Vacay pictures

Yes, I know. I have taken waaaaay too long to post these. But it's not like I have anything else going on right now... So here for your viewing pleasure are some random pictures from our vacation to Crystal Beach.


Tony taking a picture of me taking a picture of him. (with my hair in the way)

Me taking a picture of Tony taking a picture of me.

I don't know what this is but it looks gross and cool at the same time. Tony just told me that it was a piece of wood with a bunch of clams on it. I'll take his word for it.

This is the view from the front door of our beach house. Try to ignore the wet, dirty towels and swimsuit.

Our feet joined in love.

I didn't know Tony took this picture of me. But I do like it. I look kinda mysterious...

These are neat statues of horns that are attached to a museum in Galveston. They were given to the city of Galveston from some famous jazz artist after a devastating hurricane that destroyed most of downtown Galveston. Okay, that's about the only educational thing you'll ever read in my blog.


Wet, sandy, salty, sticky hair. Yuck. I was about to spit too. Definitely not a glamor shot.

Xander is so cute!! I just love his smiles. But there has to be a reason why he is smiling so big...

And here it is ladies & gentlemen. Tim doesn't know that Xander's foot is so close to his open mouth. Hee Hee hee! That's why you should never be the first one to fall asleep!

Tony took this picture because he thought the seaweed looked like the shape of a heart. He's a romantic like that.

Tony looks really cool with that pink towel and my sunglasses on.

No Tony's were harmed in the making of these pictures.

I just like this picture because Xander looks like he's stabbing Kalista in the head.

One of the very FEW times Kalista & Xander were getting along on the road trip.

We saw this on the way down to Crystal Beach. It was so funny to see a huge semi-truck with this little Tonka Truck strapped to it's bed.

The Work In Me

God has been doing some MAJOR renovation in my heart, soul, and mind. I mean like some deep-rooted identity stuff. I know it's supposed to be good but dang it's hard when you're in the middle of it all.

Evidently, I have some "control" issues. I know, I know. That must be a shock to some of you. Especially you Amanda. But it's true. Really. Because of how my past relationship ended up, I am trying to control every little tiny bit of this one, which, in turn, is making it a lot harder than it should be.

I am starting to see organization once again in this mess I made. Why is it so hard to just let go and let God handle things? I don't get it. He's proven Himself trustworthy before time and time again, so why is it so hard for my flesh to trust Him to be who He said He is? In some areas, I have complete trust in God. But in other areas, such as relationships, I had a death grip on my control. But now that I have started loosening up, I have already seen changes. Isn't it so weird how that works?

Tony moved out Monday to a friend's house in Abilene. I know that it was the plan a long for him to live with someone else, but it still is a little sad to see him take all his stuff with him. I am just going to continue praising God and thank Him for taking care of every need we have. Even the ones I don't know about.

And the LORD said...

One day while the kids were playing in the little swimming pool in my backyard, Tony and I were sitting nearby just talking about nothing when I started hearing Xander tell Anoe the story of Ton & I's relationship. It went like this:

Xander: My mom used to be with my dad. but now they're not. my dad just leave. Then my mom is with Tony. Then they're gonna get married. Then the Lord says, "You may kiss the bride."

So, there you have it. The Lord says so.

Engagement Photos

We finally got our engagement pictures taken. And, in my personal opinion, they turned flipping awesome. Here are a few of my faves. And, yes, I forgot to take off my dang watch.

A Question Answered

For the last two years now I have played a scene over and over in my head. In it, Marcos is telling me that he misses me, he loves me, he made a big mistake, and wants to try to work things out. And in my head, I, of course, take him back immediately and then we live happily ever after. I have been waiting this whole time to hear him say those words that I thought would make everything in my life fall back into place.

Since getting engaged, I still wonder what I would do if Marcos wanted me back. Some days, I felt that I would give up everything to have my family whole again. Other days, I feel like my family is whole now and I wouldn't destroy it for anything. Then there are days I don't care about having a family at all. But those are usually the days I come home from a stressful day at work to find the house a complete wreck, sopping towels all over the house, and half of Xander's mohawk cut off. But I still play that scene over in my head. It's a little bit different now, but has the same basic concept. For the most part, I just felt that I still loved Marcos and I had made a mistake by letting him go.

To update you on some recent events, Marcos still has the same girlfriend and now she is pregnant. It was kind of weird for me to find that out. And we have been going to court to get the child support figured out because he hasn't paid in a while. Our first court hearing, he didn't show up. Our second hearing was scheduled for last Thursday (June 26) which he did show up. Everything was fine, we didn't argue or anything. In fact, we sat with each other in waiting room and talked normally.

____________________________________________________________
As a side story though, the elevator was broken in the court house. I looked around for another set of elevators but I was already late so I didn't look too hard. I decided that I would just take the stairs. That's normally fine but the hearing was on the FIFTH FLOOR!!!! Oh my goodness!! That's actually 10 flights of stairs! What the heck was I thinking?! I had to stop and catch my breath on the 3rd floor. And then I stopped when I got to the fifth floor so I could calm down before going into the waiting room. I still wasn't breathing normal when I opened the door but I seriously needed to sit down. My legs felt like they were about to give out. And I didn't think I would look too cool layed out in the courthouse stairwell. So I try my best not to look like I just climbed 10 flights of stairs but it just didn't come through as well as I hoped. Mostly because the sweat dripping my face and the way I was breathing like I had emphysema. I managed to make it over to the table to sign in and then literally dropped into the seat next Marcos.

He said, "Did you just walk up all those stairs?"
Me: "Uh, yes. The dang elevator was broken."
Him: "You know, there's another elevator right over there." and he points over to some other elevators. And, as if the universe wants to help him prove his point, the elevator dings and opens up with car full of people.

Whatever.

It didn't help my pride that some of the other people sitting around us were laughing and saying, "She seriously just walked up all those stairs." At least they could keep it to a whisper or something.

Anyway, that's not the point here. On with the story!
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So we go down the elevator together and he walks me out. He says he doesn't have to go back to work and if I wanted to go get something to eat. I was kind of nervous about it but I thought it would be nice. So we met up at IHOP. We ate breakfast and talked about stuff. He told me about his girlfriend's pregnancy and how he isn't happy about it at all. This will be his fourth child from 3 different women. I told him about the wedding. It was kind of surreal in a way to talk about that with him. He walked me back out to my car and we hugged, but I didn't feel like I wanted it to last longer.

As I am driving down the road back to Clyde, I get a text message from Marcos. He said thanks for breakfast and for the hug. I sent him back a message saying that I am praying for him and I really hope that he finds his happiness.

Him: I hope I find that too. I wish I could have been the person you wanted.
Me: You were. Things just got really screwed up somewhere. I just got trapped into thinking that our relationship had to look & be a certain way.
Him: Why can't I let you go?

(Whoa. What?)

Me: What do you mean? I thought you had.
Him: I thought I did too. I think about you a lot and I still miss you. I still love you.
Me: I still love you too. But you have a baby on the way. That's major. I'm getting married.
Him: I never wanted to leave. Do you think there's a chance to try this out?

I just told him that we would talk about it later. But I have been avoiding him since then. I don't know what to say to him. I really think that he was just saying those things because he's upset about his girlfriend being pregnant and since he has never really dealt with problems responsibly, he's trying to run away and go to somewhere that's safe.

But here's the thing, I don't want him back. I didn't feel elated when he said those things. I didn't feel at all like I thought I would for so long. It wasn't a struggle for me to decide between him and Tony. I knew I wouldn't leave Tony for Marcos. That revelation is so amazing to me! This answered so many of my questions.

Wedding Decisions

So, I'm pretty sure that everyone has figured out that I am betrothed from last post (yes, i know from almost a month ago). Anyway, Erica has so graciously agreed to help me plan this shindig. So far we have come up with some really good stuff. Here's what we got so far:

The Cake


The Place

The Bouquet
The Dress

Guess What!!

I had the most amazing Mother's Day ever! Let me tell you why.

This man

Asked me

to marry him!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO FLIPPING AWESOME!!!!

Real French Bread = Broken Tooth

So, everyone knows Joel Trueblood and his awesome food. And how he prides himself on having the most "authentic" food also.

At LifeGroup, Joel had made some kind of tasty pasta, salad, and "real french bread". As I was plating up some delish food, I heard Tim P. say, "This bread is really hard! I'm gonna break a tooth."

Joel pretty much told him to suck it up. It's real french bread. Thats the way it's supposed to be.

Not even 10 minutes later while I am munching on my own real french bread, I feel something weird in my mouth as I am biting down. I feel around, and sure enough I broke my tooth on the real french bread!! Can you believe it!

Someone has got to stop Joel's madness!!! The brutality of real french bread has to stop somewhere and I say it is here with my mouth!! I am currently in the preparatory stages of a civil suit of Chavez vs. Trueblood.

Okay, okay, just kidding. And to Joel's defense, the particular tooth that broke was already messed up from a previous root canal gone bad. I don't think I will post any pictures though. Not everybody is man enough to handle this kind of carnage.

*This post in no way reflects badly on Trish. Only her husband who has it out for me and my teeth.

Rhymes with Shmiarrhea

That's right, diarrhea. Xander has been hit hard with diarrhea. Last night or really this morning, at 4 am he woke up running to the bathroom. Thankfully, he made it but it was still a little messy. I cleaned him up and noticed he had a fever. And because I am a genius, I keep my thermometer at work so I didn't get a measurement on it. I just know he was HOT. So, I slapped some Tylenol down his throat and we went back to sleep. Well, while we were getting dressed for school this morning he "went" no less than 4 times. I made the executive decision to keep him home for the day. Which turned out to be good because he has been in the bathroom at least twice an hour all day. I feel so bad for the little guy. All that poopin' has pooped him out.!! He seems on the mend though. Don't worry, I've been stuffin him full of electrolytes and such.

Anyway, this recent bout of diarrhea reminds me of another time that Xander had diarrhea that was a lot more messy a few weeks ago. It was horrible. It was the stuff blogs are written about. (hee hee)

Xander had already gone home that day after getting off the bus. As I was pulling into the driveway after work, I knew something was up because he came out to meet me before I could get into the house. He put his hands up to me in a stopping motion and said, "Okay, Momma, there really emergency." in his cute little boy voice.

I said, "Oh yeah?"

"I eat too much chips and I really go poop."

"Yeah...?"

So, I walked in the house and the smell hit me like a brick wall of nastiness. There was a trail of diarrhea from the living room all the way to bathroom. And next to the bathroom, there was diarrhea running down the wall. I still can't figure out how it got there since it started at a place that is much higher than his bottom. I don't know. Some things are better left unknown.

I could also see that he had tried cleaning up. There were about 6 still unfolded clean towels over the larger piles of messiness. That really touched me. Not very many six-year-olds will clean up their own watery poop, much less full grown men.

I could tell that he was worried that I was going to be mad because of the mess. How in the world could I get upset over this??? I just told Xander that everything was fine and I would clean it up and put him in the shower.

While I was stripping his clothes off, he told me, "You're the best momma."

I wish I could have had a recorder or something with me right then. I know I am going to need that when he is convinced I am trying to ruin his life when he's a teenager.

NKOTB

Okay, for all you non-hardcore NKOTB fans (as if they actually exist), that means New Kids On The Block. Get it straight and remember it. I will refer to them as NKOTB from here on out.

Anyway. My favorite boy band of ALL TIME is having a reunion tour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine me squealing like a 12-year-old little girl and jumping up & down!!! Oh my GOSH!!! Can you believe it!!!

All we can do is just stand in agreeance in prayer they will come somewhere close to abilene. Heck, it doesnt have to be that close either, it just has to be in Texas, maybe even Oklahoma. I should probably call Kathy Hawk to pray about this.

Okay, I gotta go. I have a lot of work to do. I have to go find all my NKOTB paraphenelia.

Hang Tough guys!

Some Fun Stuff

So, after my last totally serious post, I wanted to bring some light-heartedness back in the hiz-ouse!

These are my AWESOME tattoos. Go ahead, be jealous. I'll wait.

This is Eric. The coolest guy EVER. See? His gang signs proves it.

My baby nephew Mason. He already looks so serious!



Xander shaking his cute little booty. Why? Because he can. That's how he rolls baby!



Kalista and Tyler, Tony's nephew hanging out. (yes, I know they're on a bed AND he's touching my baby. Don't worry, they were very closely supervised.)



This is the Pastor praying with my Mom & Step-mom at their wedding.

The Low Down

Hey Everybody!!

Are you ready for some dirt? Good. You're about to get an eye full. So I am finally ready to talk about what's going with me.

First, the cancer thing. I got the results back from the doctor on Monday, Feb. 25th. Up until the very moment the nurse spoke, I fully believed that God had healed me and everyone was going to be amazed and I would have another testimony, and blah blah blah. Well, as you probably have already guessed, that is not what happened. The nurse told me that my pap smear showed I had cancerous cells growing in my cervix and they progressed since my previous pap a year before. I didn't start crying until I got off the phone. My friend Eric was sitting next to me and he just hugged me for a minute while I was crying uncontrollably. Here's the thing. I wasn't upset about the actual cancer. I was upset because I felt betrayed and abandoned and un-protected by God. I felt like He totally shafted me. Truthfully, I was a little pissed at Him too.

Well, the doctor had already set up an appointment for me to get the culposcopy and the cryosurgery for that Thursday. It was all just happening so fast. It was like this whole thing was set into motion and I was just riding along.

The next day, Tuesday, I woke up with the Flu, exactly one week after Xander was diagnosed. That totally sucked. Although, if I could endorse anything, it would be Tamiflu. That stuff is AWESOME! I stayed home from work for two days, then went in Thursday morning to get a few things done. Staying home that week made me realize how much of myself I put into my work. I was literally dreaming of being in the office and getting things done. I was constantly calling Eric to make sure he was doing things right. I even had a nightmare that he put the wrongs dates on the calendar for the newsletter. Kind of creepy.

My appointment was for that afternoon. I was really nervous and I was still feeling yucky from the flu. My doctor was really great about everything. He was efficient and gentle. I give him two thumbs up. He told me that "it was minor and easy to take care of." He was able find all the bad spots and remove them. It was very localized. I have a follow-up appointment in May to see how my tissue has healed and see if anything new has popped up. I just stayed home and healed up that weekend.

That's good news, right? So, why was I still feeling like everything was so bad? I would mentally slap myself and tell myself to get a grip. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was just falling deeper and deeper into this pit of depression. I hated myself. I hated waking up. I hated breathing. I was so mad about everything. I was scared of everything too. I stopped talking to people. I didn't want to be around anyone. Having normal conversations grated against me. I was holding all this ugliness inside me. I wasn't having suicidal thoughts, but the very idea of living the rest of my life made me feel so tired and filled with despair. I became overwhelmed when thinking of making the smallest decisions. My emotions were just a big pile of mess. I was really, really trying to get everything under control but it just wasn't happening.

The person I was taking all my pain out on was Tony. I talked to him very ugly, telling him things that on purpose to be just mean. When we spent time together, I argued and picked fights with him constantly. Now, Tony is a very un-drama person. He probably has the highest level of Serotonin of anybody I have ever met. Things just don't faze him very much. So it frustrated me to no end when he would tell me "Things will be allright. Don't worry about it." I just felt like punching him. He wasn't saying that to be flippant or nonchalant about my situation, he just truly doesn't let things get to him. Well, I was doing my best to get to him. Tony just isn't used to dealing with the kind of junk I throwing at him. I was pushing him away but I was blaming it all on him and finding fault with everything he said or did. I realize now that I wanted someone else to hurt just as much I was. So, three weeks ago we were barely talking to each other. He said he wasn't going to be able to come visit me the coming up weekend because his band had a gig and he wanted to go to the SxSW festival thing in Austin. I was mad and was pretty much a bitch to him that whole week. I didn't talk to him very much until Sunday night when he had gotten back. That morning at church, for some reason (most likely the reason was God) I started to see my actions and how I was treating Tony. I became so filled with shame and guilt. I prayed that he would forgive me and I prayed that God would help me come out of what I was going through. I cried out to Him to help me keep my emotions under control. I stepped out and asked to be prayed for. I finally mentally slapped my ridiculous self straight. I didn't feel like everything was instantly better, but I felt determined to work at getting better. I made the decision not to give up and not to give in.

When I talked to Tony that night, I was trying to explain to him everything I had finally realized. He was kind of quiet during the whole conversation and didn't really say anything in agreeance. I just really wanted to believe that I could fix what I had broken. Sometimes, things just don't work that way.

The next day, Monday, Tony called me after he got off of work. We were talking about nothing in particular but I noticed that he wasn't talking like usual and he sounded down. So, I just asked him what was wrong. He said, "I really don't think we're going to make it. And I want to move to Austin in a year for my band. And I'm tired of always making you upset. This is just too hard."

Damn. So we talked about that for like an hour. I don't know why I asked, but I did. I asked him if he had cheated on me while he was in Austin. Yeah, he did. Isn't that crazy? Just when I was really feeling like I could overcome this battle, something else comes to knock me down. I was so angry. Angry with myself, with Tony, with God, with the devil, with the whole world. The next several days were really really hard to get through. I felt so dumb for believing in this thing that came to hurt me so deeply. We talked until like 2 am that night and the same for the rest of the week. That weekend was Easter weekend and we had already made plans for his family to come to church and for us to do all this stuff together. We decided to go ahead and do that and talk more about what we wanted to do about our relationship that weekend. That weekend ended up being very healing for the both of us. I just layed it all out there. He did the same.

Here's the thing, what he did was not okay, but what I had been doing was not okay either. The way I was treating him was just as much damaging to our relationship as what he did. Everything had just gotten so far away from where it started and where it was supposed to go. I have decided to forgive him. I don't mean pretend forgive either. That means I can't bring it up when we fight, or to make him feel guilty, or to get what I want. But it doesn't mean that he doesn't have to do things to earn my trust again, or we can't talk about it, or that I have to act like it didn't happen. It also means that I have to do things. I can't just immediately shut down or lashing out when bad things start happening. Pretty much, I have to act like a human being. That's really hard.

Things are still tender right now. And I don't know where things are going or how they're going to end up. I just know that God is good, I'm not giving up, and I have a good life to live.

hey.

things aren't cool for me right now. don't ask me about it unless you're prepared for me to break down in front of you.

oh, and for the girls who come to the thursday lunches, we're going to have to postpone them for a while. well, y'all can of course still meet, i just wont be able to host them or attend.

(insert bad word here)

Kalista took a picture of us waiting for the Doctor.

Yesterday morning Xander woke me up crying. I went to his room and he said his head was hurting. His eyes were bloodshot and his body was really hot. I didn't have a thermometer with me so I didn't know his temperature. I gave him some Tylenol and he said he felt better. I went ahead and let him go to school (i know, i know. not a cool thing to do but I had a really important meeting at work and I was praying that he wasn't really sick). About lunch time the school nurse called me and said that Xander had a temperature of 102.8. I rushed to go pick him up & I dispensed some more Tylenol. He again started feeling better and was totally bored out of his mind here in my office. I made a dr. appointment for him at 6 last night. About 5 o'clock Xander started feeling cruddy again. At the appointment, the dr. tested him & it came back positive for the flu.

Inside my head: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it's true. Just last week I was mentally congratulating myself for my family not getting sick this whole season. Pride truly comes before the fall. Dang you irony!!! Last night was no fun. Xander couldn't keep anything down, especially his medicine.

I'm looking at Kalista like she is a ticking flu bomb just waiting to go off. I have been praying for protection against sickness for Kalista and me.

Here is Kalista not being sick at the Doctor's office.

Please just pray for us. I don't have anyone to help me with them if I get sick. Plus Xander's birthday & party are this Saturday.

Excuse Me?

This is a true conversation that took place in my office at 1:29 p.m. today between myself and a woman who will remain nameless:

Nameless: Hey, Jennifer! I just came by to see how you're doing.
Jennifer: Oh, I'm doing good. How about you?
Nameless: What have the doctors said?
Jennifer: Doctors? About what?
Nameless: Well, I heard about you getting tests on your privates.
Jennifer: I..It's..uh,...That's a nice necklace. Where'd you get it from?
Nameless: Blah,Blah, Blah about necklace.

Okay, why the heck do people think it's okay to say stuff like that to me??? This is exactly the kind of conversation I was trying to avoid!!! Who does that any way? Who asks about another person's "privates"? This kind of stuff only happens to me.

Drum Roll Please

So, I went to the Dr's appointment last Thursday. He didn't give me any news either way. He did seem positive about everything though. And plus no monster came out & jumped at him or anything while he was down there (which, in my book, is always good). He said he would call me when he gets the results from that Pap Smear which should be in about 10 days. What the heck?? This is the 2000's! Isn't there some kind of instant Cancer test? I mean, there are home drug tests! C'mon!! Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna wait til then.

And not to turn this blog into a Lifetime movie or anything, but I really wanted to tell everyone thanks so much for being so supportive through this thing. I don't really like to talk about it in person and I cover up a lot of my worry with "I'm fine" & "It's going good" so I know it's been kinda hard for people to know how I'm really feeling. So, just thanks for the prayers & encouragement & comforting words.

Okay, Dr. Phil hour is over.

the great I AM

I saw this story on the Air1 website. It's so good.

http://www.tribune-democrat.com/statenews/cnhinsall_story_025081635.html

Let the Disappointment Ensue

So, just to let everyone know I withdrew from school. I wasn't able to handle everything that has been going on. The only area in my life that I could cut back on right now is school. I have a dr. appointment this Thursday, Feb. 14th to do a repeat Pap Smear. I plan on returning to school as soon as all this is under control.

This was a really hard decision for me. I hope everyone understands why I did it.

God is going to take care of this. He has to.

My Busy LIfe

Oh my goodness! I have been so ridiculously busy lately! For a while, I felt like I was lacking in all the areas of my life. But now they are all overflowing.

I started college earlier this month. It has been so much harder than I expected. I have still been putting in 40 hours every week at work and taking 7 hours at school. I have class on Mondays & Wednesdays 9a-12p and Tuesdays 6:30p -9:30p. Those Tuesday nights and Wednesday morning are getting rough. I have another biology class online which is totally kicking my butt. I'm not really good at understanding things that I can't get my hands on. It all seems so conceptual and not concrete.

God has been working on my heart lately in a few different areas. I feel like dough that is being kneaded right now, being prepared to become what I was meant to do. I find myself just staring off and being in awe of what God is putting in works.

I went to the doctor last week. He gave me the results of my last pap smear. They weren't good. I guess I might have cervical cancer. I haven't really told anyone about what's been going on. I am still contemplating what this means and what it means for my future. Because of the cost of the procedures I need done (culposcopy and biopsy), I am waiting on one of the agencies in Abilene to see if they can help with that. Then I'll see what the next thing after that is. When I found out about all this, it really broke my spirit/heart/faith. God has healed me of this very thing before. I felt betrayed for some reason. I remember hearing Bryan talk about people who were healed but then get the same illness 6 months later because they had not changed their hearts or life or whatever. I began to doubt myself and to doubt God. I began to doubt anything I thought I had received before or had thought I heard from God. I doubted my being healed of depression. I started having panic attacks and having feelings of despair like I used to. I doubted my dream of becoming a pharmacist. I thought that maybe I had just made everything up. I was just disheartened. Hearing the doctor tell me about my report, I didn't get scared or upset about the cancer itself. I was more upset about what me having cancer meant. What it meant for me, for my faith, for my kids, for my hopes. I felt very chaotic and unstable.

I feel better about things now though. I talked to Trish (shout out to my homie) about everything and she really gave me some good insight (as usual). She really helped me realize that this doesn't have to be my truth, these are just circumstances I am in right now. God healed me before and He can do it again. That's what I am praying for.

The other night when I was feeling really unsure about everything, I looked in the Bible for comfort. I wanted to look up "renew" but I didn't think that would be in there so I looked up "beginning" instead. I found a couple of scriptures but they didn't really ease the hurt I was feeling. I was sitting there having an inner monologue and staring blankly at the pages of my open Bible. Then the word "renew" came into focus. This is what it said (y'all probably already know it):

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits-

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--Psalm 103:1-5

I haven't felt desperate or had any panic attacks since I read that. I've been reading it and claiming it everyday. It's coming.

i let go

A Little Note: I actually posted this a couple of weeks ago. I took it off because sometimes I feel like people only want to see the funny, quirky side of me. But I don't always have a funny story to tell. So, if you don't really want to read a serious post from me, just skip this over. Thanks.

My happiness is causing someone else pain. I try not to think about it. I was in a relationship for 3 years (off & on) that ended in the beginning of November. I loved him. He loved me. It didn't work though. It never worked. I wanted so damn much that he couldn't give me & I had nothing to give him. Our relationship had this thing weighing on it from the beginning. It started out in sin. But even when I was out of that, things didn't get better. It was so hard to be together. We screamed, yelled, called bad names, threw things, cried out, begged. Even now, in this new beginning, I can feel an aching in my heart for something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself thinking of him, wanting to call & saying the one thing to hear him laugh, stopping my mouth from forming the word of his name, struggling with the thoughts in my mind. I feel certain I had to end it. He was part of who I used to be and didn't want to be anymore. He knew everything about me. He knew my past. He was there when I was dirty. He held me while I cried for another. He waited for me.

I let go. I hurt him. I'm sorry.

My So-Called Life

So, hey, everybody. What's up!

Sorry about taking another leave of absence but this life of mine has been keeping me busy. The holidays were great. I spent most of them with my boyfriend (insert girly giggle here). New Year's Day, the kids & I went to San Angelo. We spent the day playing in the park and making good memories. I was so flippin tired by the time I had to drive the 95 miles home. Thank goodness God loves me and made sure I stayed awake.

So, anyway, let's talk about what is on my heart. I mean, hey, you came to my blog for a reason right? I am in a full-blown relationship. It's really weird to me. Well, first let me tell you how it all began.

I first met Tony (that's his name, not just some random person) when we were in High School in Sweetwater. He was in a grade below me and I didn't pay much attention to him. We talked once. I didn't know it at the time, but we graduated together because Tony is super smart and graduated early. I didn't know all this until he told me, so it could all be a lie for all I know. Just kidding. He doesn't lie. I like that. Anyway! I digress... I tend to do that when I am talking about Tony. Don’t tell him I said that!

A year or so after graduation (1999) we worked at the same Texaco in Sweetwater. I was a little bit engaged at the time; but then got un-engaged after a few things came to light. Unfortunately, I was in total Rebound mode and picked Tony as the first guy to date. We dated for a couple of months but I seemed unable to stop sleeping around. After one particularly messy & law breaking incident, we finally decided to call it quits.

I met Marcos a few weeks later and promptly got myself knocked up with Kalista. When Kalista was about 6 months old, I left Marcos and moved to Abilene. Somehow, (I don’t remember) Tony & I started dating again. But, once again, I was in Rebound mode and couldn’t stop dating other people (at least I had stopped sleeping with them). About 6 weeks later, Marcos & I got back together and promptly got myself knocked up with Xander (noticing a pattern here?). Tony was always so sweet to me and I really just treated him like crap. I was so totally different back then. There were things I did that I have prayed for God to erase from my memory.

We kind of talked a little bit a few years later but never really started dating again. The last time I talked to him was four years ago in 2004.

So in November Tony sent me a message on myspace. I had forgotten all about having a page on there. He just asked me how I was doing and what kinds of things were going on in my life. We talked a little online for the next couple of weeks, but I didn’t really think anything about it. I was still trying to distance myself from another relationship that no one really knows about. Sorry, I haven’t been totally honest with y’all. Anyway, let’s move on and never keep any secrets again. Whoo! I feel so much better now that I got that out in the open.

Because we are both from Sweetwater and both our parents still live there, we were both in Sweetwater for Thanksgiving. I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. So we did at my mom’s house. Then we went driving around looking at Christmas lights for about an hour and I dropped him off at his friend’s house. We talked on the phone for that week and then we both “happened” to be in S’water again that weekend. We cruised around town and then I dropped him off at his friend’s house again. We continued talking on the phone. We stayed up talking on the phone until 1 or 2 in the morning. It was like I was in high school again. Our conversations usually ended by one of our cell phone batteries dying. I found out a lot of stuff I didn’t know and stuff I had forgotten about. Evidently, Tony remembered every single conversation we ever had. He remembered my favorite flower, my favorite color, my middle name, Kalista’s birthday & middle name, foods I didn’t like, my bad driving skills….

He just makes me feel so… so… I don’t know so something. He makes me feel unashamed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! The best part of this whole thing! We have NOT had sex!!! Most people would not understand how big of a thing this is for me. Sex to me has been like a weird addiction in the past. I hated it but couldn’t stop. This is literally the longest I have ever waited, even since my first time. I know that’s crazy to some people, but it’s this sick cycle I have. But this is how I know this is real with Tony.

My kids are totally in love with him too. Kalista loves to sit next to him and hold on to him. Xander loves to climb all over him and fights with Kalista to sit next to him. He doesn’t act weird with them or make me feel like it’s anything but natural to have them around. He comes up with stuff for us all to do together (he doesn’t have any kids and lives with two other guys with no kids).

I went back over my prayer list for what I wanted in a husband. All those things are there. Every single one. Even the color of his eyes. God is SO good.
This is my kids & Tony chillin at Little Pit. Hopefully, I can get a picture of us together one day.

I Think It's Real

I found someone. Someone who makes me feel beautiful. Someone who makes me forget my insecurities. Someone whose voice calms me. Someone whose touch cools my fevered thoughts.

New Things

There have been a few new things in my life this week. I don't want to say them all because certain people read this certain blog, but I will talk about two of them.

#1 Xander got his glasses finally! He looks so adorable! I really had no idea that his vision was so bad until he started telling me what he could see when he put them on. Every morning he would look for his shoes in the shoe closet. He would almost always tell me he couldn't find them. Then I would go stand right by him and they were right in front of him and I would get upset with him for "not looking right." I feel so bad now! He really couldn't see them! When he put them on for the first time, he looked around and said: Momma! I can see! Hey, you have star earrings Momma. Glasses are so awesome. For the past couple of days, Kalista has been trying to convince me that she needs glasses too. It's funny the stories she comes up with to convince me.

Here's one of them:
Kalista: Mom, something is wrong with me
Me: Really? Like what?
Kalista: Sometimes, I can see stuff but then all the sudden it goes away. I think I need glasses.
Me: (a pointed stare)
Kalista: What? I'm just saying there's something wrong with me.

Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

#2 I got my nose pierced!!! Yay for me! I went to the same establishment and guy as Brandi. Read here for her tale. I've had my tongue pierced 4 times and my eyebrow once. My nose hurt more than both of those. But I would have to say a lot less than my tattoos. It was super easy, super fast, and super cool. The only time the guy actually talked to me though was when he told me the aftercare instructions like he was the legal guy on the commercials (you know, at the end when they have to talk really fast to state all the legal stuff) and to ask for the money. I did give him a tip to try to improve his mood. He did give me a smile after that. I was nervous about going to work and if they would say anything. So far, not one person at my job has even noticed. So, if you see me, feel free to notice. But don't say anything rude. I'm not into that.

Because I Like Pictures

Because I like pictures, I am going to put some more up. Sorry if you're allergic to pictures with incredibly cool people in them.

Herer's Anoe and Xander actually getting along and being sweet to each other. They look gangsta.

Hopefully they will stay this sweet throughout their teenage years.

Kalista wrote this on her hand and then took a picture of it. I found it when I was uploading pictures from my camera to my computer. It summarizes the whole being of Kalista.

I can't help it! I love any picture with Xander rockin' the Mohawk. It looks so good on him!

Kalista & Xander with their dad. (for those of you wondering what he looks like)

And I absolutely love any picture with Kalista with no teef (yes, teef)

Xander closes it out by rockin out in the Ladies' Truckstop Restroom. Only he could pull it off.

The Answer

So, many of you might wonder why I am the way I am. Here is the reason:

For Thanksgiving, my Mom decided to dress up. Now, usually people do this on Halloween. But not my Mother. She, obviously, likes to march to the beat of a totally different drummer. (Probably a drummer that is having acid flashbacks from the 70's)

P.S. Yes, that is a wig. Although, I have to say the wig looks better than some of her hairstyles. My Mother is a firm believer in "Bigger is Better". It can get a little scary sometimes...

Waiting

I feel strange. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. I keep trying to rush through each thing I do to try to get to whatever I am waiting for. I keep checking the time on the clock, but I don't have a time I need it to be. My stomach is all in tingles and I feel excited, but then I get confused because I don't have anything to be this excited about. It kinda feels like I have a song in me but I don't know the tune or the words.

On another topic, my family has been shown a bunch of favor last week. For the month of November, both Kalista AND Xander were chosen to be Student of the Month for their classes!!! Yay for my babies! I feel like such a good Mom for once. So awesome. And then, I won the Mystery Person thing in the Clyde Newspaper. My picture will be in the paper tomorrow (Wednesday) so everyone go out and buy a Clyde Journal, cut out my picture, and hang it on your refridgerators. I will be making surprise/random visits of homes to make sure this is done.
This is the photo that will be in the paper. It's actually a good one so don't miss it!

My Version of "Growing Up"

I've been hearing some of my friends talking about their kids growing up and the signs of it happening, which in turn made me think of my children.

Kalista has always been a little "mature" for her age. I don't mean like, sexually, but more bossy and motherly. I am constantly having to remind her that I am the mother, not her. Or not to try to be Xander's mom. I loved it when she was 5 and she would bend over with her hands on her knees so she could get down on Xander's "level" and talk sweet to him.

But, now I have been noticing more changes in Kalista that are subtle reminders that she is growing up. Like, now she uses regular shampoo and conditioner, instead of the tear-free stuff. She brushes her own hair and puts it up in a ponytail. She accessorizes. There isn't a day that she goes to school without a bracelet, necklace, or earrings. She buckles her seatbelt without being asked. Actually she's the one who reminds Xander to buckle up. When Anoe hurt her ear the other day, she held Anoe's hand and rubbed her back. She will tell me if I have little bit too much cleavage going on. She's got my back like that.

I usually think of myself as a mother of small children. But, now, that's not so true anymore. My daughter is 7! My son will be 6 in two months!

At least I can depend on Xander not growing up too soon. Whenever I say he's a big boy, he gets mad and insists he is still a baby. Or a puppy. Depends on his mood.

Found, Found, Found!!!!!

I found my keys!! When it happened, music started playing in hte background and I started running in slow motion towards them. Then I picked them up and twirled slowly in circles and gave them kisses all over. Then I remembered that I found them in the deep crevices of my couch and ran to the bathroom to sterilize my lips.

I don't know if anyone really prayed for me, but I am VERY appreciatve of anyone who did.

Oh, and thank you God.

Needs to be Found

I lost my set of the Church keys. I have keys for every door in the church and the sole key for post office box. I don't even know where or when I lost them. I locked up the doors on Friday and on Sunday I couldn't find them. I've been retracing my steps like crazy. I really need to find them. Please say a quick, small prayer that God will reveal their location to me. Please.

Yes, I Know

Yes, I know that the pictures below are really small. They're from a camera phone so don't expect too much. If anyone would like to buy me batteries for my REAL camera, feel free. Double-A, rechargeable. Until then, no complaints.

A Nice Day Out

I hardly ever put up any pictures so I wanted to share some with y'all. I took the kids out walking around downtown Sunday and we had loads of fun. Oh, I am in love with Jim Halpert and I don't care who knows!





Alexis, Kalista, Xander, and me acting silly. Or we could be on our way to a rock concert. You never know.



These are the spider monkeys attacking a lamppost in downtown Abilene. They're dangerous!



And here we have a picture of me taking a picture of something else. It was probably the spidermonkeys.






This is me Hardcore and me Sweet.




This is me pretending that Porsche is actually my sweet new ride. (can anyone say OLD SCHOOL)





And, last, a shot from the best show EVER!! (the Office)

Perspective

So, in this life, I have learned it's all about perspective. Things are as bad as you make them. At least that's how I feel. Oh, and Denial is a force to be reckoned with.

Anyway, I got a letter in the mail from the school nurse for "The Parents of Xander Aguilar" I was thinking, "Oh no." The letter said that Xander had failed his vision exam twice so he it was recommended that he be taken to an Optometrist. For some reason, it made me excited. I think kids wearing glasses are the cutest things ever! I wasn't bothered by the money I would probably have to spend on the glasses. I knew that it would be taken care of (God is good like that). So, I'm really excited about it. And since I was excited about it, it got Kalista excited, then Xander got excited also! Kalista is now jealous that she can't have any glasses.

I called to make an appointment for him this morning and they said they had an opening at 3pm. I was like, "Oh, it's on!" I picked him up early from school and rushed over to Abilene. At the office though, I found out that I brought the wrong Medicaid card. But, the receptionist lady was really sweet and said I could fax it in to them later. I said a prayer of thanks to Jesus! Xander had so much fun getting his eyes looked at, shined on, blowed on, and looking at weird shapes. When it came time to picking out the frames, he was not indecisive at all. I guess that's the man in him. He picked the first ones he tried on. Actually, when we first got there he picked out some baby blue plastic frames that were totally tacky. I shot that down real quick. I was not gonna have him pull a Paige Hafner on me. So he ended up picking out some thin-wire framed glasses that are bendy and can be twisted all ways without breaking. They will be ready in 6-10 days. I am so excited!!