A Tree of Life

Dreams

2009-11-22T20:41:00.002-06:00

I've been having dreams of being pregnant for the last couple of weeks. In my dreams I am so happy and full of joy. When I wake up, I feel so sad. Sometimes I'll cry for a few minutes before I get up and shake it off. I don't like to hold babies because it hurts me. I feel stupid saying that I want a baby. I already have two beautiful children and I shouldn't be greedy. There are people with no children at all. I want God to restore my womb. I want to have more children because I'm a good mother. I want to have more children because I love the feeling of being pregnant, of growing something in me that is perfect, innocent, and beautiful. I want to have more children so they can grow up and have children. I want Tony to know what it's like to go through the whole process. He's an amazing father. He deserves the experience of holding his baby in his arms.

I'm just sad today at this moment. Not all the time. I see the goodness in my life. I just don't get to talk about this very much.

Contemplation

2009-07-16T10:07:00.002-05:00

Just in case anyone doesn't know, marriage is hard. Not like "Oh, this cinderblock is heavy." But more like, "Omg. This boulder is crushing me under its weight" I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.

My last day at this job is August 7th. I still don't have a new job yet. I had been planning on taking a job in San Angelo with really great pay & benefits, but now there are complications that are preventing me from doing that. I've been applying around Abilene for some jobs so hopefully I'll be getting some calls from them soon. What I want most is to go where God wants me to go. I'm tired of fighting Him and trying to work things out on my own. I've been doing that for most of my life and I'm tired of those results.

I may be overreacting to something but I wanted to see what y'all think. Since we have mostly girls in our family, Xander ends up always having to watch Barbie movies, or princess movies, shows or whatever. Sometimes, when Kalista wants to play dress up and so does Xander, but I don't have any male dress up clothes so he dresses up in my dresses or Kalista's dresses and walks around in my heels with Kalista. Sometimes when I'm putting on my makeup, I'll brush some powder or blush on Kalista, Xander will want some makeup too. Xander also does like to watch boy cartoons like Secret Saturdays, and he likes to play with boy oriented toys. I'm just wondering if I should be worried since he shows so much interest in girl things. Either way, I'll love him no matter what. I think he's precious no matter what.

And It Continues...

2009-05-28T14:40:00.005-05:00

If you've been reading my blog for a while, then you'll remember the ongoing war I have with LifeTouch and my son's school pictures. If not, click here and learn the history behind this battle. I was really hoping that the Spring pictures would turn out better. Xander and I even practiced smiling the morning of the picture day. No such luck. Here is the latest picture that leaves me speechless.

I'm giving up. You win LifeTouch.

Top 10

2009-05-11T13:34:00.002-05:00

This is my list of Top 10 Things I Love About Tony (my husband). Today is his birthday. We are the same age for the next 3 weeks.

His beautiful blue/green eyes
His ability to laugh at himself
The father he is to my children
His determination to not give up
His cooking skillz
His love for God
He doesn't wear pink
He married me and all my craziness
He likes my crazy hair, makeup, and clothes
He let God use him to heal my brokenness

I love you Tony. I love you for who you are and who you have been.

8 Things

2009-05-07T16:08:00.003-05:00

I can't help it. I'm a sheep.

8 Things I am Looking Forward To:

1. 5 o'clock
2. Friday
3. 5 o'clock Friday
4. Tony's birthday (I got him the most awesome birthday gift)
5. RedLetter Rockfest in Snyder
6. My birthday
7. Tony's graduation (in 2 years)
8. New opportunities

8 Things I wish I Could Do:

1. Be more organized
2. Lead people
3. Buy a house
4. Teach my children how to be confident
5. Give large amounts of money away freely
6. Be fanatic about being healthy
7. Create two more babies in my womb
8. Run a mile without having a stroke

8 shows I'm currently watching:

1. Lost
2. The Office
3. Ugly Betty
4. The Unusuals
5. Grey's Anatomy
6. Pitchmen
7. My Name is Earl
8. Samantha Who?

I will tag No one. I believe forwards and such are from the devil.

Sermon in a Song

2009-04-16T09:11:00.003-05:00

Destruction

2009-03-18T15:04:00.010-06:00

I'm sure many of you who live in Clyde have driven by the Methodist church and seen what we are up to lately. Here are some pictures of the destruction of the Fellowship Hall and two trees that were in the playground area. I never knew the noises a tree could make before witnessing the tearing down of these 75-year-old trees.

Right now, they are leveling out the ground to make it straight. I'm confused on how they can make the ground is level, but I'm sure there is a way otherwise why would they spend so much time pushing dirt around?

Anyway, I've been identifying with a lot of this construction stuff. The old Fellowship Hall wasn't built on a solid foundation so the structure developed cracks and started shifting. The building was also restricting a lot of the new things we wanted to do. There just wasn't enough room and it wasn't practical for our new ministries. It also just didn't look pretty. There were no windows, only two doors on one side of the building, and had paneling (I shudder every time I think about it.) I'm learning that my heart was not built on a solid foundation so now it's unstable and has lots of cracks (but thank goodness, no paneling). I am entering a season of rebuilding and renewing. Exciting, tough, scary, exhausting, lovely, and more. I am rediscovering my relationship with my true unconditional Father. I am discovering a new love for my husband. My love as a mother for my children has been renewed.

Xander

2009-02-23T16:30:00.006-06:00

Xander is my beautiful son. Today is his 7th birthday. He gives me so much insight into things I never would have seen before. He cracks me up constantly.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Xander I was really, really upset. I planned on giving him up for adoption. But now, I cannot possibly imagine my life without him.

Here's my list of Top 10 Xander moments.

10. Xander peeing outside of the Clyde Public Library

9. Xander running from zombies at Golden Corral

8. Xander's schmiarrhea

7. Xander peeing outside of my front door the day we moved in

6. Xander peeing in front of the Methodist church

5. Xander telling Anoe the Lord said to get married

4. Xander picking out all his old shoes to give to his baby nephew

3. Xander showing me how he can make "neck burps"

2. The first time Xander kicked a pole for no reason to show his dominance and manhood

1. Feeling Xander move inside me for the first time and realizing that I made the right choice in keeping him

Happy Birthday Xanadoo!!!

side note: When I told Xander Happy Birthday this morning when I woke him up, his reply was, "Mom, I really know it's my birthday already." in a mildly irritated voice.

Sleeping Beauty

2009-02-06T16:32:00.003-06:00

Today after I picked up my children from school, Xander wanted to play in the back of my car. I always keep a blanket back there so he set up a little makeshift bed for himself. After playing for about an hour, he came into my office to get a drink of water.

After he was done, he announced, "Okay, I have to go get my booty rest now."

That little boy cracks me up!!

Any Recommendations?

2009-02-04T11:06:00.002-06:00

Since I admitted in front of everyone that my kids are lacking in knowledge in the Bible area, I wanted to ask for advice from other people whose children are not.

What are you doing?

What works to keep them interested and learning at the same time?

What material would you recommend so I can teach them biblical things on their level?

Are there any websites?

What kind of activities help them want to learn about the Bible?

Thanks!

Hairspray Part Two

2009-02-03T14:01:00.003-06:00

Since I had a couple of comments from people saying they wanted to go too, I thought I would post a link to find tickets to the show.

Hairspray Tickets Link

It would be so awesome if we could have a whole group of people go. My tickets are for Section MN FLR, Row Q, Seat 8 & 7. Let me know if anyone else is able to go. Maybe we could even dress up as our favorite character. (I wanna be Big, Blonde, & Beautiful)

Bible 101

2009-02-03T10:36:00.006-06:00

I have been trying to find ways to teach my children Bible "stuff" lately so when we were eating fish the other night for dinner, I asked both of them "What story in the Bible had a big fish in it?"

Blank stares.

"Okay, do you remember the name of the guy who was eaten by the huge fish? There's a Veggie Tales movie about him."

Kalista pipes right up and says, "Long John Silver!"

I just lowered my head into my hands and prayed for forgiveness. Evidently, I need to step up my efforts in teaching my children the most basics of the Bible.

Hairspray

2009-02-03T10:10:00.003-06:00

I am so excited! Almost as excited as I was when NKOTB announced their return and their plans to tour!! I just bought my sister and I tickets to see the critically acclaimed, famously awarded Broadway Musical "Hairspray"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I am so ridiculously giddy! So, on February 26th, my sister and I will be among the select few who get to witness this amazing musical live!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

How Many of Me?

2009-01-29T14:43:00.004-06:00

I found this website through Air1.com. It's really neat. You enter your name and it shows how many people in the U.S. have the same name as you.

Jennifer: 1,424,583 people

Hernandez: 586,953 people

Jennifer Hernandez: 2,735 people

Jennifer is the 21st most popular first name in America!! Crazy. It also said that 99.9% of the people with the name Jennifer are female. What a coincidence! I'm a female!

www.howmanyofme.com

Smart Car

2009-01-27T10:44:00.006-06:00

I've been searching for a car to buy lately. I'm looking for something nice, affordable, and that speaks to my soul.

Until I get there, I want to show you my dream car. This is the car I would buy if money were not an option. Or if I didn't have any children.

You see that sweet ragtop this one has? Yeah, that's not standard.

The Devil is My Pet

2009-01-27T10:09:00.004-06:00

Last night while I was washing dishes I could hear Xander yelling at Roscoe, our puppy. Since Roscoe is still a puppy he doesn't mind very well. I wasn't sure what Roscoe was doing to make Xander mad but I wasn't too worried about it because Xander is always getting upset with Roscoe. Roscoe is very much a puppy and loves to chew, chase, romp around, and pretty much terrorize any sock that happens to find itself not put away.

Tony's mom, Lisa, took my children to the World of Wheels exhibition on Sunday after church. I've never been to one so I'm not sure what all is there except for some cool looking cars. While there, Lisa bought Xander an inflatable Spiderman Hammer thing. Why Spiderman would endorse a blow-up hammer is beyond me.

Anyway, Roscoe was attacking Xander's Spiderman Hammer. Xander was trying to get it out of Roscoe's ferociously clawed mouth when it popped. This made Xander go off the deep end. That's when I heard Xander scream at the puppy "YOU'RE THE DEVIL ROSCOE!!!!"

Poor Xander. I had to stop washing dishes because I was laughing so hard. Xander came in with his quickly deflating Spiderman hammer very upset. Tony told him he could fix and put tape over the puncture "wounds" Xander is still a little mad at Roscoe. Hopefully, they'll be able to patch up this little bump in their friendship.

Here's the guilty perpetrator of the heinous crime. (I'm not even sure he can see anything.)

Late Resolutions

2009-01-20T16:24:00.004-06:00

Have I ever mentioned that I am a huge procrastinator? Well, I am. That's why I only blog every other blue moon. Anyway. I've been thinking about what resolutions I want to do this year. I'm tired of doing the same old ones like "I want to lose weight" or "I want to be more wise with my money" or "I want to stop buying velcro on the black market"...Just kidding about that last one. Here are some REAL resolutions that I can actually attain. I came up with 9 since it's 2009.

1. I resolute to wear my seat belt every single time I drive anywhere.

2. I resolute to eat out one time less each week.

3. I resolute to teach Xander how to tie his shoes.

4. I resolute to get a plant and not kill it within a month.

5. I resolute to be more active with my children's school work.

6. I resolute to throw away left overs sooner.

7. I resolute to try more "stuff" with my husband.

8. I resolute to buy picture frames for my pictures that are sitting in a box.

9. I resolute to not throat punch anyone this year.

I'm not promising I can keep all of them but I think #9 will probably be my easiest one to keep.

2009-01-20T08:18:00.003-06:00

At my job I am responsible for keeping track of attendance and membership. Since the church I work at has an average age of 45-65, we have more funerals than most churches (at least I think). Last year, it seemed we had at least one funeral every month. It was getting kind of weird.

Today I had to take someone off our membership rolls because of death. Usually it doesn't bother me too much because the person isn't someone I know too well. Today I did know the person well. Today we had her funeral at the church. She was such a sweet woman. She was 60 and played the drums for the worship band for the Methodist church. She was just as into Twilight as I am. In fact, she let me borrow the last two books because I couldn't wait for mine to be delivered. She always told the funniest stories that you wouldn't think a 60-year-old woman would tell. She was musically gifted. It seemed like she could play anything sh picked up. I got to see her play the drums, guitar, all kinds of handbells. I learned at her funeral that she once took a belly dancing class.

I miss Susan Black.

Random Picture Time!!!

2008-12-24T10:59:00.004-06:00

Okay, I call the next few pictures my "Bored at Work and Have Nothing Better To Do Than Take Pictures of Myself" series. And this is obviously before I dyed my hair dark.

For the last couple of years, the kids and I have not had a Christmas tree. Last year, Kalista drew a picture of a Christmas tree and we taped it to the wall and put our presents underneath it. In fact, it's still there on my wall. I guess I should take it down. Well, I was telling Tony about this and since this is his first Christmas with us, he wanted to get us a real Christmas tree. So that's what he did. And I guess his manly providing instinct kicked in when he went to buy the tree because he bought the biggest dangest tree there. It's crazy huge. I literally have grass stains on my ceiling because it drags against it. Here is a picture of the tree. If you've ever wondered what a Christmas tree on steroids looks like, here it is.

This is the tree after Tony and my children decorated it all. It sure is pretty.

And messy. I call these tree droppings.

This is my brother, Armando, and his son, Mason. You may remember Mason from the picture with Jaxon. The reason they're almost completely naked is they were swimming at my mom's house. But if you look carefully, my brother does have on shorts. Keeping it PG here.
I just think this is a beautiful picture. I love sleeping babies. A couple of months ago, I entered this photo into one of those pretty baby contests. I didn't tell my brother or his wife because I didn't think he would really win. I mean, there were like over 5,000 photos submitted. Anyway, it ended up Mason did win. Not first place, but like in the top 25. Well, the company wanted to print Mason's picture in a book they were publishing but they needed permission to do it. So then I had to tell my brother and sister-in-law that I had submitted their baby's photo into a contest without asking. They took it pretty okay I think. I'm sure they'll let me in the same room as their son Christmas 2009.

This is the puppy that my children's father gave them for Christmas. Isn't he so sweet to give them something that can't control its own bowels, smells like sweat, and loves to chew on everything? Yes, so sweet of him. I'm praying for a forgiving heart this Christmas.

I took this picture of Xander when we went to the donut shop one morning and he was in an extra good mood. He absolutely loves his Ben 10 toy too. Can you tell?
Here, he isn't in such a good mood. He was very sick and had to stay home from school for a couple of days. He gets to sleep in our bed when his temperature is above 101. I have strict rules.

Merry Christmas everybody!!

Letters to Santa

2008-12-18T08:31:00.002-06:00

Last year I told the kids Santa isn't real. They both took it okay and didn't make a big deal out of it. Well, when Christmas started getting closer Xander told me that he knows Santa is real and he believes in him. I tried to tell him that there is no Santa but he wouldn't believe me. Kind of weird. It's usually the other way around.

I've asked both of the kids to make a Christmas list. Kalista was quick to list about 10 things she wanted but Xander didn't want to write down anything. He said that he already told Santa what he wanted so he didn't need to tell him again... Um, well, I still need to know. No matter how much I tried to get him to tell us what he wanted he stayed firm that Santa already knew.

Every year around Christmas time, the Clyde Elementary students write letters to Santa and then the letters get published in the newspaper. Xander didn't want to write one because he thought it was a waste of time. Kalista didn't want to write one because she knows Santa isn't real and thought it would be lying to write a letter. I finally gave up on Xander and told Kalista to just think of it as writing a Christmas letter to Jesus. That finally convinced her.

Today, I got to see what she wrote in her letter. Here it is (misspellings are intentional):

Dear Santa,

I Kalista K want Santa to heal Miles Wilson. Also, I would enjoy Santa to bring food and blankets for the hungry and cold. As for me, and easybake oven would be cool. A furry "Big Littlest Pet Shop" and Polly Pockets will fill me with joy. I also want to sport the new Hannah Montana gear and toys. Also in style is Tinkerbell clothing and shoes. I love to wear what is in style while enjoying sounds from a beautiful music box. I would like to spen my Christmas break watching the Tinkerbell movie and listening to cool CD's on my new Camprock Disc Player. It'll be awesome when you bring me these gifts. Thanks for last year. I know this one will be awesome.

Love, Kalista

I have to say, my little girl is unique.

New Hair

2008-12-11T16:10:00.004-06:00

Today I went to get a couple of inches of dead and split ends trimmed off. Along with the trim, I did this:
I'm still not use to it. It's really dark and the bangs look funny on my face I think. What do you think???

(The first thing I thought was "I look like Ugly Betty." Which isn't bad because I love Ugly Betty.)

Confirmation: When Xander walked into my office, he said, "Momma, you're so pretty!" I told him thank you and said that I looked like a lady on t.v. I asked him which lady. He said, "The lady with the glasses." Then Anoe helped by saying, "Yeah! Ugly Betty!" So there you go. Confirmation that I'm not the only one who thinks I look like Ugly Betty.

Refund Please

2008-11-18T16:13:00.006-06:00

The kids came home with their school pictures last week. I love school pictures. They're so convenient! I don't have to do anything except remember to dress them halfway decent and send some money with the kids to school. The part I don't like is that those pictures have gotten so dang expensive. Like ridiculous expensive. But they're usually worth it because the people taking the pictures are "professionals" or at least supposed to be.

LifeTouch is the company who does Clyde's school district's pictures so we don't really get a choice but to buy the pictures from them. Here is Xander's Pre-K school picture:
Isn't he absolutely adorable?! Now, I love the background in this picture. I think it goes great with his shirt and it looks outdoorsy; perfect for a little boy. He also has a great smile on his face. Not too much, but just enough where it doesn't look like a driver's license picture. Beautiful!

Okay, next year not so much. Now, I think my son is the most beautiful little boy ever at all times. And I thought there was no way he could look anything but adorable. But, evidently, LifeTouch found a way. This is Xander's Kindergarten school picture; or what we call around my house, Exhibit A:
I want to know what the heck happened here! I see that they went with the outdoorsy background again. But because the background blends with my son's hair, his head seems to be cone-shaped. I don't even know what to say about the grimace (yes, grimace. that's the closest word that can describe it) on his face. If a stranger were to see this photo, they might think Xander is some kind of growling wolf-boy. I wondered why the photographer did not do a retake. I also wondered why I didn't get a proof so that I would know better than to pay $30 for this debacle. When he brought this picture home, I just prayed that next year would improve.

Well, it didn't. Here's Exhibit B:
Again, why didn't they do a retake?! I know that all those pictures are taken with a digital camera. And why did they choose a blue background when he's wearing a blue shirt?? Did they wait til the exact moment when he was making a weird face that makes him look like he has a face defect???

Okay, LifeTouch, you are officially on My List. It's not a good list. It's a list of people who I want to break their kneecaps. Seriously! C'mon! What kind of photographer takes these pictures? And then makes a parent pay almost $40 for them!!!!!! Extortion, I say, extortion!!

Anyway, I'm obviously really upset about this. I just hate that I'm spending money on things that I will never, ever show to anyone because I am so embarrassed of them (except here to show as proof of the inexcusableness of the photos). These pictures just do not do my son's beautiful face justice. I'm currently lodging complaints with LifeTouch and demanding a refund.

Ajanoeruiuaoneo hak;dsfuo nen;h

2008-11-07T08:44:00.003-06:00

That's how I feel right now. I am so getting married today!!! AAAHHHHHHhahahaha!!!!!! I have a thousand things to do and none of them include blogging!! Pray peace for me and lots and lots of calming thoughts.

Next time I blog, I'll be a married woman!

Random Picture Time!!!

2008-11-05T14:36:00.005-06:00

This picture is from almost a year ago when Women of Worth went to Six Flags. That was so much fun! I embarrassed Pam, Cherith, & Pam's sister there. Good times, good times.

This is on a big electric thing at the Jr. High. When I read it, I just had to stop and take a picture because I thought it was flipping funny. So whatever you do, do NOT molest this machine.

We were in the waiting room waiting (go figure) for the dr. to call us back and I told Tony to make a funny face. So he did. He looks kind of monkey-ish.

Xander and Kalista's first time on horses. Xander is very much more excited than Kalista. I had to force Kalista to smile and stay on the horse. Evidently she thought it was a bit lame to ride a horse smaller than her. Whatevs. (After I posted this, I looked at the picture of Xander and it looked like he's flipping the bird. But he's not. He's giving the Rock sign. Just to let you know)

This is Mason, my nephew, and Jaxon, Rachel's "baby" Mason and Jaxon are about 4 weeks apart. I love this picture.

Taking pictures of kids asleep on road trips is so much fun!! Especially when they pile on each other and look really funny.

This a very creepy "art" piece in downtown Abilene. We found it because we were looking for Tim & Stephanie's wedding and went to the totally wrong place. Don't ever get married at this place. It's creepy.

Mini Update

2008-11-05T10:15:00.002-06:00

Everything got figured out with the whole finance debacle. Thank goodness.

I lost my keys to the church (again) and found them (again).

I'm getting married this Friday (yikes!).

I had the most awesome Bridal Shower EVER!!! Thanks to Amanda and Wendy (and hostesses). Y'all rock!

This past Sunday's worship was phenomenal. Seriously. I cried and ruined my makeup. They weren't tears of joy or sadness. I cried because I was just overwhelmed by God's presence and goodness. I felt so in-tuned with Him during worship. During the first song I started praying for God to shape me, to mold me, into the kind of wife He wants me to be. I want to be the kind of wife that is biblical, not worldly. When they were singing "Fire Fall Down" I prayed for God's fire to fall down on my life and my spirit. For His fire to burn away everything that is rotten, ugly, dysfunctional, selfish and just not of Him; and that the only thing that remains is the stuff that makes a Godly woman, wife, and mother. I prayed for my actions, thoughts, emotions, words, life at home and work to line up with God's heart. And as if God spoke to me personally through worship, they began singing "Where you go, I go. What you say, I say. What you pray, I pray." With that song, a whole new fresh batch of tears started flowing. It has been so long that I felt God so evidently and so tangibly.

I don't know if anyone has worried about their own marriage as much as I have about my own. Maybe I've been worried too much, or maybe it's completely normal. I don't know. All I know is that for the last several weeks I have been worrying myself sick about my marriage. I didn't know if it was the right thing, if it would last, if I was making a mistake, if we would love each other forever, if I could be faithful, if I could be the kind of wife I wanted to be, if Tony could take care of us, if Tony would decide one day that he made a mistake, if Godzilla came and terrorized Clyde, if if if if if..... I have just made myself sick with everything.

And last Sunday during worship I felt God so close to me, surrounding me with His love and securing me in His embrace, silently assuring me that no matter what He will take care of me and love me and never let me go. Not once. Not even to joke around and pretend like He's going to drop me. (yeah, like that's so much fun to anyone but the person who is doing the "joking") All I could do was lift my hands to Him and sing my praise to Him as tears continued to stream down my cheeks with a smile on my face.

P.S. Pray for Amanda. She's stressing out about the wedding more than I am. She's silly like that.

What the H-E-Double Hockeysticks!!

2008-10-22T11:04:00.004-05:00

I am so frustrated right now!! I feel like punching somebody's cat. Seriously!

I got a call from my bank, Bank of America (BoA) on Sunday letting me know that they noticed "unusual activity" in my account with my debit card. The rep asked me to verify the last 3 transactions that were made and none of them were made by me. I don't really even use that bank anymore since I started an account with First Financial (FFB) here in Clyde. I mean I only had like 33 cents in there. There ended up being 6 fraudulent transactions in all. Four $1 charges for apple itunes, one $433 charge for apple.com, and one $117 charge for nerds.net.

So I spent about 45 minutes talking to the rep to get everything figured out. She canceled my debit card and ordered a new one for me. She also said that their "security" team will be pursuing this. They'll be getting all the information together about the transactions to file a case against whoever is making these charges and then send me affidavits on each fraudulent charge. Then they'll credit my account back all the money.

Then this morning I checked my FFB account and there were charges on there for apple itunes! I wanted to scream! How is this even happening? I called FFB, got that debit card canceled, and reordered. So, this means that both of my bank accounts are un-usable right now and I only have 2 stinking weeks to my wedding!! What the heck!?!

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

I should be working instead of blogging but I'm not so read something kind of funny.

2008-10-13T13:32:00.003-05:00

Last Saturday the kids were outside playing. When I looked out the window to check on them, I noticed that Xander only had socks on with no shoes. I asked him why he didn't have any socks and to come inside and put some shoes on. I asked him, "Do you know how much those socks cost?"

Xander said: "Uummm, 60 thousand?"

I said, "Yes, 60 thousand. So don't ruin them."

We were at Tony's mom's house and she had a crucifixion hanging on the wall. When Xander saw it he said, "Mom, did you know that God died?"

I said, "Well, that's actually Jesus. Jesus died then was resurrected."

Xander said, "Actually, (and the way he says actually sounds like he's saying ashley) Jesus is his nickname."

I said, "I did not know that."

Guess What!!

2008-10-10T09:08:00.005-05:00

So, guess what is back on?

This is the invitation I made that I'll be mailing out next week. Yes, I know it's proper etiquette to send out invitations at least 6 weeks prior to the wedding, but since we just decided to get married on the original date again yesterday, it doesn't leave me the etiquette amount of time. So, if there are any Martha Stewarts out there, suck it up.

You can click on the picture to see it in more detail. Or just wait until you get your invite.

Clearwire and You

2008-10-10T08:49:00.002-05:00

I have Clearwire internet at home. I do not have a working computer at home. I still have to pay for the internet.

So....

If anyone would like to have Clearwire internet in their home for $42 a month, please let me know. Clearwire is wireless so the modem can be moved to anywhere that Clearwire is available (yes, i've said Clearwire 5 times and no, this is not a product placement ad) and still work properly.

Battle

2008-10-10T08:17:00.002-05:00

I have been battling with a lot of self-esteem issues lately. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it has to do with the time of the year. Maybe it has to do with me being tired of see everyone else looking so cute in their summer clothes. Maybe it's hormones. I don't know. Anyway, I have been making mental lists of what I don't like about myself or things I don't do well. This morning, I was getting dressed, brushing my teeth, putting on my make up, doing my hair and all the while still checking off all things I don't like. Then I began thinking of how Brandon said you can't fix a problem with the same level of consciousness that created it. So what I am going to do is make a list of the things I like about myself. Here it is for your viewing pleasure.

My nose ring
The kind of mother I am
I remember my 3 bank account numbers, 3 debit card numbers, my SSN, both kids SSNs, my child support case number, and most of the Methodist congregation's addresses & phone numbers
My name
My handwriting
My sense of style
My embarrassing moments
My tattoos
The scar on my right knee
My ears (i like that I have lobes, but not too much of them)
The suntan line from my watch on my left wrist

This is what I have so far. I'm going to write this list down on a little piece of paper and keep it in my pocket so I can remind myself of the things that aren't so obvious.

The Latest Edition of Jennifer's Drama

2008-09-10T15:34:00.004-05:00

Allright, I've had my breather. I'm ready.

My wedding is back on but not for the originally planned date. We have officially rescheduled for March 20, 2009. Anyone who has a Save-the-Date card from me, throw it away. There were many issues in our relationship that both of us were trying to ignore but somehow, they were still coming up. You know, Denial is not a river in Egypt....

A factor in our postponement is finances. It's actually one of the biggest ones. It was almost 2 months to the wedding and we still hadn't bought half of the things needed. So pushing it back another 6 months will allow us more breathing room in this department. Our two other main issues relationship-wise are trust and control. Crazy how those go hand-in-hand. We're working on those right now also. I'd appreciate prayers, encouragement, helpful hints, or whatever else positive tid-bits that could help us from y'all. I also want to say Thank You to everyone while I was going through another bout of drama. But I mean, it's me. What else do you expect?

Oh, and I mention the person(s) once again who left me groceries in my kitchen (also known as Breaking & Entering, but I won't tell anyone). I don't think they got proper recognition when I blogged about it the first time because right after that I dropped a bomb shell on everyone. So, anyway, shout out to whoever you are!!

Please

2008-09-04T11:09:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'd like to ask for people to not ask about my latest drama. There's no easy one line answer. And really I just don't feel like talking about. The reason I put it on here was so that I could avoid telling people that there is no wedding and so I wouldn't have to answer a lot of questions I'm not ready to answer. I know I probably sound rude, harsh, or like a bitch, but right now I just don't have a lot of politeness and fake-nice in me. Something major in my life has just died and I am just trying to deal with it. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. Really.

Un-Save the Date

2008-09-02T16:56:00.003-05:00

I don't really feel like getting into it or talking about it. Just suffice it to say that November 7th is no longer reserved. Feel free also to let everyone know. I am not wanting to call everyone personally and talk about it.

Mystery Groceries

2008-09-02T13:02:00.004-05:00

I love the way God blesses me without even asking. I found these in my kitchen Friday when I got home from work.
My family was needing groceries seriously. But I didn't just get groceries, there was laundry soap, shampoo & conditioner, dish soap, paper towels and even little snacks for the kids. The kids loved that because I hardly ever get them stuff just for them. I don't know who left these groceries for us (good thing i leave my doors unlocked. ssshhhhh! don't tell anyone that!). The only clue I do have is a piece of paper left in one of the bags that I think they used to write the grocery list on. Here is Exhibit B:
So, if anyone out there knows who the "culprit" is, please tell them thank you and I greatly appreciate it. I love Mystery Groceries!!

Top 10

2008-08-19T17:13:00.005-05:00

Top 10 Reasons why I love Trish:

She loves to give
She has style that is unusual and beautiful
Her tortillas rock the house
She has a knack of hearing God and not being afraid of sharing His wisdom
She's organic and went green before it was cool
She is totally in love with her husband
She is a closet "Walton Family" fanatic
She loves Aang, Sokka, Katara, Toff, Appa, Momo, and Zuko just as much as I do
She's not afraid to let me know when I'm wrong but in a nice, non confrontational way
She has great boobs!!

So, Trish, I love you and Happy Birthday today!!

Golden Corral & Zombies (who knew there was a connection?)

2008-08-15T10:23:00.005-05:00

On Wednesday, I took off from work because I had a few doctor appointments. Tony took off of work also so he could drive me home after one of them. Since we were both off, we took the kids with us and ran some errands before the first dr. appt. First we went to go eat because we were all super hungry. We all decided on Golden Corral since it's so much cheaper during the day and they still have really awesome food. What we didn't know that so many old people eat at Golden Corral during the day. I mean, the place was packed with slow, wrinkly, old people who all evidently had emphysema because someone was constantly hacking up something. Really gross. But that's a whole other post...

Anyway, when the kids and I went up to the buffet to get food we kept having to wait because there would be a youth-challenged person in front of us or we would have to stop abruptly because a sight/hearing-challenged person would stop suddenly.

When Xander wanted seconds of his spaghetti (he says it 'pee-ghetti'), I let him go up there and get it himself. I was a little confused when I saw him racing back weaving in between all the age-advanced people with no food on his plate. When he got to the table he practically yelled, "Sister! Sister! I got a new game!! You run through this place really fast, but if you touch any of the old people YOU LOSE!" It was so dang hard for me to not bust out laughing. Good thing most of those people couldn't hear anyway because he was talking SO loud! I didn't really know what to say. Is that a bad game? I don't know. I just told him that isn't a good game because he isn't supposed to run inside.

But Xander doesn't stop there. On the way out he bumped into an old man who was not dressed so hip, a little bent over, and was just shuffling along. Xander looked up and yelled, "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! ZOMBIE!!" and then took off running out the door. I don't think it fazed that guy any because he didn't stop and just kept on going towards the buffet line.

Now, that time did embarrass the heck out of me. I can only pray that he has a child that embarrasses him on such a regular basis as he does me. We might not be going back to Golden Corral for a while....

Life Lessons

2008-08-11T11:14:00.003-05:00

Ugh! I have puppies! I am totally not an animal person. But Tony and (evidently) my kids are. So, now I have two very adorable and messy puppies at my house. One is supposed to be Alexis' but since they can't have pets where they live, I am keeping hers until they move or something. UGH!!

So, now I have two puppies. The kids are all excited about finally being able to have a pet that breathes and they can touch. (the ant farm didn't allow for much contact). But they are also finding out that having cute little rambunctious puppies isn't 24-hour nonstop fun. I make the kids feed and water the puppies, pay attention to them, and clean up after them.

The only fun part for me so far has been picking out the names. One puppy is white with tan spots and the other one is completely black. The white one is ours and the black is "owned" by Alexis. Alexis decided to name her puppy Shadow. It's cool because it fits.

Xander wanted to name ours Coco.

Why, you may ask? No clue. I think maybe after a character from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Anyway, I didn't care much for that name so Tony suggested we all come up with 3 name-candidates for the puppy. These are the ones we came up with:

Kalista:
1. John
2. Michael
3. Joseph
(I'm not sure if she thought this puppy would turn into her son or something.)

Xander:
1. Jaren
2. Eggan
3. E
(completely different from kalista's choices. and xander tried to pick Jaren again for his 3rd choice but i told him that was not allowed.)

Tony:
1. Plankton
2. Courage
3. Ustis
(he's as bad as the kids with cartoons.)

Jennifer:
1. Milo
2. Patrick
3. Sokka
(i can't help that i watch a lot of nickelodeon)

Through a lot of voting and dialing in to the American Idol vote counters, we finally decided on Courage. (from Courage the Cowardly Dog). No one really calls him that though. Kalista calls him Baby and Xander just calls him Dog. I don't call him anything because I don't want him near me. I don't know what it is. I just don't like animals very much. Maybe it's the fact that I have an allergic reaction every time one of them touches me. I don't know.

Anyway, the life lesson that has come out of this whole situation is that the kids are learning what responsibility is. This morning when Kalista & Xander came to my work, I asked if they had checked on the puppies yet. They said no so I told them to go make sure they're okay and if they need food or water. Begrudgingly, the started walking back to the house.

As they were walking out, Kalista said, "I love them and all but they sure are a lot of work."

Then I had a great idea. So, now I am thinking of buying them each a puppy as soon as they get into high school so it will give them an idea of what a baby would be like to take care of. Genius!!

Looking for Space to Rent

2008-08-09T15:48:00.002-05:00

Since I have brought home my wedding dress, it has been stored on my bed, my closet, my closet door, my living room bar, etc etc etc. Also, I keep messing with it. I've already tried it on twice.

Here's the thing: I need somewhere to put it. It's so huge and my closet isn't. I'd like to put it somewhere where it won't get messed with a lot and is out of the way, somewhere where I can't fondle it every time I see it. So, if anyone has an extra closet or extra space I can hang it for the next 3 months, I'd be willing to rent it.

What's in a Name?

2008-08-09T15:34:00.002-05:00

One day when Tony and Xander were playing, Xander said, "What's that Daddy?" Tony said he acted like it was no big deal and so did Xander. It made me feel a little uncomfortable for Xander to call him that. He doesn't usually call him Daddy or anything but it did get me to thinking.

I don't really mind the kids calling Tony Daddy but then I think about them calling Marcos' girlfriend Mommy. Makes me want to punch something. So, I've been trying to think of another name for Tony, like an affectionate name for him the kids could call him that isn't "Daddy". I thought of maybe Papa because that's what I used to call my father. Tony said he was okay with it.

Amanda gave some really good advice on the subject. She said to talk to the kids and see what they think and see if they want to come up with a name they would like to call Tony. I decided to talk to Kalista about it first.

Me: So, Kalista. I wanted to talk to you about something.
Kalista: Am I in trouble?
Me: No! It's about Tony. I was thinking that y'all might want to call him something different than Tony. Like I used to call my father Papa. You could call Tony that.
Kalista: Eh.
Me: Well, can you think of something else?
Kalista: What about Daddy? We could call him Daddy.
Me: Hhhmmmm...well, what about something different.
Kalista: Okay, what about Dad.
Me: Okay, let's think about this and talk about it later.

I don't know if I am just am being weird about this or if it's even necessary for them to come up with a name for Tony. I just feel like it would be better to have a more affectionate, familial name instead of his first name. I would really like some advice/opinions on this.

God is Good

2008-08-07T16:14:00.003-05:00

Things have been a little bit tight financially lately. Things have just not been falling into place for the last couple of months. We went on vacation in June and I saved up money for that, but I still spent more than I should have. Tony didn't get a job as soon as we thought he would. I started paying my student loans and Tony's bills when he moved over here. I don't know if anyone else has noticed but full grown men eat a lot. So there was extra groceries. And then I accidentally paid my phone and car insurance twice this month which caused my account to be seriously overdrawn. Through all of this I hadn't been trusting God very much (not just with financial stuff as you know from my previous post).

But just since my spiritual break through last week, things have really started to change in all areas. I've been on the phone everyday trying to get the whole phone and car insurance mess figured out and today I finally saw the first refund to my bank account which made it go back into the black. Yay!! (Red numbers are never good when it comes to money.) Then I called my mom and asked if what she thought about sponsoring one of my kids for school supplies. I was really nervous about asking her because she usually doesn't do stuff like that. But she told me that she had already planned on buying BOTH of the kids' school supplies!! Yay x2!! All I had to worry about then was school clothes. Thankfully because my wonderful sister has two daughters with an overabundance of clothes, I am able to get some for Kalista for free. So now it's just Xander to find clothes for. He's a little harder. I looked at Goodwill for clothes for him but they just didn't have very much for boys. Rachel said it's most likely because boys are so much rougher on clothes so they don't get to make it to the secondhand shops. It was also hard because I just don't know very many people who have boys. Except Rachel! So I called her to see if her boys have any old clothes that she would mind giving me for Xander. She said she would look through the stuff she has and let me know.

Well, today at work I was looking out my window when Rachel pulled up. When she came into my office, she handed me some money telling me it was to buy Xander some school clothes. She said God told her to do it. I love Rachel so much. She is always so giving and a lot more graceful than I am. Over the years, her and Aaron have helped my family so many times. My heart is to one day be able to give like they do, and so many other people in our church family.

I really believe that all these blessings, and the ones still to come, are because I am dying to my will and letting His live in me. Even though I am scared, I am letting God take my hand and lead me. God is just so good. He saw my little need and took care of me when I finally let Him.

Vacay pictures

2008-08-06T16:26:00.012-05:00

Yes, I know. I have taken waaaaay too long to post these. But it's not like I have anything else going on right now... So here for your viewing pleasure are some random pictures from our vacation to Crystal Beach.

Tony taking a picture of me taking a picture of him. (with my hair in the way)

Me taking a picture of Tony taking a picture of me.

I don't know what this is but it looks gross and cool at the same time. Tony just told me that it was a piece of wood with a bunch of clams on it. I'll take his word for it.

This is the view from the front door of our beach house. Try to ignore the wet, dirty towels and swimsuit.

Our feet joined in love.

I didn't know Tony took this picture of me. But I do like it. I look kinda mysterious...

These are neat statues of horns that are attached to a museum in Galveston. They were given to the city of Galveston from some famous jazz artist after a devastating hurricane that destroyed most of downtown Galveston. Okay, that's about the only educational thing you'll ever read in my blog.

Wet, sandy, salty, sticky hair. Yuck. I was about to spit too. Definitely not a glamor shot.

Xander is so cute!! I just love his smiles. But there has to be a reason why he is smiling so big...

And here it is ladies & gentlemen. Tim doesn't know that Xander's foot is so close to his open mouth. Hee Hee hee! That's why you should never be the first one to fall asleep!

Tony took this picture because he thought the seaweed looked like the shape of a heart. He's a romantic like that.

Tony looks really cool with that pink towel and my sunglasses on.

No Tony's were harmed in the making of these pictures.

I just like this picture because Xander looks like he's stabbing Kalista in the head.

One of the very FEW times Kalista & Xander were getting along on the road trip.

We saw this on the way down to Crystal Beach. It was so funny to see a huge semi-truck with this little Tonka Truck strapped to it's bed.

The Work In Me

2008-08-06T15:12:00.002-05:00

God has been doing some MAJOR renovation in my heart, soul, and mind. I mean like some deep-rooted identity stuff. I know it's supposed to be good but dang it's hard when you're in the middle of it all.

Evidently, I have some "control" issues. I know, I know. That must be a shock to some of you. Especially you Amanda. But it's true. Really. Because of how my past relationship ended up, I am trying to control every little tiny bit of this one, which, in turn, is making it a lot harder than it should be.

I am starting to see organization once again in this mess I made. Why is it so hard to just let go and let God handle things? I don't get it. He's proven Himself trustworthy before time and time again, so why is it so hard for my flesh to trust Him to be who He said He is? In some areas, I have complete trust in God. But in other areas, such as relationships, I had a death grip on my control. But now that I have started loosening up, I have already seen changes. Isn't it so weird how that works?

Tony moved out Monday to a friend's house in Abilene. I know that it was the plan a long for him to live with someone else, but it still is a little sad to see him take all his stuff with him. I am just going to continue praising God and thank Him for taking care of every need we have. Even the ones I don't know about.

And the LORD said...

2008-08-06T15:09:00.002-05:00

One day while the kids were playing in the little swimming pool in my backyard, Tony and I were sitting nearby just talking about nothing when I started hearing Xander tell Anoe the story of Ton & I's relationship. It went like this:

Xander: My mom used to be with my dad. but now they're not. my dad just leave. Then my mom is with Tony. Then they're gonna get married. Then the Lord says, "You may kiss the bride."

So, there you have it. The Lord says so.

Engagement Photos

2008-06-29T10:04:00.005-05:00

We finally got our engagement pictures taken. And, in my personal opinion, they turned flipping awesome. Here are a few of my faves. And, yes, I forgot to take off my dang watch.

A Question Answered

2008-06-29T09:12:00.004-05:00

For the last two years now I have played a scene over and over in my head. In it, Marcos is telling me that he misses me, he loves me, he made a big mistake, and wants to try to work things out. And in my head, I, of course, take him back immediately and then we live happily ever after. I have been waiting this whole time to hear him say those words that I thought would make everything in my life fall back into place.

Since getting engaged, I still wonder what I would do if Marcos wanted me back. Some days, I felt that I would give up everything to have my family whole again. Other days, I feel like my family is whole now and I wouldn't destroy it for anything. Then there are days I don't care about having a family at all. But those are usually the days I come home from a stressful day at work to find the house a complete wreck, sopping towels all over the house, and half of Xander's mohawk cut off. But I still play that scene over in my head. It's a little bit different now, but has the same basic concept. For the most part, I just felt that I still loved Marcos and I had made a mistake by letting him go.

To update you on some recent events, Marcos still has the same girlfriend and now she is pregnant. It was kind of weird for me to find that out. And we have been going to court to get the child support figured out because he hasn't paid in a while. Our first court hearing, he didn't show up. Our second hearing was scheduled for last Thursday (June 26) which he did show up. Everything was fine, we didn't argue or anything. In fact, we sat with each other in waiting room and talked normally.

____________________________________________________________
As a side story though, the elevator was broken in the court house. I looked around for another set of elevators but I was already late so I didn't look too hard. I decided that I would just take the stairs. That's normally fine but the hearing was on the FIFTH FLOOR!!!! Oh my goodness!! That's actually 10 flights of stairs! What the heck was I thinking?! I had to stop and catch my breath on the 3rd floor. And then I stopped when I got to the fifth floor so I could calm down before going into the waiting room. I still wasn't breathing normal when I opened the door but I seriously needed to sit down. My legs felt like they were about to give out. And I didn't think I would look too cool layed out in the courthouse stairwell. So I try my best not to look like I just climbed 10 flights of stairs but it just didn't come through as well as I hoped. Mostly because the sweat dripping my face and the way I was breathing like I had emphysema. I managed to make it over to the table to sign in and then literally dropped into the seat next Marcos.

He said, "Did you just walk up all those stairs?"
Me: "Uh, yes. The dang elevator was broken."
Him: "You know, there's another elevator right over there." and he points over to some other elevators. And, as if the universe wants to help him prove his point, the elevator dings and opens up with car full of people.

Whatever.

It didn't help my pride that some of the other people sitting around us were laughing and saying, "She seriously just walked up all those stairs." At least they could keep it to a whisper or something.

Anyway, that's not the point here. On with the story!
______________________________________________________________

So we go down the elevator together and he walks me out. He says he doesn't have to go back to work and if I wanted to go get something to eat. I was kind of nervous about it but I thought it would be nice. So we met up at IHOP. We ate breakfast and talked about stuff. He told me about his girlfriend's pregnancy and how he isn't happy about it at all. This will be his fourth child from 3 different women. I told him about the wedding. It was kind of surreal in a way to talk about that with him. He walked me back out to my car and we hugged, but I didn't feel like I wanted it to last longer.

As I am driving down the road back to Clyde, I get a text message from Marcos. He said thanks for breakfast and for the hug. I sent him back a message saying that I am praying for him and I really hope that he finds his happiness.

Him: I hope I find that too. I wish I could have been the person you wanted.
Me: You were. Things just got really screwed up somewhere. I just got trapped into thinking that our relationship had to look & be a certain way.
Him: Why can't I let you go?

(Whoa. What?)

Me: What do you mean? I thought you had.
Him: I thought I did too. I think about you a lot and I still miss you. I still love you.
Me: I still love you too. But you have a baby on the way. That's major. I'm getting married.
Him: I never wanted to leave. Do you think there's a chance to try this out?

I just told him that we would talk about it later. But I have been avoiding him since then. I don't know what to say to him. I really think that he was just saying those things because he's upset about his girlfriend being pregnant and since he has never really dealt with problems responsibly, he's trying to run away and go to somewhere that's safe.

But here's the thing, I don't want him back. I didn't feel elated when he said those things. I didn't feel at all like I thought I would for so long. It wasn't a struggle for me to decide between him and Tony. I knew I wouldn't leave Tony for Marcos. That revelation is so amazing to me! This answered so many of my questions.

Wedding Decisions

2008-06-11T16:26:00.005-05:00

So, I'm pretty sure that everyone has figured out that I am betrothed from last post (yes, i know from almost a month ago). Anyway, Erica has so graciously agreed to help me plan this shindig. So far we have come up with some really good stuff. Here's what we got so far:

The Cake

The Place

The Bouquet
The Dress

Guess What!!

2008-05-12T15:31:00.005-05:00

I had the most amazing Mother's Day ever! Let me tell you why.

This man

Asked me

to marry him!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO FLIPPING AWESOME!!!!

Real French Bread = Broken Tooth

2008-04-11T16:47:00.004-05:00

So, everyone knows Joel Trueblood and his awesome food. And how he prides himself on having the most "authentic" food also.

At LifeGroup, Joel had made some kind of tasty pasta, salad, and "real french bread". As I was plating up some delish food, I heard Tim P. say, "This bread is really hard! I'm gonna break a tooth."

Joel pretty much told him to suck it up. It's real french bread. Thats the way it's supposed to be.

Not even 10 minutes later while I am munching on my own real french bread, I feel something weird in my mouth as I am biting down. I feel around, and sure enough I broke my tooth on the real french bread!! Can you believe it!

Someone has got to stop Joel's madness!!! The brutality of real french bread has to stop somewhere and I say it is here with my mouth!! I am currently in the preparatory stages of a civil suit of Chavez vs. Trueblood.

Okay, okay, just kidding. And to Joel's defense, the particular tooth that broke was already messed up from a previous root canal gone bad. I don't think I will post any pictures though. Not everybody is man enough to handle this kind of carnage.

*This post in no way reflects badly on Trish. Only her husband who has it out for me and my teeth.

Rhymes with Shmiarrhea

2008-04-11T16:24:00.004-05:00

That's right, diarrhea. Xander has been hit hard with diarrhea. Last night or really this morning, at 4 am he woke up running to the bathroom. Thankfully, he made it but it was still a little messy. I cleaned him up and noticed he had a fever. And because I am a genius, I keep my thermometer at work so I didn't get a measurement on it. I just know he was HOT. So, I slapped some Tylenol down his throat and we went back to sleep. Well, while we were getting dressed for school this morning he "went" no less than 4 times. I made the executive decision to keep him home for the day. Which turned out to be good because he has been in the bathroom at least twice an hour all day. I feel so bad for the little guy. All that poopin' has pooped him out.!! He seems on the mend though. Don't worry, I've been stuffin him full of electrolytes and such.

Anyway, this recent bout of diarrhea reminds me of another time that Xander had diarrhea that was a lot more messy a few weeks ago. It was horrible. It was the stuff blogs are written about. (hee hee)

Xander had already gone home that day after getting off the bus. As I was pulling into the driveway after work, I knew something was up because he came out to meet me before I could get into the house. He put his hands up to me in a stopping motion and said, "Okay, Momma, there really emergency." in his cute little boy voice.

I said, "Oh yeah?"

"I eat too much chips and I really go poop."

"Yeah...?"

So, I walked in the house and the smell hit me like a brick wall of nastiness. There was a trail of diarrhea from the living room all the way to bathroom. And next to the bathroom, there was diarrhea running down the wall. I still can't figure out how it got there since it started at a place that is much higher than his bottom. I don't know. Some things are better left unknown.

I could also see that he had tried cleaning up. There were about 6 still unfolded clean towels over the larger piles of messiness. That really touched me. Not very many six-year-olds will clean up their own watery poop, much less full grown men.

I could tell that he was worried that I was going to be mad because of the mess. How in the world could I get upset over this??? I just told Xander that everything was fine and I would clean it up and put him in the shower.

While I was stripping his clothes off, he told me, "You're the best momma."

I wish I could have had a recorder or something with me right then. I know I am going to need that when he is convinced I am trying to ruin his life when he's a teenager.

NKOTB

2008-04-04T07:43:00.002-06:00

Okay, for all you non-hardcore NKOTB fans (as if they actually exist), that means New Kids On The Block. Get it straight and remember it. I will refer to them as NKOTB from here on out.

Anyway. My favorite boy band of ALL TIME is having a reunion tour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine me squealing like a 12-year-old little girl and jumping up & down!!! Oh my GOSH!!! Can you believe it!!!

All we can do is just stand in agreeance in prayer they will come somewhere close to abilene. Heck, it doesnt have to be that close either, it just has to be in Texas, maybe even Oklahoma. I should probably call Kathy Hawk to pray about this.

Okay, I gotta go. I have a lot of work to do. I have to go find all my NKOTB paraphenelia.

Hang Tough guys!

Some Fun Stuff

2008-04-03T18:39:00.008-06:00

So, after my last totally serious post, I wanted to bring some light-heartedness back in the hiz-ouse!

These are my AWESOME tattoos. Go ahead, be jealous. I'll wait.

This is Eric. The coolest guy EVER. See? His gang signs proves it.

My baby nephew Mason. He already looks so serious!

Xander shaking his cute little booty. Why? Because he can. That's how he rolls baby!

Kalista and Tyler, Tony's nephew hanging out. (yes, I know they're on a bed AND he's touching my baby. Don't worry, they were very closely supervised.)

This is the Pastor praying with my Mom & Step-mom at their wedding.

The Low Down

2008-04-02T15:23:00.003-06:00

Hey Everybody!!

Are you ready for some dirt? Good. You're about to get an eye full. So I am finally ready to talk about what's going with me.

First, the cancer thing. I got the results back from the doctor on Monday, Feb. 25th. Up until the very moment the nurse spoke, I fully believed that God had healed me and everyone was going to be amazed and I would have another testimony, and blah blah blah. Well, as you probably have already guessed, that is not what happened. The nurse told me that my pap smear showed I had cancerous cells growing in my cervix and they progressed since my previous pap a year before. I didn't start crying until I got off the phone. My friend Eric was sitting next to me and he just hugged me for a minute while I was crying uncontrollably. Here's the thing. I wasn't upset about the actual cancer. I was upset because I felt betrayed and abandoned and un-protected by God. I felt like He totally shafted me. Truthfully, I was a little pissed at Him too.

Well, the doctor had already set up an appointment for me to get the culposcopy and the cryosurgery for that Thursday. It was all just happening so fast. It was like this whole thing was set into motion and I was just riding along.

The next day, Tuesday, I woke up with the Flu, exactly one week after Xander was diagnosed. That totally sucked. Although, if I could endorse anything, it would be Tamiflu. That stuff is AWESOME! I stayed home from work for two days, then went in Thursday morning to get a few things done. Staying home that week made me realize how much of myself I put into my work. I was literally dreaming of being in the office and getting things done. I was constantly calling Eric to make sure he was doing things right. I even had a nightmare that he put the wrongs dates on the calendar for the newsletter. Kind of creepy.

My appointment was for that afternoon. I was really nervous and I was still feeling yucky from the flu. My doctor was really great about everything. He was efficient and gentle. I give him two thumbs up. He told me that "it was minor and easy to take care of." He was able find all the bad spots and remove them. It was very localized. I have a follow-up appointment in May to see how my tissue has healed and see if anything new has popped up. I just stayed home and healed up that weekend.

That's good news, right? So, why was I still feeling like everything was so bad? I would mentally slap myself and tell myself to get a grip. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was just falling deeper and deeper into this pit of depression. I hated myself. I hated waking up. I hated breathing. I was so mad about everything. I was scared of everything too. I stopped talking to people. I didn't want to be around anyone. Having normal conversations grated against me. I was holding all this ugliness inside me. I wasn't having suicidal thoughts, but the very idea of living the rest of my life made me feel so tired and filled with despair. I became overwhelmed when thinking of making the smallest decisions. My emotions were just a big pile of mess. I was really, really trying to get everything under control but it just wasn't happening.

The person I was taking all my pain out on was Tony. I talked to him very ugly, telling him things that on purpose to be just mean. When we spent time together, I argued and picked fights with him constantly. Now, Tony is a very un-drama person. He probably has the highest level of Serotonin of anybody I have ever met. Things just don't faze him very much. So it frustrated me to no end when he would tell me "Things will be allright. Don't worry about it." I just felt like punching him. He wasn't saying that to be flippant or nonchalant about my situation, he just truly doesn't let things get to him. Well, I was doing my best to get to him. Tony just isn't used to dealing with the kind of junk I throwing at him. I was pushing him away but I was blaming it all on him and finding fault with everything he said or did. I realize now that I wanted someone else to hurt just as much I was. So, three weeks ago we were barely talking to each other. He said he wasn't going to be able to come visit me the coming up weekend because his band had a gig and he wanted to go to the SxSW festival thing in Austin. I was mad and was pretty much a bitch to him that whole week. I didn't talk to him very much until Sunday night when he had gotten back. That morning at church, for some reason (most likely the reason was God) I started to see my actions and how I was treating Tony. I became so filled with shame and guilt. I prayed that he would forgive me and I prayed that God would help me come out of what I was going through. I cried out to Him to help me keep my emotions under control. I stepped out and asked to be prayed for. I finally mentally slapped my ridiculous self straight. I didn't feel like everything was instantly better, but I felt determined to work at getting better. I made the decision not to give up and not to give in.

When I talked to Tony that night, I was trying to explain to him everything I had finally realized. He was kind of quiet during the whole conversation and didn't really say anything in agreeance. I just really wanted to believe that I could fix what I had broken. Sometimes, things just don't work that way.

The next day, Monday, Tony called me after he got off of work. We were talking about nothing in particular but I noticed that he wasn't talking like usual and he sounded down. So, I just asked him what was wrong. He said, "I really don't think we're going to make it. And I want to move to Austin in a year for my band. And I'm tired of always making you upset. This is just too hard."

Damn. So we talked about that for like an hour. I don't know why I asked, but I did. I asked him if he had cheated on me while he was in Austin. Yeah, he did. Isn't that crazy? Just when I was really feeling like I could overcome this battle, something else comes to knock me down. I was so angry. Angry with myself, with Tony, with God, with the devil, with the whole world. The next several days were really really hard to get through. I felt so dumb for believing in this thing that came to hurt me so deeply. We talked until like 2 am that night and the same for the rest of the week. That weekend was Easter weekend and we had already made plans for his family to come to church and for us to do all this stuff together. We decided to go ahead and do that and talk more about what we wanted to do about our relationship that weekend. That weekend ended up being very healing for the both of us. I just layed it all out there. He did the same.

Here's the thing, what he did was not okay, but what I had been doing was not okay either. The way I was treating him was just as much damaging to our relationship as what he did. Everything had just gotten so far away from where it started and where it was supposed to go. I have decided to forgive him. I don't mean pretend forgive either. That means I can't bring it up when we fight, or to make him feel guilty, or to get what I want. But it doesn't mean that he doesn't have to do things to earn my trust again, or we can't talk about it, or that I have to act like it didn't happen. It also means that I have to do things. I can't just immediately shut down or lashing out when bad things start happening. Pretty much, I have to act like a human being. That's really hard.

Things are still tender right now. And I don't know where things are going or how they're going to end up. I just know that God is good, I'm not giving up, and I have a good life to live.

2008-03-18T12:14:00.002-06:00

hey.

things aren't cool for me right now. don't ask me about it unless you're prepared for me to break down in front of you.

oh, and for the girls who come to the thursday lunches, we're going to have to postpone them for a while. well, y'all can of course still meet, i just wont be able to host them or attend.

(insert bad word here)

2008-02-20T13:40:00.002-06:00

Kalista took a picture of us waiting for the Doctor.

Yesterday morning Xander woke me up crying. I went to his room and he said his head was hurting. His eyes were bloodshot and his body was really hot. I didn't have a thermometer with me so I didn't know his temperature. I gave him some Tylenol and he said he felt better. I went ahead and let him go to school (i know, i know. not a cool thing to do but I had a really important meeting at work and I was praying that he wasn't really sick). About lunch time the school nurse called me and said that Xander had a temperature of 102.8. I rushed to go pick him up & I dispensed some more Tylenol. He again started feeling better and was totally bored out of his mind here in my office. I made a dr. appointment for him at 6 last night. About 5 o'clock Xander started feeling cruddy again. At the appointment, the dr. tested him & it came back positive for the flu.

Inside my head: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it's true. Just last week I was mentally congratulating myself for my family not getting sick this whole season. Pride truly comes before the fall. Dang you irony!!! Last night was no fun. Xander couldn't keep anything down, especially his medicine.

I'm looking at Kalista like she is a ticking flu bomb just waiting to go off. I have been praying for protection against sickness for Kalista and me.

Here is Kalista not being sick at the Doctor's office.

Please just pray for us. I don't have anyone to help me with them if I get sick. Plus Xander's birthday & party are this Saturday.

Excuse Me?

2008-02-20T13:34:00.002-06:00

This is a true conversation that took place in my office at 1:29 p.m. today between myself and a woman who will remain nameless:

Nameless: Hey, Jennifer! I just came by to see how you're doing.
Jennifer: Oh, I'm doing good. How about you?
Nameless: What have the doctors said?
Jennifer: Doctors? About what?
Nameless: Well, I heard about you getting tests on your privates.
Jennifer: I..It's..uh,...That's a nice necklace. Where'd you get it from?
Nameless: Blah,Blah, Blah about necklace.

Okay, why the heck do people think it's okay to say stuff like that to me??? This is exactly the kind of conversation I was trying to avoid!!! Who does that any way? Who asks about another person's "privates"? This kind of stuff only happens to me.

Drum Roll Please

2008-02-18T13:44:00.002-06:00

So, I went to the Dr's appointment last Thursday. He didn't give me any news either way. He did seem positive about everything though. And plus no monster came out & jumped at him or anything while he was down there (which, in my book, is always good). He said he would call me when he gets the results from that Pap Smear which should be in about 10 days. What the heck?? This is the 2000's! Isn't there some kind of instant Cancer test? I mean, there are home drug tests! C'mon!! Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna wait til then.

And not to turn this blog into a Lifetime movie or anything, but I really wanted to tell everyone thanks so much for being so supportive through this thing. I don't really like to talk about it in person and I cover up a lot of my worry with "I'm fine" & "It's going good" so I know it's been kinda hard for people to know how I'm really feeling. So, just thanks for the prayers & encouragement & comforting words.

Okay, Dr. Phil hour is over.

the great I AM

2008-02-12T16:35:00.000-06:00

I saw this story on the Air1 website. It's so good.

http://www.tribune-democrat.com/statenews/cnhinsall_story_025081635.html

Let the Disappointment Ensue

2008-02-11T18:48:00.000-06:00

So, just to let everyone know I withdrew from school. I wasn't able to handle everything that has been going on. The only area in my life that I could cut back on right now is school. I have a dr. appointment this Thursday, Feb. 14th to do a repeat Pap Smear. I plan on returning to school as soon as all this is under control.

This was a really hard decision for me. I hope everyone understands why I did it.

God is going to take care of this. He has to.

My Busy LIfe

2008-01-31T23:00:00.000-06:00

Oh my goodness! I have been so ridiculously busy lately! For a while, I felt like I was lacking in all the areas of my life. But now they are all overflowing.

I started college earlier this month. It has been so much harder than I expected. I have still been putting in 40 hours every week at work and taking 7 hours at school. I have class on Mondays & Wednesdays 9a-12p and Tuesdays 6:30p -9:30p. Those Tuesday nights and Wednesday morning are getting rough. I have another biology class online which is totally kicking my butt. I'm not really good at understanding things that I can't get my hands on. It all seems so conceptual and not concrete.

God has been working on my heart lately in a few different areas. I feel like dough that is being kneaded right now, being prepared to become what I was meant to do. I find myself just staring off and being in awe of what God is putting in works.

I went to the doctor last week. He gave me the results of my last pap smear. They weren't good. I guess I might have cervical cancer. I haven't really told anyone about what's been going on. I am still contemplating what this means and what it means for my future. Because of the cost of the procedures I need done (culposcopy and biopsy), I am waiting on one of the agencies in Abilene to see if they can help with that. Then I'll see what the next thing after that is. When I found out about all this, it really broke my spirit/heart/faith. God has healed me of this very thing before. I felt betrayed for some reason. I remember hearing Bryan talk about people who were healed but then get the same illness 6 months later because they had not changed their hearts or life or whatever. I began to doubt myself and to doubt God. I began to doubt anything I thought I had received before or had thought I heard from God. I doubted my being healed of depression. I started having panic attacks and having feelings of despair like I used to. I doubted my dream of becoming a pharmacist. I thought that maybe I had just made everything up. I was just disheartened. Hearing the doctor tell me about my report, I didn't get scared or upset about the cancer itself. I was more upset about what me having cancer meant. What it meant for me, for my faith, for my kids, for my hopes. I felt very chaotic and unstable.

I feel better about things now though. I talked to Trish (shout out to my homie) about everything and she really gave me some good insight (as usual). She really helped me realize that this doesn't have to be my truth, these are just circumstances I am in right now. God healed me before and He can do it again. That's what I am praying for.

The other night when I was feeling really unsure about everything, I looked in the Bible for comfort. I wanted to look up "renew" but I didn't think that would be in there so I looked up "beginning" instead. I found a couple of scriptures but they didn't really ease the hurt I was feeling. I was sitting there having an inner monologue and staring blankly at the pages of my open Bible. Then the word "renew" came into focus. This is what it said (y'all probably already know it):

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits-

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--Psalm 103:1-5

I haven't felt desperate or had any panic attacks since I read that. I've been reading it and claiming it everyday. It's coming.

i let go

2008-01-20T21:06:00.000-06:00

A Little Note: I actually posted this a couple of weeks ago. I took it off because sometimes I feel like people only want to see the funny, quirky side of me. But I don't always have a funny story to tell. So, if you don't really want to read a serious post from me, just skip this over. Thanks.

My happiness is causing someone else pain. I try not to think about it. I was in a relationship for 3 years (off & on) that ended in the beginning of November. I loved him. He loved me. It didn't work though. It never worked. I wanted so damn much that he couldn't give me & I had nothing to give him. Our relationship had this thing weighing on it from the beginning. It started out in sin. But even when I was out of that, things didn't get better. It was so hard to be together. We screamed, yelled, called bad names, threw things, cried out, begged. Even now, in this new beginning, I can feel an aching in my heart for something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself thinking of him, wanting to call & saying the one thing to hear him laugh, stopping my mouth from forming the word of his name, struggling with the thoughts in my mind. I feel certain I had to end it. He was part of who I used to be and didn't want to be anymore. He knew everything about me. He knew my past. He was there when I was dirty. He held me while I cried for another. He waited for me.

I let go. I hurt him. I'm sorry.

My So-Called Life

2008-01-18T15:35:00.000-06:00

So, hey, everybody. What's up!

Sorry about taking another leave of absence but this life of mine has been keeping me busy. The holidays were great. I spent most of them with my boyfriend (insert girly giggle here). New Year's Day, the kids & I went to San Angelo. We spent the day playing in the park and making good memories. I was so flippin tired by the time I had to drive the 95 miles home. Thank goodness God loves me and made sure I stayed awake.

So, anyway, let's talk about what is on my heart. I mean, hey, you came to my blog for a reason right? I am in a full-blown relationship. It's really weird to me. Well, first let me tell you how it all began.

I first met Tony (that's his name, not just some random person) when we were in High School in Sweetwater. He was in a grade below me and I didn't pay much attention to him. We talked once. I didn't know it at the time, but we graduated together because Tony is super smart and graduated early. I didn't know all this until he told me, so it could all be a lie for all I know. Just kidding. He doesn't lie. I like that. Anyway! I digress... I tend to do that when I am talking about Tony. Don’t tell him I said that!

A year or so after graduation (1999) we worked at the same Texaco in Sweetwater. I was a little bit engaged at the time; but then got un-engaged after a few things came to light. Unfortunately, I was in total Rebound mode and picked Tony as the first guy to date. We dated for a couple of months but I seemed unable to stop sleeping around. After one particularly messy & law breaking incident, we finally decided to call it quits.

I met Marcos a few weeks later and promptly got myself knocked up with Kalista. When Kalista was about 6 months old, I left Marcos and moved to Abilene. Somehow, (I don’t remember) Tony & I started dating again. But, once again, I was in Rebound mode and couldn’t stop dating other people (at least I had stopped sleeping with them). About 6 weeks later, Marcos & I got back together and promptly got myself knocked up with Xander (noticing a pattern here?). Tony was always so sweet to me and I really just treated him like crap. I was so totally different back then. There were things I did that I have prayed for God to erase from my memory.

We kind of talked a little bit a few years later but never really started dating again. The last time I talked to him was four years ago in 2004.

So in November Tony sent me a message on myspace. I had forgotten all about having a page on there. He just asked me how I was doing and what kinds of things were going on in my life. We talked a little online for the next couple of weeks, but I didn’t really think anything about it. I was still trying to distance myself from another relationship that no one really knows about. Sorry, I haven’t been totally honest with y’all. Anyway, let’s move on and never keep any secrets again. Whoo! I feel so much better now that I got that out in the open.

Because we are both from Sweetwater and both our parents still live there, we were both in Sweetwater for Thanksgiving. I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. So we did at my mom’s house. Then we went driving around looking at Christmas lights for about an hour and I dropped him off at his friend’s house. We talked on the phone for that week and then we both “happened” to be in S’water again that weekend. We cruised around town and then I dropped him off at his friend’s house again. We continued talking on the phone. We stayed up talking on the phone until 1 or 2 in the morning. It was like I was in high school again. Our conversations usually ended by one of our cell phone batteries dying. I found out a lot of stuff I didn’t know and stuff I had forgotten about. Evidently, Tony remembered every single conversation we ever had. He remembered my favorite flower, my favorite color, my middle name, Kalista’s birthday & middle name, foods I didn’t like, my bad driving skills….

He just makes me feel so… so… I don’t know so something. He makes me feel unashamed.

Oh! Oh! Oh! The best part of this whole thing! We have NOT had sex!!! Most people would not understand how big of a thing this is for me. Sex to me has been like a weird addiction in the past. I hated it but couldn’t stop. This is literally the longest I have ever waited, even since my first time. I know that’s crazy to some people, but it’s this sick cycle I have. But this is how I know this is real with Tony.

My kids are totally in love with him too. Kalista loves to sit next to him and hold on to him. Xander loves to climb all over him and fights with Kalista to sit next to him. He doesn’t act weird with them or make me feel like it’s anything but natural to have them around. He comes up with stuff for us all to do together (he doesn’t have any kids and lives with two other guys with no kids).

I went back over my prayer list for what I wanted in a husband. All those things are there. Every single one. Even the color of his eyes. God is SO good.
This is my kids & Tony chillin at Little Pit. Hopefully, I can get a picture of us together one day.

I Think It's Real

2007-12-31T20:50:00.000-06:00

I found someone. Someone who makes me feel beautiful. Someone who makes me forget my insecurities. Someone whose voice calms me. Someone whose touch cools my fevered thoughts.

New Things

2007-12-20T14:34:00.000-06:00

There have been a few new things in my life this week. I don't want to say them all because certain people read this certain blog, but I will talk about two of them.

#1 Xander got his glasses finally! He looks so adorable! I really had no idea that his vision was so bad until he started telling me what he could see when he put them on. Every morning he would look for his shoes in the shoe closet. He would almost always tell me he couldn't find them. Then I would go stand right by him and they were right in front of him and I would get upset with him for "not looking right." I feel so bad now! He really couldn't see them! When he put them on for the first time, he looked around and said: Momma! I can see! Hey, you have star earrings Momma. Glasses are so awesome. For the past couple of days, Kalista has been trying to convince me that she needs glasses too. It's funny the stories she comes up with to convince me.

Here's one of them:
Kalista: Mom, something is wrong with me
Me: Really? Like what?
Kalista: Sometimes, I can see stuff but then all the sudden it goes away. I think I need glasses.
Me: (a pointed stare)
Kalista: What? I'm just saying there's something wrong with me.

Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

#2 I got my nose pierced!!! Yay for me! I went to the same establishment and guy as Brandi. Read here for her tale. I've had my tongue pierced 4 times and my eyebrow once. My nose hurt more than both of those. But I would have to say a lot less than my tattoos. It was super easy, super fast, and super cool. The only time the guy actually talked to me though was when he told me the aftercare instructions like he was the legal guy on the commercials (you know, at the end when they have to talk really fast to state all the legal stuff) and to ask for the money. I did give him a tip to try to improve his mood. He did give me a smile after that. I was nervous about going to work and if they would say anything. So far, not one person at my job has even noticed. So, if you see me, feel free to notice. But don't say anything rude. I'm not into that.

Because I Like Pictures

2007-12-12T16:26:00.001-06:00

Because I like pictures, I am going to put some more up. Sorry if you're allergic to pictures with incredibly cool people in them.

Herer's Anoe and Xander actually getting along and being sweet to each other. They look gangsta.

Hopefully they will stay this sweet throughout their teenage years.

Kalista wrote this on her hand and then took a picture of it. I found it when I was uploading pictures from my camera to my computer. It summarizes the whole being of Kalista.

I can't help it! I love any picture with Xander rockin' the Mohawk. It looks so good on him!

Kalista & Xander with their dad. (for those of you wondering what he looks like)

And I absolutely love any picture with Kalista with no teef (yes, teef)

Xander closes it out by rockin out in the Ladies' Truckstop Restroom. Only he could pull it off.

The Answer

2007-12-11T16:11:00.000-06:00

So, many of you might wonder why I am the way I am. Here is the reason:

For Thanksgiving, my Mom decided to dress up. Now, usually people do this on Halloween. But not my Mother. She, obviously, likes to march to the beat of a totally different drummer. (Probably a drummer that is having acid flashbacks from the 70's)

P.S. Yes, that is a wig. Although, I have to say the wig looks better than some of her hairstyles. My Mother is a firm believer in "Bigger is Better". It can get a little scary sometimes...

Waiting

2007-12-11T15:48:00.000-06:00

I feel strange. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. I keep trying to rush through each thing I do to try to get to whatever I am waiting for. I keep checking the time on the clock, but I don't have a time I need it to be. My stomach is all in tingles and I feel excited, but then I get confused because I don't have anything to be this excited about. It kinda feels like I have a song in me but I don't know the tune or the words.

On another topic, my family has been shown a bunch of favor last week. For the month of November, both Kalista AND Xander were chosen to be Student of the Month for their classes!!! Yay for my babies! I feel like such a good Mom for once. So awesome. And then, I won the Mystery Person thing in the Clyde Newspaper. My picture will be in the paper tomorrow (Wednesday) so everyone go out and buy a Clyde Journal, cut out my picture, and hang it on your refridgerators. I will be making surprise/random visits of homes to make sure this is done.
This is the photo that will be in the paper. It's actually a good one so don't miss it!

My Version of "Growing Up"

2007-12-05T14:10:00.000-06:00

I've been hearing some of my friends talking about their kids growing up and the signs of it happening, which in turn made me think of my children.

Kalista has always been a little "mature" for her age. I don't mean like, sexually, but more bossy and motherly. I am constantly having to remind her that I am the mother, not her. Or not to try to be Xander's mom. I loved it when she was 5 and she would bend over with her hands on her knees so she could get down on Xander's "level" and talk sweet to him.

But, now I have been noticing more changes in Kalista that are subtle reminders that she is growing up. Like, now she uses regular shampoo and conditioner, instead of the tear-free stuff. She brushes her own hair and puts it up in a ponytail. She accessorizes. There isn't a day that she goes to school without a bracelet, necklace, or earrings. She buckles her seatbelt without being asked. Actually she's the one who reminds Xander to buckle up. When Anoe hurt her ear the other day, she held Anoe's hand and rubbed her back. She will tell me if I have little bit too much cleavage going on. She's got my back like that.

I usually think of myself as a mother of small children. But, now, that's not so true anymore. My daughter is 7! My son will be 6 in two months!

At least I can depend on Xander not growing up too soon. Whenever I say he's a big boy, he gets mad and insists he is still a baby. Or a puppy. Depends on his mood.

Found, Found, Found!!!!!

2007-12-05T12:07:00.000-06:00

I found my keys!! When it happened, music started playing in hte background and I started running in slow motion towards them. Then I picked them up and twirled slowly in circles and gave them kisses all over. Then I remembered that I found them in the deep crevices of my couch and ran to the bathroom to sterilize my lips.

I don't know if anyone really prayed for me, but I am VERY appreciatve of anyone who did.

Oh, and thank you God.

Needs to be Found

2007-12-04T13:58:00.000-06:00

I lost my set of the Church keys. I have keys for every door in the church and the sole key for post office box. I don't even know where or when I lost them. I locked up the doors on Friday and on Sunday I couldn't find them. I've been retracing my steps like crazy. I really need to find them. Please say a quick, small prayer that God will reveal their location to me. Please.

Yes, I Know

2007-12-03T22:19:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know that the pictures below are really small. They're from a camera phone so don't expect too much. If anyone would like to buy me batteries for my REAL camera, feel free. Double-A, rechargeable. Until then, no complaints.

A Nice Day Out

2007-12-03T21:56:00.001-06:00

I hardly ever put up any pictures so I wanted to share some with y'all. I took the kids out walking around downtown Sunday and we had loads of fun. Oh, I am in love with Jim Halpert and I don't care who knows!

Alexis, Kalista, Xander, and me acting silly. Or we could be on our way to a rock concert. You never know.

These are the spider monkeys attacking a lamppost in downtown Abilene. They're dangerous!

And here we have a picture of me taking a picture of something else. It was probably the spidermonkeys.

This is me Hardcore and me Sweet.

This is me pretending that Porsche is actually my sweet new ride. (can anyone say OLD SCHOOL)

And, last, a shot from the best show EVER!! (the Office)

Perspective

2007-12-03T21:15:00.000-06:00

So, in this life, I have learned it's all about perspective. Things are as bad as you make them. At least that's how I feel. Oh, and Denial is a force to be reckoned with.

Anyway, I got a letter in the mail from the school nurse for "The Parents of Xander Aguilar" I was thinking, "Oh no." The letter said that Xander had failed his vision exam twice so he it was recommended that he be taken to an Optometrist. For some reason, it made me excited. I think kids wearing glasses are the cutest things ever! I wasn't bothered by the money I would probably have to spend on the glasses. I knew that it would be taken care of (God is good like that). So, I'm really excited about it. And since I was excited about it, it got Kalista excited, then Xander got excited also! Kalista is now jealous that she can't have any glasses.

I called to make an appointment for him this morning and they said they had an opening at 3pm. I was like, "Oh, it's on!" I picked him up early from school and rushed over to Abilene. At the office though, I found out that I brought the wrong Medicaid card. But, the receptionist lady was really sweet and said I could fax it in to them later. I said a prayer of thanks to Jesus! Xander had so much fun getting his eyes looked at, shined on, blowed on, and looking at weird shapes. When it came time to picking out the frames, he was not indecisive at all. I guess that's the man in him. He picked the first ones he tried on. Actually, when we first got there he picked out some baby blue plastic frames that were totally tacky. I shot that down real quick. I was not gonna have him pull a Paige Hafner on me. So he ended up picking out some thin-wire framed glasses that are bendy and can be twisted all ways without breaking. They will be ready in 6-10 days. I am so excited!!

Update on the Update

2007-11-29T11:41:00.000-06:00

Sorry guys for not posting the update. I guess my feelings/pride/whatever were kind of hurt so I haven't really wanted to talk about it all.

Anyway, so the thing I was praying isn't going to happen. In fact, it's going a little bit in the opposite direction. My plans are still on to go to college though...

I could use some prayer for financial blessing though. But who doesn't, right? Hopefully, I will be getting some insight soon about the direction my life is going to be taking. Or maybe the heater will start working in my office. Who knows the mysteries of the universe.

Up to the Date

2007-11-20T16:49:00.000-06:00

I haven't gotten any word yet. It looks like I am going to have to wait until after the Thanksgiving Holiday. I am still going to keep praying that this turns out to be the blessing I need it so desperately to be. I will clear everything up when I find out for sure what's going to happen. I just don't want to get things out there that might not be true or not happen.

Sorry to be so mysterious. (i kinda feel like daphne from scooby-doo--daphne because she's the hot one).

Favor

2007-11-19T15:57:00.000-06:00

There is going to be a MAJOR decision made tonight concerning my work. Please please please pray for favor (towards me) in this decision. It has the potential to greatly bless my family.

p.s. Sorry my last post was depressing. These hormones really are killing me!!

No Good Title

2007-11-16T14:41:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I feel something weighing me down. I just feel so heavy. In the mornings, it takes all my powers of persuasion and denial to get myself out of bed. Sometimes, I lay there and pray.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why am I not satisfied with the way my life is? It is certainly better than it was and also better than millions of other people in the world. Why can't I feel complete with what God has given me? Why can't I just feel complete?

A Call For Help

2007-11-14T16:26:00.000-06:00

Okay, this is a call for help. I really need to find someone who gets the NBC channel and likes to watch Heroes on Monday nights and The Office on Wednesday nights. I dont get that channel at all and I love love love both shows but I haven't been able to watch it this season. I am desperate!! I've tried watching the show online but my internet connection is so weak, the video is really choppy and lags big time!

So, please someone with cable, satellite or whatever please have pity on me and let me spend an hour with you in your home. I will even bring over snacks!!

Loss

2007-11-12T09:32:00.000-06:00

The church I work at is in serious need of prayer. There has been much turmoil, sadness, and hurt feelings lately. The Youth director handed in his resignation yesterday, the Pastor also gave notice of his leaving the church, and then early this morning the Pastor's mother died. Other things have been going on that have really been tearing this church apart. People have gotten hurt over a decision that was made recently. This church has split once already because of a similar situation. I don't think it can take another one. Although, I am not "officially" a member of this church, I still feel like I am a part of it. I love all these people. So many of them have loving hearts. I have many funny, tender, prayerful, happy memories with them. I hate that they keep having to go through so much crap. The Pastor is hurting really bad right now. I'm not really sure how to comfort him. I don't think his decision is the best decision for him or the church. There have been one or two people who have already made me mad in this situation. Someone has already called the office to talk about the Pastor leaving and they were just being so calloused about it. I'm not good at handling these kinds of things. I feel like this church has a 3rd degree burn and instead of letting it heal nicely, they're picking at it constantly. I just wish I had some kind of "spiritual" salve to rub all over the walls and pews and alters and rooms and offices and even the bathrooms.

I just feel so lost and saddened about it all. I want God to come to this place and save this church.

Top 3 Most Embarrassing Things I've Said

2007-10-30T16:46:00.001-06:00

#1. I was a Sophmore in High School and taking Child Development as an elective. We were discussing reproduction and all that fun stuff. One day I asked my teacher, "Is sterility hereditary?" She said, "What?" I repeated the question and then realized how dumb that question was. I didn't talk very much in class after that.

#2. I was in college at the time. The instructor had asked us to give back one of our assignments because of some grading issues. Jokingly, I said, "You're such an indian-giver!" Little did I know that she was actually Cherokee and was deeply offended by the term "indian-giver." I wanted to die. I didn't talk very much in class after that either.

#3. I went to W.O.W. for the first time and still didn't know very many women. I was nervous and I was trying to act like I wasn't. There was a small crowd talking so I walked over. They were talking about baby names for one of the women who were pregnant. She said she was thinking of naming her baby Selah. I thought it was beautiful. I wanted to say something to be part of the conversation and since humor usually works, I said, "Oh! You should name her Salmonella." Ha ha ha...no. I wanted to smack myself.

Top 3 Most Embarrassing Moments

2007-10-28T21:32:00.000-06:00

#1 Circa 1986

When I was in kindergarten or first grade, my sister and I would walk to and from school everyday. Now, why we were allowed to do that I have no idea. We were living in friggin' El Paso!! The place most famous for abducting females and never seeing them again. Let's all just believe that my mother knew God was watching over us.

Anyway, I digress. I was a particularly cool individual because I had recently acquired a red pleather jacket with tons of zippers. This was back when Michael Jackson still had a nose and pre-Pepsi hair fire. So, basically he was still cool. And so was I. Amanda and I were walking home after school one day when we came across some boys we knew from school. Amanda was a lot cooler than me (even though she didn't have said numerously numbered zippered jacket) and was chatting them up. Evidently, I felt like The Jacket and I weren't getting enough attention so I started practicing my Martial Art skills on the nearby mesquite tree. As I was karate chopping and round-house kicking away, they all stopped talking and stared at me. I thought it was because they were amazed at my skills. Finally, my sister tried to put me out of my misery and yelled at me to stop acting retarded. Very solemnly, I turned around to her, put my hands together in front of my chest in a prayer-like fold, bowed ever so slightly and said, "I am sorry Master. I forget the strength of my powers." Amanda rolled her eyes and stalked off; and the boys just turned around and walked off too. I was mentally chastising myself for letting other people see my "secret" powers.

#2 Circa 1992-Sixth Grade

Still living in El Paso but I had gotten over the whole "mystical powers" thing by 6th grade. I was onto bigger and better things. I had "developed" quickly that year. I had no idea what to do with these new growths. When summer rolled around, my mom took me shopping to get a new swimsuit. It was one of those swimsuits that were two pieces but connected to each other on the side. There were all the rage in '92 El Paso. And they had it at the dollar store. My mom wanted to make sure I got one that accommodated my new body so she got one that had a little extra room up top. I wore it the first time when we all went to the water park, Wet-n-Wild. Everything was going great. I was just a swimming. I started noticing that when I would try to play around other people, they would kinda look at me weird then swim off to another place. I just thought to myself, "I must be swimming really awesome because they don't know how to act." Seriously, that's what I was thinking. Then I heard someone yelling. I just ignored it. People were usually yelling or laughing really loud or whatever. Whoever was yelling kept it up so I finally looked around to see what was going on. At this time, I was sitting in the shallow end next to a girl who I was trying to not impress too much so she wouldn't swim off like everyone else. Well, I finally located the source of the yelling. And it ended up it was a girl in a line for a ride at least a half football field away. It was weird because it seemed like she was pointing at me too. And she was doing something weird with her swimsuit top and gesturing something about putting her boob in her top. I turned to look at the girl next to me and she was just staring at my chest. I looked down and fully realized the horror. I had been flashing everyone my 12-year-old boob for at least the last 30 minutes.

#3 Circa 1993-Seventh Grade

Evidently, El Paso just brought out the worst in me. In 7th Grade, we had a Dance every 6 weeks. They were tons of fun. I never had a date (evidently too cool for that) or anything but I loved it. At one particular Dance, I was feeling very bold. I didn't usually dance very much. I mostly stuck to the punch and cookie table or sat next to a wall and envied everyone dancing. But this one time, something just got into me where I REALLY wanted to dance. So I was out there giving it my all. I did this thing with my feet spread wide apart, hands on my knees, moving my head rapidly in circular motion and kind of doing a MC Hammer thing at the same time. During this whole debacle, I had several friends come up to me and gently tell me to calm down or to just stop. I totally thought they were joking so I revved up my efforts. About that time, a teacher came over to me. At first she had a hard time getting my attention what with my quasi-head banging move (no, it wasn't even Metallica playing. It was Bel Biv Devoe). After smacking her a few times with my hair, she finally just stopped my head with her hand. I looked up and she guided me back over to my usual spot. She explained to me that I was taking up a large portion of the dance floor because other kids were afraid to get close to me and she thought I should just take a breather for a few songs. She had great timing too. I was feeling a little dizzy by that time. Thank goodness camera-phones were not yet invented!!

Compromise

2007-10-28T21:19:00.000-06:00

I have come to realize that compromise has gotten me into more trouble than it's worth. I have compromised over the years on various things that I shouldn't have. Sex, relationships, school, haircuts, perms, more perms (don't even get me started!). I have just fully realized that in every area I compromised what I really wanted for something that was "easier." It was easier to just finally say "Okay" instead of "I'm waiting for my husband." It was easier to say "This is better than being alone" instead of actually standing up for myself. It was easier to make up excuses than to leave. It was easier to blame him instead of taking responsibility. It was easier to tell the hairdresser that it didn't look lopsided when I looked like Edward Scissorhands had gotten a hold of me.

I know that if I don't stop right now, I will be compromising my way into hell.

What is the DEAL!!!

2007-10-17T22:35:00.000-05:00

I love my children. I, of course, think they are the most beautiful beings created by God. I think they're laughs sound like angels getting wings. I could live off of their kisses and hugs. Kalista can sing like no one I've ever heard and Xander can dance like no one I've ever seen.

That said, they drive me crazy!

Why, Why, Why!! Why is it that the ONLY time they both voluntarily flush the toilet is when I am taking a shower?!? They could literally go days without flushing the darn thing, then the minute I try to take a nice shower they have to pee and flush the toilet. What is the deal with that? And why do they seem physically incapable of closing a door? Is there some kind of force field between their hands and the door knob I am not aware of? Why do they have to watch t.v. with the volume cranked up to hearing impaired level? Why am I the only one in the house that can hear the water faucet left on? And, can someone please explain to me why all the windows in my car seem to have a very focused gravitational pull to dirty hands?

I just don't understand.

Spiders in my Life

2007-10-14T21:23:00.001-05:00

I have had two dreams in the last week about spiders. I think I know what it means after discussing it some with my sister.

First dream:

In my dream, I am walking through my house. In every room there are spiders. Big, fat spiders with huge intricate webs that span several feet. There are only one or two spiders in each room. I am trying to get to a place in my house with no spiders in it so I can sit down and relax. I opened the door to my room and I saw a big spider hanging over my bed. I didn't feel terrified, I felt more of an uneasy feeling. I turned around and moved to walk down my hallway but there was a web spun wall to wall with a large spider in the middle of it. I stood there trying to think of how to get around it without it jumping on me. I wasn't deathly scared of it for some reason, I just didn't want it to touch me at all. I just didn't want to have anything to do with it. My dream ended with me trying to figure out how get past it.

Second Dream:

I am at my brother's house looking at this really sweet ride he had just gotten. It was a mustard yellow Ford Pinto that was pimped out. (is that prophetic? pintos making a comeback???) The car had suicide doors, crushed velvet interior, matching color dashboard and seat covers, and even some dubs. (for the uncool people, those are 20" rims) Anyway, the car isn't the point of the dream, it's just my favorite part. So, my brother had his new *sweet* ride parked in a carport that was connected to a trailer that he lived in (he doesn't really live in a trailer...anymore). The carport was open in the front and back and had a wall on it opposite of where the trailer was. Kind of like this one but a wall where there isn't in the picture and minus this dumb car compared to the awesome Pinto.

Okay, so I was walking over to the driver side to get a closer look when I notice there are spiders all around me. Not hundreds, or even tens of them. Just two or three in a few strategic places where I couldn't get out. At the rear of the car was a very large spider web with a large spider sitting on it hidden underneath a little covering it had spun over itself. I knew that when I walked by it, it would jump out from its covering and attack me. I knew I definitely did not want to go that way. I started to go towards the front to try to get out that way but there was a spider hanging out there as well. Now, my back is against the wall of the carport behind and my brother is standing by the door to the trailer on the other side of the car. I was yelling to him to help me. He told me to quit being such a wuss and just walk by the spiders. But I seriously didn't want to. I wasn't scared of being hurt, I just didn't want them to touch me or jump on me. Also, they were the biggest darn spiders ever. I didn't know what to do. Either way I went, I would have to go by one of those ugly spiders. That dream ended with me standing there worrying about what to do and not being able to figure out how to handle the situation.

I am pretty sure I know what the "spiders" symbolize in my life. There are some things in my life right now that I am just not wanting to deal with. I am doing everything I can to not deal with them in fact. I don't know how to fix it so I am standing here wringing my hands saying, "Oh dear. Oh dear." like a little old lady.

I Love a Rainy Night (you have to sing it)

2007-10-11T08:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know that it isn't night but it is dark enough to be. As I was driving from the elementary school to work I saw the most beautiful clouds. They looked like mashed potatoes that someone had made into swirlies. I drove leisurly to the Post Office, then to Whataburger (totally addicted to their Honey Butter Chicken Buscuits), then back on to the office. Just as I was stepping up to the door, it started raining. God is so good!

Can't Talk

2007-10-10T13:55:00.000-05:00

Can't talk. Burnt mouth horribly. Hot Coffee. Pretty sure scalded throat too. My coffee mug should come with a warning of how hot coffee could be.

Feng-Shui

2007-10-10T13:10:00.000-05:00

I am not into Feng-Shui at all. I personally believe it's a bunch of bull-hockey. But I do believe that arranging an office in a certain way can improve efficiency, productivity, and general well-being in a person who is stuck under flourescent lighting all day.

My office decor looks like a catholic/country store garage sale threw up in it, then threw some papers, notebooks, christian supply magazines, binders over it all to try to clean up the mess, and then in the middle of it all gave up. My office is probably the most inefficient office ever. My office would be the poster-office for Before pictures in extreme makeover shows. My office would be the kid who never has matching socks, gum in hair, two-sizes too small clothes, finger up nose, and wears a Barney backpack in 5th grade. It really is a sad state. Another thing about my offic ethat irritates the heck out of me is the fact that everyone who comes in feels the innate need to leave whatever happens to be in their grubby little hands on my desk or very nearby. Do you know what this does to my need for organization??

All that to say that I have rearranged my office. It looks so beautiful now! Well, the weird religious pictures with glitter and country bunny stuff is still hanging up because evidently a cousin of a brother of a friend gave it to the church long ago which makes it sacred now. There were two desks sitting on opposite sides of the room that are now moved together to make an L-shape desk. My area is moved back farther from the entrance and closer to the wall so it is more well-defined. I moved the filing cabinets (i have four of them in here that are all different colors and sizes) to less conspicuous spots. It's a pretty sweet set up. If I can ever charge up the batteries, I'll take some pictures for everyone. Because I just know that everyone is dying to know what my office looks like. I probably should have taken some Before pictures of the whole mess. Maybe I can put everything back to the way it was... I don't think so!

Esperanza

2007-10-08T22:39:00.000-05:00

Hope (or esperanza).

I have so much hope in me. Everyday I have a million hopes. Usually I am literally terrified of hoping because of the possibility of it never materializing. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to hope for something and not be scared. I don't want to be a beaten down, eyes always downcast, hope barren woman anymore. I want to be a confident, assured, beaming glory of God's awesome power kind of woman. I want to be the kind of woman I always stare at and wish I could be. These are my hopes; silly, serious, and everything in between.

I hope to be like Jesus
I hope my children see Jesus in me
I hope I feel Jesus' love everyday
I hope to get a pedicure one day
I hope to have another baby grow in my womb
I hope to take pictures of flowers for no reason
I hope to be used by God
I hope to know I am beautifully made
I hope my children will find a perfect love
I hope to rip out the nasty carpet in my kitchen
I hope to organize my desk at home
I hope I get Satellite TV & DVR
I hope I lose 80 lbs in one year
I hope my children will remember me as a loving mother and not a screaming/hateful/mean mother
I hope I have 50 more years with my mother
I hope my father knows I have forgiven him
I hope my heart isn't broken any more
I hope God doesn't give up on me
I hope Marcos finds God's love
I hope my sister will see herself as I see her in all her godly beauty
I hope I see Jesus
I hope I see Jesus heal Miles
I hope I get a "real" decor for my home
I hope to walk towards a man God picked for me and vow the rest of my life to
I hope I learn not to be disappointed in myself
I hope I get an MP3 player for Christmas
I hope someone invents fat/calorie free french fries in the next year
I hope that Tom Cruise sees how silly he has been acting and follows Jesus so I can start watching his movies again
I hope to understand the Bible more (or at all)
I hope I don't have to do this alone very much longer
I hope God puts a supernatural understanding of Science and Math in me before January
I hope my body will be completely healed of any affliction
I hope my mom never finds out about all the stuff I did in high school
I hope the tree in my front yard does not fall on top of my house or car or KIDS
I hope I don't have any late fines at the library
I hope there are more good Christian movies
I hope that Brad Pitt quits his silliness, leaves that old Angelina, and realizes I am his one true love...wait, I think that's bad to want to break up a family...darn it, never mind.
I hope God shows enormous favor on all the children of the world who are in horrific situations (i don't mean like they don't have an xbox or even having to shop at walmart).

I have plenty more hopes. They've been stored up for a while. I don't want to leave here just hoping; I want to leave knowing. I know I am a confident, assured, beaming glory of God's awesome power kind of woman. I know I am the kind of woman I always stare at and wish I could be. I KNOW I am God's beautiful creation.

What do you esperanza for?

Other New Stuff

2007-10-04T17:48:00.000-05:00

I added some new links. A few of them are for other churches. There's one for the biography of Smith Wigglesworth. Bill Johnson talked about him in one of his sermons and I wanted to know more about him so this is what I have found. There's more out there. I highly recommend reading about this guy.

New Life

2007-10-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

I am making a change. I am making a new life. I am changing my whole way of thinking. I will eat to live, not live to eat. Food will no longer be the love of my life.

A friend told me about this really awesome website FitDay that has everything anyone could ever need or want to help when making changes like this. Even if you don't want to lose weight, it's a pretty cool website since it can track everything that a body does, calories wise I mean.

There's a link to the right down there (i'm pointing to it, can you see it?) to my "Diet" Track Record. It's really neat.

Anyway, the reason I am telling you all this is partly because of accountability (i will be a LOT less likely to wolf down a Big Mac Large Fries when I know other people are going to be looking at it) and also because this is my blog which is all about me! :)

Wisdom

2007-09-27T11:53:00.000-05:00

Last night at LifeGroup, I was talking to Trish about how I was really apprehensive about the fact that I will be 34 when I graduate from Pharmacy school. I just felt like it's too late for me, I'm past my prime or whatever. This is what she told me and I truly believe that these words have changed my life.

Trish said, "Jennifer, you're going to be 34 no matter what. So be 34 and a Pharmacist."

I wasn't able to tell her how good and wise those words are. I felt kind of lame actually for missing it because it was so simple.

Thanks Trish. You da man (or wo-man).

Cake

2007-09-21T13:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight is Kalista's birthday party. I have actually planned this one out. I sent invitations 10 days ahead of time, I rented a place to do it, and I got her a presnt her too!

What did I forget this time?

The stinking cake. Thankfully United Bakery keeps princess cakes in stock.

My Dream

2007-09-20T17:53:00.001-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, my boss asked me what my dream is. As in my goal or desire for my life. He said if money was not an issue, what would I do with in life. I had no clue.

Before landing this job, I had always had a goal to work for: graduating high school, the end of nine months, getting into college, graduating from college, getting a "real job." When I did get a real job, I felt relieved because I thought I had "made it." I was thinking that all I needed to do was keep working hard at this job for the next 40 years then I could retire, collect my pension, then eventually die in my sleep. I thought for such a long time that would be a great life. Fast forward a year and I am anything but relieved. I realized I don't want to do this for the rest of my life but I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do either.

At the time when my boss asked me that question, I kind of just blew it off. Mostly because I could not think of any career or one thing that would make me happy for an extended amount of time. I was still stuck in the thinking that this job as a church secretary was as good as I was going to get. I also think I didn't really want to dream at all because I was scared. I was scared to hope for something that would be impossible for me to attain. I was scared that I would just fail. I think I was even a little scared of my dream coming true because that would mean I would have to actually follow throught with something for once.

Four days later, I was working in the Nursery with Ginny and Pam. Ginny asks me out of the blue what my dream is. At first I got kind of irritated because I was thinking, "What the heck is the deal with people and dreams lately?" I told Ginny the truth that I had no dream. I had nothing that I was aspiring to do or to be. I quickly asked her what her dream was to get the attention off my-no-dream-having-self. That day, I really started to get uncomfortable with the fact that I had no dream, goal, or aspirations for anything for the rest of my life. It actually made me a little depressed. I also realized that was probably the reason I was feeling so lost lately.

The next day was Women of Worth. I also had a Theophostic session with Pam and Brenda right before W.O.W. It was about some stuff that I thought made me who I was, but really wasn't. Anyway, that isn't the point. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I had thought that the session didn't help me alot and I had an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to go home. I don't usually go to W.O.W. for different reasons which are mostly I am too lazy to actually get up and go. That night's W.O.W. was about birthing our destinies and dreams. By this time, I was having a mental temper tantrum with God. I was yelling inside my head telling Him to lay off, I don't have a dream, so let's all just get over it. But, as usual with God, He didn't lay off. When Becky was speaking up there about how inside each and every one us there is a very real destiny waiting to be birthed. She said that some women had aborted those dreams either because of fear, lies, laziness, or whatever. Every single word she spoke convicted me. I could see all the dreams I had killed because of my fear. All the dreams that God wanted me to have but I said no to because I thought I wouldn't make it.

When it was time to go to the front to be prayed for, I stood there for a very long time. I couldn't stop thinking of all the times I turned down an opportunity to be blessed by God with a new and abundant destiny. Then I prayed to God. I told Him I wanted a dream, I wanted something to strive for, to fight for, to crave. Becky prayed and prophesied over me. She told me that things I had always thought were not true. She told me something about myself very specific that only the Holy Spirit could have given to her.

Later that night when I was in bed I was thinking about that evening. I was just trying to think of what might be in store for me. All the sudden I realized God had given me a dream. I want to be a Pharmacist. Not just a pharmacy technician, no a real DOCTOR! I was really excited and was thinking of all the things I could do to accomplish that and about maybe having my own pharmacy right here in Clyde. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face. The next morning was very different. A huge spirit of fear gripped me all over. When I thought about going to school again, about all the homework, math & chemistry courses, money, and time that had to do with my new found dream, I got sick to my stomache. I told God that I just couldn't do it. It would be too hard. I would just fail anyway. I didn't tell anyone that I had dream. I didn't even want to think about it. It was all just too scary. I didn't want to hope for something again that I didn't know would come true. I was getting ready to have another abortion.

Then I just decided to hand all that over to God. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it by myself. I gave all my fear to Him. I finally started getting all the information I needed together. I found the courses I needed to take (yikes!) and which schools around here offer them. I found out that I have to go to Pre-Pharmacy School (just like a real doctor!!) first. I also found out that there is actually a shortage of Pharmacists in Texas so my job will actually be in high-demand. God is so good. He gave me the desires of my heart and then He gave them to me.

Today I applied for the Pre-Pharmacy school. Next all I have to do is apply for Financial Aide and take the Accu-Placer test to see how smart I am. This is a really hard decision for me. I am already paying on my student loans from my Associate Degree in Business. It would be so great if the next 6 years of education were if not totally paid for with a grant or scholarship of some type but at least paid for in cash every semester. So, I would greatly appreciate prayers for God to make a financial clearing for me in this new path.

I'm In Love!!!

2007-09-06T17:13:00.000-05:00

I'm in love and I don't care who knows! I want to go to mountaintops and yell out my new found love! I want to run naked down the street proclaiming my love!! Okay, well, maybe not that far but I seriously want to tell everyone I come into contact with. Special thanks goes to Brandi Wilson for introducing us. Seriously, Brandi this couldn't have been possible with out you.

Okay, let me tell you.

I am in love with Bare Minerals makeup! Yes, it's true! I had pretty much stopped wearing any kind of makeup except for eye stuff because it either made my skin break out more or just made my current break outs look worse. Then at the BFW Brandi let me sample some of her stuff. I wasn't quite sure if I liked it or not. I couldn't really tell I had makeup on at all. Which, after so many years of living with the Makeup Line (girls know what i am talking about), didn't seem so natural to me. Anyway, in July I ordered my own kit. It has been so awesome since then. All my friends have commented repeatedly how nice my skin looks and how good my makeup looks too. For a little while there, I am became a pseudo Bare Minerals Saleslady. I even did a mini-makeover on my sister and now she loves it too. Brandi and I are thinking about becoming Bare Minerals Representatives.

How Much

2007-09-06T17:10:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking of a situation in my life. I am wondering how much is enough? How much should I give to a relationship (not a romantic one). How many times do I keep reaching out? Is there a point that is reached?

Funny Thing...

2007-09-06T17:04:00.000-05:00

I took all 4 kids to Whataburger the other day (Alexis, Anoe, Kalista, and Xander). Alexis was peeling off the cheese on her burger because I forgot to order hers without any. We were just discussing how Alexis doesn't like cheese on burgers but she does like cheese sticks.

Kalista says, "Maybe you just need some home-made cheese."

Then Alexis says, "Well, didn't people used to make home-made cheese and milk back in the 80's?"

Me As A Convict

2007-08-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

So a while back I had posted about my awful driver's license picture where I look I am in Taylor County Jail. There has finally been enough time for me me to get over the trauma and humiliation of that picture so I am now ready to post it.

Here it is in all it's glory.

Month of Anniversaries

2007-08-29T15:05:00.000-05:00

August is a month of anniversaries for me. One sad, one weird, and one good.

The sad one is the anniversary of my father's death. He died eight years ago about 5 weeks before I was supposed to be married to a huge jerk. (obviously that whole thing didn't happen). I am still unclear of the exact causes of death. I found out he was sick at the same I found out he was dying. My father and I were never particularly close; he was more close with my brother and my sister. I think I scared him a little being so rebellious and wild. He didn't know how to talk to me. I remember he tried to talk to me one time about my boyfriend. He said, "You don't want to end up in the same situation as your sister." At the time, I was thinking "What? End up with a beautiful daughter and my own apartment?" (that was pretty much the extent of my goals back then) His death affected more than his life did. Weird how that works.

The weird one is the anniversary for my mom's latest marriage. Which, I have to say, is her longest one yet. The weird part is that my mom has a wife. Yes, that's right my Mother is an official lesbian. No, it's not sexy like the movies portray. She came out in '99, shortly after my father's death in fact. Although, I kinda had feeling about her "orientation" for a while. I would say I started suspecting when I accidentally played a certain videotape.... At first, I thought it was a phase or something. But 8 years and one Commitment Ceremony later, I am starting to think this is going to stick. My mom's wife is the best 'partner' so far. The men my mom dated then married were jerks. They were unemployed jerks. They were unhygenic unemployed jerks. But my step-mom (sm) now takes care of my mother. Not only does she take care of her, she spoils my mother. SM owns her own business, has her own vehicle, and seriously loves my mom. My mom can be very difficult at times and, when upset, can say or do hurtful things. So the number one question is how does this line up with my faith??? I have no idea. I am still trying to figure how I feel about it. I mean, I can say I think homosexuality is wrong and God is going to smite all gays. But, I mean, c'mon. It's my mom. She birthed me! How can I tell the woman who gave me life that she's an abomination? My mom and SM aren't weird or abnormal. They love, argue, care, disagree just like any other married couple, they just happen to be of the same sex. So, there's that anniversary.

The good anniversary is the One Year Anniversary of me working at the Church!!! Yay me! I actually made it! The job has helped me grow in so many ways. In maturity, faith, knowledge, skills, confidence, (bank account), and love. I have learned not to give up. This is the first time I stayed when things got hard. My prior M.O. is to just run away and hide from my problems. Just to say, they always came back.

GodTube

2007-08-21T08:30:00.000-05:00

I don't know if anyone else already knows about this site. A friend of mine sent me a link to it today. It's godtube.com She sent me a link to one of the videos on there. It is really awesome. I hope everyone goes checks it out. It reminds me a lot of what some of the KLF Youth did last Hallelujah Night in the funeral house.

Xander & Kalista

2007-08-17T16:36:00.000-05:00

This is Kalista climbing the walls in our hallway with Xander standing underneath her rocking his new Mohawk.

There's a Reason

2007-08-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

Last week, my kids stayed the night with my sister. I was relaxing on the couch reading a good book enjoying the quiet when Marcos called. He called from a payphone since his phone had been turned off for the third time this year so it was little hard to understand him. He told me that he wanted to let me know that he won’t be living at his apartment anymore because he was getting evicted in three days for not paying his rent. He was also telling me about some of his other problems that he’s been having. His first daughter was supposed to move in with him since her mother has returned to drugs but now she can’t because of the homeless thing. His girlfriend just had surgery for the second time the day before because she has cancer on her face. His girlfriend’s family doesn’t like him. He doesn’t have anywhere to move to or a place to store his stuff.

All I wanted to do was help him, to take care of him, to make it okay. I offered to help him in anyway I could. I told him he could use my storage building, he could use my Aztek and trailer to move his things, I would help him find somewhere to live, or he could stay at my house until he could find something. I just had a hundred solutions to help him with his problems but none for my own. He said he would call me the next day to let me know what he needed.

Next day, he called and I took the kids over to see him at his apartment. I don’t ever go inside or even up to his door because I am still too scared/insecure/tender to meet his girlfriend. So he came outside and talked to me for almost an hour at my car. He told me that he still feels the same way about me, that his love for me wouldn’t ever go away. That he did miss our family. He said he was tired of living the way he was. I tried to tell him so many things without saying what I really wanted to say. I went home with hope and sadness in my heart. I prayed for God to show Marcos what he could have. I knew, though, he wouldn’t, but I still hoped.

He called again the next day while I was at work. I asked him if he figured anything out yet and when he will need me to help him. He said “Oh, I found a trailer for us to move into so I don’t need anything. Can I talk to the kids now?”

By this time, I had already told Amanda and Eric (probably closest thing I have to a best friend besides Amanda) what was going on. They had tried to gently caution me about hoping but I kept thinking God will take care of it. After getting off the phone, I just sat there. Eric held me for a few minutes while I cried. He tried really hard to comfort me. I thought, “Well, at least I know for sure now.”

For the next few days, when Marcos would call I would just let the kids answer right away or not answer at all if they weren’t there. Then Tuesday of this week, he called and then told Kalista to give me the phone.

Me: Hello?
Marcos: Hey, are you mad at me or something?
Me: No, why?
Marcos: I was just wondering because you weren’t talking to me and you wouldn’t say anything when I called. I thought I f**ed up again or something.
Me: No, everything is fine.
Marcos: Well, hey, do you think you could help me move my stuff tomorrow?
Me: …….
Marcos: You know, ‘cause you said you could use a trailer to move my things…
Me: Um, yeah…sure. Okay, yeah. Um, allright. Okay…What do you need me to do?

I was shocked that he would still call me and ask for help. But he said that no one else would be there to help him move. I was really nervous about helping him. I knew that Amanda would be mad at me (she was. She didn’t talk to me for like 10 minutes) and Eric would be upset with me also. I prayed for protection around my heart, for things to be good (whatever that means). I wanted so desperately for him to see that I was worth it. I wanted him to just see me.

Next day he comes to my work and we leave to get the trailer from Eric’s house. Two hours later and one trip to Abilene U-haul just in time for them to say sorry we’re closed I finally borrow my friend’s SUV that has a hitch to fit the trailer and we’re off to his apartment in Abilene. We get there and I am feeling EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go inside his apartment where they had their life. He keeps reassuring me that it is fine if I go, so finally I get out of the car and go. I was screaming inside my head that this wasn’t right. I shouldn’t be here. I just stood there looking at all of their stuff, things I never would have had in my house. Tacky mirrors (those gotta be a must-have with all Mexicans), dollar store paintings, pink everything, pool table, fake gold lamps. The kitchen had bags and bags of trash sitting on the floor, the counters, hanging from the wall. There was a rotting watermelon in the sink. It was so weird being there. I thought to myself, “There’s a reason why people don’t get to see what it’s like when ex’s move on. There’s a reason and this is it.” Then a couple who used to be our friends and are now their friends came over to help him. Very awkward. What are you supposed to say to people who only knew you as part of something that doesn’t exist anymore and now are friends with the “replacement”? I couldn’t stand any longer so I said I was going to get something to eat for the kids while they moved everything into the trailer.

I prayed the whole way to McDonald’s and back for stability, maturity, and protection. Everything was so surreal by this point. I kept thinking, “How did I get myself into moving my ex and his girlfriend? This is nearing Jerry Springer level.”

When I got back, we hooked the trailer back up to the SUV and drove it over the storage building place. Here is another kind of weird thing about this whole thing: Marcos and his gf are moving into the same motel (I guess the trailer thing fell through) that Amanda used to live in and they’re storage is at the same one Amanda & I had. What a coincidence.

When we were at the apartment I didn’t help move anything at all. I just thought it was a little beyond my capability at the time. But when we got to the storage place, I felt bad that he had to move everything by himself so I helped him put everything except their clothes into the storage room. I had to draw the line somewhere and it was evidently at touching her unmentionables. By the time we got done, it was about 11 pm and I was very ready to go home.

On the way home, I tried talking to Marcos about everything.

Me: There is a better way to live.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I mean the life you’re leading. You don’t have to worry about getting evicted, you don’t have to worry about your phoned getting turned off, or whether you’re going to eat that day, or when you’re going to see your kids again. Life wasn’t meant to be this hard to just live. There’s so much out there you could have. You could have a house, a good life.
Him: That isn’t meant for me. I’m paying for the things I’ve done, for the choices I’ve made.
Me: Marcos, there’s forgiveness…

When we get to my house, he comes inside to help me with kids. He says, “Thank you for helping me with all this. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything if you hadn’t helped. Really, thank you.” I just say, “Sure. It’s what I’m here for.” He comes closer to give me a hug and my body freezes up. I feel scared that he’s going to touch me. He does. All I could think was, “Soft. Nice. Don’t hurt me.” He then says, “Gina says ‘Thank you’ too. She really appreciates you helping us.” I felt like he punched me in my stomach. I tried to mumble something about that’s great and good bye.

I closed the door after him, locked it, then threw my keys at the wall. I wanted to scream; I took a shower instead. I made it as hot as I could stand. I let the burning water roll over me as I stood there and cried. I cried out to God.

After I got out of the shower, I looked in the Bible to find something that would comfort me and make me feel a little bit better. Of course, I found something in the first verse I found.

This is it:

2 Chronicles 20:14-20 "14Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite and descendant of Asaph, as he stood in the assembly.

15 He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 16 Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

18 Jehoshaphat bowed with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD. 19 Then some Levites from the Kohathites and Korahites stood up and praised the LORD, the God of Israel, with very loud voice.

20 Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, "Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful."

I know that the scripture is talking about a people who are about to come up against a huge army but the basis of it spoke to my heart. I wasn't facing a literal army but I was facing a huge heartache and vast disbelief in the things God has for me. It said to not be afraid because God will be with me when I come against all those things that are trying to break me. It tells me that this isn't even my battle to fight; that it is my Father's!