydrogen peroxide in my ear
37. curves workout
38. friends who don't judge
39. being lice-free
40. fire extinguishers
41. old navy online
42. looooooooong, hot showers
43. internet
44. not having to buy diapers
45. God is remolding me
46. the smell of wood burning
47. cell phones
48. favorite pens
49. coffee cups with cute sayings
50. nike pumps
51. velcro
52. bleach
53. neosporin
54. the water fountain in my refrigerator
55. the ice maker in my refrigerator
56. the memory of my father
57. who I am today and delivered from who I was yesterday
58. independent films
59. my womb
60. Kingdom Life Fellowship
61. sunflowers
62. America
63. random ice storms that bring Texas to a screeching halt
64. technology
65. inventions
66. doorknobs (think about how hard it would be without them)
67. hearing my children breathe while sleeping
68. becky's beautiful photographs
69. rachel's open heart
70. erica's awesome hair
71. brenda's unmistakable laugh
72. cherith's bouncy hair and personality
73. my future husband God has waiting for me
74. schwan's
75. pam's understanding ways
76. unsweet peach tea from sonic
77. Mexican Fridays at Little Pit
78. lime green
79. the way erica never gets frustrated or irritated with me and AALLLL my cooking questions
80. carmex
81. favorites (as in the list you keep on the internet of your favorite sites)
82. long hair
83. the last day of my period
84. worshiping
85. my revlon flat iron (although, a chi would be better)
86. BFW women's retreat
87. gospel gangsta rap
88. in-door plumbing
89. five lines on my clearwire modem
90. children's motrin
91. oh, i was kidding about #87
92. freshly cut grass
93. kalista's mole on her back that I have in the same exact place
94. a fresh, new package of computer paper
95. being the first one to drink out of the milk jug
96. waking up by myself with no alarm clock
97. my brother's salvation that is going to come soon
98. the awesome, wonderful, magnificent, trustworthy, beautiful husband God is preparing for my sister
99. organized milk (read pam's blog to understand)
100. penecillin
101. (good) hygiene

It's Official People

So, it's official. I had my first kitchen fire while trying to cook lunch for me and the kids today. People think I am exaggerating when I say I can't cook. It's the God's honest truth! I wanted to make Hamburger Helper for us for lunch. Seems pretty simple, right? Nope. My stove caught on fire while I was "browning" (term used on the box) the ground meat. The kicker of it also is that my stove is electric so there weren't any open flames! I had to call my neighbor over to help me because knew for sure that I couldn't throw water on it being a possible grease fire and my stove being electric. He brought over his fire extinguisher but we thankfully didn't have to use it because it kind just died out on its own. Kalista was asking me from the living room why was it so smoky. I didn't know what to tell her. Then she came into the kitchen where me and my neighbor were discussing how to prevent this in the future. She said, "Was there a fire?" I said, "Not really." Then she said, "Then why is there a fireman here?"

Touche.

Much Contemplation

This is the dream I had last night:


I was living in an apartment with my kids, sister, and her kids. Marcos lived there also, but his room was sort of separate from our space. We were all sleeping when I heard a cell phone ringing. I got up to find the cell phone and then I realized it was Marcos'. For some reason he wasn't answering it, maybe it didn't wake him up. I picked it up and when I looked at the caller id it said "Juxtaposition" but I knew that it was his girlfriend. I answered the phone and said, "Hello" She said, "Hey! I was thinking that we could go Christmas shopping together later." She didn't realize that it was me and not Marcos. I told her, "I don't want to go Christmas shopping with you." Then she said, "Oh...I think I have to go." I was so angry! That she called him, that I talked to her, and that they were doing intimate things. I threw the phone at Marcos where he was sleeping (which was on the floor instead of his bed).

I yelled at him "Your stupid slut just called!"
He said, "You don't have any right calling her that. You don't know her."
"But I do know that we were together when you met her, I know that she knew you had a family, I know she knew about me!"

He got up and started getting dressed to leave. I saw that he had picked out a shirt to wear that I had bought him. I was so furious that he was going to wear something I bought to be around her. I took his shirt and dumped it in the toilet then brought it back to him and said, "There, you can have it now." He got really mad about this. He grabbed me by my wrists and bit my arm. When he let go, I yelled, "You want to bite me? I'll do it for you!!" Then I bit myself hard enough to make myself bleed. He let me go and sat down on the couch. He was looking at the negatives to film. Somehow, I knew that they were pictures of him and her. I grabbed them out of his hands and ripped them apart. He tried to hit me with a telephone cord. I took the cord from him and hit myself repeatedly, just staring at him while I was doing it. I dropped the cord, pushed him to the couch, and sat on top of him. Our noses were almost touching we were so close and I told him, "Nothing hurts as much as what you have done. It pierces my heart. It stabs me in my chest. I could show you."

I got up to walk out and I looked at the torn film and I thought that there were pictures of me and him on there. I told him, "Even if there were pictures of us, they don't matter any more. That is nothing now."




I have been having dreams kind of like this a lot lately. I have prayed that God would take them away. I hate having to wake up those mornings. I just think about Marcos and how much I am hurt by him. About how much I still love him and miss him. It's been 6 months now, I shouldn't still be crying over him, should I? I just want relief from these kinds of dreams. It hurts too much.

Interpretation

This kinda goes with the previous post but I wanted to make it's own little post. When Kalista had got done praying for my ear, Xander had said, "Me too! Me too! I pay you!" Which means "I want to pray for you too." I said "Okay but be careful. My ear really hurts." Well, most of the time when Xander prays no one can understand him because he makes a noise in his throat and moves his mouth but not in a way that makes words. It's kind of hard to explain; you just have to hear him pray one day. The only part we can understand is when he says "Amen!" really loud. He did his usual thing and then we all said Amen and then Kalista says in the most grown up look and voice: That's Okay. God can understand him. He (God) knows what he's saying."

I just had the biggest smile ever because it is so true! No matter what, God understands Xander and knows what he's saying. God knows Xander's heart and his thoughts. To God, Xander speaks with perfect articulation!

Healed in the name of Jesus!

This is so exciting y'all!! On my last post I was telling you of my ear infection and how much it was hurting. I had prayed for it to be healed. I was just telling God that He could take it away right then or even just let my ear burst so it would take the pain away; I would be happy with either one. I just needed some kind of relief. But since so many people didn't want me to take the "Proactive-Needle" approach, I was just praying/begging for it. Well when the kids and I were getting ready for bed, I was complaining about how much my ear hurt. Kalista said, "I can pray for you. I can pray that it stops hurting." I said, "Okay, let's do this!" She put her hand over my ear and said, "Lord, let my Momma's ear stop hurting. Let her ear be healed, let her be healed right now. Please Lord make my Mommy feel better because I love her and she's hurting. Thank you, Amen." I thought it was so cute! It actually did start to feel a little bit better then but I didn't know if it was because of the prayer or the three 500 mg Tylenols I just took. We then laid down and I was just getting into the deep sleep when I heard 2 or 3 really loud pops in my hurt ear. Then I heard a whooshing sound and felt something running out of my ear. My ear had burst! It felt SOOOOOO much better!! There wasn't any more pain, no hotness, and no high pitch noise! There was a whole lot of blood and pus (just as I suspected) but no pain! Hallelujah!Thank you Jesus! All night all that junk was coming out of my ear (don't worry, I had tissue in my ear to soak it up) and I had to wake up every so often to change out the tissue in my ear because it was bleeding through the tissue. In my entire life, I have NEVER had an ear infection last this short of a time. I get them a lot because I don't know how to leave my ears alone and end up bruising my eardrum quite frequently. So, the point of this story was that my baby girl healed me by using the power of God. My baby has so much more faith already than I do now. She makes me believe in Jesus more than anything else in this world.

my ear hurts X*(

Last night I woke up about 4 in the morning with my eardrum feeling like someone was holding it and squeezing as hard as they could. Why would someone want to do that? Anyway, I took Aleve and couldn't get back to sleep for a looong time. All during church today I was convinced that I was singing much too loudly since I could only hear my voice and not much else since my ears are all stuffy. I prayed about it for a little while but then forgot all about it when Bryan began his sermon. Once again, I felt like he was talking directly to me. He talked about how we do sinful things but expecting God's grace to cover us anyway. I am so guilty of that. I keep "abusing" the grace and salvation that Jesus died for. Anyway, I realized when I was standing in line for Communion that I could a hear a constant really high-pitch tone in my right (hurt) ear. That is REALLY annoying. It's been with me all day! Right now I just wish that my eardrum would just explode to relieve some of the pressure going in there. When I tilt my head, I can hear the liquid (most likely pus) swishing around. Yeah, how's that for a visual?? If it gets any worse, I am seriously thinking about just getting a needle and seeing if I can just pop it open. That would have to be than this!

Wii Exercise

So, like I heard from my friend who bought a Nintendo Wii that he would get tired after playing it. For those of you who don't know about Wii, it's a new kind of video game. It has two controls connected by a length of cable, the controls have remote sensors in them that lets the console know the location of your hands and the position that they are in. I probably didn't give it justice with that lame description so just look up Nintendo Wii in Google or something.

Anyway, I'm getting way off point here. He was telling me about how he would get tired after he finished playing and said that it would probably be a good way to exercise to lose weight. I didn't really think much about it at the time. I was like, "No way am I going to be a gaming dork just to lose weight."

Well, when I was looking at stuff on the internet, I came upon this website about a guy who decided to see if he could lose weight by using the Wii. He didn't change anything else in his daily regimen. He ate the same things, exercised (or didnt) the same, and only added 30 minutes of playing the Wii. He did lose weight, inches, gained muscle tone in 6 weeks.

So, I'm thinking I should get one of these things and become a gaming dork too! If it means I can have fun and lose weight I'm gonna do it!

My Internet Sucks

Well, I am sure you can tell what I am thinking according to this entry's title. All weekend long my internet has not worked. It would tease me by letting me onto my homepage (at dial-up pace) and when I tried to go to any other page it would "Cannot Display Page" all over the place. Well, today I tried to get on AGAIN. I was just sitting here waaaaaaaiiiiiittting for my homepage to load when I thought I should use that time to straighten up my desk. When I picked up the modem, the page loaded up instantly. I wanted to check to make sure it wasn't just a coincedence with it just finally loading up completely at the same exact time as me lifting up the modem. I put my theory to the test. I went to another website while holding the modem up in the air and, voila, my internet did what it's supposed to. So, now I am doing the internet with the modem in the air. Reminds me of the good old days with rabbit ears. :)

Words to Love You

I have been stuck inside my house this whole weekend with nothing to do but lay in bed and try to sleep so I can stop feeling so yucky. I just had to get the flu the same weekend we have an icestorm! And (i am guessing because of the weather) my internet isn't working so I couldn't even get on and "surf." (i'm at work right now) Anyway, Saturday night at about 2 in the morning ( i couldn't sleep because I kept coughing painfully) I was listening to some christian music. It wasn't like the music we listen to in church but I still felt like I was praising God. I found myself lifting up my hands, closing my eyes, and looking up wanting Him to hear my words, my voice, my heart. It was so good! So, anyway, I kind of wanted to make a list of my fave christian songs I love to sing to Jesus! Here it goes:

1. Made to Love - Toby Mac
2. The Way - Telecast
3. Love Song - Third Day
4. Better is One Day - Kutless
5. Shine - Salvador
6. Never Let Go - Matt Redman
7. Sanctuary - Jaci Velasquez
8. Right Here - KJ-52
9. Amazing Grace - Tori Amos
10. Heavenly Hills - Apologetix
11. My King - Nobody Famous
12. Enough - Barlow Girl
13. Cannot Hide My Love - Hillsong
14. Lay It Down - Jaci Velasquez
15. When the Rain Comes - Third Day

Those aren't all of them but those are the top ones I feel move my spirit. Right now, superfavorite is Made to Love by Toby Mac. His new CD isn't out yet I just heard it for the first time the other day and it rang so true to my heart.

The Chorus goes, "I was made to love You, I was made to find You, I was made just for You, made to adore You. I was made to love and be loved by You.

You were here before me, you were waiting on me. And you said you'd keep me, never would you leave me!"

So good.

Update on El Trabajo

That's right, I talked spanish! I was going back to my roots for a minute there. Anyway. I just wanted to kind of give an update about my job as of late. I have come in to some VERY good fortune (i should say blessings. soooo I will say blessings), ahem, blessings in relation to my job and other areas.

Have I ever told you how much I love our Lord Almighty! He is an AWESOME GOD!! Well, I found out today that I am getting a raise. yay for me! And not only that, I am getting a monthly allowance for Health Insurance Now!! I can finally go to the doctor for that pesky AIDS.

Totally just kidding! But I can for real go to the doctor for all my "womanly" stuff. Another thing is that I feel totally convicted about all those things I said about my boss. I am really trying to keep in my mind that he is just human, like me. I know I mess up A LOT (if you don't know this, have you even been paying attention to my blogs??) and I know that Jesus wants me to be more forgiving and waaaaay less judgemental. I was telling Boss about my refrigerator and it's latest talent of turning off for no reason and how my freezer stuff melted and all that. Well, right then he gets on the phone and asks a friend to start looking for a new fridge for me. His friend (who is also my friend-mad props to J.D.) found several that day. We went to go look at them, and to be honest, I thought they would be crap. But they weren't! They were marvelous. The whole time I was thinking of a way I could come up with the money to buy this awesome refrigerator when J.D. tells me that Boss is buying it for me!!!!! I picked out a Side-by-Side with a water & ice cube thing on it. I am so blessed y'all!! For real yo!

Oh another thing that I am very grateful for is that my child support is being raised too! Marcos was only paying $150 a month for BOTH of our kids. Now he has to pay $402 a month. I felt bad at first about it, but then I didn't because he chose not to show up to our hearing and plus it takes a lot more than that to raise our children.

So, anyway, I wish everyone could see the bear-hug I am giving God!

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

So, for a while I have been dating/friends with a guy who will remain anonymous until further notice. We will call him "?". Anyway, ? and I have a really strange and complicated relationship from the beginning. In the beginning our relationship started out in the worst possible way. I was cheating on Marcos with ?. I tried several times to break it off but I would inevitably go back to him over something insignificant or trivial that happened in my "real" relationship. I sought out spiritual counseling from another couple from my church but then would lie to them so I could continue my sin with ?.

I hate who I was then. I hurt ? just as much as I hurt my family. He was always there whenever I decided I wanted to "play". To him though, it wasn't just play. He had his heart in the relationship. The truth is, I was being a selfish brat. It cost me dearly. I lost respect for myself, from my daughter, and Marcos. I didn't trust Marcos anymore because of my actions. Yeah, I know...totally backwards.

When I finally started moving forward in my faith, I realized what kind of sin I was committing. I changed everything a few weeks leading up to the BFW. I really felt that God was speaking to me about the relationships in my life. I felt Him so close to my heart. I saw how much I was hurting both ? and Marcos, even though by this time I wasn't doing anything but talking to ?. But I was still having those thoughts and feelings. I was still keeping an avenue open just in case I needed to get "even" with Marcos. After the BFW, I became dedicated like never before to Marcos. I was totally convicted about my actions. I knew that God didn't want me to ration out my body like it was governemnt commodities. He wanted me to see myself as He sees me. As something that should be cherished, adored, and most of all waited for. I do have to say that the whole thing with Marcos did not work out how I imagined. But this isn't my plan afterall, it's God's. He has a proven track record of knowing what is better for me.

Well, anyway. About a month after Marcos moving on without us, I began talking to ? once again. I had no intentions whatsoever of making a serious relationship with him. I just wanted companionship and fill that void I was constantly feeling. He would listen to me while I was crying over Marcos and just hold me. He has always been so constant, NO MATTER WHAT I have done. Believe me, I have done some really cruel things to ? and still he doesn't waiver. So here we are 4 months down the road. I am still trying to work on my sex issues and my spiritual growth. ? knows how much I wanted to be married. He tells me he would marry me if I would let him. I do want to be married but I don't want to be married to the wrong man. My feelings aren't as strong or constant as his. I still love Marcos. I hate it, but it's true. I have prayed over my relationship w/ ? so many times, and I think I have received the answer before but just have ignored it because of my selfishness. I feel it in my heart that ? just isn't the one I am supposed to be married to. The only reason he goes to church right now is because I go and he wants to spend more time with me. I don't want that. In all my prayers about my future husband, I always ask for a man who worships the Lord whole-heartedly and without any reserve. I can't exactly force ? to love God the way I do either.

It's just so confusing. On paper, he looks like the perfect guy for me; but in my heart, it feels wrong. But I don't know if I feel that way because he doesn't treat me like crap or if I am still not over Marcos or if I am still thinking that I want to "play" instead of being committed. I am so sorry this entry is really jumbled up. I am just putting things down as they come to my mind. I am also sorry that this entry isn't as uplifting and funny as my others. There's a lot more to this story (aka drama) but my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts and they way they are twisting around right now. I guess I need CLEAR guidance and peace.

Jobby-job

I have been thinking about my place of employment lately, since I started working there in August. When I was hired there, I thought that God had done everything except pick me up and carry me to that place. I really felt that it was the place for me to grow, show my talents, learn, be fed, to stay, to give everything I could. I still feel that way just with a different perspective. After about two months of working there, I didn't think I could take it anymore. My "boss" (and i use that term very loosely, like parachute pants loose) was very un-there. He offered practically no guidance, leadership, or support. On many different occasions, he would tell one "member" something, then when they would get in trouble for following his directions, he would totally change his story. I even made up a name for the maneuver he does: I call it the Teflon. Whenever any kind of responsibility comes to him, He does the Teflon. What he does is spray himself with verbal teflon so that nothing is ever his responsibility. When people would come into counseling (this actually happened to me personally), he would call his wife without asking them if it's okay he invites a total stranger into the counseling session. I mean, HELLO! I came there to talk to the guy who does the counseling as a profession, not his wife! When I was hired, he promised me certain benefits, office furniture, and a pay that I never saw. On two different occasions, he has brought up VERY personal business of mine in front of other members without asking me. I don't mean like he brought up that I'm on a ice-cube only diet or that I am obsessed with Star Trek. I mean he brought up my sexual past and my criminal history. Yeah.... Oh, and he did all this while only being in the office a max of 10 hours a week. Well, anyway, back to the 2 month mark. I was so freaking stressed out about my work. I was crying everyday when I went home, almost everyday I would say to myself, "Today is the day I am going to stab/shoot/maim him." But, of course, I did none of those things. I prayed relentlessly. I also talked to the only other employee in the office who had already been there for 2 years (longer than boss). He would calm me down, make me see that it's just a job, the boss wont be there for very long (that's the kind of establishment it is), and that everything will be okay. I was still stressing over all the junk. Then one day, I just said to myself, "This isn't going to get any better soon. Either suck it up or do something." I quit speaking all the bad things. I was just perpetuating a cycle with all that. And I just decided that I was letting my JOB ruin my happiness so I was just going to not take it so serious. I gave the anger and resentment over to God and let Him heal my heart in that area. I can say that 3 months later that I am much more at peace with where I am at. There are still things that make me want to go postal, but I try my best to deal with them in the best way I can. I am committed to this job. I love it now. I love the people I work for (there's about 150 of them) and I care about them. I want to do anything I can to make things better, easier, more enjoyable for them. And you know, a lot of them love me back. I get flowers, gifts, and compliments galore from them. They make it so much worth it. Especially a chosen few! I have changed my whole life for this job alone. I moved my family from Abilene to Clyde into a house that said establishment owns because they needed revenue from it. (and it doesn't hurt that its right next to the church, and it is so freaking awesome!!!!). This is where I am at. This is where my children are going to school. God is taking care of my family and blessing us in ways that I never thought possible. Although, I would have to say that it would be great if He blessed me with a refrigerator that doesn't have it's own colony of mold growing on it. It's really kind of gross. I am going to put saran wrap all over it so we won't be contaminated when we open the fridge. But I am very grateful for it. It was only $100 and it came just in time for the house to be inspected and pass. So, anyway, I don't really know the point of this blog, other than to put my thoughts on paper, i mean on screen? I don't know, you get what I mean.

Much love! And peace out!

Holla!

Free at last! Free at last!....and some other stuff

The Pharaoh has finally let my people go! Hallelujah & Praise the LORD! My family is officially lice-free!! Does anyone want to know the secret to getting rid of these horrible things? Okay, it wasn't all the poisionous toxins, it wasn't the continuous washing of everything not nailed down, it wasn't lysoling everything til it's dripping with ethanol, it wasn't saturating our heads in olive oil for 8 hours straight, and it sure wasn't the crying and the stomping around. It was prayer and a whole lotta combing with the expensive metal lice combs for 3 days and then a follow up every 3 or 4 days. Yup. So simple. There was no need to do all that other crap. Do you know how much RID & NIX made off my family alone?? I should buy stock in those darn companies! They should be sending me thank you notes for the employees' christmas bonuses! They should come out with a new line of solution named after my kids! There should be a scholarship to LICE College established in honor of the Chavez family! I should get a VIP card with frequent delicer miles or something. I should....okay, I ran out, but I think you get the gist of what I am trying to say here. Totally ridiculous! That's money I could have spent on other stuff like adding to my collection of broken coffee cups. Okay, okay, I don't really have a broken coffee cup collection, but I totally could. Anyway, I just kinda wanted to get that out there, the good news I mean.

Another thing that is kind of on my mind is (yes, you guessed it) Marcos. Yes, yes I know. He is a total loser. Why it took 7 years for me to figure this out, I have no clue. I am more angry now that I didn't see it earlier than I am about anything else now. Well, that and the way he acts like being a father is a thing that can be turned off or whatever. GGGRRRRRR! (that was me growling, not choking or getting my 'g' and 'r' keys stuck with caps lock on) Yesterday when I woke up I was thinking about how the kids are starting school this week and so they will be seeing even less of their father because his two days off are on Monday and Tuesday every week. So I called him to see if he would like them to stay the night with him since it will be their last chance for a while. Marcos' response: "Well, I plan on getting really f***ed up and I don't want kids there with me getting drunk." What freaking planet is this guy from? What in his little brain makes him think I WANT to know that? I just said, "Yeah, okay, that's too much information and I gotta go." I know the way I was feeling right then wasn't real christian and I am working on that. I just felt like punching him. Anywho, me and the kids had fun anyway. Amanda rented like 9 movies and we watched them all. We had cheese sticks and chicken nuggets to eat. Although, sadly, I have to admit that the kids stayed up later than I did. I am such a wuss now! I was actually glad that they stayed home because whenever they leave, I just feel so empty.

Yet another topic. I do NOT like animals; especially cats or dogs. Their hair ends up on everything, makes my allergies act all crazy, and they're always wanting something like to eat, or go outside or something! Anyway, yesterday there was a cat oustide my house harrassing (i call it harrassing but the kids call it playing or whatever) the kids when they were riding their bikes. The cat seriously would not leave. I finally let it inside (i'm a sucker for the kids) and gave it some balogna and water. Then Amanda and I took the kids on a walk/bike ride (it's walk/bike ride because amanda and i both do not own bikes so we had to walk while the kids sorta rode their bikes while they weren't running into each other, curbs, plants, etc etc) to the Dollar Store. Amanda bought cat food and a water/food dish and I got it a collar with a bell. It totally hates the collar but at least I know where it is at now. So now we have a cat that drives my allergies crazy. Yeah..... Oh!!!!!! I bet you can't guess what the kids named it!! I will give you a hint: It's a woman's name from a VERY famous modern sci-fi movie that loosely represents Jesus' life. Whoever can guess right get's a $5 bill!!!!! Yay! I love excitement!

Can I Get a Witness?

I am so blessed y'all! I spent the night for the first time in my new house last night! Yay for me! My house has an automatic garage door opener, doorbell, built-in microwave, AND is like less than a 10 yards (as in 3 feet each, not like people front yards) away from my work!!!!!! A very wonderful woman named Sue Bell (some of you know her, some of you dont [who "you" are, i have no idea]) let me borrow her truck and very expensive enclosed trailer to move my furniture and belongings yesterday. She is so sweet! One time there was a little festival here in Clyde that my sister and I were going to take the kids to but when we got there, we realized that they charge just to get in and then everything in there cost money. With 2 adults and 4 kids, that really adds up. So Amanda and I were walking away when I saw Sue and she asked why we were leaving and I told her why. She slipped me a $20, gave me a hug, and told me to buy something for the kids. Just thinking about it now, it makes me tear up! She is so wonderful! Well, anyway, Sue let me borrow the truck and trailer yesterday. She trusted me with it to take it home and everything!! Can you believe it?? Obviously she has never witnessed me driving! :) Then my brother acted very out of character for him and came over to help my sister and me move my furniture into the trailer. He even backed it up for me because I had no clue what to do with that thing. So far, we have moved my bed, gigantic-2-ton TV, entertainment center, two couches, and lots of boxes with junk in it. On a side note, we brought all that major stuff right? Well, what we did NOT bring was: toothbrush, toothpaste, toilet paper, soap, makeup, my facial stuff (have to do that every single night), blankets, or towels. So, yeah we made a little quick trip to Allsup's last night for at least some T.P. I guess we just got so excited! Oh, oh! Something else cool about my house is that there is a lamplight in my frontyard. It is beautiful! Also there is a fake well too! How cool is that!!!!!!! I feel so grownup! It's crazy. I feel like I have finally arrived in Adulthood-dom (i know, i know, not a word, but who cares? This is my blog darn it!).

I Forsake You in the Name of Jesus!

Okay, the title might be a little dramatic but I am feeling kind of desperate right now. About two months ago, Kalista came home with lice. Ever since then, I have washed her and Xander with RID four times, NIX two times, sanitized our whole apartment seven times, covered her head in olive oil 3 times, cut my and Kalista's hair, shaved Xander's head, I even stayed at my sister's house for the whole Thanksgiving break after sanitizing my apartment, and still we have lice. I am so at a lost about this. Right now, Kalista's hair is saturated in Olive Oil with a plastic bag over it. Before doing it today, I prayed over it. I don't know if Jesus heals cases of lice, but I am sincerely hoping He does. Does anyone have any "special" tricks to getting rid of lice or can think of anything that I might have not possibly tried? We are fixing to move this week and I do NOT want my children to have lice going to a new school. Even if you don't know of anything to help, please just pray for us. I am tired of stressing about this and crying over it. For some reason, this has just got me feeling really defeated.

Thy Will Be Done. Not Mine, but Yours

I absolutely love my Church's Pastor. Today he gave a really awesome sermon (when doesnt he?) about the hindrances that keep us from worshiping God fully. And on one of my other blogs, a friend of mine had left a comment about me letting God heal my wound. She was 100% correct. She said that sometimes it is really painful for us to let go of the wound so God could clean it out. During today's sermon, I realized that was what I was doing. I was scared to uncover it, to show it all to God, to let Him just dig deep and get all the yucky stuff out. I wanted to keep it covered and try to ignore it while it got infected and festered into a big huge ugly oozing thing of hate, hurt, resentment, and unforgiveness.

This is my declaration RIGHT now: I am giving over this broken heart to You, God. I know this will hurt. I won't get the "justice" I think I am deserving. But I know You will make me whole again. Your love will fill me and give me new life. I give all this up to You Lord. Everytime I have followed You in the past, I grew, was blessed, and filled even more with Your spirit.

Clyde, Here I Come!

I am finally moving to Clyde! Yay! It has been a long battle but then this month, I received a blessing straight from the Lord and he finagled the whole deal and now I am moving to Clyde!! My electricity was turned on Tuesday, the 12th and my water was turned on today! Now, all I have to do is pack all my junk. Yuck! I wish I knew some people who would do it for me...for free! Yeah, I won't be holding my breath for that one. I am so excited. The house (i havent lived in an actual house in almost 4 years) I am moving into is literally feet away from my work. The Church's playground is practically in my backyard. It has a garage AND a garage door opener!!! I feel like such a grownup! And what makes it so much better is that I am doing all this without Marcos. I have always depended on him so much for everything and now I am depending on God, the best husband EVER. God has done so much in my life, I just can't wait for what's next! He has been healing my heart, He has given me this awesome job in a church, He made the way for me to live in Clyde, He has given me an awesome church family, He has given me relationships with great women of faith {or worth:)}. I am blessed, blessed, blessed!

What did you say?

One day when I had picked up the kids from daycare, Anoe was telling me a story about something that happened that day. Well since Anoe tends to have a lot of "talks" I was only half-listening. Then at the end, I heard her say, "Iss me Hoff." I didn't understand her so I said, "What did you say?" She said, " Sissy was being mean at daycare and she piss me off." She just said so matter of factly. I was trying very hard not to laugh so she wouldn't think it was a good thing to say those things. I very calmly tried to explain to her not to say that word but she just kept saying "But, Ninnie (that's what she calls me) she piss me off!" I finally got her to understand that is a bad word and suggested other words she should stay instead. Gotta love her passion.

Yay for Amanda!

My sister finally has a blog! Yay!! I am so happy. You (i have no idea who "you" is because i have no clue if anyone looks at this thing) should really check it out. Just click on the link to the right that says The A Girls. She is supercool and she is The Hulk!

I have a twin: Her name is Erica

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 85% Superman 65% Spider-Man 55% Robin 48% Batman 45% Hulk 45% The Flash 45% Iron Man 45% Wonder Woman 43% Catwoman 40% Supergirl 28%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Fears

Today, our pastor's sermon was really great. He talked about the fears we have in our lives that keep a stronghold over us. He said there are 3 steps to overcoming these fears.

1. Identify the fears
2. Confess the fears
3. Defeat the fears

So that is what I aim to do here. I have been thinking about it a lot since this morning; i thought of a lot of the most obvious stuff at first but then I really feel that God showed me some things that were a little deeper. Anyway, here they are.

• i will always be poor
• i will always be fat
• xander won't be able to fit in
• i wont ever stop hurting over marcos
• i wont be able to control my sexual promiscuity
• i will grow old alone
• the dark
• losing my hair
• my newsletters wont be as good as Erica's
• God isn't as forgiving as we think

cute faces in beautiful places

The best BFW table ever!

Update on the Upperlip Situation

So....

Yeah, come to find out that I was so right and it is NOT cool to have scabs around my mouth. Go figure. Pretty much 80% of my upperlip is still numb and another 25% is scabbed over, only my left side though. Kalista was trying to help me out earlier and was trying to wipe it away. She thought I had ketchup on my face. What a sweet little girl.

Oh, and upon closer investigation (me just staring into my compact mirror for a few hours at my scabby upperlip), I have found three hairs that were not acidized off. Can you believe it! I practically have a cleft lip, but I still have a 3-hair moustache!

Everytime I see someone, I have the almost uncontrollable urge to explain to them that it isn't herpes, that I just spent too much time with Nair on my face, that I am not contagious and would they please stop staring at it! Boy am I glad it's almost the weekend. It'll give me time to recuperate from this Beauty War wound.

Look, Ma! No Hair!

So, lately I have kinda noticed that the hair on my upper lip has been a little too dark and long to ignore anymore. Last night, before going to bed I decided to just Nair it off. Well, I didn't want to just sit there and wait the whole lousy 3 minutes for it to work, so I went to read my kids a book before they went to sleep. They thought it was funny and kept them quiet while I was reading. Xander said he wanted a white moustache too. Maybe later... So, there I am reading to my kids about a mouse who sleeps in a nativity scene house and my upper lip is on fire! But I couldn't stop in the middle of the story so I was trying to read as fast as possible without losing the meaning of the wonderful and heart touching story. As soon as the story ends, I throw the book to Kalista, ask her to put it up and get in bed, then rush to the bathroom to get the acid off my face.

I was able to get it off just fine, along with all the unwanted hair, and a little bit of the wanted skin.

Even as I am typing this right now, my lip is swollen, red, and numb. I am pretty sure I fried some of the nerve endings on there. I am developing a nice little scab on the left side. So, instead of the hair moustache, I have a scab moustache. And I may be wrong, but I don't think the guys think it's real sexy to have scabs near girls lips. I don't know, maybe it's just me or I could be out of touch with the kids these days, but that's just what I think.

Anyway, I thought that people should beware the dangers of Nair and upperlips. Maybe I can get Kathy Hawk to lay hands on my face and declare a healing in the name of Jesus on Sunday. I will keep you updated!

How long does this last?

Has anyone else had a super surreal moment in life? I did today.

Kalista has had a raging bout of lice. Every time I get rid of it, she comes back from school infested all over again. Anyway, that's just the background story to this sordid tale. So, Amanda and I were in the bathtub with Kalista (all of us were dressed! geez, get your hand away from the phone to call CPS people!!). Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted. We were putting olive oil in her hair to suffocate the lice and nits and I was asking Kalista about her school and class and such. I was trying to get her mind off bending uncomfortably over the bathtub while putting this smelly stuff in her hair. So we were conversating nicely about this. And then she says, "Momma! You know daddy's girlfriend? Her daughter's name is Sarah, and she is the new girl in my class at Taylor Elementary (yes, she says Taylor Elementary every time she talks about her school)." She kept talking about it but I zoned out. What is the reasoning behind this? Why of all the freaking schools in Abilene, and kindergarten classes in Taylor Elementary, did she have to be placed in my daughter's? I'm not sure why this hurt me so much. I know that he isn't doing this to me on purpose. It made me feel like he is not only replacing me but replacing our daughter now. I went to another room to be by myself after a few minutes. I started praying immediately to God to help me understand the meaning of this. To help me understand why God is putting these things into play. To help me not be filled with murderous rage. Is it possible to forget someone who you shared a bed with for almost 7 years? who you have two beautiful children with? who knew the way i liked my towels folded? who knew my system to hanging clothes in the closet? i just want to know Lord, when does this end? How long does this last?

Pray for my Son

There has been something strange going on with Xander this week. His teacher sent a note home with him describing some of his behavior. He wouldn't play at the playground, he won't participate in Motor Lab (P.E. for Pre-K), he won't eat his food at lunch, and at naptime, he goes straight to lay down instead of fidgeting and playing around like normal. At home, he is still pretty normal but has been complaining of constant tummy aches, but nothing is really wrong. He doesn't have a fever, his stomach isn't hard or overly firm, he's been using the restroom fine. He hasn't seen his father in about 10 days and he didn't get to go to counseling this week. I think he is depressed. He just isn't acting like my normal Xander. I mean, Xander's normal isn't like other kids' normal but I know my baby's behavior and this is not it. At dinner tonight, he started grabbing his rice off his plate and shoving it into his mouth, fistful after fistful. It was like he got into a frenzy all the sudden. At first I didn't even say anything because I was so shocked, then I finally had to stop him. That kind of thing is so not Xander. Usually, when he eats, he kind of spaces out until he gets full, then he gets up and leaves his food wherever he is. I have no idea if anyone ever reads this, but I just ask for you to pray for comfort for Xander and wisdom for me to know what is bothering my son and what I can do to help him.

Personal Savior

I have heard the phrase, "Accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior" so many times. I never really thought about, just heard and used it as a kind of cliche. Today, I was reading one of my dear dear friend's blogs, and it hit me just how personal God really is. I was thinking about her hardships and difficulties that she has been having with her son. I was also thinking about the difficulties that I have been going through in my life. Our problems are in completely different areas, but we know each other's pain in our hearts. God has put situations in both our lives that are perfectly fitted to our minds, personalities, and our faith. He has brought us through these "deserts" to help us grow in each of these areas. I can't say this for sure for my friend, but the area where I am hurting and going through so much pain and sacrifice is the exact area that has been source of separation from God. God knows me. I mean, He knows me. He knows exactly what it will take to bring me to where I need to be to worship Him fully and selflessly. He knows what hurts me the most. He knows what can bring me to my knees. He knows what brings me complete joy. He knows my thoughts when I first wake, my last thought before I fall to sleep. He hears my prayers. He loves me. That above all else: He LOVES me. I know that He won't go beyond what is absolutely necessary grow my soul. My Father. How wonderful is that? My Father!
Psalms 139

Breaking News: This Just In.........

There has been some things going on in my life in the past week. This post might be jumbled up so please forgive me, my non-readers.

First, about Marcos. His behavior has been very erratic and inconsistent lately. On a Thursday last week, I was over at his apartment with the kids when his girlfriend called. It hurt me but I didn't want him to see just how much it hurt me so I went to his bathroom to cry by myself. I was sitting there on the toilet praying to God about my situation. I was begging Him to take my pain, to just take all my attachment to Marcos away. I wanted to be free of any of those feelings of longing or love for him. I prayed that I would take being alone for the rest of my life if God would just stop my heart from aching. After a while Marcos came in and we were talking. I was open with him. I poured out my heart to him. He said that he did miss me and being at home with me and the kids. He even started crying with me. I didn't think that things were going to be great or anything, but I felt like we had an understanding. When I left, Marcos asked if he I could bring the kids back over the next day when he gets off of work. That was cool with me.
Next day, he didn't call to say he was home from work (he gets off at 3:30). I finally called him at 6:30 and asked him if he still wanted the kids. He gave me a lame excuse about why he didn't call (i'm pretty sure the truth had to do something with his girlfriend's vagina). We ended up getting in an argument about him not being consistent with our kids and putting them in front of his g/f. I didn't think I would hear from him for at least a few days. But no. The next day he showed up at my house and spent some time with the kids. I am all for that, but he ended up staying for almost 4 hours. He even fell asleep on my couch. The whole time I was like, "What the heck?!" I have no idea what to do with that whole situation.

I took my son Xander to a counselor. That was both good and bad. Good because I finally got to know exactly what is going on with him and learning how to handle him a little better. But bad because the things I was afraid of were confirmed. He has childhood depression. That is actually kinda good because that means it will go away. But he also has a very mild case of Autism. That explains a lot of behavior that he has had since he was a baby. It makes things with his father a little harder, I mean him dealing with it and all. The counselor suggested that I develop a strict routine for him, which I started that day when I got home. A routine helps him feel more secure and it is something he needs because of his disorder. Too many things were changing for him to handle. I have to say that I have already seen some improvement. He has been a lot nicer to the other girls and, strangely, his speech has improved also. He is speaking more clearly. He is going to be going to the counselor weekly now until he is fully adjusted to all the changes in his life that are going on right now (starting pre-k, his dad gone, me working so much, us moving into a new house).

Yesterday I went to get my hair done. I have been feeling really down and unattractive lately. Usually when I go get my hair done, I feel better about myself. I feel more attractive and just better in spirits. I was going to go get some new clothes also. I just wanted to feel anew in some area of my life. Well, I was thinking that I would lighten my hair towards a blonde color. Evidently the hair dresser doesn't know how to use bleach properly because she burnt my hair and my scalp. She left it in my hair waaaaaaayyyyy too long. My hair literally melted. I would put my hand to my head and hair would fall away in my hand. Have you ever used Nair? You know how the hair looks like then? That's what my hair looks like on my head. It is absolutely horrible!!!!! She put in some dark color after she saw that it was too damaged to put the toner in and now my hair looks like I had a really bad perm and only dyed my hair in spots. So, needless to say, I don't feel attractive at all like I wanted to. I have to wait until Tuesday since tomorrow is Labor Day to go get my hair cut to an even length instead of looking like I used one of those Flo-Bee vaccuum hair cut things. So, now I am overweight, really pale, short, and have horrendous hair! How in the world am I supposed to get a husband now??? Maybe someone who likes women that can work in the circus. I prayed for healing over my hair. It seriously needs it.

On the upside,..............................................................wait, there is no upside. i would be pulling out my hair in frustration, but there is too precious little left to do that right now.

holla

How Great is Our God

Today after church my car broke down (amazingly i knew just what happened: something under the hood wasn't working like it's supposed to. i know, i know...it is amazing how i know these things) and not even 3 minutes and 45 seconds later, a man pulled into the parking lot with a huge sign on his car that said "Mechanic for Christ" He fixed my car right there in the Allsup's parking lot for F R E E!!!!!!! God is good, people!

Update on an answered prayer: Xander did end up getting Mrs. Turner (Kalista's Pre-K teacher)

I posted a comment on another person's blog (i have no idea who this person is except i think it is a male and lives in abilene, and apparently is as poor as i am) concerning the "deserts" people were going through. Usually I don't really respond to other people's blogs, but this one just called out to me. I left a huge comment about my desert and I didn't really think anyone would actually read it. But people did. They also commented on it. They gave me such encouragement. It was something that God sent to me.

If you ever get a chance to download or listen to The Way by Telecast, I highly recommend it. It makes me want to just serve Him. I love you Lord.

First Day of School

Tomorrow is the first day of school for Kalista and Xander. Kalista is NOT excited about this. For some reason, she got it in her head that she could only go to school if she was 6. I don't know where that came from...seriously. Well, she turns 6 on Sept. 12, which about a month away and she is not feeling the whole starting-school-before-her-birthday thing. To tell the truth, I am not that excited either. This means that I am going to have to get up even earlier and try to fight the crazy morning school rush traffic and then speed off to get on the highway to try to get to work on time in Clyde. Plus, I haven't been able to afford to buy her or Xander any school supplies or school clothes. Yuck...I absolutely hate that. I feel like I am living my stupid childhood all over again through my children. I love having a job, but I don't get to spend harly any time with my babies. Because I got so behind on some of my bills, all my paycheck is going to pay for those instead of school things. Although, on a good note, we got to meet Kalista's teacher today. She is so tiny! When I walked in, I thought she was one of the kids from another grade. If you can actually believe this, but I am taller than her! Whoa! I guess that is reason enough to love her! Tomorrow will be when I get to meet Xander's new teacher. I am praying that he gets Mrs. Turner (Kalista's Pre-K teacher). She already knows Xander and his "problems." I will enjoy Cinnamon Roll Fridays again though. Although, I probably wont be able to eat with them like I used to...(enter look of utter sadness here)

Broken Hearts Suck!

Today my daughter broke my heart for the first time, and probably not the last. I thought that she wouldn't hurt me like this until she was at least in her teens, but oh no, not my baby. She is evidently an overachiever. Today we went to Golden Corral (love that place) after Church. Everything was going just fine, nothing to forewarn me of the hurtfulness that Kalista was about to spill forth. So she says, "Momma, I wish you were skinny like everybody else so you could be normal." I asked her to say it again because I thought for sure my first born would never say anything like that to me. But she did. I could physically feel myself breaking inside. Look, I am not in denial about my size or my appearance. Believe me, I know what I look like. Every single day I have to look at myself in the mirror. Every single day I have to see the looks from other people, and the non-looks from other guys. I know that I'm a "large" woman. I know this. But to hear my daughter say something like that...it's heart breaking. I was hoping that she would see me through some sort of unconditional-love-goggles or something. I really wanted to be beautiful for her; an example of what beauty is, inside and out. What can I tell her?

I have been talking occasionally to this guy for the past year or so, just as friends. A few weeks ago we started talking more and more and then he invited me over to his house and I went, and it was kinda awkward but it was okay. We didn't do anything, not even hold hands. After that we still kept talking just as much, and I was dropping "subtle" hints that I liked him as more than a friend. I thought he felt the same way. But then he said that he didnt want to date anyone, he went through a divorce about 2 years ago and he is still hurt. I am pretty sure that this is a "It's not you, it's me" sort of thing. I'm cool with that, you know? I'm not necessarily hurt by him specifically not wanting to date me. I kinda knew he wouldn't date somebody like me anyway. He's white, and not whitetrash. The thing that just sucks about it is that he's like the 3rd guy to reject me in the last 2 months. Kinda says something about me doesn't it?
A guy I used to date once told me that I would sleep with anyone that showed me any kind of attention. I think he was wrong. I have to be rejected first.

I just want to see if I can do this right.